Chapter 2: Warm and Fuzzy *Edited*
I took my hand off of my forehead, and I felt as if I had a hundred bees stinging my face simultaneously. I cringed every time the pain pulsated. “You know after that fall, I don’t think smacking yourself in the face is going to make it feel any better.” Grace said leaning back with a grimace.
"And you, talking to me like my mother isn’t going to make it feel any better either,” I retorted… really I couldn’t have come up with anything better than that? I released an audible sigh and mumbled, “Just go.”
“I’m sorry but you’re going to have to speak up,” Grace said as she took a step forward and cupped a hoof to her ear, as if for a pony that’d make her hearing any better.
“I said, ‘leave me alone…’” I groaned, please let this high be done and over with. I closed my eyes and rolled over in the bed.
“You know…” Grace said, “I think we got off on the wrong hoof, Mr. R–”
“You know that window does seem a little lonely,” I sarcastically said as I shifted my body over to the left trying to get comfortable. Maybe if I just try and sleep it off it’ll end. In all honesty I don’t even care about the meeting anymore, and now that I think about it, I can’t drive like this. The police would be on me faster than a cougar on a young boy who got separated from his parents in a JCPenneys.
“What I’m saying is–”
“Just leave alright!” I got up into a sitting position and looked the mare in the eyes. “I’m tired, I don’t feel good, and all I want to do is sleep! Is that too much to ask for?”
Grace rubbed her left hoof along her right leg looking down at the floor she nodded her head. “I’m sorry; I’ll be on my way.” Grace turned away from me and began heading to the door. I lowered myself back down into the bed and pulled the covers over me just as I heard Grace click the door shut. Minutes passed and nothing happened. I laid there gazing up at the tan ceiling, mulling over what just happened in my mind.
I let out a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to fall asleep. However, sleep wouldn’t come to me. My head still throbbed and my stomach began to churn once again. The thought of where I was kept poking at my mind, and the poker was still scolding hot from the fire. My brow furrowed and I opened my eyes. I then flung the blanket off me and sat up. I tossed my legs to the side and journeyed once more through the field of crumpled up sheets.
Once I was finally off the bed, I glanced around the room. What if this wasn’t a dre– NO! No, no, this has to be a dream! I shouted in my head, But what if I really was in a crash? Could I be in a coma– no… no… I need to think clearly. I can think about that stuff later, but now I need to figure out where I am. My eyes drifted towards the balcony window. Well now this shouldn’t be too hard, I thought as I hobbled over to the curtains. I grabbed the bright pink pieces of fabric and quickly pulled them apart.
Now one thing that didn’t come to my mind at the time was the fact that I was in a dark room, for about thirty minutes, with a talking horse. Outside on the other hand was bright, not to mention that I thought it was December and there’s snow everywhere. When I pulled said curtains apart my eyes felt as if I was looking at the sun through a high powered telescope.
Instantly my eyes felt like they were exploding, and I cried out in pain. I tried to cover them as fast I could while stumbling backwards over my feet. With my feet now tangled I fell on my ass. Even though my eyes were closed I could still see the bright flashing splotches of colors you usually see when you close your eyes after looking at a bright light. It took a good minute for my vision to clear back up. Once I was able to see again, I noticed the girly room seemed even more feminine now that I could see all the extreme colors. I placed my hand on my knee and used it as as support while I pushed myself back up, and once I was on my feet I glanced around the room. Nervous about what could actually be outside, I gulped. No going back now Lee, I thought as I went out to the balcony.
My jaw nearly stubbed my toe. The outside was like nothing I have ever imagined. I have to be dreaming now, I thought to myself, that talking horse wasn’t kidding when she mentioned the word castle. As I gazed outside the window of the massive spire I appeared to be in, outside was a large city that was on the side of a mountain. The scene before me reminded me of Minas Tirith from Lord of the Rings. The scene in which Denethor went mad and started shouting commands at his soldiers to flee quickly ran through my mind. The sight before me made a smile run across my face. But as quickly as it came, it ran away. There I was standing outside on a balcony attached to a castle watching over a massive city. That was probably full of talking horses.
“Oh…” I laughed. “This is going to make a very interesting story next time I go to the bar with the guys,” I said to myself.
Welp there I went talking to myself now, that was the first check on the list of insanity. Next was making imaginary friends! “Why hello there, Mr. Rose, I’m glad to see…”
This new posh voice continued on behind me, but I stopped listening at the sound of Mr. Rose. I felt this new and ever growing anger building up inside of me all over again. Turning around I decided to say the first thing that came to mind.
“Can you just shut your fucking face?!” On the opposing side of room by the door that leads out into the corridor was a tall white slender horse, a good foot and a half taller than me by the looks of it. She had what appeared to me a black eye that seemed to be fading. Besides that her mane definitely made me feel like I needed to puke. The way it followed the unnoticeable draft waving up and down and down and up; I couldn’t take my eyes off it and I was stuck in a trance. I was like a cat locked onto a piece of string dangling above its head. Oddly enough, I even had the feeling to swat at it too.
“Excuse me?” She said snapping me out of my dazed state. I really need to stop doing that, sooner or later I’m going to get myself hurt. “But that is no way to speak to your Princess.”
That voice, it sounded familiar to me. “P-princess?” I said. “But I don’t even know who you are.” Where did I hear that voice?
“What do you mean? You don’t know who I am, Mr. Rose–?”
“Now I’m just going to have to stop you right there.” God damn this was really starting to bother me, where did I hear that voice?! “First off my name isn’t Mr. Rose.”
The white mare recoiled back. “Well of course it is, you’ve been my assistant for three years now I’d think I would know my ow–”
I silenced her with a finger. “My name is Lee Harrison, and secondly I never been here in my entire life.”
“Mr. Ro–”
“Ah, ba, ba,bababa… Silence, now listen here horse lady–”
Her brow furrowed and her lips collapsed into a frown. “My name is Princess Celestia and I will not be disrespected by someone the likes of you.”
Celestia, I thought, now why did that sound familiar.
“Tia, I told you to go rest. Leave it with me; it’s probably just its body getting use to the healing spell. It’s just calming down that is all…”
Celestia… Tia… Ce-les-tia…
Then it struck me, and I caught her act faster than a cheetah catching up to its prey. “Now, Mr. Rose, I’ll let you off with a warning if you–”
“Hold the front door and drop the act, Tia!” Her eyes widened at the mention of her pet name. “You know what I am and how I got here, and I think I sure as hell know how you got that black eye!” She took a step back and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but closed it shortly after.
Celestia Lowered her head and released an exasperated sigh. “Alright you win,” She said her voice quiet and calm. She startled me with the light of her horn, the door magically swung shut behind her.
“How di–”
“I’ll explain everything shortly… now sit.” I complied and sat on the bed. “Lee,” She said standing in front of me. “I don’t know how you got here.”
I leaned forward and folded my hands. “You’re lying,” I said right off the bat.
“Now what makes you think that?” She asked with a straight poker face as she ruffled her wings in a strange way.
“Because I remember in my sub conscious state, somebody was telling you not to interfere with me.”
Her expression didn’t change. “Lee, you were hurt when I found you, badly.”
“Your story isn’t adding up, dear… why was I hurt?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know a wild animal maybe. A guard found you outside the castle gates shambling like a zombie. Instead of striking you down like most of the guards are trained to do when somepony doesn’t listen to them, she instead went and got me.”
She was hiding something from me. A wild animal? Did she take me for a fool? The wound on my head seems like nothing compared to what a wild animal would do. Even the tear in my jacket doesn’t look like a tear from a claw. I decided to go along with it anyways. “Okay, but that doesn’t explain the black eye.”
“A cork shot me in the eye at the ball.”
I snorted. “Fucking seriously?”
She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Laugh all you want, it was rather embarrassing at the time but I got over it.”
“Okay then, eh… well. If…” I didn’t know how to continue the conversation, my mind began to draw a blank as I tried to think of what to bring up next. “Why did that maid from earlier, Grace, see me as another horse but not as a human?”
“Well that’s an easy question to answer, Lee.” Celestia sat back on her haunches. “Do you believe in magic?”
“Depends, what we are talking about here? Card tricks, a box that everything you put in disappears?” Celestia smiled and with a flash of her horn she was gone, only to reappear in an instant right beside me on the bed.
“I was thinking more on the lines of, teleportation, conjuration–”
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” I fell back and rolled off the bed, I landed on my back. Causing a second wave of pain to explode throughout my body making me cry out and bring tears to my eyes.
“Oh my, are you okay?” Celestia looked over the edge of the bed.
“You tell me…” I groaned as I rolled over onto my side and pushed myself up.
“You know you look a lot shorter since I last saw you.”
“Don’t even start with that.” I said recounting all the times my friends teased me back in High School and College because of my height. “How the hell did you do that?”
“Well magic of course.”
“That wasn’t magic…”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Oh really than what was it?”
I placed a hand over the spot I landed on as I stood back up. “I don’t know… witchcraft or something.”
“Witchcraft is magic, Gun–”
“I told you not to call me by that, my name is Lee,” I said through clenched teeth growing even more agitated. I swear if I get called gun one more time I’m gonna punch something.
"S-sorry, I'm use to telling myself to call you Gun Rose.”
“You still haven’t answered my question.” I groaned trying to ease myself of the fresh pain that surged out of my head.
“Oh right, look under your collar.” I glanced down at my jacket and pulled back the collar, only to see my suit. “Your other collar, Lee.”
Taking off my Lion’s jacket I tossed it on the bed and undid the top button of my business suit and reached under my shirt. I felt something gently scrape across my fingers. “What the heck?” I grabbed the object which felt like a string. I pulled it out and noticed it was a necklace that had a small silver coin on the end of it. “Why didn’t I notice this earlier? What is this?” I looked at her, Celestia had a large smile on her face.
“It’s a necklace of course.”
“I can see that smartass, but what does this have to do with horses seeing me as one of them?” I asked now getting even more aggravated.
“It’s an enchanted necklace Discord, my sister and I created especially for you. It casts a magical force field around you. The castle staff that have low magical abilities will see and know you as Gun Rose, the princess’s personal unicorn butler. Where as anypony else off castle grounds will just see you as a normal pony. However, for higher beings such as myself we will see you for who you truly are.”
“Butler,” I gawked. “You’re saying I’m your personal butler?”
“In the meantime yes.”
“What if I don’t want to be your butler?”
“Well I did hear that the moon is rather nice this time of year.”
“What the fuck does that have to do with anything–?” The silver coin in my hand vanished in a single flash. Only to return, seconds later in my hand completely frozen and chilling my hand instantly to the very bone.
“Ah! Shit!” I flung the coin necklace to the ground and stuck part of my frozen hand in my mouth which had lost all its feeling. “Where the fuck did you take that thing, the North Pole?!”
“No, the moon,” She corrected me with her professional poker face. I swear she’d be a master poker player if she ever actually sat down for one.
“You’re kidding right?”
She looked at me with a deadpan expression.
No she wasn’t kidding, this bitch was fucking serious! This psychotic bitch was threatening to send me to the moon!
Celestia put a hoof to her mouth as she giggled. “I’m only messing with you, Lee. No, I would not send you to the moon. Do you honestly think I’m that heartless?”
“After that act, yes! Yes I do!” I said slightly panicked as I blew warm air on my cold hand. Slowly my nerves began to reactivate only to greet me with a throbbing pain.
“I can have fun too, Lee.”
“Ouch, well you have some fucked up sense of humor.” I grunted as I shook my hand trying to ignore the pain. But as I did that, I got an idea. Looking at the princess I asked her a question, “If you can teleport something all the way to the moon, why don’t you just teleport me back home?”
Her wings ruffled once again, as she looked at me with that straightest face. What the hell does that mean? “Well I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know where you live.”
I smiled. “United States of America, Dansville New York on Pine Street, teleport me there and I can walk the rest of the way home.” I explained and crossed my arms in satisfaction.
Celestia looked deep in thought seconds later she looked at me and shook her head. My heart dropped. “I’m sorry, Lee, but I don’t know where America is at.”
“Wait what do you mean you don’t know where America is at?!”
“Lee, wherever you’re from, it’s obviously not from this world. In order for me to teleport something, or go somewhere, I must have been there. Or I must have a clear picture of said place.”
“Eh, okay.” I said growing uneasy. “That shouldn’t be too hard,” I began to check my jacket and my pockets. “If I can just find my phone, I can show you… dammit please don’t tell me I forgot it?!”
“There is one way.” Celestia said causing me to stop what I was doing.
“And what’s that?” I asked fully intrigued.
“If you give me some time… maybe a month, I’ll do all I can in order to find your world.” She said with a large, calm smile on her face as she rubbed her right leg with her other hoof.
“A-a month,” my mouth dropped open.
“Lee, magic is a very hard concept. Not even I can fully tame such a great beast; things like this must take time. It’s not like I can open a rift and stick my head through it and find your world right off the bat,” She explained.
“But what about my family, my job, CHRISTMAS?!” The thought of being away from my wife and daughter for such a long period of time terrified the hell out of me, let alone not being able to spend the happiest day of the year with them. “They might think I’ve gone missing, or worse, they might think I’m dead. They’ll be devastated!”
“I’m sorry, Lee, but it’s the best I can do. Trust me; this month will go by faster than you think.” She said in a calming tone.
“To you it might, but what about me?” My head began to ache the more my mind began to race. I winced and placed my hand against the fabric, which was now soaked. “Ah, shit I’m bleeding… when did that happen?”
“You must have reopened the wound when you fell…” Celestia said as she used her magic to conjure up another white cloth.
“Can’t you just use magic or something to fix it?”
Celestia sighed. “My sister and I already tried and it only had a minor effect–come here, and let me help you with that.” I approached her and sat down. “If there’s one thing I’ve already learned about you since you’re arrival is… you’re similar to the dragons.”
“Wait… what?! I’m part dragon?” They have fucking dragons?!
Celestia Chuckled. “Oh heavens no, far from it really, it’s hard to explain to be honest. What we have uncovered is… think of yourself like a sponge.” She frowned as she tried to think of a good way to explain this to me. Celestia unwrapped the soaked cloth that was around my head; I felt the cold sting of fresh air drifting across the open flesh.
Getting a small glimpse of myself in the mirror behind her, I noticed my once brown hair was a bloodied mess. A deep gash lined the right side of my head from the tip of my ear to the top of my forehead. Jesus how the hell am I even alive?
“A sponge,” Celestia finally said. “Can only hold so much water, and at some point needs to be squeezed… wait no. That doesn’t sound right, once a sponge fully fills up with water it needs to release–”
“Just stop, you’re only making it worse.” I said somewhat understanding what she’s trying to say. “You’re saying that magic doesn’t affect me that well.”
"Yes, I’m happy to see you’re figuring this out.” She smiled down at me and nodded. She continued, “Your body appears to be constantly absorbing it.” Celestia started to wrap the fresh cloth around my head.
“What happens when I need to release?” I said nearly face palming at how terrible that had sounded.
“I honestly don’t know…” She said. “Anything can happen really, if you want an example. My old student, Twilight Sparkle–” Twilight what?
“–had a magical outburst once, turned her parents into plants and nearly destroyed half of my school, but in the end she hatched a dragon.”
“Is that all?”
She shook her head. “Oh no, you can end up destroying everything around you, including yourself.”
“Well that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.”
Celestia continued, “You can end up teleporting across the planet.”
“I thought I would have to know where to go in order to do that?”
“As I said, magic is unpredictable.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well anyways, you can even end up turning into something else.”
“Oh shit.”
“Or even swapping gender.”
“Fuck you can do that?!” I almost pulled away from her in surprise.
Thankfully Celestia had just finished wrapping the cloth around my head. She pushed herself away and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘can we do that?’”
“Genderswap, you mean you have transsexuals?”
“Trans– What?” Celestia looked confused.
“Transsexual, a man who went through surgery to become a woman.” I quickly explained.
“Oh no, not at all there’s a special spell we have, which was discovered by my niece. It turns males into females and vice versa, it’s quite common now. Mostly used for well… I think you get the idea.” Celestia blushed.
“I take it you have experience, with this… spell?”
“Wh-What?! Oh, no I would never do such a horrendous act.”
“Then how do you know so much about it…?” I asked growing curious.
“I think this conversation is going a bit too far, so let’s talk about your wo–”
“No, no, no, you got me curious.” I scooched towards her. “And when I’m curious, I want to know. How do you know so much about gender swapping? Did you walk in on your niece or something, when she was having... you know some fun time with her boy friend or something?”
Celestia shifted uncomfortably in her spot. “You know that moon is looking pretty lonely.”
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Methinks Solar Flare had a bit of fun during the 1000 years that Luna was away.
Oh man, that ending cracked me up!
Also, that 'coin' wouldn't cool itself as fast as you portrayed it, but I'll bat an eye on that. After all we talking about the magical lady horse princess, laws of physics could be in toilet at that time.
Ahem
Mr. Rose, you are being a dick. Stop it.
Loving the story, man. (Or woman, depending on which you are. Is it sexist that people usually consider the people they find on the net a guy unless given information otherwise? I don't know. Sorry, off-topic.)
I find it really funny that there's this guy who's suddenly a butler in a land of talking horses. I wonder, though, if the actual Mr. Rose pony got kicked into the human world. Or is this guy just so drunk that he can't remember having an accident and spending three years in Equestria making a new life because he couldn't get home, thus forcing him to go through it all again...
Maybe I'm just too tired to see what's right in front of my nose. Either way, it doesn't matter. The story is awesome, that's all that matters.
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE
3576251 He dropped it... wait did I forget to add that?!
Dude, I think now is a good time to shut the fuck up about that spell.
Wait... He remembers a white form and his accident.
Why didn't he call her out on her going Slender Man on him?
HA, this is getting so funny. Next thing you know this will happen.
(can't get the image to show, but its called Nevermind, Scanner's back by bhiggo on deviant art)
Hm, seems Celestia has ulterior motives for keeping him there. Because it seems to me like she has been spying on him for a large part of his life, from what we can gather when he recalled the white form following him through his years.
So, she is basically lying to his face about the whole situation.
And did I detect a hint of brainwashing going on? It seems to me Celestia went into that room expecting our dear 'hero' to believe he was a pony by the name of Gun Rose a bit to readily. And when she got caught, tried to reaffirm this, only backing down when Lee used her pet name.
So, after reading that humans seem to become magic resistant after sucking up too much magic like a sponge, does this mean that Celestia and Luna tried to brainwash him into believing nothing was wrong? They already tried to make it appear like he was a pony, working there for several years, and as mentioned in the story, the healing spells they applied on him haven't really worked that well. This leads me to believe that they did in fact try this.
Why? You might ask. Well, I am not the author, so I can really only guess why they went to such an elaborate plan.
To put it simply, CELESTIA GUN' AND FUCKED UP.
She seems to have spent her time spying on Lee, probably to learn something maybe, I don't know. And now that he crashed into her, probably coming through the portal/viewing spell by accident, she doesn't know how to send him back. So that is probably why Tia and Lulu tried to make Lee think that he was a pony, so that he would, well.....be happy in his new life as a pony? I don't know, I've started rambling a bit here, I'm afraid.
Anyway, it looks like she doesn't know what to do, and is trying to minimize the damage she has caused by inadvertently using her powers like a toy to explore other worlds without taking things like something coming through into consideration.
But, that's all from me tonight. I like the story, and am waiting in eager anticipation to see where you are taking this in the future.
Malesur out!
3576272 I concur.
Hue.
I loved this chapter....Is Lee getting a bit 'Gender-Curious'?
I had a feeling that this sort of thing was going to come back and bite him in the butt. lol
Anywho, you've caught my interest so I'll track it. I'm surprised that Celestia didn't punish him right then and there for the way he talked to her in the beginning. Though if she did, she wouldn't be the Benevolent ruler that she is.
Keep up the good work.
Celestia can't send him to the moon, even if she wanted
Should be
"I laid there gazing up at the tan ceiling, mulling over what just happened, in my mind."
Mauling and mulling have very different meanings, and mulling is the appropriate one there. I assume that's probably just something that happened by accident while spell-checking. The comma is important because it is the difference between the thing happening in his head, and him mulling it over, and him mulling over what had just happened, but in his head as opposed to out loud.
Regardless, enjoying it so far. It could use a little more internal dialogue as to the reason behind some of his decisions, but if that isn't really in the character's nature, then don't worry about it.
There is only one reaction possible to this:
Gonna point out that a transvestite is someone who dresses like the opposite gender, the word you're looking for is transsexual.
3577732>>3577524 Thank you, two for correcting me I'll fix them right away.
3577651
Ikr! Lol! Same thing I thought! Loved this chapter, can't wait for another update!
Of course Cadence would be the one to figure out such a spell. Of course Celestia would be interested in what it does. Of course Twilight doesn't know because there are way to many women in that world and Dusk Shine is apparently quite attractive.
Also my empathy for the poor bastard after this:
I knew they were slavers.
It seems that every "neutral" chapter ends in a lighter moment which gets a couple of chuckles and even some laughter. Though it has been only two "neutral" chapters so...
Eww, that typo ewww... *your body, not you're.
3577524No, mauling is fine. He beats things up when he thinks. It makes for a more interesting story.
3579473
Brutality at its finest. What an interesting butler he will make.
3576975
Thanks for hueing with me! Here, have another: HUE
3576975>>3580381 HUE HUE HUE HEE
3583159
HUEHUE BRBR?
3580381 3583159 3583626
Dear Celestia, what have I done?
3585603
You can't escape the Hue.
3585603
Red, I think you broke the readers.
3585619 Tell me about it. Just like on Dota.
3585638 Eeeeeyup.
Well, I liked it. MORE!
3585677
Just like every game you play online. And I live in the source of the Hues.
3576251
Actually an object in an environment devoid of atmosphere (like the moon) would lose its ambient temperature very slowly. It would probably take hours for something the size of that coin to cool.
Anyway, loving the story so far, interested in seeing where you go with it.
3594515 I'm not a physicist so I don't know rates of heat dispersion, but I know that when there's nothing to transfer that heat too (gas, liquid), then that object won't frieze instantly, like they portray it in less accurate sci-fi movies, even if there's -150C "outside". That's why my comment was inexact.
Well now, Celestia is being a naughty princess! Good guys don't lie, Tia!
Also,
Karma?
Last line was great!
*urge to punch Celestia in the face, RISING!*
The moon ain't that bad... Well... Your not a Dead Space Marine, but still! It can't be that bad.
What in the hells was Celestia trying to prove with that little charade, and did he lose time or something? Cause this line:
Makes me think he's been around for a while