The Cold of Night

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In the dead of night we let slip our darkest thoughts and deepest regrets where we hope they will never be found. It has been a thousand years since a mare was banished within the moon. Now, with the passing of an age, has anything changed? Or will some things always remain the same?

Thank you to Loopy Legend for his editing work and encouragement in making my first submission.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Peachy Moon

Peachy Moon #1 · Oct 11th, 2013 · · ·

Interesting. I liked it, but I'm not qualified to review anything.

Danger Beans

Danger Beans #2 · Oct 11th, 2013 · · ·

'The common folk toil seeking naught but contentment within the simplicity of their daily lives; Blissfully unaware that each of them shoulder the burden of turning the gears that pour lifeblood throughout the land.

You have a LOT of incorrectly capitalized words. I'd recommend getting a proofreader, or running your text through the Auto-Proofreading App.

Also, I noticed some inconsistent spacing between your paragraphs; for example, in the following passage:

She had seen it herself.
As colts, they had not dreamed of one day defending Princess Luna , they had not run through fields slashing wooden swords at imagined dragons in the name of princess Luna, they had not left their homes and traveled to Canterlot in order to swear loyalty to Princess Luna; and as Stallions, their hearts did not swell with the same pride when Princess Luna entered a room under their care.

There should be a space underneath "herself" and "as colts."

Other than that, interesting story. And If you ever require a proofreader, I'm always happy to help. Danger Beans out.

Shadow Kat

Shadow Kat #3 · Oct 11th, 2013 · · ·

3332501
Thank you very much, Danger Beans. Your keen eye is greatly appreciated as are the tips

3332427
Thanks for reading, Bekdontraz. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Loopy Legend

Loopy Legend #4 · Oct 12th, 2013 · · ·

3332501 Ah, I can't believe I missed all that! The Google Doc version is crap for trying to correct spacing as well. Will run it through Word next time.

Danger Beans

Danger Beans #5 · Oct 12th, 2013 · · ·

3334645
I'm confused, did you proofread this story?
The authors notes gave no mention of one.

Loopy Legend

Loopy Legend #6 · Oct 12th, 2013 · · ·

3334711 He is new to FimFiction. I don't expect him to know how everything works around here, that, and he to humble. I will get some time later to correct this a little for him.

Starguy135