The Exiled Dragon

by TheNinjaTanuki

The Murderer

Under the moonlight, Gale crept in the shadows of the Everfree Forest. He ran up into a tall canopy of a tree. He watched as the Crystal Empire guards pursuing him ran on by, murder is a serious crime and the guards will not give up easily. However, after sometime the guards gave up on the search as the forest was tabooed among ponykind.

The forest is the only shelter a renegade dragon could have. A damp cave would do for the night, as long it is uninhabited. No matter how many times he slept in the Everfree, he could never let his guard down while in the mysterious forest. After finding a flint and some dry leaves, Gale made a little fire for warmth. Gale never could breathe fire like normal dragons do. He then awaits slumber, but it is never easy, nothing is ever easy for Gale. Under the moonlight he recalls his home, burned to the ground by the lightning storm that he caused.

He was merely a little baby dragon and wasn't able to contain the winds he summoned. Winds so strong not even the weather ponies could hold back. News of the incident spread throughout all of Equestria and Gale was branded a monster. Gale woke up startled by the howls of the timber wolves. Gale quickly left his shelter and ran for the exit of the forest. The howls of the wolves filled the forest; the timber wolves had caught up with Gale and soon had cornered him from all sides. The wolves circled him, waiting for an opening to strike Gale down. One of the wolves grew impatient and pounced towards Gale. The dragon had managed to dodge the attack but the wolf was still able to leave a gash across his chest.

In desperation, Gale took a deep breath and unleashed a roar as loud as thunder. The echoing roar sent the pack running away frightened. However, the roar had drained every drop of energy in Gale and rendered him unconscious. By the time Gale came through it was already morning. The morning sun burned his face and blinded his eyes. It is as if Celestia herself is pouring over her hatred upon him. Thus began another day for this lonely dragon. Gale moved out in search of the nearest town to find a contractor for another job. Every now and again, Gale will do numerous jobs for contractors to get a sum of Bits. Gemstones aren’t very cheap to buy and even exiles have to eat sometime. On the other hand, the wound the timber wolf left him does not look good. His scales are torn and his skin sticky with blood. The pulsating painful sensation adds up to his torment. After a short march along a dirt road, Gale could not move another step and blacked out. Rustling of the leaves, rushing sounds of the river stream, it was all very peaceful and intoxicating.

Then there was a sharp horrible stench. It was so sudden that gale woke up in a jolt.

“Ah! You have awoken, my strange little dragon”

Gale tried to focus on the voice but his head pounded against his skull and the stench was not helping either. He raised his eyes towards the voice and saw a strange pony, she had her mane in a mohawk and her body was striped black and white.

“You may call me Zecora, my dear friend. Might I now know the story at your end?” urged Zecora.

There was no reply from Gale.

“There is no need to be scared, I am not a creature to be feared” said Zecora.

“They call me Gale” whispered the dragon.

“Ah, Gale, the name of powerful winds, an unusual name for one of your kin” said Zecora.

“I am not a normal dragon; I don’t even think I even am. The name was given to me by-” Gale’s voice trailed off. He needed to be careful not to reveal himself, especially when it is in the situation he is in at the time.

The creature pony looked at him deeply for a couple of moments. And then she nodded as she had agreed on something.

“You, dragon, have a dark past you would rather not share, that is understandable in the state you fare” said Zecora in conclusion.

“But still your wound has not fully healed, the cut and gash had I only sealed, ailments and ointments did I add, I could have done more but I apologize, young dragon lad” explained Zecora”

“It is alright, this is already too much for me to ask of you. But if it is alright I would like to ask for directions to the town near here, I’m meeting somepony” said Gale.

“The town you seek is Ponyville, follow the dirt road and you’ll find it over the hill” said Zecora.

Ponyville, it was the town he was told to be. The mysterious notes that he had been receiving, all led to Ponyville.

Gale thanked Zecora for her help and left her cottage. By nightfall he saw a glimpse of the glowing streetlamps of the sleeping town.

Perfect, thought Gale, it is easier to move around the town at night, it is less likely he would raise any suspicions. Besides he loved solitude.

“Halt! Who goes there?” a sudden voice came from behind him.

“Nopony should be out this late at night it can be dangerous here so close to the Everfree” He continued.

He was a guard, no doubt about it. He must have been patrolling around the area. Oh how careless Gale thought himself. He never though that guards would patrol this far out from the town, this town must have been in many other predicaments before. But there is not time to think of an escape plan. There was only one way Gale could think of.

“Who are you? I have never seen you in Ponyville before” the guard presses on.

Slowly Gale bared his claws.

“You better come with me, I’ll bring you to Ponyville-“

“No, I cannot risk that” said Gale, followed by a swift strike from his claw.

The dragon’s claw slashed through the unfortunate guard’s neck. A smooth clean cut, the colt’s skin was as soft as butter and his warm blood trickled down Gale’s arm.

Another murder, but what else is new, thought Gale.

.

Author's Note:

Please comment on what i did wrong, i am a noob at this

Comments

[TheNocturnalLoner]

Okay, here are a few things I've noticed about this fic.

Punctuation/Grammar:
There are a few mistakes. I noticed some sentence fragments, run-on sentences, and a few instances of improper grammar/sentence structure. Some word choices also seemed edgy, in my opinion.

Pacing:
It seemed to me that you were trying to move the story too far with too few words. Reading it, it felt rushed and hastily written.

Format:
Yikes. I know it's not really my business to question how you space out your lines or paragraphs, but this time is an exception. The first half looks like a huge paragraph with some small indents scattered in here and there, while the dialogue part looks like a bunch of smaller centered paragraphs. There are no spaces between any paragraphs, and that makes this story look like a giant, messy, wall-of-text submission. Not to mention it makes it a bit hard to read.

Regardless of errors, your story premise sounds interesting and could be polished into a great story. However, steps must be taken to make your story look more professional and to fix errors. I would suggest finding an editor or pre-reader for this.

Also, have a like. Everyone starts out somewhere, some just have a better head-start than others. I'm sure your writing will become better and better as time goes on and you practice. Just be mindful that your writing will only improve if you put the time and effort into it, as well as wanting to improve in the first place.

[Exodus45]

I think that was the longest paragraph I have ever read. Just as a kindness to your readers, try putting an extra space between paragraphs.

[TheNinjaTanuki]

3359325 thanks for the encouraging comments. i really appreciate the feedback, ill try to get better at writing and improve this story. your advice is inspiring and i pinky promise i will get better. again thank you