It tingles, it scratches, it twists, it grows!
Seven minutes after six.
Seven minutes ago, day court had ended, night court was about to begin and Phalanx, proud guardian of Princess Celestia and possibly future captain of the royal guard was exiting the showers. He had a smile on his face, seeing how his marefriend was about to end her shift as well and they would have a wonderful date in the movie theater in a short while. He quickly dried himself, eager to drag her into the next monster movie and enjoy himself some rubber costumes and tons of slime, while she would do her best to act as if she was not enjoying herself. Poor Dusty and her desperate claim to dignity. Both of them knew that she had been having a poster of "Swamp Thingie: The Swampening Swampiness" on her wall long before he dragged her into their first creature feature. Just embrace the camp and enjoy the fact that the goo on film was not nearly as sticky as the changeling goo Phalanx had been covered with once.
As he looked upon himself in the mirror, he noticed a few blonde hairs sprouting from the white coat on his chin. Maybe he should shave before the date...
He was getting his shaving equipment ready as a voice from behind startled him. "Hey there, handsome and wet!"
He turned, only to see his girlfriend, the most adorable maid in all of Canterlot, Dusty Feathers, standing in the door, still clad in her maid uniform and holding her stalwart feather duster. "Love, what are you doing in here?" Phalanx asked quickly. He knew that he was alone in the showers but he was pretty sure that she didn't know that.
"Relax..." Dusty answered "If anyone comes, I'll just pretend that I was cleaning up. I just wanted to give you a kiss before freshening up for our date." She pouted slightly and fluttered her eyelashes "Is that so wrong?"
"You are incorrigible!" Phalanx giggled.
"And that's why you love me!" Dusty rebutted and approached him. She rested her duster on the basin and leaned in to kiss Phalanx. The two gave each other a few more pecks before Dusty pulled back. "I'll be with you in ten minutes... don't run off!" she said happily and grabbed her duster. Sadly, she grabbed it a bit too carelessly and knocked Phalanx' straight razor off the basin. "Sorry!"
"It's fine, love, let me-"
"No, I'll get it!" Dusty interrupted and grabbed the razor-blade with one hoof. Her eyes went wide. "Wait, this thing is completely dull! How do you cut anything with that?" she asked loudly and suddenly something else grabbed her attention. "And how do you shave your beard without shaving your coat off? And why does it have the colour of your mane and not the colour of you coat? That all makes no-"
She was interrupted as Phalanx grabbed the bottle of shaving foam and sprayed it into her face. But instead of foam, a pink cloud filled her nostrils. Dusty shook her head and her eyes began to lose focus. A heartbeat later, she fell to the ground, sleeping deeply. Phalanx took the small mirror in his shaving kit and twisted a small switch under theinlay. The mirror turned white with the exception of one small black pupil that looked at him grimly. "What is it?" a voice snarled from the mirror.
"Lord Magnet! My girlfriend almost figured out our secret! I will have to use the dust of forgetfulness on her!"
"Understood! I will send you enough to refill your kit! Don't let her come close to the truth again. We can't let those girls know the truth about our gooooorgeous facial hair!"
"I know, sir. Phalanx out!"
"Toodles!"
Phalanx sighed and took a small bag of grey dust from the kit and measured it. He was about to sprinkle it on Dusty's face as a loud voice harrumphed behind him. He turned and looked into the questioning eyes of Princess Luna. "My Princess!" Phalanx exclaimed "I... can..." His hoof slowly moved toward the foam bottle, but Luna interrupted him.
"Don't even try it." Luna sighed "Are all stallions in Equestria still conspiring about their facial hair?"
Phalanx sighed. "Yes... we kinda are."
"Thousands of years and it is still the dumbest conspiracy on the planet!" Luna groaned loudly "Can't you all just admit that Starswirl the Bearded screwed up his biggest spell and cursed all stallions forever to silly facial hair? And now you have to remove it with magic."
"NEVER!" Phalanx stressed defiantly "Silly facial hair is our burden and our responsibility and we will endure it alone! Lord Magnet has been providing us with the means to remove it and keep our conspiracy up!" He sighed "And I'm sorry, Princess, but it's kinda all we have! With the exception of Starswirl and Sombra, the history books are exclusively full of mares! We had hope that Shining Armor would be a stallion to mention, but he mostly gets rescued and now he is probably gonna stay at home to raise his daughter. Let us at least have our conspiracy."
Luna shook her head. "Fine, but it is still idiotic. Now mind-wipe your marefriend and carry on. Having a mare passed out on the guard's locker room could be misunderstood."
She turned to leave the two, muttering about stallions and their low-self esteem.
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i love this chapter so much.
Okay, that was damn hilarious!
Oh man this is gold!
This is too good!
It slices, it dices, it cuts through a tin can and can still chop tomatoes!
Sorry, that's just what the title made me think of. I'm not entirely sure why.
7162688
It even makes Julienne Fries!
I'll just leave this here.
7162744
And it's availible for NINETY-NINE, NINETY-NINE,NINETY-NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!
7162076 I just find her more interesting as a creature of immense power that constantly hold back due to her kindness and will to benefit others. It fits the optimism of the show better than having to imagining her being nice to make up for being weak.
7162688 I wanted to make it sound creepy but then I decided to just add silly for the sake of silly. Though it would be a tough sale, since it grows out of the face of 50% of the populace.
7163796 Exactly the right reaction! Dave needs stronger meds, it seems
7164414
MIKE! LEAVE THE PONIES ALONE!
7162744
BUT!
....
Will it BLEND!?
Ahh, I love these random one-shots.
At this point, I was thinking "Ahh great, another author who forgets that "coat" means ponies are COVERED in HAIRS".
Well played. Well played indeed.
7206306 Except you're also forgetting beards are a canon part of MLP as well as mustaches, and Shining Armor even had a stubble. If you hadn't realized, there are ways to cut hair to a certain length, so shaving just means cutting off the excess.