Twilight's Kingdom - part 1
Sunset and I had gone to Hoofsen Bay to give the good ship Milwaukee a refreshing scrubdown. I figured it would help the both of us get to know the boat better as well as polishing everything to look awesome for the final showdown that was coming up.
As far as final showdowns go, this might turn into the Battle of Everything Ever. I mean, if I didn’t get business taken care of, this entire universe and the multiverse beyond could be in jeopardy. Everything was building to a head, and I had a feeling that we were about to meet the final boss soon, to borrow an expression.
And when that happened, I wanted to be stylish. Sunset and I worked with buckets and sponges, making sure the boat looked good. It was dirty work, of course, and both Sunset and I ended up covered in soap and water.
She looked good all wet. The sun was just right, the soft light making particular curves apparent and pleasing to the eye. I couldn’t resist touching her.
You’re damn right I’m talking about the boat. Wouldn’t want you to think anything else. Milwaukee was an awesome ship. Can’t blame me for getting a little poetic about my hot naval tulip.
Finishing up the cleaning, Sunset and I paused for a break. We sat on the edge of the pier, dangling our legs over the water. Her hoof touched mine.
“It’s a nice day,” she said, smiling.
I nodded. “Sure is.”
She shifted slightly, moving a few inches nearer. “It’s nice to relax after all that work.”
Sunset hesitated and then leaned closer, resting her head on my shoulder. We sat there for a few moments together.
My eyes were crossed, staring at her horn, which had ended up right in front of my face. I didn’t want to move too quickly or it might poke my eye out or something.
Sunset sighed contentedly and embraced me a little tighter. “I really enjoy spending time with you, Valiant.”
Just then, a seapony splashed to the surface of the water nearby. Sunset lifted her head in surprise and I took the opportunity to not get my eye poked out.
“Hey,” I said to the seapony. “‘Sup?”
He checked his diving watch pointedly and looked at me. “I was just wondering when you’re going to call on us again. You said we should get ready but you haven’t done anything yet.”
“Soon,” I told him. He gave me an impatient look and ducked under the water again.
I got up and stretched. Sunset stood, looking at me expectantly.
“I think that’s all for now,” I said. “Let’s go.”
I turned towards the Hoofsen Bay train station. Sunset quickly caught up with me. “What was with that pony in the water?”
“The seaponies and I have an arrangement,” I told her.
She nodded and fell into silence. The two of us got tickets and got on the train to Canterlot where I was planning to change trains for Ponyville. Sunset sat beside me on the way.
In Canterlot, we unexpectedly met Twilight and friends returning from the Crystal Empire where they had been meeting somebody important. I only say important because Twilight used that word, not because I had ever heard of said visitors before.
Twilight was depressed about something. “I feel rather useless as a Princess. It was a great gathering but they just wanted me to unfurl a banner.”
“Did you do it like a Princess?” I asked.
“As much as I could, just unfurling a banner. There are a lot of things you can do like a Princess – including smiling and waving – but just showing off a welcome sign doesn’t really require alicorn powers.” Twilight sighed. “I’m beginning to think that I don’t have a princessly job. Celestia does the sun, Luna does the moon, and Cadance does love. I’m just an extra.”
“Almost like you were accidentally created,” I suggested.
Twilight gave me a look, but I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. I mean, we all knew that it was some guy’s fault that she was made an alicorn, not anything she had actually done. Then she shot him in the head for it, and I had been too busy and apathetic to do anything about the situation since then. But if Twilight was not wanting to be a Princess, then clearly the status quo was working itself out naturally. Didn’t mean I couldn’t give it a push, though.
We were just about to get on the train to Ponyville when a Royal Guard came up to us. “Princess Twilight, your presence at the castle is requested immediately.”
“What’s going on?” she asked. “Something important, I hope.”
“Very,” the guard agreed.
“Are you quite sure?” she pressed.
“Er, yes, Princess. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were quite insistent that you come immediately.”
“It’s not going to be just another lip service formality bullshit Princess thing, is it?” I asked.
The guard glanced at me, jerking in surprise. I was glad to see that the Royal Guards were finally recognizing me, or at least had heard of my reputation. He quavered and looked nervous. “I…um, no, I’m sure it’s very important, sir.”
Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. “Well if it’s important enough that this guardspony is actually willing to stand up to Valiant, then I guess it really must be a serious situation.”
“You’re welcome,” I said.
She shot me a look. “That wasn’t a complement. Come on, everypony.”
We left the train station, going across the city to the castle where Celestia and Luna laid out the situation for us. An old bad guy named Lord Tirek had escaped from where he had been held and was now running loose.
“Tirek came here from a distant land intent on stealing Equestrian magic,” said Celestia.
Luna continued. “His brother Scorpan alerted us to Tirek’s intentions.”
Celestia nodded. “Scorpan returned to his own land, and Tirek was sent to Tartarus for his crimes. But it appears he has found a way to escape.”
“How could that have happened?” Twilight asked.
“One can only imagine,” said Luna.
Everyone looked at me. “What?” I said. “I’ve never even heard of Tirek before.”
“Yes, but you were responsible for a lot of underworld-related activities,” Twilight argued. “You are the reason there’s a portal to Tartarus under the library basement!”
“Hey now, that responsibility is partially shared by others, including but not limited to Rainbow’s husband,” I pointed out. “And besides, this is, what, the fourth or fifth bad guy we’ve had to deal with because they figured out how to get out of their prison? It is simply not my fault that you guys don’t know how to build containments that will last more than a thousand years and I refuse to be held liable. Besides, why didn’t we deport the guy and let his own people handle him?”
Twilight shook her head and got back on topic. “Regardless of when he escaped, why is this the first we’re hearing of it? Why is he just now starting to steal magic?”
“He’s not, this didn’t just now start,” I said. All eyes turned to me again. I went on. “Hello? Crazy shit going on? Haven’t I been saying that something was wrong with Equestria?”
Celestia said, “Tirek’s time in Tartarus left him very weak. He has just now gained enough strength to use his dark powers and ‘go public’ as it were.”
“With each passing moment, he grows stronger still,” Luna reminded. “Ponies are losing their magic and their cutie marks. He cannot be allowed to continue. And I know just the Princess who can stop him.”
This was Twilight’s cue, as fighting bad guys usually was. “Yes! I'll find him and–”
Celestia shook her head, cutting her off. “No, Twilight. I'm afraid I must call in another to stop Tirek. Discord.”
“Hold your goddamned horses,” I said. “Since when is Discord a princess?”
“Uh, yes,” said Luna, looking at her sister. “Why would we send him?”
“He can sense when there's a magical imbalance. The next time Tirek steals magic, Discord will be able to track him down,” replied Celestia.
“Twilight is the Element of Magic,” I put in. I turned to Twilight. “You could do that too, right?”
Twilight nodded. “I could, with the correct spell.”
“I had another reason in mind,” said Celestia.
“We’re sending Discord because it’s about time he got off his lazy ass and actually did something productive around here?” I guessed.
Celestia nodded.
“That makes sense, I suppose,” said Twilight. “Okay, Discord can handle it.”
That being settled, the group made ready to leave. Luna pulled me aside for a few quick words. “You’ll make sure this turns out all right.”
It sounded like an order, but one I was already planning on. I nodded. “Yup.”
“It’s the reason I’ve been training you and everypony working for me,” she said. “Just do what I tell you and everything will be fine.”
“Oh Luna, you have no idea,” I said.
She looked at me suspiciously. “You have been working for me, correct?”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t also work for myself.”
Luna gave me a look. “Valiant, after this is over, you and I will be having a talk about authority.”
“You want me to respect it?” I guessed.
“Yes, respect my authority.”
I don’t think she liked how I walked away giggling.
I met back up with everyone and we got on the train back to Ponyville. As we found our seats, Pinkie said, “I guess Princess Cadance still isn’t ready to be seen in public. She wasn’t there at that super important Princess meeting.”
“Well, after what happened,” agreed Applejack.
“Are we really going to talk about this on a public train?” Rarity asked.
“No,” I said.
“But–”
“Do you guys really want to discuss Cadance’s baby hole and the controversy therein?”
When I put it that way, they did not. It became a quiet trip back to Ponyville. Sunset leaned on me some more. I think she fell asleep.
A few miles down the track, Rainbow glanced to the side and pointed out the window. “Hey, what’s that?”
I turned my head to have a look. “Is it a fuck? Can we give it to someone? Lord knows I don’t have any.”
It turned out to be dark clouds on the horizon. “Hmm,” Rainbow muttered. “It looks like the weather patrol isn’t doing their job. Good thing I’m a future Wonderbolt now.”
The clouds were heading away from us, so nobody, including me, particularly cared. It was still somewhat worrying. What had happened to the weather patrol? What was I going to do to sabotage Rainbow’s chances as a Wonderbolt?
When we got back, Twilight decided to go to the old castle in the forest and do some reading. The other mares decided to accompany her for lack of anything better to do. So did I. And where I went, apparently, Sunset went.
Rainbow Dash sighed as we neared the strange glowing tree that grew near the castle. “I still can't believe we had to give back the Elements.”
“It had to be done or the Tree of Harmony wouldn't have survived,” reminded Rarity.
“Even without the Elements, our friendship is as strong as ever,” added Fluttershy.
“I just hope another friend of ours never makes us sorry we had to give them up,” said Applejack.
On cue, Discord appeared. “Oh, you’re talking about me, I presume?”
“How’d you guess?” deadpanned Applejack. I’d noticed before that she was really becoming perceptive and getting in some good one-liners. If we didn’t have Twilight, Applejack would really make a good team leader.
“I couldn't help but notice that Twilight hasn't yet opened this little chest of hers,” said Discord, showing off the box we’d gotten from the Tree of Harmony. “It got me thinking, what if what’s locked inside is something that could help her prove her royal worth? I only bring it up because she said that she’s been feeling like her role as a princess doesn’t equate to much.”
“Wait a minute! How do you know how she was feeling?” demanded Pinkie.
“Oh my, is eavesdropping not the way you're supposed to find out what your best pals are up to?” said Discord.
“Common. Goddamned. Sense,” I said.
“And what do you know about friendship?” Discord countered.
“Quite a lot,” broke in Sunset, facing down Discord. “Valiant might be stubbon, and oblivious, and quite frankly a little bit of an asshole–his words–but he doesn’t stab ponies in the back. He does it in the front, if anything. It’s not a kind of friendship that would win awards, but it’s unshakable. If Valiant earns the trust of somepony, he never breaks it. What you see is what you get. You’re getting a damaged, sociopathic antihero, with secrets, deceit, and lack of pleasantries. But he has standards from which he refuses to budge.” Sunset pointed a hoof at Discord. “What the fuck do you have?”
It felt strange, having someone go to bat for me like that. I knew Sunset liked being around me, but I hadn’t realized that she’d worked through my faults and rationalized them quite so thoroughly. And she was right – I did have standards, damn it.
Discord raised his paws and took a step back from where Sunset was glaring at him. “O-kay, things just got a little too serious here. Hey, anypony want to see my alicorn princess impression?”
No one did, but he performed the act anyway.
“That’s disturbing,” Twilight said.
“Oh,” said Discord, waving a paw, “You’re just jealous, it’s the–”
“–Beastie Boys?” I said.
Discord blinked. “Really?” He shook his head. “Well in any case, I suppose now is as good a time as any for me to make my exit.” Discord left to go fight Tirek or something.
Applejack said, “Sometimes I think the reformed Discord is more annoying than before he was reformed.”
“Exactly what I was thinking,” I agreed. “You know, you’ve been getting in some really good lines lately.”
“Somepony has to,” she said. “I’ve been working on my skills to make myself more interesting and charismatic.”
Hmm, perhaps she too was thinking of replacing Twilight as team leader.
“Um, what if there is something important in that chest?” asked Fluttershy.
“There isn’t,” I said.
They all looked at me. Again. I sighed and rolled my eyes. “You could have just asked me. I thought I dropped enough hints.”
Just then, Spike distracted everyone by spitting out a letter. He opened it and his eyes nearly bugged out. “Ohmygosh, this sounds important! Twilight, you’re needed in Canterlot as soon as possible. It’s related to Tirek.”
“We’d better get going, then,” said Twilight. She shot me a look. “You’ll have to do your explaining later, Valiant. Now, I’m afraid I have to ask for a favor. If we have to get to Canterlot as quickly as possible, the train won’t do. You’ll need to fly us.”
I looked at the group of them. “I haven’t flown since I rode that space capsule into the lake.”
“But you’ve still got your crazy flying machine, right?” pressed Twilight. “Please, the fate of Equestria could be at stake here.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
We ran back to Ponyville. Passing the pub, I hammered on the door. “Guinness, get your bass and meet us at Trixie’s place!”
He stuck his head out the window. “Um, okay.”
The group of us continued down the street. Sir Win spotted us. “Hello. What’s the news?”
“We’re going to go do something badass,” I told him. “People will probably die. You should come.”
He grinned and nodded, joining the group. We arrived at Trixie’s place, where my favorite VTOL, Monstrosity had been in storage. Trixie responded to my knock on the front door, staring at the group that had followed me to her place.
“Hi,” I said. “Get your drums.”
We all pushed past her into the house. Guinness showed up with his instrument and Rainbow Catcher. Apparently it was his day to watch her. Trixie levitated her drum set out of a closet and followed us to the garage where the aircraft awaited.
Daring appeared from the bedroom. She looked a little rumpled, as if she had until recently been engaged in HLS. She blinked at the procession of everyone through the living room. She followed us to the garage and asked, “What’s going on?”
I turned to glance at her. “I’m getting the band back together.”
With a smooth motion, I swept the cover off Monstrosity. Even under the dim lights, the paint gleamed and the aircraft looked just as good as the last time I had flown.
And then Trixie, Guinness, and I launched into an awesome cover of Rock you like a Hurricane. It was pretty sweet.
“The letter said we have to be in Canterlot as soon as possible!” Twilight protested. I could barely hear her over my wailing keytar. I rolled my eyes and went into the finale.
With a last riff, I put my keytar away and said, “Okay, let’s go.”
After pushing Monstrosity outside we piled in. Trixie gave the standard flight attendant spiel to the passengers. “Keep your hooves inside the vehicle at all times and wear your seatbelt. Anything else is on you.”
I got into the cockpit. I had forgotten how good it felt to sit there. I touched the controls, refamiliarizing myself.
Sunset sat down beside me. She looked around for a moment and then belted herself in. I flipped the fuel pump switches, pleased to see that the tanks contained more than enough.
“About earlier,” said Sunset.
“That was a pretty badass speech you gave,” I said. Overly attached psycho aside, it felt good to know how much Sunset liked me, despite my acknowledged faults.
She flushed, although smiling at the complement. “Thanks. I…I wanted to express how much I appreciate you. Valiant, I need to say this. I lo–”
I pressed the starter button and the turbines began spinning up. “What?” I shouted over the sound. I pointed to the intercom earphones that I wore.
Trixie poked her head into the cockpit, wearing her own earphones. “What what?”
“In the butt?” I heard over the intercom circuit. It sounded like Pinkie.
That conversation was going nowhere, so I increased power and the aircraft lifted off. Sunset found a headset to put on, but stayed quiet, staring out the windshield.
We got to Canterlot quickly. Something was going on at the castle. There were guards everywhere. I decided to land near the train station instead, aiming for a flat place.
“Why are you landing on the rails?” Twilight asked over the intercom.
“Remember all the crazy shit we used to do with this old bird?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure Monstrosity could take on a train and win.”
No one disagreed. I landed and shut off the engines. Stepping out, I waited for the group to disembark. Twilight’s eyes suddenly went wide and she pointed over my shoulder. “Train!”
“Yeah, so what? I said it wouldn’t hurt the machine.”
“Behind you!” Trixie shouted.
Well, now that was concerning. I turned around and came face to face with locomotive that was probably moving at sixty miles an hour or more. While I wasn’t concerned about my flying machine, I had forgotten to take into account my body.
As far as last words go, I wish I would have had time for some. The train, however, was moving too fast and was already too close for me to utter more than, “Shit–”
Except for Sunset, who threw herself in front of the engine and wrestled it off the rails, flinging the string of cars onto their backs and out of the way. There was a huge steam explosion as the boiler burst.
“Oh my God,” I stammered. “Did you just suplex a train?”
Sunset swayed on her hooves, her horn still throwing off a few sparks of magic as remnants of the feat she had just performed. “Yes,” she gasped, meeting my eyes. “For you.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say. Fortunately, it seemed like it was exactly the right thing. Sunset smiled.
“Are we done with the ridiculous absurdity now?” Twilight asked. “We have to get to the castle.”
The group–the Element Bearers, Trixie, Daring, Sunset, Spike, Guinness, Rainbow Catcher, Sir Win, and I–headed to the castle. There, we met Celestia and Luna and learned what was so freaking important.
“Discord has betrayed the ponies of Equestria and joined forces with Tirek.”
I looked around. “Who’s surprised? Is anyone surprised?” I pointed at Twilight. “Are you surprised?”
She wrestled with her thoughts for a moment before shaking her head. I turned to Celestia. “And furthermore, why couldn’t you have just put that in the letter, instead of asking us to come all the way to Canterlot?”
“I did that,” said Shining Armor, stepping from behind a curtain. “I wanted Twily to be surprised by a big announcement I have to make. We’ve rescheduled the Equestria Games!”
“I think Tirek stealing all the magic in Equestria is a lot more important!” Twilight shouted at her brother.
He frowned. “What now?”
“Pretty much exactly that,” I said. “Bad guy going around stealing magic.”
Shining looked sharply at Luna and Celestia. “Nopony tells me anything! I have to hear it from him?”
“Yeah, you’re just Prince of the Crystal Empire, brother of Princess Twilight, husband of Princess Cadance, and Captain of the Royal Guard,” I said. “No big deal.”
Celestia looked at me in annoyance. “Please wait your turn to speak.” She turned to Shining. “We didn’t tell you because Tirek isn’t focusing on the Crystal Empire.”
“Makes sense,” I said. “No magic there to steal from ponies.”
“What are you talking about?” Shining demanded.
“Tirek steals magic and the pony he takes it from loses their cutie mark, right? When was the last time you saw a crystal pony with a cutie mark?”
“They have them,” Shining protested. “They’re just hard to see with the crystal coloring.”
“Okay, then when was the last time you saw a crystal pony with a cutie mark that meant something? Have you ever met a crystal pony with a specialized job dependent on their cutie mark? Heck, have you ever met a crystal pony and actually remembered their cutie mark or even learned their name? Furthermore, wouldn’t an empire of meth zombies be an easy place to steal from? Face it, Tirek is probably already done with the Crystal Empire. Maybe that’s how he got powerful enough to move on to the rest of Equestria.”
Ignoring me, Celestia said, “Tirek has stolen so much magic. Without pegasus weather magic, there will be no rain in Equestria. Without earth pony magic, there will be no crops. There is no doubt that Tirek is after alicorn magic. With Discord by his side, we will not be able to stop him from taking it.”
Twilight approached the other two Princesses. “What can we do?”
“We must rid ourselves of our magic before Tirek has the chance to steal it from us,” Celestia told her.
Twilight hesitantly agreed. “I’m more than willing to do my part and give up my magic.”
“You misunderstand,” said Luna. “Our magic cannot just disappear into thin air. Somepony must keep it safe. That is you.”
Celestia explained that Tirek probably didn’t know how many alicorns there were in Equestria these days. Cadance had grown up and Twilight had only recently been created. “If we transfer our magic to you, Tirek will not know where it has gone.”
“Or, you know, give it to Cadance, because Tirek wouldn’t think to look in the Crystal Empire where he’s already been,” I suggested.
“Quiet, Valiant,” said Celestia. “This is about magic.” She turned back to Twilight. “Do you understand what we’re asking of you?”
Twilight nodded. “Yes, it’s just... I'm only now learning how to control my own alicorn magic. To take on even more…”
“Twilight, you represent the Element of Magic,” Celestia assured her. “If there is anypony who can do this, it’s you.”
Twilight reluctantly nodded. “Taking on this task will be one of the most difficult things I’ll ever do, but with the help of my friends–”
“No, that’s stupid.”
“Valiant, shut up.”
“Am I the only one who thinks that we should solve the problem of Tirek and Discord – permanently? I’ve done things like this before. Just murder ‘em.”
There was an uncomfortable silence. Celestia said, “I wish you wouldn’t call it that.”
“Okay, I can call it problem solving if you want,” I said. “Makes no difference to me.”
There was a subtle shift in the mood of the room. Twilight glanced at me and then at the other two Princesses who appeared to be deep in thought. “Are we seriously considering this?”
Shining burst out, “You want to let another dangerous nut job help us? What if he does the same thing as Discord and works for Tirek?”
I stared at him. “You should know that I don’t work for anyone but me. Now, maybe I’d let Tirek be my bitch.”
“Um, hey guys?” Guinness interrupted, looking out the window. “What does Tirek look like?”
“Tirek is a centaur,” Celestia answered.
“I don’t want to jump to any conclusions or anything, but that might be him coming this way,” said Guinness.
I grinned. “Duty calls.”
I ran out of the castle, pausing on the edge of the mountain to watch Tirek work his way through Canterlot. He was sucking a whole lot of magic up and appeared to be getting bigger. He was kind of ugly and stuff, being black and red and with horns coming out of his head. I noticed that the fur patterns on his abdomen formed an arrow that pointed at his crotch.
Well, the space between his front legs. On a human it would have been the crotch. On a centaur, hell if I knew. As I decided that I didn’t want to think about it anymore, the rest of the group arrived.
“Oh my,” Rarity muttered, staring at Tirek. Being a pony, she had rarely seen arms before, but I could tell that she was definitely attracted to muscle.
Rainbow Catcher stared with glee at the destruction Tirek was rending on the city. “This is beautiful! I must go join Tirek. With our powers combined, we will be unstoppable!”
She hopped from the cliff and spread her wings, gliding down into the city below. Rainbow jumped after her. “Come back!” Guinness went after Rainbow.
“We’ve got to save them before Tirek gets them!” shouted Twilight. Spike hopped on her back and buckled up with her magic alicorn seatbelts. Twilight and the other Princesses charged their horns and teleported us all to the city center, where Catcher had landed.
Some of the buildings had been reduced to rubble as Tirek crashed through. Catcher danced among the flames, laughing madly.
Rainbow pulled up short, staring with wide eyes at her foal.
Helpfully, Sir Win said, “Your baby’s fireproof.”
“How…that’s not normal,” Rainbow said.
Just then, a demagicked pony stumbled by. Spotting the easy target, Catcher lunged for the throat, getting her fangs to dig in.
Rainbow gasped again, looking on in horror. Fortunately, Guinness had grown used to this demon shit, and wasn’t fazed. He walked forward. “Young lady, what do you think you’re doing!”
Catcher froze. Guinness stared her down. “Get that pony out of your mouth. You may not go to join Lord Tirek. You’re grounded.”
Spitting out the jugular she was chewing on, Catcher protested, “But dad…!”
Guinness wouldn’t hear it. He made Catcher sit down on her rump and stay quiet.
“Dude, I think you just saved the world,” I said to Guinness. “Joining Tirek would have been bad, but we also need her to perform the devilish unholy demon sacrifice ritual.”
“The what now?” Guinness asked.
“The what now?” Rainbow echoed, glancing at her kid. “What just happened?”
“What your husband and I have been telling you since she was born,” I explained. “You gave birth to the antichrist, Rainbow Dash. That would be a totally awesome title for a book, by the way. You’re writing a novel, right?”
“I’ll use it,” said Daring.
Rainbow took another look at her foal, blood still dripping from the filly’s lips.
“Okay, I don’t know what just happened,” said Twilight, “but we need to get out of here before Tirek notices us.”
“A wise idea,” Celestia agreed.
“To the train station,” I said. I’d apparently assumed command by this point or everyone else was too frazzled to think for themselves. At my word, the alicorns teleported us there.
Everyone loaded up onto Monstrosity and I started the engines turning. Tirek spotted us and came charging in our direction. I got us airborne just in time and he missed. From the back, I heard Trixie firing her M60. The bullets bounced off a magic shield Tirek had created.
Roaring, Tirek fired a blast of magic that appeared to come from just above his head. Not from his horns, just slightly above his hair. I had to roll the aircraft to avoid, but was out of sight before he could fire another blast.
The city was partially on fire and I could see ponies stumbling around in zombielike states. It made me feel like I was retreating after a lost battle.
I gritted my teeth. We needed to regroup and form a better attack. I hated to admit it, but we couldn’t fight Tirek now. But we could come back and win. There was a reason I’d made so many preparations.
“Where are we going?” Celestia asked.
“Hoofsen Bay,” I replied. “We’ll regroup and counterattack from there.”
“Are you sure you have the situation in hand?” she asked.
“You have no idea.” We might be on the losing end at the moment, but what I had planned was epic. “This is going to blow your mind.”
Milwaukee was easy to spot from the air, and I brought us in for a perfect landing on the aft deck. Shutting down the engines, we disembarked.
“Okay, gather around,” I said. “Listen up. Tirek feeds on magic, correct? We can’t just fire spells at him, then. We’re going to have to do kinetic attacks.” I grinned. “My specialty.”
“Also, we have this nice ship here. A pair of thirty millimeter chain guns, a fifty-seven millimeter autocannon, point defense missiles, torpedoes, and a bunch of fifty-cals I found in the armory.”
“And there’s our favorite ninja, Sweetie Belle,” I added, gesturing to a small pony in a long trench coat who was fishing nearby.
“Oh, thanks!” shouted Sweetie, throwing her coat off. “Just go ahead and blow my cover again!”
“Sorry, but this is important,” I said. “We’re saving Equestria.”
“Okay.” Sweetie shrugged and came over to join the group. She shared a quick hug with Rarity.
“But we’ll need more.” I turned to Rainbow. “As much as I hate you, you do have the redeeming qualities of being somewhat dangerous. How ‘bout we kick that up a notch?”
Gesturing to the alicorns, I said, “Turn Rainbow into a dragon.”
There was a collective “Huh?” from the group.
“Come on, it’ll be useful. Plus, she wants it.”
“I, um, I guess,” said Rainbow. She looked like she needed something to distract herself from the Catcher issue.
After a quick trading of glances, Twilight, Celestia, and Luna consented. With a flash of magic, they turned Rainbow into a dragon.
Her coloring looked weird on scales. She was pretty big, had bigger wings, and could shoot fireballs, so the end result was at least effective.
“I’ve got to try this out!” exclaimed Rainbow, instantly shifting moods. She leaped into the air, spreading her wings. Guinness looked a little dumbfounded.
“Joke’s on her. Now she can’t be in the Wonderbolts,” I said. “Okay, now it’s time for another power up. Let’s set up the devilish unholy demon sacrifice ritual.”
“Oh goody,” said Sir Win. He quickly began drawing out the runes and symbols necessary on the flight deck.
“Um, who are you sacrificing?” asked Fluttershy as Sir Win finished drawing.
“Rainbow Catcher,” I said.
“Ohhh, a devilish unholy demon sacrifice ritual,” cheered Pinkie.
“Wait, what?” said Guinness and Rainbow Catcher at the same time.
“You’ve got a problem and I’m offering a solution that will benefit everyone – you, me, all of Equestria,” I said to him.
“But she’s still my kid,” Guinness protested with alarm.
“If it’s any consolation, I’ll punch you in the gut so Rainbow thinks you went down fighting to protect her.”
He put a hoof out and shoved me. “I can’t allow this!”
I punched him in the gut. He made an entertaining little squeak as he fell, breathless. “Look, I’ll get you a new kid or something, okay? This has got to happen.” I hesitated, and added, “Sorry.”
By the time I was finished with him, Rainbow Catcher was stretched in the middle of a circle Sir Win had drawn. The magic charging the enchantment held her there securely.
“Well this is ironic,” she observed. “A demon sacrifice.”
I pulled out my switchblade and opened the blade with a snick. A chorus of voices from the assembled ponies protested vehemently.
I looked at them all. “You all saw what she did. Do you agree that this kid is a demon?”
That shut them up, but only for a moment. Twilight said, “Valiant, you can’t just murder a child!”
“She’s not a child, she only looks like one. He, pardon me. The demon only looks like a filly but is really an old dude. Creepy. Plus, he’s died before and come back in other bodies.”
Rainbow Catcher shrugged. “Yeah, okay, I admit it.”
“But how could this possibly help Equestria?” Twilight demanded. She stepped closer.
“I was just about to show you.” I turned, and before anyone could try to stop me, plunged the knife into Rainbow Catcher’s chest. A black, blood-like substance spurted out of the wound and spread across the deck. Several shrieks behind me seemed to indicate that the others saw it, too.
The figures drawn on the deck lit up with a powerful glow. I felt my hooves shift and an invisible force jerked me a few feet into the air. My body rotated slowly, outside my control. The light was getting brighter and I could barely see, even through squinted eyes. I did, however, see Twilight nearby. She’d also been caught in the spell. She did not seem calm.
With a sudden blast that made me thank my lucky stars that the ship was EMP protected, the arcane spell we’d set in motion ran its course. I fell back to the deck, scraping my knees on the nonskid coating. Rainbow Catcher’s body had burned to mere ash, and the ritual runes had seared into the deck.
I shook my head, slightly dizzy. It took a little effort to get up and I wasn’t very stable. I turned to look at everyone else. They were all staring at me with wide eyes and unrefined astonishment.
I coughed. “So I guess it worked, then.”
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Aww. I liked Rainbow Catcher.
4549413 He'll be back. He'll probably just pop back into hell for a spot of tea, and come back in ten or eleven months as Valiant's and Sunset's kid.
I give it about a month or two before Sunset forcibly takes Valiant against his will in a desperate attempt to get him to love her.
4549413
4549480 When he first introduced Rainbow Catcher, was I the only one who remembered Demon SweetieBelle from Rainbow dash presents?
Doesn't everyone?
4549413
I created Rainbow Catcher and I'm still cackling like a madman over the stuff that happens to
himher in this chapter. TNAB has taken Rainbow Cather far beyond my wildest dreams and I am immensely pleased with the results.4549643
I hope not! In Rainbow Dreams, Rainbow Catcher lists off a number of the names
he'sshe's gone by:In The Mentally Advanced Series, "Taz" is the name Twilight Sparkle gives to the demonic presence that she manages to capture in her library. Taz (Thrakerzod) escapes and possesses Sweetie Belle. Rainbow Dash Presents is a spinoff of TMAS, and uses the same characters, including Thrackerzod!Sweetie.
While The King in Yellow is a reference to Cthulhu mythos, I suppose it's fair to mention that the name popped up in one of FiMFlamFilosophy's TMAS shorts ("Alicorn Day"), which is what put it on my mind while writing Rainbow Dreams. Twilight threatens a bookstore owner, saying she'll summon The King in Yellow "into your left ear" if he doesn't keep the bookstore open.
He Who Walks Alongside is patterned after the Walkers from the Dresden Files. There are supposed to be three extremely powerful Outsiders known as the Walkers. Harry has met two of them: He Who Walks Behind, and He Who Walks Before (or, as Harry calls him, "sharkface"). Naturally, the unnamed third Walker will walk beside you.
The other names are my own creations.
Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that Valiant just became an Alicorn?
I want to see Valiant kick Tireks ass
this had much LOLs in it
4549480 Isn't sunset his adopted daughter?
4550714 No that's Trixie. Sunset is the one that's obviously obsessively in love with him.
4550714 Nope, Trixie is.
4550782 oh, right. got the two confused. Blargh!
Damn you, you, unrepentant troll! You had me going for a good half a second there. I assure you, I shall not fall for your tricks again.
As for this story... you've combined countless self-insert and fanfiction cliches - but where this should be approaching the event horizon of terribad writing from which there is no return, it unnaturally warps to a state of being totally metal. Valiant and Shimmer are awesome.
I know not what unholy sorceries were invoked in the creation of this work, and I do not wish to know - there are still things on this earth which I am glad to be ignorant of.
Looking forward to the next chapter - V.H.
A description of this story in one sentence:
4550714 Ew, no. Trixie is IIRC
4559188 And I got ninja'd weeks ago. This is why I shouldn't comment on things at 3 am.
4559188 Yeah someone, already told me. I keep getting the two confused! Maybe it's because they're both crazy jealous pony wizards run amok.
How I picture new Trixie:
http://youtu.be/sPW9ki-IfZ8?t=21m53s
Sound effects and all.
4550015 I think he became a DEMONIC Alicorn
4588990 You realize that comment was from well over a year ago, and my question was already answered by now, so you just contributed nothing.
4589012 What ken said. I watched the S4 finale[and loved it], but that's a comment from literally a YEAR ago[over ear if you wanna be picky]
4602605
Why the hell are you replying to comments from about half a year ago?
Let me guess. He turned himself into a human again, didn't he.
Either that or an alicorn. Wait. A while back a guy said that since Valiant is a god-mod, he could probably turn himself into an alicorn. All you responded with was a trollestia. That means I am going with alicorn.
4590766 I WAS TALKING TO YOUR PAST SELF. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU MADE THAT COMMENT.
4611487 because I can.
Also, I don't care.
4589818 meh. Time travel messes with ya.
4615080
So you're not only obnoxious and unwanted, you're a douchebag. Good to know there's no point talking to you.
4616398 I don't even want you to talk to me. And I prefer the term Valiant-esque. Also, I am wanted, but wish I wasn't, so that is why I act like this(only,only online do I do so. In real life I am a pushover who never talks back). So I use this time to "bounce back" so to speak.
4589818
4590766
4611487
Wow, guys thanks. I have never seen anyone else be yelled at for commenting on older comments. Yet you three pick on me. Why?
Aww man! I thought that Valiant will turn into this!
maps4heroes.com/heroes5/pictures/tribes_of_the_east/alternate_upgrades/toe_inferno_Pit_Spawn.jpg
Or this:maps4heroes.com/heroes5/pictures/inferno/HOMM5_Inferno_Devil.jpg
Just google: HOMM5 inferno units, about 80% of all em look cool!
The Milwaukee isn't a boat, she's a ship! Show her the proper respect!