A Canterlot Wedding - part 2
Before we begin, I'd like to thank those who helped, both here and in the rest of the story.
It's a little sad that A Dream is going on hiatus and I'll have to go back to writing my own material instead of just copying the show. Oh well. Have fun with this chapter, everyone. I know I did.
“Hey Doc! I need some help!”
Doctor Whooves glanced up from his meal at the café. “Can it wait until I’m finished?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I said so. What do you know about giant robots?”
He shrugged. “Destroying or piloting?”
"What's that mean?" I asked suspiciously.
"Uh, nothing."
“Good enough. Come on.” We went over to the library where the rest of the team was assembled.
Cheerilee appeared blocked my path. “Valiant, what are you doing with those fillies?” She indicated the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“They’re going to be traveling to Canterlot with me to help defeat an evil Princess who for some reason wants to marry Twilight Sparkle’s brother.”
“I don’t think that’s in their best interests.”
“It’s not a school day. Shove off, titch.” I grinned. “Do you like what I did there? It’s a portmanteau of teacher and bitch.” I tried to push past her, but she surprised me with a hoof to the face so fast I never saw it coming.
“Nopony puts my students in danger!” she shrieked.
I picked myself up, hoping my jaw wasn’t broken. “Aside from all those other times that I did?”
She advanced on me angrily, but the Crusaders stopped her.
“But Ms. Cheerilee, we want to do this!” protested Apple Bloom.
“Canterlot isn’t going to save itself,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Well, it might,” said Scootaloo. The other two gave her a look. “But we should totally go make sure!” she added. “You can chaperone!”
Cheerilee’s eyes cut back and forth, considering her options.
“We haven’t got all day,” I said. “You can either be a boring school teacher or you can be a badass in a combat robot.”
She glared at me, although it didn’t hold the same intensity as before. “Let’s go.”
I found Twilight’s supply of magic earmuffs. The long distance communication ability was a great thing to have, and she’d enchanted several pairs of them just in case.
I checked to make sure I had my switchblade and firestarting kit. I considered telling Mr. and Mrs. Cake that it was a gay wedding that we were going to, but I didn't because I wasn't sure if they would want to help tear things up or just boycott it.
I walked out to the robot that had been designated mine. I found Cheerilee already there, much to my annoyance. “Couldn’t you get a ride with one of the fillies?” I asked.
“Well I’m sorry, but maybe you hadn’t considered that I don’t know anything about these robots!”
“Then why did you agree to come?”
“Because you peer-pressured me into it!”
I shrugged. “So you get a good story to tell for your next anti-bully lecture. Are we done here?”
She glared at me, but slid over to make room. These new robots were really highly advanced if I did say so myself, a far cry from the steam-powered prototypes I used to build. I really wanted that government contract.
“Radio check,” I said.
“What’s a radio?” asked Apple Bloom.
I sighed. “Magical earmuff check.”
All the ponies reported in. “All right,” I said, “set thrusters to takeoff power and proceed to flight level 38.”
“What’s that mean?” asked Braeburn.
“Push the big red button and hang on.”
“Also,” said the Doctor, “what measurement system is that flight level in?”
“U.S. units.”
"Bugger," he muttered.
“What’s a U.S.?” asked Scootaloo.
“No more questions!” I shouted. “I’m leaving, and if you don’t follow me, too bad!” I slammed my hoof down of the thruster controls and the robot leaped off the ground on a column of fire.
I was pleased to see Cheerilee get shoved against the back wall of the cockpit by the acceleration. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I saw the three Crusaders following, along with Post Haste and the Doctor, with Braeburn bringing up the rear.
I got a warm fuzzy feeling as I led the formation. The only thing cooler than seven flying robots would be if they were all stuck together in one giant Megazord-like conglomeration. Yeah, Pony Rangers would be awesome. I am unashamed of my childhood TV habits.
Even giant, unaerodynamic robots can fly pretty fast when you strap rockets to them. The trip to Canterlot was relatively short.
“Are we there yet?” complained Sweetie Belle.
Relatively short.
I wasn’t sure what to make of the pink bubble surrounding the castle. I flew the robot closer and tried to look for a way in. The guards posted around the marked entrances did not appear to like the idea of letting in a robot, no matter whose side we might be on.
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to punch though. It’s only magic, right?”
“That sounds like a terrible plan,” observed the Doctor. "Brilliantly terrible, but still pretty terrible."
"Well, what would you do?" I shot back.
"Eh, wing it?"
“Well, poor planning hasn’t killed me yet.” I shoved the throttle forward and sped towards the barrier.
“Poor planning might kill me!” shrieked Cheerilee.
I turned my head to look at her. “Oops…”
I don’t know exactly how many pieces the robot shattered into when it slammed into the magical pink bubble, but I don’t think a billion million would be out of the question. Being inside all of that carnage kind of sucked, if I do say so myself.
On the other hand, we did get through. As I fell to the ground amid bits of metal and Cheerilee, I saw the other robots make it through the hole before the bubble started to repair itself.
I saw a lavender hoof flailing through the air in my peripheral vision as I was falling, and I grabbed onto it. A small, deep pond located in the castle garden came rushing up to meet me.
I honestly don’t remember much about what happened next, but it involved a lot of hurt and moisture. I ended up someplace dark and dry. I could only assume there was some kind of underwater entrance to a cavern beneath the pond.
“Whew, some ride, huh, Cheerilee?” I said, gasping between the waves of pain.
In reply, all I got was a small cough.
“Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.” I felt around and touched a hoof. “Come on, get up.” I pulled on the hoof and it moved. I kept pulling until I got to the end of the leg and found that there wasn’t a body attached.
“Um…well, shit. Cheerilee?”
I heard another faint noise nearby and used it to track her down. She seemed to be both breathing and bleeding. It smelled awesome. It didn't feel so awesome to think that I thought that it smelled awesome. I think.
Using the small sharp piece of flint in my firestarting kit, I hacked off a generous portion of her mane and squeezed the water out. After a couple of attempts, I got it to light up.
I immediately wished I hadn’t. Being able to see made me both more nauseous and way more hungry. She was a mess.
“Can you keep a secret?” I asked her. I couldn’t tell if she nodded between gasping breaths.
“I’m a vampire.” Once again, she gave basically no reaction.
“I would really, really like to drink your blood.” Nothing. In fact, she may have just stopped breathing.
I fidgeted. “Saynoifyoudon’twantmetodothat.” I dove in.
Holy shit you guys, pony blood is delicious. And oh my God, the self-loathing that comes with it is insane. I cried happy and I cried sad, like those theater masks you sometimes see.
It was only after the burning hair went out that I realized how bad burning hair smells. In the darkness, I felt like throwing up, although that had nothing to do with the odor. I didn’t upchuck, though, for some reason.
Oh, hey, suddenly I felt better. Seems like a little drink was just what I needed. I’d just committed an unholy sin, no big deal. Oh my God, I was a terrible pony.
Well, if I was going to Hell, I might as well get on with it. I trotted away through the cavern, and soon came upon Twilight and Princess Cadance. They were talking and laughing.
“Ahem,” I said.
“Valiant, what are you doing here?”
“I came back for you. Are you proud of me?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well, this doesn’t really help, being stuck in this cave.”
“What if I told you I’ve got six combat robots topside outfitted with drilling equipment?”
“That would be great.”
“Too bad, they aren't equipped with anything like that at all.”
Twilight gaped at me. “The one time in my life when I wish you were crazier, and you disappoint me.”
I shrugged. “Anyway, I can still kick Cadance’s ass all by myself.” I took a step towards the Princess.
Twilight blocked me. “Wait, this is the real Cadance. The other one was an imposter.”
I shrugged again. “Point me that way. I’ll kick her ass instead.”
“We have a bit of a problem,” observed Cadance. “The cave exit is up there,” she pointed a hoof at the ceiling, “but I can’t carry both of you.”
“I have a spell for that,” said Twilight. “Hold still, Valiant.” Her horn put out a burst of magic, and I felt something on my back.
“Did you just give me wings?”
“I sure did. Let’s get out of here.” Cadance grabbed Twilight and carried her upwards.
I flexed muscles I hadn’t had until recently and somehow floated off the ground. Seemed natural enough. Unnaturally natural. Anyway.
We popped out behind a hidden door inside the castle. In the light, Twilight gasped.
“Why are you covered in blood?”
“Huh? Oh, um…” I glanced back over my body and did a little gasp of my own.
“Why do I have freaking butterfly wings?”
“It’s the only kind I know how to make,” said Twilight.
“Cadance could have made a second trip for me," I pointed out. "Take ‘em off right now!”
“We don’t have time for this arguing,” said Cadance. “We need to stop the wedding.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”
The three of us burst into the event hall. The crowd gasped.
“I’m speaking now and not holding my peace!” I shouted. Twilight glared at me.
I shrugged. “Sorry, once in a lifetime opportunity.”
“I don’t understand,” said Applejack, looking back and forth between the Cadance beside me and the one at the altar. “How can there be two of ‘em?”
“She’s a Changeling!” said the Cadance at my end of the room. “She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them!”
The imposter Cadance laughed, changing into her true form. “Right you are, Princess! And as Queen of the Changelings, I—”
“"Yo Queen, I'm happy for you," I said, walking up the aisle. "I'm gonna let you finish, but you are clearly the most hideous thing of all time."
I cleared my throat. “Now, I’m no art critic. I abide by my own opinions of beauty. But I think that anyone here would say that you are the largest single concentration of pure ugly this side of the sun.”
The crowd murmured in agreement. Shining Armor stood there, seemingly oblivious to everything. I assumed he was under some kind of spell.
“I mean, Jesus Christ, did the doctor slap your parents when you were born?” I said.
Ms. Queen-of-the-Changelings seemed remarkably unaffected by my comment. “No matter," she said with a shake of her head. "Even now, my minions are chipping away at the protective spell placed around the castle. Soon, they will break through. First we take Canterlot, and then all of Equestria!”
“No, you won’t,” said Celestia, who for some reason had been merely observing quietly until then. “You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but I can protect my subjects from you!”
“Citizens,” I corrected.
Celestia shot me a glare. While her attention was diverted, she got blasted backwards by a bolt of energy from the Changeling, who then grinned at Cadance. “Shining Armor’s love for you is even stronger than I thought. Consuming it has made me even more powerful than Celestia!”
“Well, we’re all boned now,” I said. “Nice knowing you guys.” I may be a macho hothead, but I have amazing self-preservation skills. I ran away.
As I exited the wedding hall and went someplace quieter, I reflected on the life choices that had led to me being turned into a vampire butterfly pony, and how exactly I had managed to get involved with some kind of love-sucking fiends. Hmm. Interesting subject. I’d noticed that the Changeling Queen seemed to have fangs. Was this a variant of a vampire?
Speaking of bloodsuckers, I caught a glimpse of Prince Blueblood. He, too, appeared to be fleeing the scene. I saw him disappear through the doorway that Cadance, Twilight, and I had come out of.
Well, at least this day hadn't been a total waste. I sprinted towards the door.
Wait a minute, why was I running? I had these gay wings, I might as well use them. I flittered after Blueblood as fast as I could.
Down in the caves, I tried to make up the distance between us. I may have been going a little too fast, though, because it didn’t take much effort on Blueblood’s part to stick out a hoof and clothesline me.
I fell to the ground, out cold.
“He’s waking up!” called a voice. My vision was blurry and all I could see was a white ceiling.
“Huh?”
A face came into view. “Sir, do you know how much you had to drink?”
“Well, clearly not enough. I’m not in Equestria anymore.”
The man frowned. “It's only pure luck that your roommate found you and brought you in before you died. You’ve got a severe case of alcohol poisoning. We’ve got you on dialysis to get it out of your system.”
I grabbed his arm as well as I could manage. “I have to fight the vampire pony. Put it back in!”
He twisted out of my grip. “Nurse, can we get some sedative over here for an unruly patient?”
“That works, too,” I said. The nurse came over with a syringe and emptied it into my IV.
I woke up back in the cave, inches from the edge of a steep drop.
“You’re persistent, I’ll give you that,” Blueblood said as he stood over me. “You even made me nervous once or twice.”
“Yeah, the vampire killing was going pretty good there for a while,” I said. "So why did you do it?"
"The Changelings aren't so bad," he said. "They feed on love, I feed on blood. We're both vampires, just slightly different."
"Vamps got to hang together, huh? Just how did you plan that?"
Blueblood shrugged. “I plan for everything.”
Well, he sure wasn’t planning on me popping open my switchblade and cutting his throat. He fell to his knees, making gurgling noises.
“I’ve been thinking about this moment for a long time,” I told him. “I never really came up with a plan for how I wanted to end you, though. I could just stab you repeatedly until you keel over. I could break off your horn and impale you with it.”
He said something, but it was too faint to hear.
“What was that?” I leaned closer, cocking my head to listen. The bastard bit my ear.
I instinctively kicked out, and he went flying over the edge of the cliff. I looked over the side and saw him stuck neatly on a stalagmite. Then he exploded.
“I’ll never get used to that,” I muttered, wiping some blood off. I swished my tongue around my mouth. No more fangs.
My ear still hurt, though. Minor complaint. I had to get back to the business of saving my skin. I turned around and ran smack into Cheerilee.
“Um, hi,” I said.
“What just happened?” she asked.
“Remember that whole ‘I’m a vampire’ thing? Well, I killed Blueblood who turned Rarity, who turned me, and now I’m not a vampire anymore, and Rarity probably isn’t either.”
“Did you turn me?”
“Um, well, since you’re not dead, I guess, maybe?”
Cheerilee had glared at me in the past and I felt nothing. This time, I got the feeling that she was staring into my soul and repeatedly giving it a knuckle sandwich.
“You turned back,” she said, slowly, dangerously. “Why…didn’t…I?”
“Eeep!” I shot into the air, and out of reach. No way was I going to let an angry, vampire, Cheerilee get her hooves on me. I flew out of the cave.
Outside, there was some kind of attack carrying on that resembled orbital bombardment. Jets of green light kept smashing into things. Little black Changelings, each uglier than the last, were everywhere.
I caught my reflection in a shard of broken mirror lying on the ground. Blueblood’s fang had punched a trim little hole in my ear. I sighed. I’d have to get an earring now. If I chose right, I would look like a pirate. If I chose wrong, I would look like a douchebag.
I went on. I saw Derpy hanging out, looking remarkably calm. Her eyes moved in different directions, watching the carnage around her.
“Is there something wrong with you?” I said. “Run!”
“Oh, no, I’m with them,” she said.
“What?”
“Yeah, I work in the delivery business. It wasn’t hard to sneak the Queen into the castle in a box. Blueblood signed for the shipment."
"Why did you do it?" I asked.
"Well, mind control, but also the Queen set me up with some cool gear to travel time and space.” Derpy showed me a rock, which I recognized as the ugly piece of basalt that had plagued me for so long. It made sense that ugly Changelings would have an ugly rock.
“Wait, so you dropped that piano on Twilight on purpose? Did you then kill your coworker Merry May and send us her body parts?”
“Yes and Yes,” she confirmed.
“One problem,” I said. “That’s the rock that I found in my pocket in the human world.”
“Oh yeah, due to the time paradox thing there's multiple copies of it. I went to earth and slipped one into your pocket while you were getting drunk. You coming to Equestria was just the distraction we needed to start the whole process. Did you enjoy the multiverse, sucker?"
My mind flashed back to the bar, remembering the girl who didn't take off her sunglasses…because her eyes were messed up.
“Oh my God, I was so stupid, I should have seen the clues all along!” I said.
“Don’t feel bad,” said Derpy. “I don’t even know what’s going on half the time. They’ve got some kind of mental control on me, and they keep calling me Ditzy Doo.”
“So…you’re doing this against your will like you’re possessed or something?”
“Pretty much.”
I had very little experience with possessions. I always wondered if Catholics were the only ones who performed exorcisms because they were the only ones trained to do it, or if they were the only ones that needed it.
Either way, I definitely wasn’t on orders from the Vatican, so I backhoofed Derpy across the face. Her eyes rolled around in their sockets.
“Do you feel better?” I asked, hoping she’d snapped out of whatever she was in.
“No! I just realized how many ponies I’ve murdered for my Changeling overlords!”
I shrugged. “Well, the truth sometimes hurts. Anyway, I’m off.” I flittered away.
There was one heck of a fight going on in the castle courtyard. The Elements of Harmony had dropped the whole “Friendship is Magic” idea and were resorting to fistfighting. Hooffighting. Whatever.
There were dozens if not hundreds of Changelings around, and they were all shapeshifting like mad. One of them even tried to be me, but I cut that bitch.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders and Doctor Whooves entered the battlefield with their robots.
“Hey guys,” I said.
“Valiant, where’d you get those wings?” called Scootaloo.
“Long story. Where’s Post and Braeburn?”
“Post went to deliver the mail,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Braeburn said somethin’ about being self-conscious and went down to the caves to sulk,” added Apple Bloom.
“It’s nice to chat,” said the Doctor, “but we appear to have a slight problem.” He gestured to the giant crowd of Changelings.
“Oh, right. Words can sometimes be weapons, but weapons are always weapons. All of you are piloting giant robots and you’re in a target-rich environment. Just do what comes naturally.”
After that, the Battle of Canterlot was over pretty quickly. Even when the Changeling reinforcements showed up, it was no big deal. Sure, with all the shapeshifting we did have a few friendly fire incidents, but nothing major.
I now saw why Luna and the Mares in Black had wanted me to build the robots. The Elements of Harmony would have been useless against creatures that fed upon love.
"But Princess Celestia told me to go find the Elements!" said Twilight when I told her that.
I shrugged. "Celestia must not have been in the loop. This was Luna's project, after all."
There was still scattered resistance to mop up, namely the Changeling Queen, but I saw no reason why that should be difficult.
That is, until Derpy smashed into me and knocked me out of the air. I landed wrong, and the thin gossamer of one wing was torn completely away. It didn’t hurt because it was only a magical construct, but I was grounded. Figuring Derpy was back under the control of the Changelings, I kicked her hard. She flew off me, straight into the path of one of the green lightning bolts falling from the sky. I saw burned feathers fly everywhere.
“Oh. Damn,” I said. I really hadn’t intended for that to happen.
Twilight and friends ran up. “Did she just attack you?” said Rainbow.
“Yeah.” I briefly explained everything Derpy had told me.
“Oh that poor dear!” said Rarity. “We have to track her down and fix her.”
The googly-eyed mare had dissapeared.
“I don’t see where she went,” said Applejack. “How did she get away if her wings were fried?”
“Allow ZZ Top to answer your question,” I said. I took a deep breath and sung a line.
“She’s got legs and she knows how to use them…”
All of the ponies stared at me blankly. I shook my head. “Nevermind. Let’s go find the Queen.”
The eleven of us, four in giant robots, must have looked pretty awesome as we burst into the wedding room. The Doctor attempted to enter without taking out a wall, but the Crusaders didn’t bother.
Princess Celestia was inside a transparent green cocoon hanging from the ceiling. It looked like the panzerfaust Post had delivered was inside with her.
The Changeling Queen sighed. “Are you ponies actually going to make things interesting and fight me? The last one who showed up only made Celestia sign for a package and then he left.”
“We’re here to stop you,” said Twilight, stepping forward.
The Queen laughed. “You’ve certainly plowed through a lot of my minions, and Prince Blueblood. You also appear to have taken out my dimension-hopping pony helper, Derpy,” she said. “Very efficient, really.” The Queen smiled. “But there’s still me, and I’m more powerful than any of you!” She laughed for a little bit.
“Cut the dramatic laughter,” I said. “It makes us take you less seriously.”
The Queen shot me a look. “But it’s funny, really. Twilight here was suspicious of my behavior from the very beginning. The rest of you were so involved with wedding planning that you didn’t notice!”
As usual, Applejack was the first in line to apologize. “Sorry Twi, we shoulda listened to you.”
“It’s not your fault,” said Twilight. “She fooled everypony.”
“I did, didn’t I?” The Queen walked over to the window. She started to sing.
“This day has been just perfect. The kind I’ve dreamed of since I was small. Every pony I’ll soon control, every stallion, mare, and foal. Who says a girl can’t really have it all?”
“That would be me,” I said. “Also, your song sucks.”
The Queen whirled around to glare at me, but caught sight of Twilight halfway across the room on her way to rescue Cadance. The Changeling's horn began to glow, and it looked like she about to fry Twilight or something.
Up in the cocoon on the ceiling, I saw Celestia twitch. There was a little flash of light as the panzerfaust disappeared.
Spike looked ill, and then he vomited the rocket launcher out at my feet.
“Cool, thanks.” I picked it up. I had suitably modified the design for hooves and had no problem getting it into firing position.
The Changeling Queen realized I had some kind of weapon, but was too slow. I fired. The warhead hit her square in the chest and knocked her backwards out the window before it exploded.
We all stood there for a minute in stunned silence. The remaining Changelings decided that they should probably leave.
I dropped the empty launch tube. “That worked even better than I thought. Well, we should probably go on with the wedding now.”
We got Celestia down. “I’ll be fine,” she said. It didn’t look like it to me.
“Just take it easy,” I said. “I’ve got this.”
“You can marry a couple?” said Celestia, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, I’ve never actually done it before, but I am ordained, so it’s legal. One of my exes was a minister.”
We went up to the altar. I’m not sure Cadance and Shining Armor were too pleased with the arrangement, but this whole thing was their fault in the first place. If their love was really so strong, I figured they would have noticed an imposter. Oh well, if the passion had gone out of the marriage before it had even begun it wasn’t my fault.
“Do you have vows prepared?” I asked.
“I’ve been sitting in a cave for the past few days,” Cadance reminded me.
“All right, let’s go on. Shining Armor, do you take this mare to be your wife?”
“I do.”
“Princess Mi Amore Ca-whatever the hell your name is, do you take this stallion to be your husband?”
“I do.”
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss and make up, you’re probably going to need it.” I looked around. “Where are the rings?”
“Spike’s down for the count,” said Twilight. She levitated the wedding bands over and gave them to the couple.
I walked off the altar and over to the dragon, who looked sick.
“Ugh,” said Spike. “I never want to do anything like that again. What was it that you called that thing? Pants-her-first?”
“Panzerfaust.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It’s just a word.” I shrugged. “Panzerfaust, Lauren Faust. Whatever.”
“Who’s Lauren Faust?” he asked.
“Ex girlfriend. All she wanted to do was draw cartoons instead of have sexytimes, so I dumped her.”
I looked around. The wedding hadn’t exactly been saved, but it had at least been salvaged. There were still a few loose ends to tie up, though.
We discovered Derpy at the local muffin shop. As it turned out, she hadn't been injured too badly and was in the mood to talk now that control over her had been lifted.
The whole time-traveling messup had been caused by the time paradox Twilight had accidentally created by having her future self die in the Canterlot Archive fire.
The time traveling also neatly explained how the Twiminator robot had been sent back from the future to do…something. We weren’t really sure what. Maybe just take Twilight's place so I wouldn’t kill the real one. I wondered if my female time-and-space-traveling-badass counterpart from the other universe had anything to do with it.
Discord saying that Twilight was the main character had been a mystery, but Derpy helped us clear that up, too. The Draconequus had basically been a pawn in the game, and had been manipulated by Derpy of all ponies, which was actually kind of funny when you thought about it. It had been her that had told Discord that I was human. She’d gotten her eyes crossed while reading her notes, though, and accidentally told him that Twilight was the main character. The real main character was actually Diamond Tiara. That only applied to the show that DT watched in her mind, though.
“None of this makes any damned sense,” I said. “Aren’t there easier ways of traveling time and space?”
“If there were, don’t you think Derpy would have taken them?” said Doctor Whooves. "Those were terrible things the Changelings had her doing. I think she needs some rest and recuperation. Trust me, I'm a Doctor."
We were interrupted by Braeburn showing up in his robot. He was carrying an angry Cheerilee in the metal manipulators.
“Um, I think something’s wrong with her. She tried to bite me.”
Rarity and I glanced at each other. She flashed a quick smile that didn’t show any fangs. Maybe my vampire saliva had only gone to work on Cheerilee after Blueblood was dead. As Twilight had once explained to me, blood-borne ailments weren't exactly a science in Equestria.
"Just put her in a cage or something," I told Braeburn. "We'll take care of her later."
I turned back to everyone else. “Well, I had fun, and I usually hate weddings. When’s the reception?”
“It was scheduled for tonight,” said Twilight. “I think it may have been canceled in the turmoil.”
I sighed. “Guess I have to save the afterparty, too. Get these wings off me, Twilight. I’ve got work to do.”
“Actually,” said Twilight, “you aren’t a legal resident of Equestria, and so your ordination isn’t recognized here.”
“So…I didn't save the wedding, I actually ruined it worse by falsely marrying them?”
“Well, yes, but at the moment it’s probably easier if we just gloss over it and go straight to the party.”
“That may be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Twilight.”
Princess Luna showed up later. She seemed a little tipsy.
“What did I miss?” she asked.
“You really skipped a freaking war?” I said.
“Well, Spike had a keg of something at the bachelor party, and he invited me to have a drink.” I had gotten the dragon straightened out on when the bachelor party was supposed to occur. Luna apparently had been plastered since the night before. While ordinarily I wouldn't recommend raising the moon while hammered, nothing bad appeared to have happened.
I nodded to Luna. "Well, I'm glad you had a good time." She thanked me and walked away, stumbling slightly.
Photo Finish popped in and tried to take my picture. Admittedly, it was better than if she was around when I was sporting iridescent fluttery wings. I broke her latest camera and sent her on her way.
Spike said, "I've been meaning to thank you for helping with the bachelor party."
"Did you all have a good time?"
"Oh yeah. In fact, I think some of the guards are still drunk."
Well, that explained their lackluster reaction to the Changeling invasion.
“There’s still some left in the keg," said Spike.
“Cool, let’s drink.”
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"I mean, Jesus Christ, did the doctor slap your parents when you were born?"
I did no such thing! How dare you insinuate these insinuations, you insinuating insinuator!
Also... I'm awesome.
Also... First!
485867
Hey, take it easy. I wrote the doctor not The Doctor
485893
Hmmmmmmmm. Sure you did.
Everybody? Including the Mane 6?
How long have you been planning this?
in chapter 44, you already knew Rarity would be making Cadance’s dress
the ugly rock was introduce in chapter 35 just so it would fit with the ugly changelings
in chapter 42, you revealed that the Mares in black were trying to prevent something bad. Also, Luna wanted the robots to save the day because the elements of harmony wouldn’t get used in the final episode. You even said in the author note that you knew how the season was going to end!
I guess what I’m saying is…how long have you worked for Hasbro?
486009
No comment.
Oh Lord. My body was not ready for so much awesomeness in one sitting.
HOW DARE YOU DUMP LAUREN FAUST!!!
So Spike and Luna are plastered; Chrysalis got blown up with a rocket; Cadance and Shining Armor aren't technically married; Braeburn is struggling with depression; Derpy is eating herself into a muffin induced coma after helping to orchestrate what seems to be the most confounded, timey wimey, and utterly pointless schemes ever; Prince Blueblood's throat was slit with Equestria's only switchblade; the Cutie Mark Crusaders took part in one of the most violent events in Equestrian history using a bunch of classified government robots; Cheerilee is now an angry vampire zombie thing I guess; and Valient is left unlaid with one butterfly wing.
I'd say that about wraps everything up. Swag.
No drills on any of the giant robots? Meh, Vampire Cheerilee makes up for it.
486093
See you next season!
Maybe I did maybe I didn't they were both evil and trying to destroy equestria though
Sincerely The Doctor
I'M THROWING MONEY AT MY SCREEN BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!
486301
MY DOLLAR PRINTER WONT WORK
are you going to continue working on more stories with valient like in more dreams
486449
I'm planning one where he and the Mane 6 go on a boat to explore the rest of the world that Equestria is in.
I'm kind of thinking about writing The Adventures of Vampire Cheerilee. Actually, scratch that, I'm definitely going to do that.
i cant wait , you are the best writer i have ever seen.
seen?
read?
“I have to fight the vampire pony. Put it back in!”
I fucking died. i love you.
Best humor writer on this site? Best humor writer on this site.
Well, that's a nice wrap-up. Print it, bind it, I'd buy it... It's legal if you're charging for the service of printing it + materials, and not for the story itself, right?
My brain. I...so much.
Deus ex Machina!
Ok, I'm good now. Well done. God speed Valiant.
I see your link and raise you this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENnAa7rqtBM
that detox bit was really funny.
“Allow ZZ Top to answer your question,” I said. I took a deep breath and sung a line.
“She’s got legs and she knows how to use them…”
Muahahahaha
486460
google.co.uk/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://renecuartero.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/shut-up-and-take-my-money1.jpg&sa=X&ei=OO2UT4DeBuWm0AXkzq3oAQ&ved=0CAoQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNGiK6GfOt8Y7G2MnFADVdAikTOSLA
Excellent Finale do continue to write
You wrapped this whole thing up perfectly. What a way to end a wonderful story.
And this needs to be animated, just so that that song can be used in the end credits.
God damn that was amazing, cant wait for season 3 and the next chapters
That was excellent.
How many girlfriends is that?
wow this is almost as good as the real season 2 end
10/10
still you get a few of these
Oh... my... God...
That was Muffin Brilliant.
Shame I cant thumbs-up twice...
Does anypony think its odd that I used a text-Audio converter to put this whole story on my MP3 player?
Its even 10 hours long...
490612
Really? That sounds pretty awesome. I wouldn't think it was quite that long, but then, I literally have no idea how many dozens of hours I spent writing it.
Well, I had to lower the speed slightly from default, because otherwise it was hard to understand any of the converted Fimfiction.
Hmm, now my mp3 player is full. I wonder how that happened. :p
Ah well, Now I can read books without having to read books!
494979
Valiant is a mindless consumer who doesn't put a lot of thought into his diet.
486018 i20.photobucket.com/albums/b217/strangething/ponies/lyra-mother-of-god-right.jpg You are Psychic! Either that or you just read the episode synopsis and got lucky...
520012
*facepalm* I completly forgot to build the Tesla coils!
Killer Queen - Queen
You good sir. My Internet. My money. This award for awesomeness.
This comment for making the single most funny fanfic I've read.
You
Win
At
Life
521122
Aw shucks.
Now I just wish I had a life so I didn't have time to write 85,000 words about magical ponies.
521274 but valiant is no longer a vampire, life has been restored!
So how's the other fanfics coming along?
521283
Pretty good, pretty good. I just finished The Adventures of Vampire Cheerilee, which along with The Adventures of Cyborg Braeburn is tied in with A Dream. If you want more stories from Valiant's point of view, check out either More Dreams or my newest story Wet Dreams.
In a couple of days, I'll post So a pony walks into a gun shop... which is a one-shot that is exactly what it sounds like. We'll see what happens after that.
521312 I haven't read the newest Cheerilee... Brb, as well as I'm only on ch 2 of Braeburn, Moore dressage I've read, and wet dreams I shall read*salutes*
gunshop
485867
Change your name. right. now.
~In Medicus
485893
I was the one that slapped them, I am a cruel doctor.
Since english isn't my main language, I'm limited in words to use as praise...
But this story was amazing and magnificent.
It had the "I just wanna read more and more" feel to it.
I hope there will be more in the future.
550305
May I ask which one? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
550331
Sweetie ninja.
550415
Ah. Heh. I loved that one.
I MADE that one.
I just discovered this stories yesterday. They were at the start pretty lame, but i keep going on for some weird reason. Now that i reached this point, i'm glad i did it, because this was pretty awesome. Keep it going. Obviously, i'm talking about when Season 3 starts, of course...
562833
If you'd like to read more about Valiant being a dick, try More Dreams or Wet Dreams