This is a little tie-in to Draconic Troubles. And a chance for me to take a Thesaurus bend it over and make it think of England! Sorry, a Horsetrian, trying to write Luna-english has no other choice.
„AND FOR THIS VILE DISPLAY, WE, THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, HEREBY DECREE THAT THOU, PHALANX, AND THOU, DUSTY FEATHERS...”
“LUNA!” the princess of the Sun interrupted her sister. Celestia had heard the Official Royal Canterlot Voice from across the hallway and instantly charged to intervene. She was pretty sure that some places in Ponyville, Horstralia and Phillydelphia had heard it too.
“OH, SISTER! WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO SENTENCE THESE RAPSCALLIONS TO...” Luna started again, her volume still being at the level of roaring jet engines.
At her hoofs were two other ponies:
Phalanx a Pegasus guard and Dusty, one of the many maids in the castle. Both ponies were shivering, and Phalanx had a tear in his eye. Dusty was either made of sterner stuff than the veteran or, as Celestia expected, her mind had shut down completely during Luna’s speech and was currently far away from this break room.
“Erm, Luna, can we talk for a moment?” Celestia tried.
“BUT CERTAINLY! STATE YOUR THOUGHTS!” Luna answered, almost managing to disturb Celestia’s magically flowing mane with her voice.
“No, can WE as in *you and I* talk for a moment?” The sun princess tried again.
“OH, CERTAINLY! JUST LET US PASS JUDGEMENT ON THESE TWO.”
“Luna, I’m not going to, wait, us as in...” Celestia tried to intervene. She swore in her head, now remembering why exactly she abolished the plural majestatis. “No, this is about the offense. We have to talk about that!”
“THEN STATE YOU-“ “NO! You come with me, us... all... four of us will talk in our room, now!”
“Does that include us?” Phalanx asked with a frightened voice.
“NO!” Celestia answered and teleported herself and other princesses away.
“So... what is it, Tia?” Luna asked, after arriving in Celestia’s room.
“Luna, we have to talk about this... offense!” the white alicorn stated.
“Oh, vile indecency! And they didn’t even consider it! And out of wedlock! Can you imagine? I tell you, sister, this is a terrible sign, if even the guard has members this depraved!”
“Luna, Phalanx is one of my personal guards. I usually don’t choose depraved individuals for that position.” Celestia calmly explained.
“OH, so it was that little scallywag, Dusty! I would have never guessed that one of our maids could possibly be so vile and...”
“Did you just say scallywag?” Celestia asked. Oh goodness... did she talk like that too, at some point?
“The waggiest of them all!”
“Luna! That has never been a word!”
“What I am trying to convey is this: Our servants are depraved, sister! Immoral and despicable!” Luna stressed, closing in on her sister.
“LUNA! Calm down!” Celestia replied. This would be a... complex conversation.
“How can I calm? How can I rest in a castle that is cleaned by hoofs and mouths that were used for such vile displays of exchange?” Luna asked sternly.
“Sister, did you read the books I suggested?”
“Of course! The “Guide to important inventions”, The “Eggheads guide to pony development” and the “History for ponies with way too much time”. All very interesting, even though the names might put you off your guard.”
“You did not read the last one?”
“I figured it was simply one of your pranks, since the title contained a dirty word. A rather weak prank, I have to admit. You could do so much better without...”
“Sexuality, is not a dirty word!” Celestia wailed.
“CELESTIA!” Luna answered in shock.
“The “Development of Sexuality in the last centuries” is not a dirty book!” Celestia stressed.
“Well, it certainly doesn’t sound like a book a princess should read!” Luna answered, now blushing furiously “Especially an ageless one with little chance of ever needing it!”
*You would be surprised...* Celestia thought, but instead said “I really think that you might want to take a look at the changes in pony’s mindsets. That would explain why the two... scallywags didn’t feel guilty for what they did.”
“NOT FEEL GUILTY?” Luna almost screamed back “You did not witness their... terribly inappropriate, undignified, horrendously and outright salacious display!”
“Luna!”
“I mean... you did not see it? His hoofs were... were... touching her... FETLOCKS!”
“Luna!”
“And her tail was... outright swaying!”
“Luna!”
“And then the act! Their lips! Did I mention the LIPS? They were TOUCHING!”
“THEY SHARED A BLOODY KISS!” Celestia yelled in the traditional Canterlot voice.
“And out of wedlock! Did I mention that?” Luna nodded. “Now, since we are on the same page here, we can return and pass judgement! What do you say? Two months of dungeon? Flogging?”
“Luna, we can’t do that!”
“You are right; I have to think of their child!”
“Oh my goodness!”
holyshit, the ending
OUT OF WEDLOCK!
Awesome, just way too awesome. I've seen stories dealing with Luna's "problems" with changed morality but adding her now canon mannerisms makes it even more hilarious.
18691 I actually wanted to continue, but... there was nothing that could top THIS ending
18696 What can I say? I kinda expected to be disappointed by Luna, with "Progress", "Composure" and all those other great fics out there. And then she is even more awesome! I really wanted to use that persona in one way. I hope I nailed it
This is solid gold.
Luna's outdated worldviews are gonna make great comedy fodder
Oh dear me. This is what you get for not checking in with your little sister more frequently, Celestia. She unloads two barrels of BRIAN BLESSED on the help. Let's hope Dusty comes to soon, and that her hearing hasn't been too badly damaged.
It does beg the question, though. The Summer Sun Celebration is on the summer solstice. Nightmare Night presumably takes place in the middle of fall. That's a season and a half, at least. What was Luna doing that whole time? Reading the entire palace library?
In any case, great stuff, and I look forward to more.
That was hilarious. Please contiune!
18733 Well, in Celestia's defence... Luna was probably a prude even by pasts standards. And who expected Phalanx to leave the break room door open?
And just to answer your question: Yes, she did hit the books. And spent the rest of the time getting that star mane back on.
18755 This is far from over
Celestia: NOOOOOOO
Oh, I can't wait for the next one.
18841 You guys are terribly greedy! And I love you for it
18733 Great, I tried to get some rest, but I can't stop thinking about Luna commanding a bunch of pegasi into battle with the words: "STAND BY MY HAWKPONIES, DIIIIVE!"
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH god this slays me!! good work!!! ENCORE!!
THIS IS GREAT DO MORE!! (perhaps showing where luna got those Bat Pegasus to pull her chariot.)
If i were you i would have celestia trap her in a chair and force her to watch a education video of 'the bird and the bees'
the first one made me laugh snd im actualy thinking of copying it into word fror when the nets down but the second one... just seemed off abit still good though
thanks for the fic!
38334 Goat?
Luna only accepts foals! Or candy, apparently.
These were the most epic stories I've ever read.
Excellent use of ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE to confuse ponies as well.
42772 The plural majestatis may be tradition, but as soon as there are two... wait, can you speak of two beings if they use plural on themselves?
Anyhow, thanks for the nice comment. I'll see if there are more epic tales from the private life of the royal... many!
You write the best Luna EVER.
Oh my....Celestia? Luna?
18696
Really? Which ones and which chapters? And IMHO, I think people have this idea that because the MANY want something and society changes, that that change is a good thing.
While people think about what ISN'T private or improper anymore a thousand years later. No one stops to think about what ISN'T proper or accepted anymore that was a thousand years ago.
Oh dear Luna, I should really sleep, but I can't stop reading!
Seriously.
Luna isn't the one who needs to read a history book, the AUTHOR is.The antics people got up to a thousand years ago would straighten your hair. People mistake the stunningly brief period of the Victorian era for all of history....
1424423
The antics people got up to and what was socially acceptable in public vs. private places and varying stages in between are two different things. I'm fairly sure that in the Victorian Era some things would not have been mentioned out loud in public, Some things have no doubt been going on since the beginning of the existence of humans. However, it's one thing for stuff to happen, another for it to be generally acceptable, and still further for it to be considered fair game for discussion in a public forum.
1266671
Heh, arranged marriage anyone? Pretty sure the influence of that carried right up into the 19th and early 20th century.
This is how Luna is hilarious. I can't help but think she'd say something horribly racist in the worst context.
Chapter 2: Luna is ANCIENT. We're talking Pre-Cambrian...
Luna: Sister, art thou implying that our ponies no longer reproduce by binary fission?
Celestia: No, they began to produce zygotes around 250 million years ago.
Luna: Accursed evolution! At least the little parasprites are still the same. I hath gathered several in the kitchens.
Celestia: In the... kitchens... MY CAKE!!!