It's back! Twilight Sparkle wakes up everyday feeling like she has forgotten something, something important. But she knows that all ponies feel that way. Her memories are perfect and complete and absolutely real. Right? A strange cult leader called Solstice, an army of voilently mad ponies, and a full scale alien invasion might say otherwise.
Artist credit goes to R3ap3rG.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It was OK.. Try to be more concise when you write, and you'll have a really good story.
Alternate history, go on.
You mentioned this was your first fanfic, and seeing as how you seem to have put a bit more effort into it than 'human wakes up in equestria, lol', I thought I'd put a bit more into my comment than: 'it'll be interesting to see where you take this.' Better go get my Editor hat.
To start off with, the indents: you've put indents in the first paragraphs of the first two sections but don't seem to have done it for the third, so I'm not really sure what it's meant to represent. You'll want to check that. Also, there's a missing paragraph-space-thing (?) just after you introduce Pinkie.
The next major thing is your use of capitals: Diamond Dogs needs to be in caps, as does Twilight on the 2nd paragraph, the speaking part in the same section and the first line of the third section. Arch-Chancellor, as a title, would usually be in caps too, but that one's pretty much your choice.
Third thing I'd mention is commas: Twilight's line -"Thanks for the chat Scootaloo but I've got to go" reads better as "Thanks for the chat, Scootaloo, but I've got to go". Likewise, the 3rd paragraph could do with a comma after 'alas'. This one from the 2nd section: ' As Twilight entered the kitchen and sat at the table she said. "Good morning Rarity', is a bit more subtle: you need to replace the full-stop after said with a comma otherwise the flow becomes all choppy. Oh, and you need an extra full-stop on the end of E.D.S.C.
I'm guessing a fair few of the mistakes comes from uploading it to Fimfiction (If that's what you did), because your spelling's top notch and there's a random square bracket in the second section (also a space mistake below that). Pegusi is usually Pegasi, but I think that might be more of a fandom thing.
Final thing, I swear, is that this sentence: 'Light came in from the skylight constructed of a special crystal that enhanced all light that shined through it.' might work better with 'shined' replaced with 'shone'. I think that's the correct tense to use, but I wouldn't quote me on it. There's probably a few more things that I haven't picked up on, so you might want to run through it again: the lack of spelling mistakes shows you've put some time into it, so it's a shame to let the last thing mess it up.
Okay then, Editor hat off.
First off, the premise is good: you don't give out much information other than that something is wrong, and I like that because I'm not quite sure what's wrong, let alone how it became wrong. You've kept most of the mane six in character which can be sadly a rarity
.
Apart from all that, there's not much else to say. Tension's rising, everything's mysterious and apparently there's a human to be expected (or is HE what's wrong?) It'll be interesting to see where you take this.
Y U CANCEL