Just your average Twilestia story. Romance, kissing, Luna being sad, and magic.
...Or is it?
Maybe there is a deeper meaning in here. Maybe there's a lesson of humility, compassion, and hope. Maybe there comes a time where in order to save everything, you have to give up everything as well.
What about the prophecy of the hero? It stated that so many things would happen, so how does that fit in with the peaceful city that is Ponyvi-...OK, so it has a disaster everyday, but it still is peaceful...at least for someone that has ADHD. But how do we know what will happen? All we can do is hope that somehow Luna doesn't destroy us with her knowledge. So what's left when all else is gone? There is only word that describes it: Love.
The end of all magic,
Once feared know loved:
The chorus of voices
All praying for her
They speak a story,
One spoken through years,
Of the ultimate sacrifice
For whom she held most dear.
The end of all magic,
Brought about by one
Who's name is told
To Sparkle when called.
Her lover told her
One single secret
That forged a blade
Of love and pain
But that blade,
Though sharp and feared,
Will never hurt those
Whom she holds most dear.
So she learns
One final lesson,
Of love and sorrow,
To teach her to Listen.
(Prophecy inspired by T. A. Barron's new novel Atlantis Rising.)
I'm going to start out here with some of the positives.
1. The idea is interesting, I don't think I've ever encountered the prospect of alicorns actually being weaker than their unicorn counterparts. To build on this as a backbone for the romance (I assume the romance will be the main part?) could potentially create an awesome story.
2. As it stands now, your writing is pretty good for someone who has only written a single story. The dialogue between Celestia and Twilight was done fairly well.
Then there were negatives.
1. In general sense, grammar. You really need a proofreader for this, more so to catch mistakes like this
Now I'm pretty certain that you know to check up on your work for stuff like this
There are a bunch of minor errors, but I have to pick out one little guy in particular. He is known as the ellipsis. (or the dot, dot, dot).
Its okay if you want to use them here and there, but you've put them just about everywhere. I'd say eliminate most of these, as they're not needed the majority of the time.
2. I understand the whole Twilestia thing is present here, but it seemed... abrupt? I just didn't think it flowed well how Celestia randomly gets interested in Twilight, including the whole cuddling thing. Was that because Twilight looks to her in a motherly way, or something else?
Take your time with something like that, there is no need to rush
3. More of a style thing, but as a suggestion, perhaps lessen the size of the paragraphs. Some of them are quite large and include multiple thoughts which could use some spreading out. Makes it look nicer, and is easier on the reader.
That's all I got at the moment. Now I'm not trying to be hard on you at all, so sorry if it seems like that. I'm just throwing in my two cents on how I think you can improve.
I still need improvements on some things myself.
I'll keep this in watch, and I'm interested to see where this goes and how your overall writing improves with time.
Cheers!
DJRD
3553543
FINALLY!!! CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!! Thank you for everything, and I will now try to address everything that you just said:
1. Thank you for liking the idea, and yes, it will serve as the backbone but I won't say anything about how yet....
2. Thank you. Being a grammar nazi and writing a lot in school clearly helps out.
Negatives:
1. I really hate it when the space key doesn't work. I use an iPad for my stories so that can't be avoided much, especially being that the proofreader group is too hard to setup with an iPad, or at least to me.
1B. I really do use the ellipsis too much, but it's something that I am trying to improve upon! I managed to cut down on my comma usage recently. Needless to say though, I was just shocked that you didn't say that I put an extra dot at the end of some of them.
2. Yes, I wanted to get my idea out for it was bugging me and so I rushed it. I'll probably do a rewrite and fill in the gaps and make it more explanatory and less abrupt. Also, I will explain why it was like that in the next chapter. I had an outline, then I got this in my head and then figured out how to make it tie into my outline...and now I'm rambling.
3. Spread out my thoughts...why didn't I read that sooner?
Thanks for all of the pointers! I am definitely going to like you as a commenter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fix a mistake.
3572839 No problem! You've read a couple of my stories, so its only fair to read one of yours in return!
3573568
Thanks then! And the rewrite should, hopefully, be up by tomorrow. I am going to work on it right now to ensure that it is!
I suggest you mention what the numbers mean. I know they're a type of tell time, but other may not.
3702161
Military time isn't easy enough to understand? Sin- wait, I am using it on my iPad, so yeah, I'll put that up in the next chapter. Thanks for the feedback!