Stormriders: Luna's Own

by PonyMarine

Prologue

Prologue: Background Music
The world is at peace. It's been 150 years since the border disputes with the Northern Griffon Kingdom. Since then the only contact has been from Equestrian Aerospace Defense Force (EADF) Combat Airspace Patrol (C.A.P) sighting their fighters patrolling on their half of the no-fly zone. Recent land disputes between civilian mining groups in the mountains, however, may have the border between the two kingdoms heating up again and with diplomatic relations practically non-existent; the fires of war may be on the horizon…

Northern Equestrian Border
Griffin No Fly Zone C.A.P
370th Night Fighter Wing - Nighthawks
0100 hours

"Nighthawk 3, Lead, tighten up to the formation".

"Copy that Lead, closing the gap".

"No need to be nervous Flight Officer, I know it's your first flight with the squadron out of the academy, but the no-fly zone tends to be pretty quiet most ni-"

"Lead! Seven here. Flash report coming in. One of our mountain radar stations just went off-air with no explanation. Northern Command wants a flyover with all speed."

"Guess I spoke too soon, Three. Nighthawks, Lead, time to shake the lead out, fillies. Break to wing pairs and spread out into combat formation. Three, you're with me."

A chorus of wilcos and the tight chatter of wing pairs forming up was all the speaking the three squadrons of aircraft had to do. They were well trained and this is what they were waiting for. Flight Officer Cloud Burst, also known as Nighthawk 3, quickly maneuvered his F/A-29 Thunderhoof fighter back and to the left of his commanding officer.

The night air was cold and crisp as a little of it slipped past his flight helmet and high altitude breathing system. The moon was light was bright and clear as it lit the mountain ranges below. A night that had started out as a fam flight for him with the squadron and the no fly zone had suddenly turned in to something much more. Somepony might be in big trouble down there... It made him think about his sister, Cloud Dancer, who was with the 368th south west of here. Was she okay tonight?

"Three!"

"Three here, Lead"

"You were drifting off. Get your head in the game."

"Roger, Sir".

"Northern Command, this is Nighthawk Lead. We're approaching visual range of Radar Post 3-9"

"Lead this is 5. I have visual and- Celestia's hooves, it's on fire!"

"Five, Lead, get a hold of yourself and give me an assessment."

"Roger Lead, taking a closer sweep... Luna's mane, bodies everywhere, the post has been completely destroyed. Looks like by aerial attack, no sign of ground forces in the area."

"Copy, NorComm this Nighthaw-"

"Nighthawk Lead, this is AWACS Stormwatch. You have multiple bandits inbound."

"Luna dammit! Nighthawks, break off and engage incoming fighters. Try to get a visual ID!"

The battle was joined…and then the dying started. The sky was filled with missiles, gunfire and explosions as the thirty-two aircraft of the 370th struggled to get clear of the sudden onslaught of the aggressors. Cloud Burster had been trained in basic air combat maneuvering but this... he wasn't ready for this. It sounded like half the wing had already been wiped out and they had barely broken to engage! His surroundings whipped past him as he followed Nighthawk lead, pulling their wing pair in to a hard-G rolling turn, trying to get clear of the ambush. A quick look off to his right and he saw and heard as Nighthawk five, still shaken from her over flight of the radar post, got boxed in by cannon fire from two of the enemy flyers and shot down with close-range missile shots. There was no sign of Nighthawk four any where near her. He refocused, the Major took them up and into an inverted loop that nearly had him blacking out.

"Three, when we come out of this loop, pick a target and hit them with a radar-guided missile as soon as you get a lock."

"Aye, sir."

His voice was shaky. He hoped the major didn't notice how nervous he was. They pulled out of the loop tight and hard, in perfect formation, like the Wonderbolts doing a stunt. He got his targeting pod searching for an enemy and got a clear tone off of a fighter pulling through the smoke cloud that had once been Nighthawk seven.

"Nighthawk three, Fox three!"

The missile raced off its pylon and closed the gap between him and the enemy plane in a heartbeat. He wanted to shout, to celebrate avenging the deaths of his comrades, but training kept him professional.

"Lead, three here. Splash one bandit."

Nothing but static answered him, nothing at all. Cloud Burster went evasive, scanning, trying to find any friendly fighters in the area. Trying to find the Major. His radio transmissions were getting more and more frantic, but it was obvious he was alone. He jumped up frequencies to Battlespace Tactical as he started racing away from the area, knowing that the enemy fighters weren't going to leave him alive and that they were hunting him already.

"Nighthawk three to Stormwatch. I think I'm the only one left. Going supersonic to evade the enemy."

The words died in his mouth as the sound of first one, then two, then three missile lock warnings started screaming in his ears. There was no chance for chaff or flares and fancy flying, not with three missiles closing fast. A quick glance to his rear and he could see the rockets burning towards him, faster then the eye could track. He had just enough time for one final thought; a final whisper.

"Cloud Dancer..."

100 miles away
EADF AWACS aircraft
call sign "Stormwatch"

"This is Stormwatch to Nighthawk 3, is anypony out there? Repeat, Stormwatch to Nighthawks, any call sign respond". Staff Sergeant Aria "Ears" Roughhoof was one of the few earth ponies in the EADF, but also one of the most exceptional Radar and communications technicians in the force. Aboard her E-321 Skyeye AWACS aircraft, with her crew of seven, they were the best at what they did - and they had just failed.

Aria turned to the flight control officer, Captain Aurora Starheart.

"Ma'am, we've lost all radar and radio contact with the 370th. The last radio contact with friendly forces indicates that the entire wing, as well as the outpost has been completely destroyed. We've also lost radar contact with the bandit aircraft." Captain Starheart felt her heart drop a couple inches in her chest. Whatever had started tonight didn't bode well at all.

"Thank you, Staff Sergeant. I'll make the call to NorCom. Thirty two fighters...an entire Celestia-cursed wing!"

She shook her head softly, her sky-blue mane shaking like the flag of a defeated army.

"In the meantime, Staff Sergeant, contact Mareimar Aerospace Defense Force Base. Ask them to scramble CSAR assets with escorts; there may be survivors on the ground."

"Tell them the area is hostile?"

"Yes, Staff Sergeant, until units from Mareimar can tell us otherwise."

"Aye ma'am, I'll get right on it."

Comments

Okay, so.

After reading just about all of the first chapter in minute detail, I have come to the following conclusion.

Your grammar needs improvment. Better punctuation on all dialog-based sentences could be a good start. Also, remember to separate lines of speech to make things a bit clearer. I was confused in quite a few places.

The action in this chapter didn't do it for me. It was a passing thing, a fleeting commentary on the air combat, and I'm the kinda guy who wants to be inside the helmet, making the turns, firing the shots. If it's a cataclysmic wipeout, as you suggested... show us the wipeout in minute detail. I've written an action scene before, and this barely counts as one.

As far as a prologue goes, this did not serve as a good hook to the story. Nothing about it pulled me in, which is what a hook is supposed to do. Find an editor and re-write this chapter. More audience involvement, more dynamic movement. That's all I'm going to say.

[TechnoBrony]

12338 When your IN the cockpit, you don't notice every minute detail, you don't notice everything other than your little bit of space. Your fighter may roll, duck, twist, whatever, but you only notice that its moving the sights closer towards your target, or away from your enemy. Minute details run wet down your back and you can only see now.

Your scared shit-less in a firefight. Even AFTER all the training. Your whole body aches to get into combat, but once your in it, its the most confusing thing in the world. Realistically, you aren't going to get everything from a battle.

Normally battles go by that fast. Its there one second, then its gone. No time to think or remember, just do, react.