Daylight Shadow hides a strange secret, one that has nearly cost him everything. After an embarrassing incident involving Royal Captain Shining Armor he has worked hard to prove himself. Now almost a year later Daylight is offered his dream job, every thing he could ever want. A respected position watching over the heroines of harmony, faithful ponies under his command, and an... 'ancient family curse with the only thing keeping it in check is his physical innocence'? Well whats the worse thing that could happen its not like Ponyville is crawling with friendly attractive mares or dark forces plot against the kingdom using their love stealing powers.
Chapters (3)
Should be an "it", specifically, it should be "...appreciated it was not..."
Given that no one is speaking here, it should use third person pronouns. ("the more he learned", "the more he was convinced")
Not exactly anything wrong with this and you don't need to change anything, I just wanted to take the opportunity to point out that it makes Jasmine seem like a bit of a bitch. If you're tired of a relationship and want to break it off, that alone is enough justification to break it off. Nothing can justify cheating, something might make it excusable, but never justified.
The wording here is a bit clunky, I'd phrase it something like "Violet was pretty and vulnerable; a single mom with three kids to care for and an emotionally abusive marefriend. Just the thing to appeal to a guardsmare's protective instincts."
Given the context, I think you meant Evening rather than Violet. Which just makes Jasmine come off as even worse, as she's now apparently making it look like Evening is cheating in order to cover up her own cheating.
Should be "a lot"
Man I'm feeling a bit out of sorts with chapter 3. There is so much I want to do but I find I have to cut back or things get confusing. I'm mostly done with the chapter but I just want to clean everything up. The hardest thing is I'm useing way to much internal dialog, but conversational exposition is so clunky.
Dat tile makes me think of 40 year old virgin
3451029
Lol well not quite, Dawn isn't the way he is because of social ineptness. Its more a fear of mortal doom and possibly the loss his very soul.
3451067 I would have said that this story needs a comedy tag for that sentence alone, but that would be rude, so I won't.
3451085
Lol thank you, I do intent to attempt humor I think its best if I don't make promises I cant keep. It seems like things I find funny other people think is just silly or nonsensical, while things i think are mildly entertaining people find hilarious
Hippogriff not hippogryph. On another note, this is the first time I have seen one in a ponyfic (I think).
3452241
Fixed thank you, yes you don't hear much about them in fics. I always kinda liked the concept of this pairing and wanted to incorporate it. I kinda wanted him to be technically a pony with a cutie mark but griffon tendencies that ponies may find creepy or just strange.
3452345
I would expect them to be more common in the fandom; both ponies and griffons are canon to the show, and it wouldn't be that much of a stretch to add their progeny to the mix.
I assume that you are not continuing this story anymore?