• Member Since 17th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen March 13th

Huntermjiolnir


T

Freak. Half-breed. Abomination. He has heard them all. For years he has been ridiculed merely because of his heritage. But when he encounters a pony while wandering a forest to get away from the horrible names, he is surprised to find she is not frightened or afraid of who, of what he is. She offers him a place to stay in the nearby town swearing she will defend him from the inevitable taunts and jeers. Warily he accepts, and as he moves in he is surprised to find the town more accepting of his form then others. Slowly he feels something within him changes. A spark alights in his heart, the spark of friendship. This is his story.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 143 )

Has potential, I cannot wait or more. Best wishes

Twilight wants to know him, personally

Glad to see you post this story.

Tracking the hell outta this thing!

Not a bad idea - great actually, tough the writing could use a little work. I mean no offense, but I had a hard time reading without getting a headache. If you'll let me... Here's a few tips to help improve:
1. Paragraphs instead of one line sentences. Helps give form.
2. More content in scenes. Removes the sense of moving too quickly.
3. More descriptions/actions. Creates better visualization.

Other than that it's still a good story, and I can't wait to see where it goes.

Calling it now, time traveling RariSpi-
"dragon mother"
...oh
Darn.

If I may;
Your story was good, but it lacks punctuation. You need more commas.
Love the plot, I'm eager to see where this is going. But you and I seem to have the same weakness, which is that our writing is short, and to the point.

I'm impressed. You have a wonderful style. The tense was strange (most stories are in past tense), but I like it!

One more thing. Being southern myself, I happen to know that 'y'all' is a contraction of, 'you all', meaning more than one person. I suppose it could work either way though. Good job!

My initial reaction to the story...

*Me* Reading an original and awesome piece of fiction (This story)
*Story* Tells me to Read on and enjoy the pure awesome
*Me* Discovers there's only one chapter.
*Story* Chuckles and tells me to be patient
*Me* T_T

I assume Draco looks a lot like your current, Avatar, you might want to make it the cover art for this superb story. It's not mind-blowing, but it is an enjoyable read, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

Not bad, not bad at all.
I just can't help but notice how the dialogue seems to run together. There is no way anyone without the lung capacity of a fuel tanker could say so much in one breath. A little trick I use is to speak what they're saying, get you feeling whats natural and such.

I like this story, it is very interesting. I could not help but be reminded of "Dragon of the Eclipse", another crossbreed pony/dragon story. Only, in that one, Applejack is the one to have a problem with the dragon-pony's crossbreed nature. I prefer this version of Applejack. Great story so far and I am looking forward to more.

More:ajbemused:
Now:flutterrage:
also, I saw some grammatical errors and if you need help with that, or editing just PM me:pinkiehappy:
I am a Grammar Nazi just so you know:twilightsmile:

"nearly consuming her entire face"
O.o wow, that's a big smile

The way you're writing Draco makes me picture him as a robopony rather than a dragonpony for some reason

You might want to work on maintaining your tenses. It would make it a smoother read.

298313 not the first time for Pinkie...:pinkiehappy:

286114 AAAAAAAA *stabs you through the chest with a sword* ... whoops

299197 no biggie. I'll just use my health pack and I'll be right as rain!

299275 wait... you get HEALTH PACKS... how are you talking with a sword currently stuck in your chest?

299292 it's not stuck in my chest
*rams blade into your stomach*
it's in you:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

299292 and yes, i get health packs because I'm a spartan as well:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

299617 *blade dissapears a moment before it hits me* well that's not very nice *holding pistol out of nowhere* :pinkiecrazy: *BANG* you have a new nosehole :pinkiecrazy:

299638 nope, do you know what my name means?

Breaking the 'fight' here.

Dialog's a bit smoother, so that an improvement. Although it still seems to move along too quickly.

299644 UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.................
No?:applejackconfused:

299741 :pinkiecrazy: it means 'heavenly slaughter' :pinkiecrazy:

299784 didn't know that:derpyderp1:
and I was referring to Halo with the energy sword

299789 i know, but it was not, it was a sword created out of light (same with the pistol)

299796:derpytongue2:...............................................................................................................:derpyderp2:
I thought that they were real not light

299804 *glomps you and disappears in a puff of smoke*

299814so you tackle me... it's like running into a brick wall... *another pony comes from behind me, he's grey, wearing red sunglasses, a lab coat, and has a devil horn on the right side of his head, he is a unicorn*
*standing right next to you, wherever you dissapeared to* Hello, i'm DJ Bl4ck0ut

299939 I mean I ran away from you almost as fast as dashie can
but, in stead of leaving a rainbow trail I left a cartoonish cloud of dust that was shaped like me
and I just gave you a hug. while flying. sooooooooo. bye! *disappears in a cloud of dust*

299963 WHOAH
... *facepalm* you ran into Fifty-Fifty... he's a lightweight, but he's kinda still on you
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?! *on your back*

299978 OOPS!!! Here *sets Fifty-Fifty on the ground*
sorry about that Fifty.
Bye!!!*disappears in a puff of smoke*
*the smoke dissipates and you see me run into a fence*
Ow...
well this is awkward...
Bye!*flies straight up and THEN disappears in a cloud of dust*

299998 LOOK OUT FOR THAT... oooh, mountain

300023 OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
you just HAD to jinx me didn't you?
at least I'm not running into trees

300041 I wasn't flyi-
*goat falls on my head*
:twilightangry2:...................................................................................................:twilightangry2:

300106 *sees whale falling*:trollestia:
*pushes you under it and disappears in a puff of smoke*:trollestia:
*gets hit by a bowl of petunias*:twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

300113 i get the reference, ...CAMEL *dissapears*

300135 *catches camel before it hits the ground* HAH! and you thought I was just going to avoid it!

300144 not THAT camel, THAT one

300190 this is getting old:ajbemused:
*digs a hole and buries himself*:trollestia:

300223... ummmm you buried yourself?! *stomping above you*

300303 Eeyup
now nothing can fall on me NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHHHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

300312 *a worm falls onto your head*

300318 :ajbemused:
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
that's it *pulls out spartan laser*
*points it upwards*
you have three seconds to move before I unleash hell upon you!
*starts charging the laser*

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