• Member Since 25th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen September 1st

Lenora Goff


To be written later

T
Source

It is the 52nd century, and Roger is still living with his parents at the age of 26. This isn't because he's a loser, it's because by this time there aren't any other humans.

Well, at least there's none anywhere near.

With the fact that there are no more humans bearing down on him, and the idea that they won't be able to survive forever alone, Roger has started a project to try to travel forward in time. Evolution will have surely helped create a new species that can help them out, right? Two hundred million years into the future, he comes into a world that he knows nothing about.

He has to find a way to integrate into this society, if he even wants to be a part of it, before he can bring his parents. But how will the inhabitants react to him?

Forgot to give you the names of my beautiful editors.
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Planyx
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Agaris

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 28 )

what is it about this story that strike me off? i like it but not like it... sorry i don't know why i feel like that.

3334684

I can respect that. I ask that, maybe, you give it a chapter or two more time to give you something to really like about it. After all, the first two chapters are basic set up. I plan on putting up the third chapter within a week and another every week afterwards. Maybe put it on your read later in the meantime?

If you come up with what you don't like about it, tell me.

I thrive on feedback.

If you could give some, I'd be thankful.

This is a better love story than twilight that's for sure good job

3376416

:facehoof:

I have to admit, I did chuckle at that though. I would respond with the 'but this is not a romance' to which you would probably respond with 'exactly'.

Then we'd well laugh at Twilight.

I claim the first comment of this chapter to be mine.

Hope you like, the chapter that s.

I kind of feel bad about the fact that this has nothing to do with halloween....

Oh well, it was a scheduled update. *thumbs up*

First, a blue journal, then are you my mummy.

The Doctor Who references are making my brain full of... something.

3445581

I actually didn't think about the blue journal, but the mummy thing was because I had just watched that episode. That one was a reference. The blue journal was more because my favorite color is blue. :twilightsheepish:

Forgot that I ended up putting up the wrong chapter.

Silly me.

This is the right one, though.

Hope you like it.

I welcome anyone who gives this a thumbs down to either tell me why here or send me a private message. I'm not going to be able to improve the story if I don't get feedback from those who don't like it as well as those who do.

Nothing at all...

*cackling laughter*

And now things are slowly happening.

VERY slowly, but this is the set up. Notice how I changed it from slice-of-life to adventure? That's some promise, but you'll have to wonder what.

There's some confusing parts here. Like... Spike comes in all suspicious, and they have a staring contest. Then they're cool and Roger is happy Spike isn't suspicious of him. Except he JUST WAS, and the text isn't clear about at what time Spike mellows out, and when the staring tension goes away and they're comfortable with each other. Roger looked at something else, and that's all the indication that the text gives that the tension left.

In a way it's also sorta related to how some of his reactions seem detached. Like this chapter he learns his interior anatomy is messed up, specifically that he has two livers, and his lungs are bizarre (apparently bizarre even to him, not just a case of ponies not knowing what Human anatomy looks like), and there's... no reaction. Not denial, not "her machine must be faulty", not shock either; there's not even a sense of numbness. He just accepts it, has a few thoughts, and moves on.

Similar is his distrust of Twilight at the end: he while the text claims he's suspicious, it doesn't really feel like he's suspicious. I suppose those two examples could just be his character: after his life of him and his parents all of his emotional reactions are numbed.

Also sometimes your paragraphs are difficult to decipher, especially if in one paragraph one person is talking, and one person is reacting: it makes it difficult to tell if the speaker is supposed to be the reactor or the other participant. Most of your dialogue doesn't have a ", he said" or stated or questioned, and a little bit of that might help for clarity's sake.

I did chuckle when Roger explicitly lies to Spike that he's a good judge of character though, because when I was reading him say I thought: no you're not, you've only been judging actual live people for a week and you haven't been doing a great job. Then he confirms it.

3493018

I got some of that from the concept of the children I have helped take care of. Note, not my children. Children are initially shy around new people, sometimes distrusting. Then they can, in almost no time flat, become some of the most trusting, especially if they think that the person is just like them. In this case, it is being an outsider. We know that Spike sometimes feels like an outsider because of the Migration episode.

The internal organs would be ... well, how can I explain it? He's going to have some sort of reaction about it, obviously, but right now he's having information overload. His mind is kind of going blah because of all of the new things that have happened in the last week or so. Everything has changed. Besides, he plans on talking to people who would actually know something about this, IE his parents.

He is also ready to accept just about anything about himself, biologically, because he isn't quite aware of his own physique. It is all part of the idea that he was born in a rather ... unique way. I think I made a reference to that in the first or second chapter, but I could expand on it in another if you'd like. Maybe flashback.

Once again, I apologize if this was terribly explained. I am trying to make these stories better as time goes on, and am thankful for the feedback.

He is only suspicious of Twilight at the end because of the fact that she's kind of brushing him off with the 'oh, it is nothing' sort of response. That doesn't seem right to him.

There we go.

Thank you guys for the feedback that you have given, it has improved my story.

Still waiting for the truth.....

Looks like you left your editor's notes in the text.

3550626

Ooops. XD

Sorry about that.

so is that how your ending the story or was the story marked complete by mistake?

3580706

Yep, that's how I'm ending it.

I might or might not do something else with the universe created here. Mostly it just felt better than continuing on directionless.

Even with all of the mistakes, I love this story. Please, for the love of god, write more! This cliffhanger will bother me for a long time...I probably won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that this story won't be continued. I beg of you, at least write up to a point with a proper conclusion. I don't care if it ends with him being murdered by ponies in a horrific riot, just please give it a proper ending.

3589188

The biggest problem with me continuing until we have a 'proper conclusion' is that I realized I don't have a proper conclusion. Or more accurately, I have no way to get through what I intended to do next.

I wanted to like this story. I completely enjoyed it until it stopped. You provided no closure and, tbh, no ending to this story. It just stops after ambiguity. If you wanted to leave the ambiguity you should have stopped one chapter earlier where it has him trying to leave with the machine making funny noises like it's going to explode and everything going white. Alternatively have him pass out and end. The final chapter presents itself like the story has at least a little more to go.

4060861

Yeah, to be honest it kind of went like this. I started to type up more, got another editor to look at it, and he said it was incoherent and made no sense. I asked him when the best point would be to end it, so he pointed to where I actually clipped it. I guess the story just sort of ... didn't run the course I expected it to.


If you could tell me what you liked about the story, though, that'd be extremely helpful.

4061656
The story provided a clear and simple conflict with a little humor thrown in to lighten the rather heavy tone of the specieism of the ponies within the story. You also have your protag act reasonably by saying "this is idiotic, I'm leaving." The thing I don't understand is why wasn't Bonbon ever arrested for battery? Then again, Pony Land has so many legal violations that doesn't have someone get arrested, this isn't even the most egregious.

4061800

If I had continued, that would have eventually come up. Why wasn't Bonbon arrested? Because assault is classified as when one pony physically attacks another pony. I might have to look into continuing eventually, to be honest.

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