Twilight had to give the beige mare that she so desperately searched for some credit. When confronted with a potentially mortally wounded alien, she didn't run away screaming, nor did she hide behind anything. She just adopted a shocked expression, and gasped.
"My word...what is it?"
"He." Twilight corrected.
Love Tap looked at Twilight with some confusion, "excuse me?"
"He's male."
"...I see. He looks like one of those characters in one of Button's video games."
Love went over to the human, and slowly took off the blanket that cloaked his body. The mare gasped as she looked at the bloody bandages that wrapped the poor man.
"I changed them everyday..." Twilight whispered. She felt so helpless.
"How long has he been here?" Love Tap questioned.
"Three days."
"Why did you ask for help now?"
"...Because, I can't just go to Ponyvillie hospital with an alien...and, this is my fault. If he were to get hurt in the resulting confusion of revealing him to the public...I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."
'I'm already having a hard time with that now...'
The beige nurse arched her brow in confusion, "did you say that it's your fault Princess-"
"Please...call me Twilight." she corrected her...again.
"Oh, alright."
'I don't think I deserve to be called a princess after this..."
"So, why did you say that it's your fault?"
Twilight bowed her head in shame. "I..."
She told her about the mirror spell, the humans, and her insatiable curiosity for the aliens. Every second used to explain the story sent Twilight's ability to talk down a slippery slope. Said slope being drenched with her tears.
"I-I ripped an innocent being from his world, and a-almost killed him! The reason why I asked for your help now..."
She sniffled, and used her magic to gently open his eyes. Revealing the white, milky color that caused Twilight so much grief...
Well, more grief then she already had.
"I need to know...did I...cause this?" Twilight whispered. Love Tap looked at Twilight, then to the human, and then to Twilight again.
"You...think that you caused his blindness?" Love asked in surprise.
"Ummm....yes?" Twilight answered, feeling slightly stupid. Stupidity wasn't her 'forte'.
"Dear, this type of blindness is hereditary, at least in ponies. It is referred to as 'Snowdrop Syndrome'." she giggled a little, "If you caused his blindness, we wouldn't have known until the dear woke up..."
Twilight shivered as she played that nasty scenario in her head. What scared her is that she didn't know how he would react...at all.
In fact, she didn't know ANYTHING about this human. He could be like that one human she saw that could turn green and destroy entire planets with just one clap. Or that one in the red and blue spandex suit that could blow away galaxy's just by SNEEZING. Or those 'humans' that could turn blonde, and BLOW UP PLANETS WITH GIANT ENERGY BEAMS AND SCREAMING! THE POSSIBILITIES WERE ENDLESS!...
She was getting ahead of herself, something she excels at, but the fact still remained that she knew nothing about this human. But, she would have to give him the benefit of the doubt. She caused this mess, and his pain. The least she could do is hope to form some kind of friendship with the human...and hope that her world doesn't become galactic dust.
As Twilight busied herself by mentally debating, and thinking about the potential danger that this humans hypothetical reactions would present, Love Tap was busy actually doing something useful. She replaced all of the humans bandages, noticing all the muscle on his body in the process. She grew worried that his reaction to being in a completely new world would be...unpleasant.
Also, she had a hard time coming to terms with the situation at hand...whatever those things were. Twilight Sparkle, a princess, supposed leader and role model, brought an unknown, innocent, but possibility deadly alien to their world. Moreover, she entrusted HER with this. She didn't know if she should be flattered, or fearful. But, those thoughts would have to be cast to the wayside, it was time for the most important part of this humans healing...
"Twilight?" Love Tap asked. The mare in question shook her head, derailed from her train of thought.
"Yes?"
"This is where it gets...tricky." the nurse said with a bit of hesitation. Love Tap dug into her saddle bags and fished out a tiny bottle filled with a clear liquid.
"What is that?" Twilight asked. Once again her curiosity resurfaced. This mare never learns.
"...Phoenix Tears." was Love Tap's response, "the contents of this little bottle can heal any known wound in Equestria. We'll need this to make sure that he doesn't...succumb to his internal wounds, I counted 29."
Twilight filched at the severity of the humans wounds. But, where has she heard phoenix tears being used as a healing agent before?
"What's the catch?" Twilight asked. She was a very smart cookie. Though, recent events would argue otherwise.
"When applied to the skin, Phoenix Tears create a sensation of pain tantamount to having that same wound cauterized. When ingested...I think you can fill in the blanks."
This was just not this humans week.
"I...understand." Twilights horn started glowing, she went to the humans side, and tapped his head with her glowing horn. The glow never subsided, and she braced herself.
"I'm ready..."
Love Tap looked at her in shock, "dear, you do realize that you will have to be hospitalized if you go through with this?"
"Yes...just do it."
"This will be pain unlike anything you have ever felt. Are...are you sure that you want to subject yourself to this?"
Twilight closed her eyes and sighed.
"All his pain...all of this...is because I couldn't see the consequences of my actions. I never thought of the possibility of the portal being too strong for me, I didn't think of the possibilities of creating a black hole and destroying Equestria, I didn't think of ripping an innocent being from his world and almost destroying him. I didn't think of anything beyond the excitement of meeting a new race, learning new things, gaining new friends...I only thought of myself, and during the past week, while I was caring for this human...I learned that you have to think of everypony before making possibly world changing decisions."
She trotted over to the human who was lying on her bed. He had a dark, shaggy mane that reached just below his shoulders. His skin was a shade of light brown, almost chocolate in color. She ran a hoof through his mane and smiled.
"And also...I learned that you have to take responsibility for your failures. This human is here, and in pain because of me...and if I can make his stay here just the least bit painful...as Celestia as my witness, I will make sure he does."
She looked over to Love Tap with a face filled with steely determination.
"Besides, I've dealt with an immortal goddess, an incarnation of pure chaos. an Ursa Minor, and a tyrannical Shadow Lord...what's a little bottle going to do?"
Love Tap was very moved by the princesses bravery. The speech she made revealing her own failures gave her an immense amount of respect for her. Twilight knew when she messed up, and when to take responsibility.
'Celestia sure knows how to choose them.'
"Okay...but before we go about this, we have to move him to a place that I can care for him."
Love Tap sighed.
"You do realize that, when we do this...there is no going back."
Twilight nodded. Her horn shone a brighter shade of lavender, and in a flash of light, they teleported to where Love Tap thought would be the best place to relocate him...her home. After they got him settled, they proceeded. But before they did, Twilight wrote a letter.
"Don't worry, this letter will explain the situation to the paramedics when you call them...I'm going to need something to bite on."
Love Tap brought out a clear, chewy, gummy like blob.
"Had this when I birthed Button, they didn't have any pain meds in stock that day...though, what you're about to feel is about 100 times worse than that."
Twilight flinched, and shivered. She had to give respect to somepony who gave birth without medicine...
Sweet Celestia, what has she gotten herself into?
The nurse popped the cork off the vial filled with phoenix tears. She gave a look to Twilight, who only nodded...with a gulp.
Love Tap opened the humans mouth, and fed him the bottle of tears...
'Well, Button always wanted a bigger brother.'
Button was bouncing towards his house as he waived to everypony in town. Today was such a FUN day!
First, his class got a tour of the castle. THEN they got to meet Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. Button got to go to the Crystal Joystick and play the newest games, which include:
Super Mareio Kart 7.
Megamare Zero 4.
Super Prince Peach Pie (try saying that five times fast). Mareio got rescued this time, what a twist!
And, many more amazing new releases. He also got to have milkshakes with Sweetie Belle...
Though that didn't go very well. At least he found a Bit.
Now...why was there a hospital carriage pulling away from his house?
"Weird..."
Button continued to skip to his house. He opened the door and threw his saddle bags to the floor.
"MOM! I'M HOME!" He screamed in his nasal, excited voice.
"Oh, hello Button!" Love Tap said as she descended down the stairs. Button ran over to his mom and gave her a big hug.
"I can't wait to tell you about my day!"
Love returned the hug and giggled, "well, I can't wait to hear it...but, I'd like to have our new friend be around to hear. He's upstairs."
Button was curious...who was this new friend?...
And did he like video games?
Good chapter can't wait for the next.
So far, the human seems kinda like Ian from the Michael Vey books.
3376216 Cool, but...I don't want too spoil anything
"That one human she saw that could turn green and destroy entire planets with just one clap. Or that one in the red and blue spandex suit that could blow away galaxy's just by SNEEZING. Or those 'humans' that could turn blonde, and BLOW UP PLANETS WITH GIANT ENERGY BEAMS AND SCREAMING!"
Ok; Hulk, Superman, and one I don't seem to know.
3376257 c'mon...' turn blonde'?
3376295
Um, Goku?
3376250 It's totally Ray Charles
If not, I'm leaving
3376257
I dunno about 'humans' but there was that colony of space monkeys Frieza tweeted about blowing up.
Heard a couple could do that.
3376446
There was also a 1/2 human and a 15/16 human who did it.
3377484 Is it that the more diluted your sayian genes becomes, the stronger you are? Because Gotten, and Trunks went Super Sayian like nothing.
When you said "Phoenix Tears" for a second there my mind registered it as "Phoenix Down"
3377506
Not exactly. Goten and Trunks were born from super-saiyans (essentially) and 1/2 human 1/2 saiyans gain the positives from both. Saiyans get more powerful after they get their ass kicked and live, and humans can adapt to any stimulus if you go slow enough. Because of all of this, and Super Saiyan becoming more a base-level transformation (as they abused the shit out of that throughout the series) it's not really an issue that they did it while so young.
3377554 that is awesome.
I... I can't even...
70 likes in less than two days!?...
I'm... not even that good... wow, thanks for all the <3
3376295 SUPA SAIYAN
3377741 static4.fjcdn.com/comments/Super+Sand+++_3c5a2a1d9cf8d1a56174571af58a80be.png
3377751 oh fudge
another good chapter and can't wait to read the next.
Okay... this is weird. Its gonna ponify him? Or what? Anyway MOAR!
Okay, this story has potential, but it needs A LOT of work. I highly suggest getting an editor if you can. The chapters could be a bit longer (2.5k-4k words), and your grammar and syntax leave a lot to be desired. I'll favorite this, but I do believe that improvements are necessary.
3385152 I never intended the kitchen joke...
Oh Sweet Lord I'm an accidental sexist!
But thanks for the criticism, college is going to make it hard to do constant updates. So, bare with me.
So far I'm loving what you've done and I respect what you have done with the human can't wait to see how everything turns out
Hahahahahahahaha! I just looked at the review I did of this chapter filled with as much scrutiny as possible...oh god I got so serious
Anyway today will be my day I'm going to laugh maniacally while pushing both imaginary and physical buttons to remember what it's like to be a real boy.
TA-TA!
I also kept it in a text doc...fuck I have to edit it through word cuz I now have 2 extra enters between each line >:L
Ok it'll be up later today
Be prepared for a long read.
As I said before, I will nitpick at anything and everything I find a valuable learning experience for you as an author. If you feel I've gone too far, feel free to defend yourself, and as harshly as you want. Be warned that I may contradict myself in several places during the course of my review, and I advise you read the full review before commenting so you may defend yourself with all the proper information required to fight my side of the argument. And I will have subjects in this review that are both trivial and difficult to challenge. I will, and always will be open for debate and will not hold it against you if you choose to defend yourself, and do so poorly. Nor will I feel insulted if you succeed in disproving me and making my point of view seem so flawed that my entire argument becomes mute. You may even feel obligated to defend yourself as I will slowly get into a more assertive/aggressive stance against an action you've taken, or detail you've forgotten. You may even feel uncomfortable with my forwardness, and that is perfectly normal, dealing with it in a positive way makes you a better person than someone who is blatantly trying to make you feel bad about the decision you've made; and allow you to take the criticism of someone who is taking a seemingly aggressive stance against your action without intentionally or directly insulting you with a positive outlook. If anything, I want you to try to nitpick at my comment carefully and challenge things you think are unimportant. Or alternatively, you may practice a non-confrontational approach to my comment and separate true statements from personal opinion. Either resulting in you just thanking me for my criticism, or asking for a more detailed clarification on a subject you find questionable.
In my response you should try to search for the key phrases or variations of "I believe" and "It's a known fact" because usually when certain critics comment, they bring fourth their personal opinion and they create a "thesis statement" which implies their way is the right way. (Thesis Statements in essays basically imply what the essay is trying to achieve, they also inadvertently imply the Thesis Statement itself is always correct. Example: Thesis 1: No one wants to be lonely when they have friends to hang with. Thesis 2: Everyone wants to get away from their friends from time to time.)Keep in mind that as I respond to your comments, I may be forgetting statements I've made previously. This is a sign that the statement I've said is a "fact" may actually be an opinion.
I've underlined segments of the above text to show what I feel you should focus on the most when reading this review. I also did that so you would find reading that big wall of text a little easier to get through because that's basically the gist of what I want you to do while reading, or even after reading. I've also noticed you haven't responded to my other comment so I'm not sure if you even want to try this.
Regardless I'm going all out to help you become a better author. Why? Well why not? I like helping people I can respect. And I respect your creativity as I recall I have stated in my first comment to you. Besides I haven't seen good authors in a while now and I've noticed you trying to improve through trial and error like I have when I first started writing...I'll explain more if you ask. But I want to keep my word count in this comment below 2000 if I can.
Twilight has overreacted in the past but they were always reasonable and logical in some form or the other. Also never use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS OR YOU'RE GOING TO SOUND LIKE YOU'RE YELLING AT ME THE WHOLE GOD DAMN TIME. IT SHOULD ALSO NOT BE USED TO PUT EMPHASIS ON WORDS OR PARAGRAPHS THAT HAVE MEANING. IF YOU DO THIS, YOU LOOK FOOLISH AND YOU BECOME OBNOXIOUS LIKE MY CRITICISM. ALSO I USED A FULL STOP (".") AS AN EXAMPLE BECAUSE AN ALL CAPS RAGE REQUIRES AN EXCLAMATION POINT!
Also "!..." does not coexist in any circumstance. A "..." means you've created a long pause. Which is a very long time. So letting Twilight's thoughts and feelings take thirty seconds to soak in while she thinks of nothing only to be interrupted by Love Tap. Well honestly that's awkward. Especially when Twilight's currently very worked up about almost killing an innocent life form and then having to hide it away. In the time she had to think her thoughts never went to repercussions related to her actions such as social, legal, political, and also the disappointment that Celestia would have with her if she found out that she not only revealed the existence of a secret race, but killed a member of that race not even one month after (I only assume a month because it's not clarified) she learned about it; and it was all because she wanted to learn from it. Those, especially political will weigh down a Princess' mind at some extreme. Not only will Celestia have to punish Twilight, but if she doesn't, or even shows some lenient toward Twilight for this crime that her credibility as a leader will be at stake. Yes, Twilight is in the deepest shit she could possibly be in at this moment. I don't think that message was properly conveyed as she only concentrates on her title and how ponies will view her and even how disappointed Celestia will be in her at the current moment.
Take notice of the difference between the above paragraph and the one that's above that one. The full scope of the situation is not represented, as the second paragraph where I stated the message wasn't properly said had all the things I've noticed thus far in Twilight's frantic and humiliated state that you've presented to us.
Moving on.
That's it? A cold hearted politician that doesn't care if the orphans die? Only what kind of political repercussions it will have between mankind and ponykind? But of course only the danger that the specific human in her house is. Of course I know that isn't her only worry and to say she's cold hearted may be an overestimation, however the way you described it in this paragraph made me assume she thought of only that specific subject.
"This mare never learns." Keep your opinions out of the story. It's detracting from the context when the authors’ opinions are blatantly directly involved in the context of a story. As a writer, it's your job to convey messages through events and character interactions to us readers. If an event portrays to the plot, or a character who continues to act a way he or she does for a few minutes or even solid hours and days then it's not your job to point it out with comments inside the paragraphs. That's the job of the character actions and environmental changes depending on the scenario, and the readers goal is to intemperate that.
Let's say a woman is being suspicious after her abusive husband is killed by a worrying neighbor. You could either tell the story like it actually happened by explaining it in third person narrative; which would be boring because then the reader isn't surprised when they figure out it was the neighbor all along. Or you can withhold that information and let the cops awareness get the reader caught up in how nervous but relieved the wife was that her husband was dead. Keeping the readers interest in how to prove the wife did it, or if they've read other mystery novels as such then they'd think maybe the wife actually didn't do it and her emotional claim about not killing her husband is a true statement. And when the polygraph detects the lie about loving her husband it can change the mind of the reader.
But because of all this buildup around this one character and the murder, we don't expect the neighbor to come forward about how much he hated hearing her be abused repeatedly each afternoon by her husband, and then the cops show up and nothing happens to him so he killed him. Throw in the possibility of a secret lover who may have motive to do this and then you've got yourself a story.
I may have just given out of context advice.
That or I went off on a tangent.
Ok doing it twice is just annoying.
Wait what? You did it again?
Ready? Ready for what? I have an idea of what but this was literally not explained in any way. I thought the Phoenix tears would be doing some painful quick healing but I guess they require unicorn magic to work, or something? Yea Twilight's actions are way too random in this part because Love Tap never explains what she needs to do. So before the logical and studious Twilight hears Love Taps instructions she instantly puts her active horn down on the patient for no reason whatsoever. This is something that needs to be explained before a single action is taken.
AND CAPITALIZE YOUR FIRST LETTERS OF NEW SENTENCES!
This is the spongiest paragraph I've read so far. And suddenly the characteristics of Twilight Sparkle are crystal clear. She's a narcissistic bitch who wants nothing but the advancement of her studies including friendship and magic at the cost of all the lives in Equestria because she felt like it. And while creating something that could potentially destroy the world, or even both worlds, as she discarded all the warnings because she was excited about meeting something she knows nothing about...
Think of it like this. When you engineer a new technology like teleportation or transportation, you never discard the potential health risks. I mean there is a reason why engines of cars have hoods and air tight insulation. So the moving parts of the engine itself don't get caught and break, then fly away. Or to keep the gas from detonating the engine as each piston ignites the fuel. Or even to keep the heat generated from the engine from reaching the driver because there is something in between the engine and the driver to keep it safe to operate. Hell we even have hoods and frames to hold the engine in place and keep it from being exposed to the elements as well as other people. I mean imagine not being hit by a car, but instead being hit by the vibrating, exploding, very hot engine of a car, then possibly getting stuck in wires and tubes of said car. Don't forget about the how effective of a blunt force weapon the engine itself can be.
Also take not of how much control the person operating said engine has. A steering wheel, stick shift to change torque, acceleration, breaking. Headlights and breaking lights. A very large battery that allows it to run for days and even months before needing a recharge. Yea building any form of transportation is no simple matter. Its as if the first guys who created a nuclear chain reaction did it without protection, and in an apartment...Yea you don't disregard safety no matter what you'd do. Hell a skateboard had more safety concerns while in development than this portal to another universe. According to what Twilight's thoughts are suggesting, I'm surprised I'm not reading about finding a missing Equestria at this point...Anyway yea that's exactly the thought process of this. And you've shown yourself capable of thinking of very creative ideas, so how you didn't have enough clairvoyance to at least add some concerns of Twilight's about the portal is beyond me really. Although this thing is overlooked at times, and I think it's prudent to at the very least mention the complexity of converting a viewing spell to a summoning spell.
Also this seems a bit too deep of a confession considering the nurse isn't even established as one of her close friends. Anyway I think I dug too deep with this and I should move on...I actually took fifteen minutes collecting my thoughts about this one plot hole. I literally only just added the confession part of it after I wrote all that...
*Ahem* moving on.
Ok ok what what what?
You mean she trotted over to the same human that she was already beside and her head already against his chest?
That's the line several paragraphs before this that solidifies her location beside the human. To trot toward him would be to stab him in the eye with a glowing horn...
*snicker*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh god I don't know why I thought that was funny.
....
The quote isn't yours. It most definitely is mine. I even signed it. But this is the contradiction your story just dealt with in its own way. But you still need to remember that this revelation is a little too late in the game, although it's definitely needed. It's like the serial killer was revealed to only kill those with a body count that exceeded one hundred. But their still a killer so...
Oh and keep in mind that emotion should not be forced the way this implies. Love Tap was moved by a life lesson that anypony could learn, and at one point probably has. I see her smiling sympathetically but not being so emotionally touched as a direct result of the speech.
I'm now kinda annoyed with the amount of Button Mash video references. I'm well aware of Jan's ability to animate in such a professional way, and that absolutely remarkable, although the comedy was pretty slap stick it was remarkably humerus...but there's no way I can say this persistence is a good thing. Maybe one reference was cool and gave you a high five and a smile earlier, but now you've basically referenced about 80% of the whole video scene by scene. Not only that, but each time Button Mash came up it was in the exact same first person character narrative as the video. You could have, and probably should have used your own personal writing style to retell these events on your own terms. And it's not hard to find the reference when the reference is almost an entire scene from a video.
As for how quickly this scene started and ended, it was anticlimactic for the end of this chapter. You could have easily added some context to the events of the crystal empire by having Button Mash talk about it with Sweetie Belle or her friends at the beginning of the scene, and dragged out the interaction by having them be on the train and eventually travel far enough into Ponyville to separate and head home. This would have added innocence to the characters and would have made the reveal of a new pony or person seem more significant next chapter. A regular colt suddenly finding out that there's someone who moved in with them that's not even from their world? That's pretty life changing, and seeing the difference between his relationships from before to after harboring a human has a big impact for the reader. Only if the human is still a human of course. I only say that because it's implied that he became a pony, and I'm reluctant to believe that because it would be a buzz kill as your description implies otherwise.
Also I noticed how little he seemed to question a hospital chariot leaving his home. Wouldn't that make him more worried? I'm sure the first thought would be "What's going on?" and then "Is mom ok!?" eventually he'd pick up pace or slow down as he gets closer to his house because he's unsure of what to think. This is a perfect way to establish Button Mash's character.
--------------------------------------
Ok my review is over. The concept of this story still remains interesting to me. And this took me 3 days due to editing, adding, and overall reviewing my own review. I purposely tried to attack the logic of a scene and also commented on what you could have done alternatively to give them more meaning. Please don't feel like I've tried to tell you how to write a story when I did that. I have way more hours of listening to critics and fellow authors, as well as writing and co-writing different stories. So being flexible with scenes came naturally after a lot of experience of doing so...and talking about it makes me feel important.
I'm sure you'll find it quickly when I continue these reviews. I still have a lot of hope for you. I've also had some experience in teaching other authors more detail and such, so if ever you feel you'd gain something by hearing what I have to say then I will feel privileged to do so. Teaching is actually something I'm passionate about, so I offer it to anyone I feel has the ability to improve.
I'm also really good at talking...and talking...and typing my opinions as blatantly as possible...OH GOD I'M A REVERSE COUNCILOR!
Anyway, I hope you reply to this comment with the instructions I've stated at the beginning of my review in mind.
3399734 I... uh... umm... I really don't know what to say...
Bro, In all honesty, I didn't think about the political science involved in my story, I didn't think this deep into making this story...
I... I just do this to pass the time! I had absolutely no idea that...
I'm so... stunned right now that you would work for three days on a review. I'm both flattered, and thoroughly impressed by your... is 'tenacity' a good use of diction?
I'll have to read over your review again a couple of times... maybe I could send you my next chapter (when I'm done with it) and you could help me like that? But I have to warn you, there will be no consistency regarding updates...
My mind is legitimately blown right now... Thanks for the honesty?
3399734 Oh and the 'Twilight is a narcissistic bitch' hypothesis...
I congratulate you for understanding that part. Bravo.
3400304
I work hard for what I have faith in.
And when I brought it over to word It was 3,300+ words.
For a 1,890 word chapter...
Yea I'm opinionated
Too many reffrences, hurts to much!!!!
Snowdrop Syndrome
3501200 and I don't know half of them.
pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff hahahahahahhahahahahaha... oh my god TVVVVVVVV HAHAHAHAHA
3400332 is this daredevil?
I think somepony watched too much TV
3399734 damn.....