The Crystal Empire - part 1
Author note:
Want to catch up on stuff Valiant did between seasons 2 and 3? Check out Stuff Valiant Did Between Seasons 2 and 3. You don’t have to read it, but hey, why not more Valiant?
And without further ado, welcome to another season of A Dream.
I got your crack right here.
The sidewalk had no idea of the awesomeness that was happening on top of it. I swaggered a little as I walked, moving to the beat of Stayin’ Alive in my head. I’m usually not much for disco, but made an exception this time. It was that kind of day.
After obtaining enough gold to finally get Valiantco™ Industries off the ground, business had actually sort of taken off. Ponies wanted this petroleum stuff, not to mention a few of the other products.
The gold had come from an around-the-world sailing trip I had taken with the Elements of Harmony and Spike. The eight of us had done all the proper pirate things, including finding long-lost treasure.
At any rate, my cut of the money helped my financial situation a lot. Heck, it created my financial situation. Twilight had been happy to see me get off her couch and move to Las Pegasus. I had taken out a mortgage on an old building in Ponyville formerly used by a clockwork company that I had once suspected of building terminator robots that looked like Twilight. When the company had folded mysteriously, I had also gotten a hold of their new location in Las Pegasus.
I had been suspicious of Hoofnmouth Industries for a long time. When their future selves could have possibly built a time-traveling robot, anyone would have been apprehensive of them. A thought occurred to me, however. Perhaps now that I owned their building, I myself would eventually build said robot. Maybe I would send it back in time to troll myself. Sounded like something I would do.
But in the meantime, I was living large and not being discrete about it. I hadn’t forgotten my little friends, though. I had projects running back in Ponyville.
I knew that oil wouldn’t last forever, and had already begun work on its replacement. I might as well be the first in line, right? That was where the Ponyville Industrial Nuclear Powerplant came in. The PINP, as I liked to call it, was not yet in working condition and probably would not be for quite a while.
I once built this atom bomb, see, but it’s not that easy or quick to convert all that weapons-grade uranium into something less volatile.
It was lucky that Equestria had no nuclear inspectors or I would be in trouble. That’s what happens when you design a nuclear power plant without any knowledge of the subject and embed explosives in the walls just in case. If there were inspectors, I could just PINP-slap them with a Big Bag O’ Bribe Bits (BBOBB-acronym patent pending).
Such wealth and privilege did not come without burdens, however. Ponies were always asking me for donations and stuff. Hey, I earned this fair and square. Perhaps not honestly, but definitely fair and square. Also, it was a lot of work that sometimes put me in more than just a lot of danger.
Speaking of danger, a few bandits had actually tried to make off with me a couple of times. Not the same bandits of course, I killed the first couple in legitimate self-defense, but for some reason kidnappers just kept coming.
I was beginning to suspect some kind of conspiracy.
But, all the way back to me walking on the sidewalk to the tune of an old disco song, a kidnapping attempt hadn’t happened yet today, so I was in a good mood. I stopped by my postbox and picked up the mail before heading inside.
The building was once an industrial facility and was still fairly new. Basically take a large building with a few very large rooms that have high ceilings. Give yourself a big salary. You’ll have to imagine what you would do with it, but I didn’t have to. It was awesome.
I had all the garage space I could want for my various vehicles, as well as all the stuff I had wanted on Earth but was too poor to afford.
That reminded me, what was I currently doing on Earth? Probably still in the hospital. It had been a while since I’d last “woken up” from Equestria. Considering that I’d been in the middle of a binge drinking detox, yeah, the hospital seemed likely. Best place for me if they thought I’d gone into a coma by not responding for so long.
It raised a few questions about the trans-dimensional ramifications of my condition and what I would ultimately choose if I had to. Sure, Equestria wasn’t home, but I was rich here.
I sorted the mail as I walked past my VTOL aircraft, various robots, a dune buggy, a train that sat on rubber tires, and a crude replica of a NASCAR-spec racer. That last one was an attempt to cash in on the untapped sports market of Equestria. I figured that if the Apple family were all rednecks, surely there had to be more of them.
A pink envelope in the pile of mail made me stop in my tracks. It looked so different from the usual junk and bills that I wondered what it could possibly be. The return address was from Ponyville.
I opened it and gasped in surprise. Pinkie and Fluttershy were getting married. I didn’t think things would progress this far. I knew Pinkie was a lesbian, but when Fluttershy had been too timid to turn her down on a date, I thought it was funny. I thought Fluttershy would eventually grow a pair metaphorically and tell Pinkie she wasn’t into mares, or perhaps grow a pair physically and make Pinkie not interested in her. Evidentally, neither of those had happened. To be fair, I wasn’t really betting on the second one. This wasn’t Universe 63, after all. Ugh, I hate that place. I’d had to go there recently when we were kicking eight-legged Trixie’s ass. I wish that statement made more inherent sense, but the facts are: Trixie sprouted some additional legs, we sent her to the moon to chill, end of story.
Well, I had nothing better to do this weekend than go to the wedding. I was slightly surprised that I had been invited, but that was Pinkie for you. I figured I should probably go to Rarity and get a tuxedo made of the finest, most expensive materials. I shook the bag of money I carried, listening happily to the jingling bits inside. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Curious, I went to see who it might be. Hopefully not kidnappers.
I opened the door to reveal two unicorns, one a stallion, the other a mare. They were both a pale taupe color with dark grey manes that seemed to be rather spiky as if hair gel had been applied, or perhaps they’d gone to a stylist who typically cut hair for anime characters.
Their eyes were a yellow-green Mountain Dew color. The stallion looked bored. The mare looked annoyed. Aside from their facial expressions and gender differences, they looked pretty much exactly alike.
I opened my mouth. The stallion said, “Yes, we’re twins.”
“You must get that a lot,” I said.
“You have no idea,” answered the mare.
“Well, then, what can I do for you? Perhaps you’re interested in some nice oil.” I gestured to the Valiantco™ logo over the door.
“We’re just here because we were paid to be,” said the stallion.
His sister added, “You’re going to be seeing a lot of us, Valiant.”
I rolled my eyes. “Look, if you’re going to try to kidnap me, just get it over with, okay? I’ve got stuff to do.”
In unison, the two of them turned and indicated a small pile of what appeared to be griffons by the street. None of them were moving.
“I can’t understand why an idiot like you would be a target,” said the mare.
The stallion shrugged. “Regardless, they’re dead now.”
“Gee, really? Thanks! I don’t think I’ve ever been targeted by griffons before.” I frowned. “But if I was the target, then how are you going to justify self-defense?”
The mare gave me an “Are you serious?” look. Apparently she didn’t care what law enforcement might think. Her brother said, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay. One less thing to worry about.” There were a few seconds of silence as we stared at each other. The two of them may have been even more alike than I had originally thought. They blinked in unison. That was somehow very creepy.
“So…are we just going to stand here all day or are you going to actually tell me what you want?” I asked.
“We can do either,” responded the stallion. The two of them kept staring at me.
“How about we talk?” I suggested. “What’re your names?”
“Beauty,” she said.
“Blackwood,” he said.
I supposed that fit. Her cutie mark was a manicure file, well I guess in Equestria it would be called a hooficure file. His was a wood chisel.
I began to laugh. A slight trace of annoyance crossed Blackwood’s face. Beauty showed more than a trace. It took a little while, but I eventually calmed down. I looked at the two of them. “What, isn’t anyone going to ask what’s so funny?”
The said nothing. I sighed. “Well you see, back home we had this story about a horse called Black Beauty. It just kind of reminded me of you two in a roundabout way. Beauty, Blackwood. Black Beauty, Woody. Can I call you Woody?”
Still nothing. I shrugged and slammed the door in their faces. I had things to do, and the creepy Black Twins had proven themselves unworthy of entertaining me.
I headed down to the garage and got into my flying contraption. It was called Monstrosity, and it kind of was. Still, she was a tough old bird and I felt safe when strapped in.
Inside the cockpit with me was an actual tough old bird—my pet falcon, Admiral. He’d advanced in rank from Captain. He wasn’t much of a copilot, but I sure looked like a badass when I carried him around on my shoulder.
I rolled the VTOL aircraft out of the garage and started the engines. I could see the Black Twins watching me from a distance. They seemed disinterested, but watchful. That was strange. Not many ponies were disinterested in a flying monstrosity.
I took off for Ponyville. It was faster than riding the train and I got there in a reasonable amount of time. After making a low circle over the PINP facility to check on it and make sure the explosives in the walls hadn’t for some reason detonated, I continued on towards the center of town.
To my displeasure, they’d replaced the area I used to use for landing with a flowerbed. That was all right, I didn’t like flowers.
It must have been Twilight’s gardening, because she was not pleased about me landing there. I wondered what she would threaten me with now that she could no longer evict me from her couch.
Luckily, we never got to that point because I waved the wedding invitation in front of her face and she immediately brightened up. Seems we both would prefer to talk about two mares getting married.
While I had long believed in the existence of lesbian mind tricks (Seriously, how is Ellen Degeneres so successful? Normal women aren’t supposed to be that funny.), Pinkie hadn’t been able to convince Mr. and Mrs. Cake to let her stay as their employee. It was probably due to the fact that they were crushingly homophobic, and that Pinkie had decided to come out by throwing a big-gay party in their shop. Or perhaps it was a big gay-party. I don’t know. I didn’t go to it.
Either way, Pinkie was no longer employed at Sugarcube Corner. She’d gone to work with the other party company in town, Sir Win’s Hellish Beverage Brewing and Infernal Event Planning Service. Sir Winifred Condemnation Inferno—Sir Win for short—was a demon that had come to live in Ponyville. He was rather pale and had a fiery mane and tail. He was also into stallions and rather flamboyant about it, which I guess made him flaming and on fire. I really should get around to writing some new jokes about him.
Sir Win had come to Ponyville because myself and a few “friends” had broken Hell. Not broken out, just broken it. The portal to the underworld was over at Twilight’s library in sort of a basement inside a basement. Baseception.
I walked in the direction of Sir Win’s building. He wasn’t a bad guy, once you got to know him. I found Fluttershy outside. She brightened more at the sight of Admiral Falcon than at me.
“So how’s the wedding planning going?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m just so nervous. Can you keep a secret? I just can’t tell Pinkie that I’m not attracted to her and don’t actually want to go through with this.”
“How do you deal with sex?”
Fluttershy went bright red. “I…I really don’t have the courage to say no to that.”
“Gross.” I tapped on the door. Pinkie opened it. Her frizzy mane was done up in two points like devil horns.
As I watched, she re-fluffed it. “Sorry, the concentrated evil in here sometimes does that. Come in.”
“Helloooo!” called Sir Win as I came through the door. He offered me some spicy candy, which I declined.
“Everything is going well,” he said. “This is likely to be a wedding that will be talked about for years to come.”
“I believe you.” I looked at some jars on the shelf. They were labeled with things like fire and brimstone. The whole place was about as stereotypically comic-evil as you could get.
Sir Win was just about to tell me more when the door opened and Spike came in, out of breath. “Twilight just got a letter from the Princess! She’s going nuts!”
I shrugged. “Duty calls.” All of us followed Spike over to the library, arriving at about the same time as Twilight’s other friends. The purple unicorn was babbling about some kind of test and generally “going nuts” as Spike had said.
I refused to fly her to Canterlot because that would have meant listening to her the whole way. Instead, we took the train. I booked a private car all by myself to get away from her.
At Canterlot, Twilight disappeared to the castle for a while. She met us back at the train station.
“Didja pass?” asked Applejack.
“Not quite,” said Twilight. “We’re going to the Crystal Empire.”
There was a general chorus of “Huh?”
Sir Win said, “Oh, that place is fabulous! I haven’t seen it for, gosh, it must be about a thousand years now.”
Twilight regarded him for a moment. “I suppose you’ll be a valuable resource for this expedition. Not to mention, you can keep us warm in the frozen north.”
Sir Win chuckled a little and cracked a few sex jokes. Twilight had been referring to him being a great portable source of heat, not anything else. Our sheltered librarian hadn’t really figured out double entendres yet.
“Well, let’s get going!” said Pinkie. “I hope we can get this done before the wedding!” She grabbed Fluttershy around the neck and mashed their faces together. I think it was a kiss.
“We’ll be meeting my brother and his wife there,” said Twilight. “If you’d like, they can marry you two. After what happened with their own wedding, they’ve become super-ordained.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
Twilight glared at me. “Just what it sounds like. Now nothing, not even you, should be able to break them apart. If some unforseen circumstance does come up, they are authorized to remarry themselves, just in case.”
“About time,” I said. “For being the pony of love, Cadance sure didn’t have a very strong relationship with Shining Armor and let Queen Chrysalis sneak in.”
“For the last time, that’s just what Changelings do,” argued Twilight. “They’re very good at it.”
“And love is just what Cadance does,” I pointed out. “It’s her special talent. She should be very good at it. And cut it out with the ‘for the last time’ business. It’s never the last time.”
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “We should get going.”
“You guys go ahead,” I said. “Give me a map or something and I’ll catch up later. I have some business in Canterlot.”
I left the train station and walked towards the center of town. The Black Twins were waiting for me.
“We thought you should know that you’re being followed,” said Woody.
“You aren’t very good at it,” I said. “I’ve noticed both of you a couple of times today. Speaking of, how did you get here from Las Pegasus so quickly?”
Completely ignoring my question, Beauty said, “If we were stalking you, we would stay hidden. We’re talking about that pony over there.”
I swung my eyes in the direction she indicated. After figuring out who they were talking about, I looked back at the pair of them. “I need a favor.”
“No.” Both of them spoke at the same time.
“Come on, I’ll pay you.”
“We don’t need the money,” said Woody.
“You don’t have enough anyway,” added Beauty.
“Are you sure about that?” I asked. “I once made a huge withdraw from the bank just so I could do like Scrooge McDuck and go for a swim.”
“You don’t have that much,” said Woody, matter-of-factly. I frowned. While I had been lying about Scrooge McDucking it, I wondered how he knew exactly how much was in my bank account.
“Well anyway,” I said, glancing at the pony they had pointed out to me. “Since you won’t do me a favor, I’ll just have to handle this myself. Stick around, it’ll be interesting.”
The two of them glanced at each other. Neither one spoke, but I somehow got the feeling that a mutual decision had been made. They turned simultaneously and walked away.
I shrugged. Whatever. Their loss. I started down the street, already planning how I was going to handle the situation.
Just then, shit got real.
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Freaking brilliant.
Awaiting further releases.
Wait... Do you mean to say that shit wasn't real before that last line?
I can't help but giggle a little at the line shit got real being used in a story called A Dream.
congrats on being featured again, you gormless tosser.
1587981 It's not my fault that this story is so popular! It just gets featured whether I like it or not.
You pansy wanker.
I laughed.
I am so disappointed in myself.
Shit got real?
Shit got real?!?
Well then....
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hehe
1588057
Bog off, you tosspot.
I think BBOBB would be an initialism, not an acronym.
I think it's funny that you brought up the whole homophobic thing
With pinkie and fluttershy. Last time I checked the news same sex marriage was legalized down here in Maryland.
You mad cake family?
Is it fair to assume that not that many people have read this because they think it has spoilers? 'Cause that'd be hilarious.
1588471 Oi, go tiff yourself on a bonnet, you bloody wrinkle-flapper!
This may or may not be my favorite story on this site.
1589428
Go lie on some tracks you bloody plonker!
1589525 Go pinch your own toppet, you reedy, fobbing rapscallion!
Picture this!
1589739
Now you've done it mate. I challenge you to fisticuffs! HAVE AT YOU!
1589788 *Mac and Lucca use Fire Sword!
It dealt 358 damage!
Meh... I don't really find this story funny anymore. Not even chuckleworthy.
I'm not even trolling and I can foresee the future dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
LET THE HATE BEGIN!!!
1590160 Well, we had a good run. What should I do to improve?
1590253
I don't know man... It was so funny and then the first story finished and it became irrelevant/relevant sequel after the other and it went from LAOWL! to ok that was kinda witty I guess... I guess its just me but other people seem to find hilarity in it so who am I to complain dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
oh no's!!!
I guess that explains why Valiant wasn't around in Weakness of the Flesh. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cheerilee.png
But it means he should have been in Luck of the Draw! //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
1589837
*Mr. foster uses winchester rifle!*
Critical hit! It does 452 damage!
1592237 Frog uses Heal! Health +287! Lucca uses Mid-Potion! Health + 200
Mac uses Cyclone! Critical hit! 402 damage!
1592399
Mr. Foster uses med-syringe! Health +160!
Mr. Foster bought the m32 grenade launcher from the trader!
Mr. Foster is loading m32 grenade launcher!
1592492 Lucca used Protect! Defense is raised by 40% Frog and Mac use Lightning Rod! 793 damage!
1592644
Mr. Foster called in allies! DJ Skully and Reverend Alberts have joined the fray!
Mr. Foster used m32 grenade launcher! 1002 damage to Lucca and Mac!
Skully used med syringe on Mr. Foster! +139 HP!
Reverend Alberts bought a Hunting Shotgun from the trader!
1592749 (I still don't know what game you're using.
)
Lucca steps down. Marle joins the fight! Marle cannot attack this turn. Frog and Mac use Spire! All enemies take 973 damage! Foster is paralyzed!
1592880 Killing Floor
Mr. Foster is stunned and cannot help this round!
Skully uses med syringe on Mr. Foster! +178 HP!
Reverend Alberts uses Hunting Shotgun! Frog and Mac take 554 damage!
Mr. Foster will be able to fight next round!
1593104 Frog and Marle use Double Cure! +1097 health! Mac uses a Mid-Ether to gain +30 MP!
I've been playing Chrono Trigger.
1593125
DJ Skully uses specialist grenades! +304 health to DJ Skully's party! +600 damage to Mac's party!
Mr. Foster is loading his m32 grenade launcher!
Reverend Alberts bought a chainsaw from the trader!
1593170 Mac and Marle use Ice Sword 2! Mr. Foster loses 629 health! DJ Skully loses 625 health! Reverend Alberts is out of range! Dr Skully is confused, and may attack allies (35% chance, for 5 turns)! Frog uses Water 2! DJ Skully loses 378 health! Critical hit! Reverend Alberts loses 446 health! Critical hit! Mr. Foster loses 456 health!
1593216 why are we doing this?
Mr. Foster has died!
DJ Skully picks up Mr. Foster's grenade launcher!
DJ skully uses M32 grenade launcher! Frog loses 575 health! Mac loses 735 health! Marle loses 565 health!
Reverend Alberts uses chainsaw! Frog loses 450 health +124 bleed damage over 2 turns!
DJ skully bought grenade launcher ammo from the trader!
1593282 Frog has collapsed! Lucca joins the fight! Mac and Marle use Aura Whirl! + 375 health to Mac! + 358 health to Marle!
I dunno. You challenged me to fisticuffs. I don't like using my fists all that much, though, so I chose to instead use Chrono Trigger.
1593330
Suddenly, ninjas! 9001 damage to no combatants.
1588120 media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6ix33vlRh1r4josm.gif t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTN_bGEbkGvl6brMsCBT8FkSSrW5ARo2TZbRAsR_j2CJickNvIi0dzRbbQ- t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQcNBQXn0u2pAlmfKv-8t4_mBWTIWFdXVi4zgpIdSGDoPNDUcQeIOKXTIJk 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That last one didn't work
I love and hate this story.
Sir. win is now my favorite character, besides the obvious, valiant.
3451091 I know what you mean.
3679170 For real!!!
1593637 IT'S OVER 9000!!!!
Also, TNaB, you must use this line.
So did Sir Win just get introduced in this chapter or was he introduced in another story?
9664418
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/28012/science-steam-and-beer
Also,
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/57660/sir-wins-hellish-beverage-brewing-and-infernal-event-planning-service
Lol, only evil people kill innocent flowers. It's a trope, after all.