Today I Am A Monster

by Cloud Wander

Pathfinder 1

PATHFINDER

This way! This way! This way! Now now now! shouted the incessant nudges in his head as he flew across the badlands.

He followed their direction fearfully, hugging the nap of the earth, trying not to fly too high, which would attract attention, or too low, which would invite attacks from the ground.

Please don’t be a lie, he thought, desperately. Tears blurred his vision, but he flew on, heart and lungs and wings aching, just for the chance of escape.

I know I’m a bad pony. I know I don’t deserve this chance. I’ll be good, I promise, I swear, if only I can go back, even for a day. I will give my life for one good day among friends.

Celestia! Good goddess! Please! I am yours forever, for this one boon!

He saw where he was headed. Ghastly Gorge. Of course. He hoofed tears and sweat from his eyes and plunged on. This way! This way! Now!

And then he saw it. Despite his fatigue, despite his fear and longing and shame, he looked down and saw the gateway, a glowing form, a smear of light in the fierce shadow of the Gorge. He felt awe.

Another world! There, right there! If only I can get there before it disappears!

And before the bats kill me.

Once upon a time, he had heard, there were giants that occupied Ghastly Gorge, mighty worms of the earth that had carved their burrows out of the living rock and lived their strange lives in vast caverns and halls under the skin of the land. Surely, they had lived, loved and cared for their young, in their fashion.

The bats had devoured them all.

The bats were mad things, driven not by hunger or rage or any comprehensible instinct. They flew in great clouds, driven by an insane need to rend and tear and kill. And the deep caverns of Ghastly Gorge were now their homeland.

So it was not surprising, as he bulleted heedlessly towards the glimmering light, that the caves exploded in darkness.

If I don’t make it, he thought, let them take me. I won’t live one minute longer in this sad world.

He couldn’t see any more. His eyes were clouded with tears. The light was so far. The swarm of bats hurtled towards him, swelling the darkness as they came.

He dove and reached out. Let me just touch it. Just touch a better world, for an instant.

So near.

And then the bats were upon him, on his legs, his back, leather wings gripping, smothering….

***

He awoke with a start, terrified. “Get off me!” he shouted, throwing the suffocating blanket to the floor.

He stamped on his blades and spun about, searching the shadows for threats, panting with fear, heart racing.

Okay. I’m okay. I can handle this. I can take them. Calm down. Focus.

There was a knock. His head came up. He tensed to flee. Or fight.

“Mister Pathfinder?” asked Derpy Hooves, quietly. “Are you okay?”

Derpy. It’s Derpy. Don’t hurt her. Calm down.

“Yes. I’m okay, thank you, Derpy,” he said with deliberate calm, slowly stepping out of his blades.

“There’s oatmeal, if you want some,” she said. She tapped lightly against his door.

Ponyville. I’m in Ponyville. I’m okay. His heart finally began to slow.

“Thank you, Derpy,” he said. “That sounds very nice. I’m sorry if I upset you. You are a good pony.”

“Okay. Hurry now! Don’t let it get cold!” Derpy’s hooves retreated.

Pathfinder inhaled and let it out, shuddering. I stink, of dung and sweat and fear. A shower then. Come on, get up, you worthless clot.

The Pony Express station had two tiny stalls for couriers. Each consisted of a floor, a ceiling, four walls and a bunk. One wall was striped with a rainbow. The opposite wall displayed a tiny window and a small notice: “Please leave this room as clean as you found it. Thanks!” Smiley face.

Pathfinder thought it was nicest place he’d slept in years.

The shower was cold. There was a hot water tap, but he ignored it. Don’t get comfortable, idiot. That’s how they’ll trap you. He shook himself dry.

He walked back to the courier stall, braced the door shut with the bunk’s frame, lifted the mattress and took out his blades. He cleaned and oiled them, tested them to verify that they would lock tightly into the slots in his fore shoes. He rotated them with the other blades he concealed in his courier jacket, and stowed the second pair under the mattress. Then he pulled on his jacket, checking the inner pockets for his other hidden weapons and devices. He looked around nervously and drew out his strongbox. The outer and inner telltales were still in place. Inside were weapons, ammo, medpaks, stimpaks, maps, other gear. The little packet of D’s letters. Everything seemed to be where he had left it.

He locked his strongbox, reset the telltales and slid it all back under his bunk. Into the dark.

Got to do something about that, he thought, looking, in his mind, at the strongbox. Hiding something under the bed. A child’s trick. Stupid.

I’ve been in Equestria, this Equestria for five months. I’ve settled in Ponyville for three. I live out of this stall, but it’s not mine. Sooner or later, Mr. Packet or Derpy will start to ask questions, or just get curious. And they might find my stuff.

Then they’d know me for what I am. And then I might have to hurt them.

I’ve got to get a place of my own. Some place where I can hide my stuff. Where I can sleep in safety. Near my blades.

He took a deep breath. For a little while, pretend you aren’t a monster, he thought. He shook himself and forced a smile.

Oatmeal sounds good.

***

DERPY

She loved the early morning hours in the Pony Express office because she was in charge! Important! Not much mail came in, so early in the day, but there was always last night’s mail to sort and think about.

Town Hall had its own bag. Red-banded letters (most important!) came through every other day. She was extra careful with them.

The Apple Family mailbag had its own place. So many letters and postcards! Worse, so many packages that smelled of apples and cloves and cinnamon and exotic spices! She felt a little guilty, sniffing at the packages, but they all smelled so good!

Oh my! The Carousel Boutique must be having a sale or something! Look at all the letters to Miss Rarity! Wow! She is something special!

I like her. I wish she would talk to me, sometime, she thought wistfully.

Ugh! Big boxes of books. For the Library, of course. That Miss Sparkle, Derpy thought. So smart! She made a note to schedule a delivery by the big teamster ponies.

There! Done! All the mail sorted and ready to go! She smiled.

Then Mister Pathfinder stalked into the Pony Express ready room. The big blue roan pegasus glanced around, nodding to her. He smiled his strange, sad smile.

Mister Pathfinder looked into the pot of oatmeal, drew a bowl out of the overhead cupboard, then scooped out a glop. He sat at the ready room counter, eating slowly, ignoring the sugar and syrup bottles in front of him.

“Good morning, Mister Pathfinder,” Derpy said cheerily.

“Good morning, Derpy,” Mister Pathfinder said gravely. “And, again, it’s just ‘Pathfinder.’”

“Okay, Mister Pathfinder,” she said, giggling.

She liked Mister Pathfinder. He was big and a little scary, but he was always polite and kind to her.

Once, after a long day when she and Mister Pathfinder had been working to clean and inventory the storerooms, they had sat together, dusty, sweaty, tired and laughing. He had looked at her, smiling wearily, and said, “You are so much like what I imagine your sister was, when she was alive.” And then he had startled, ducked his head as if ashamed and rushed away, and never explained what he meant.

(She had talked to Ditzy after that. Ditzy said she didn’t know Mister Pathfinder at all. Strange.)

Still, Mister Pathfinder was a good courier. When he was in station, he collected all of the letters to Canterlot and was faster than that old train.

(Okay, Derpy liked the train. Wow! Just going along, clickety-clack, clickety-clack! Wasn’t that great? She loved to stick her head out the window and shout, woo-woo! She would ride the train all the way to Cloudsdale if she could!)

Mister Pathfinder carried the mail from Las Pegasus to Baltimare without complaint. He had even carried packets as far as the Shetland Islands and the Griffon Lands. And to the Tartarus Gate, which Derpy thought was a super-scary place and was glad to not have to go there.

He is brave and strong, she thought. I wonder if he likes honey and butter?

She nudged the plate of honeycomb and the plate of butter towards Mister Pathfinder. He shrank away. She nudged a bit more. He withdrew some more. She nudged a bit more.

“I’m going to make you enjoy breakfast,” she declared impishly. “Like it or not.”

Mister Pathfinder finally ducked his head and grinned. “All right, all right,” he said amiably. He added a pat of butter and a small dollop of honey to his oatmeal. He tasted the result. “S’good,” he admitted.

“Yay!” she beamed. Derpy helped herself to a big bowl of oatmeal, raisins, pine nuts and maple syrup.

Mister Pathfinder finished his bowl, licking it clean. He stood, walked over to the little basin, washed the bowl and put in back in the cupboard.

“There’s more,” Derpy said.

“Best leave it. Perhaps some other pony will want some,” said Mister Pathfinder.

“Then we can make more,” she said reasonably. “There’s always more.”

Mister Pathfinder stood silently, his tail to her. “Not always. Not for everypony,” he said, at last. “If I get hungry, I’ll crop the grass. I’ll go get my bag. Thank you for breakfast, Derpy. You are a good pony.”

As she munched her breakfast, she watched Mister Pathfinder examining the sorted mail. He collected the Canterlot post, of course; he knew Canterlot was important. He looked over the rest, then stopped.

“The Everfree?” he asked, looking up, displaying a small bag. “The Wild Lands?”

She nodded. “We have friends in the Everfree Forest. Miss Zecora lives there. Oh, she is so nice. And that funny Mister Magnet lives there, too. He and Rarity are pen pals.

“But, Mister Pathfinder, it’s a long way from Canterlot to the Forest. Don’t worry about it; I’ll take it.”

“NO!” The big blue roan stormed at her, angrily. “No! You are not to enter the Wild Lands! Ever! Do you hear me? I will take this!”

She shrank down as Mister Pathfinder stood over her. Eeep! she thought.

Then his gaze softened. “Derpy… I’m sorry but, please, never place yourself in danger. You are a good pony. And there are things I can do that a good pony can’t.”

Mister Pathfinder collected his bags and left without a further word or backward glance.

But, Mister Pathfinder, she insisted silently, you are a good pony.

***

NAMELESS

The first time he had crossed over had been a miracle.

He was originally from Hailcrest, this little village up north, near the waste of the old Crystal Empire before its return. He and his Pa and Ma had worked collecting rain seeds and snow crystals for Cloudsdale. It was hard work, but they got by okay.

Both his Pa and Ma were Earth Ponies. He was a pegasus. As a colt, he couldn’t understand why Pa was so cold to him or why Ma looked at him with shame. I’ll do better, you’ll see! he promised them. You’ll be proud of me. Maybe, you’ll like me. But nothing he did was ever enough.

He had always had this knack for direction. He never got lost and, better, if he thought for awhile, he’d get these nudges that said, Go there, that way!, even when he didn’t know where he was going or why.

He asked Pa about it once, but Pa had smacked him hard for it. “Don’t get above yourself, boy!” So he didn’t ask again. Ma, she had told him not to make Pa angry, so he had done his best to be a good colt, work hard and be quiet.

One day, in summer, he wished to go some place fun. He knew it was wrong of him to wish that; Ma and Pa relied on him so much, particularly after Pa’s back started to pain him. But still, he had thought, it would be nice to find some place beyond work, someplace fun, just for a day.

Hey, this way! This way! his nudges called, irresistibly. And that summer morning he abandoned the fields of cloud and mountain fog to follow something he didn’t understand.

He flew south, south, south, further from home than he had imagined he could go. He knew that Pa would beat him when he got home and that Ma would be disappointed in him again, but he still felt that there was something important, something urgent, right there beyond the horizon, if he could only reach it in time.

Then, there, on the far horizon: Canterlot. The castle pennants flowed in the breeze. The walls glowed in the light of late afternoon. His heart soared.

But Canterlot was not his destiny.

In the dusk, between the moment that Celestia’s Sun fell and Her Moon arose, the first gateway opened for him.

Here! Here! Now now now! exclaimed his nudges.

A pane of light, pink, purple and white, appeared in the gathering dark. He flew towards its warm light.

Here! Now!

He put his head down and, trusting, flew into the gateway and was lost to the world for many years.

***

He sat quietly, terrified of her judgement.

Kimono’s teahouse was in a tiny glade near a small pond. Frogs beeped, dragonflies buzzed. The afternoon Sun glanced down at them. An ancient plum tree shaded them. The teahouse was immaculate, as if prepared just for him. Kimono entered, smiled and bowed.

Kimono moved through the tea ceremony like a dancer, grace in every motion. The ladle is here, then here. The water, the fire, the pot, the tea, the whisk, the cup, just so. She scarcely seemed to touch them, but they all obeyed her will.

The two of them sat, enclosed, in the tiny teahouse, where he could not retreat from her gaze.

When she had, at last, offered him a small, clay cup of green liquid, he had accepted it gently, as if it cradled his soul.

He sipped his tea. As did she. Then, she spoke.

“Little Pathfinder, welcome,” she said, smiling. “‘Pathfinder’ I name you, for you have found your way to my house.

“I see that you are unlike my sisters and brothers, for you have wings. Astonishing! Not the wings of our dear cousins, the Breezies, but the wings of the mighty eagles, falcons and griffons that adorn our mountains.”

Kimono regarded him carefully. “You are not of this world,” she said, at last.

He hung his head. “No. No, I’m not. It was not my intention upset anypony….”

Kimono laughed heartily. “But, of course, you have upset everypony! Even as we sit here, Pinkie Pie and Minty scheme to lure you into their contest of Pink and Green! Razzaroo and Sparkleworks are in deep discussion about how best to welcome you! Why, even level-headed Wysteria and Rainbow Dash are excited by your appearance and the implications for Equestria.”

Kimono smiled. “Do not be embarrassed. You bring challenge and joy to Ponyville, and for that, we are all grateful.”

Pathfinder (I am Pathfinder! he thought eagerly) blushed. “If I can help anypony….”

Kimono set aside her cup and looked into his eyes. Her gaze was fierce. Looking into her eyes was like facing a terrible headwind and he could only cower before it.

“The book of the world is large,” Kimono said. “This world, this Equestria, is but one leaf of the Great Book of Harmony. I have thought on this. It humbles me, but it provides me with strength and wisdom.

“Know this, my Pathfinder: the pages of the Great Book are broad, but they are thin. Some few ponies have the knack of finding the thin places and can travel from world to world. You could not imagine their adventures or the joy they have brought here! Oh, if only you could meet Wind Whistler! She could guide you better than I!

“I have the gift and curse of foresight. I can see a little ways down the trail you must trod. Steel yourself: your road is hard beyond my understanding. But, also, have faith: I think you will also know joy and peace, if only you can persevere.”

Kimono was then interrupted. Three tiny ponies, each no larger than Pathfinder’s hoof, suddenly burst into Kimono’s teahouse and danced around Pathfinder's head.

“See! Here he is!” exclaimed Honey Dew. “Told you! Isn’t he handsome?”

“Wings! Big Wings! Ha ha ha! Can you fly?” asked Blue Belle excitedly, flipping upside-down.

“Of course he can!” declared Whoopsie Daisy, brushing up against Pathfinder’s cheek. “Brother! Big Brother! Hay! Do you want to go on an adventure with us? Honey Dew thinks she can find the best strawberries in the land! Do you want to come with us and see? Please?”

Pathfinder gathered the three tiny ponies out of the air, entranced by the Breezies’ eager friendship.

Kimono chuckled. “Perhaps this is best. Go with them, my Pathfinder, then return to me with your story.

“Know this: you will have a place here, until you desire to depart. And before you go, I will have one last lesson to give you. In the meantime: learn about life!”

Comments

[Cloud Wander]

I wrote this for Equestria Daily's "Nightmare Night" event. I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with "pony horror." But I thought it was time at last to finish this story and let others judge.

I'm breaking all of my self-imposed rules here. "Pathfinder" is a self-insert. I hope no one will think I am trivializing the terror of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Seriously, it was hell to live with. I'm fine now, but there was a time in my life when I collected weapons and carefully considered what booby-traps I could set around my house.

I vowed to never do crossovers, and yet here I find Pathfinder moving from world to world, from his home, to G3 Ponyville and to... well, the next land.

I admit I'm not very good at writing horror stories. But this is my own, personal horror story.

[Bad Horse]

A sad crossover by Cloud Wander? What is this madness?

[Cloud Wander]

3309463
Well, it's about Nightmare Night and the things that haunt us. I'm just glad to get this story out of my system, frankly.

[Bad Horse]

3309502 I'm eager to see what you do with it. Don't hold back. Were you in the military? I just asked my 700 closest friends and minions to follow you, despite the appalling lack of evil in your stories.

[RainbowBob]

This story. It pleases me. Looking forward to more.

[Adin Terim]

When I saw this on the new story list I thought it sounded interesting and put it on my read later list (probably to be forgotten about ), but then I saw Bad Horse's blog post and decided to read it now. I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed reading through this and am looking forward to more.

[Cloud Wander]

3309592
I think that's my new signature: "Cloud Wander: an appalling lack of evil."

[InMyMind]

You have captured my interest.

[PresentPerfect]

I am way into this. :D I have needed this for a while.