• Member Since 2nd Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 25th, 2019

Golden Skies


I'm just a writer trying to perfect his craft. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Je parle français et parlo italiano.

T

One morning I wake up to discover that I now share a body with Apple Fritter. After seeing just how cruel the world can be to the newly transformed ponies, me and my friends set out on a journey to assist ponies throughout the Western Hemisphere.

Part of Pony Earth Verse
Cover Art made by the Amazing: 1998alberto
The latest info regarding the story can be found in this blog post        HERE .

List of Characters: Apple Fritter, Red Delicious, Babs Seed, Silver Spoon, Apple Cider
Rated Teen for somewhat mild violence, and (if you can read foreign languages) occasional strong language.
Please, if you are going to up vote or down vote at least PM or comment telling me why so I can learn what I need to do better. Thank You.

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 163 )

Recommendation: don't post all of your chapters at once

3335738

I was going to only post the first two, but then I thought about how a lot of the P.E.V. stories only have the first two chapters posted and then they are updated again, so I decided to post all of the completed ones simply to show people that such will not be the same for my story. In the future I will wait to have my editor take a look at the chapters first though.

Great job on the story so far, Fritter is my second favorite apple:pinkiehappy:

"Um, Noah is that really you,"
"Um, Noah... Is that really you?":twilightsmile:

--- I am a Page Break. Ignore Me---
rofl :derpytongue2:

3335920

Thanks! :twilightsmile: I was curious as to why you favorited the story almost exactly when I posted it. Seeing as your an Apple Fritter fan may I ask if you know of any fanon surrounding her? I've looked around, but I can't find anything so I just want to make sure that I'm not forgetting anything important.

3335925

Thanks for the tip! In addition to commas, my next greatest enemy is writing dialogue.:twilightblush:

what sounded like a gun caulking
"cocking". caulking is silicone.:pinkiehappy:

3335956

Thanks for catching that! :twilightsmile:

3335943 Apple Fritter is a member of the Apple Family and was the 1st of Applejack's family to be introduced to Twilight Sparkle in the Pilot episode, Mare in the Moon.

She appears in the Canterlot wedding part 1, helping AJ with food preparation for the wedding reception.

Then I saw her at the apple family reunion, making apple fritters and then helping fix up the barn.

I think she's Applejack's cousin, which makes her also kin to Babs Seed, Big McIntosh, Braeburn, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom.

3336322

Uhh, I think she meant fanon, not canon. It's fairly obvious that every member of the apple family are related.

I don't seem to know any stories using Apple Fritter as a character long enough to give her a specific personality, so, be the first to give her a soul for herself.

Despite starting off generically, I thought the twists you pulled were enjoyable. For example, our main character doesn't try to tell anyone about his situation - instead he just bolts off. That's actually kinda funny. :rainbowlaugh: Yes, there are some minor errors here and there, but overall I think it's an acceptable start. If you're going to do some editing, I would suggest maybe adding in some more details about his realization, or maybe not have him learn how to walk so quickly.

Much like the first chapter, my only problem was the pacing and real lack of description.

That scene where they went inside of Noah's house is probably the best example of how rushed this story is. I know it was supposed to be a confusing scene, but I didn't even get a slight indication as to what was going on. Also, when they met Sam, you described him as a male pony, yet later he said he doesn't want Noah to see him in this 'female body.' So, despite the fact that I like the progression of this story, you really do need to go back and fix some of these mistakes.

This chapter was better than the others, as it felt like the pacing issue was finally resolved. The scene at the Wal-Mart was obviously the best part, for basic reasons. Again, I was confused when you said Sam is a male pony (I am now going to assume he as a magic Y chromosome that constantly changes to an X) but for the most part it was good.

3371895

Thank you I'm glad you liked it so far! :twilightsmile:
I am having Lyrasander (who is AWESOME at what s/he does) help me with some editing tips for the first chapter and so it should be edited soon. I will probably take your advice on adding more detail since, I wasn't entirely happy with how it was first written. Thank you for the feedback, it really helps a LOT.

3373285

I will work on editing it before I post another chapter most likely. Thank you for the feedback! :twilightsmile:

3373315

Lyrasander (who is still AWESOME) told me something similar. I will work on maybe adding to that part so it is from Liz's point of view so there can be some more detail. With the whole 'female body' thing I was going for him describing it as feminine due to it being My Little Pony; I will make sure to go back and edit that so it is less confusing. Thank you for all the feedback it is exactly what I was really hoping I could get.

3371460

*he; although I suppose in the context of this story it it she...
Thank you for the info on Apple Fritter, I'm glad that I don't have to work over any fanon. I do have to work with the canon given by Hasbro though... Also, if I may ask, would you mind giving a little feedback on the story; just so I can get multiple opinions?
3373500
Ha, if the real Sam read that comment I would pay SO much money to see his reaction. :rainbowlaugh: I'm glad that you thought this chapter was better; I had two people look over it so I'm glad that it looks better. I will work editing that Sam part though. You have been a LOT of help though, thank you! :twilightsmile:

two drunk men knocked out cold who appeared to of have been robbed

We seem to of have forgotten about food for the most part
it should be "have", not "of have", lol

I suppose I probably should of have been more concerned about what might happen
*have been
:ajsmug:

-I am the all mighty page break! Fear my transitioning powers!-
rofl!:rainbowlaugh:

3396306
:rainbowderp: Yep... Seems legit...

3396325
Thanks for pointing out those errors, I will (hopefully) remember to fix them...

This chapter was good, but I think it dragged a little too long. For example, the reveal of how most of the ponies are being treated was powerful, but then it ran on a tad too long when the other characters read the article. Then we had repeats of their expressions, and the thoughts of all our characters were the same, and it got boring real fast.

Comment posted by Samaru163 deleted Oct 29th, 2013

3413738

That's kind of what I was worried was going to happen. Do you think it would it work better if I got rid of Sam's reaction or do you think I would also have to cut out some of Liz's reaction as well? I'd like the readers input on this.

3414046 Yeah, cutting down on the information we already know might be good.

3414082

Thank you. I will try to fix that problem when I edit the chapter later this week. :twilightsmile:

3414162 No problem, just trying to see a story made to it's fullest potential.

Er

uh...

I don't think it works like this....

Then again, every mind is unique.

3440319

It will all make sense soon.:pinkiecrazy:

This chapter was confusing. The dream sequence was sort, singular sentences, and began too many sentences with the word 'I'. This made the first half of the chapter hard to follow, and deciphering what was going on near impossible. The awake parts were slightly better, but were completely rushed. The events that were being explained seem important, but with the pacing and lack of description, it makes figuring it out a chore.

Again, sorry if this seems harsh - I don't intend it to. I just really want to see your story work.

3440599

No, I understand. Overall the entire chapter was a bit rushed because, my editor was needing to get some sleep and I wanted to make sure that I posted a chapter on the day I said I was. I will most likely come back and edit the whole chapter and fix some of the pacing issues in a few days. In the future I will also try to start working on each chapter earlier so that everything is better paced. I'm glad that you continue to help me in this endeavor though. :twilightsmile:

This chapter's main problem is the repetition. By the second half of the chapter we were just going over the previously established elements of the ponies being inside the persons' heads. Plus, the internal dialogue is very confusing. There is no difference between who is speaking, since they are both in italics and have apostrophes around them. This confuses readers as to who is saying what.

3503894

Repetition seems to be one of my main problems, but I'm not sure how I can totally fix it in this chapter since me, and the others are separated from each other at the beginning of the chapter, do you by any chance have any ideas? :unsuresweetie:

I will fix it so Fritters lines will be in brackets, so that it is less confusing hopefully.

Out of curiosity, since you're really good at catching stuff like repetition, and general errors in my story; would you be interested in maybe being a prereader for me?

They misspelled it to what? :rainbowhuh:

3507146

I'm sorry. I'm sort of confused as to what you're referring to here, could you be a bit more specific?

3508455

Just pointing out a misspelling. When you write "They misspelled it to" you should write "They misspelled it too."

3509950

Ah, okay. I saw what you were pointing out, thanks! :twilightsmile:

May I ask what you think of the story so far?

3513563

Hmm, it could use a little more exposition about Noah. What he does, what he likes, what INTERESTS he has, what's in his MAGIC CHEST etc. The bad guys are not very well done either, mostly a failure of the "show not tell" doctrine. Like you said "They fit the very image of a redneck stereotype" but instead of explaining that to us, you could describe the image in which they fit. I dunno, bad teeth, bow legged, wife beater wearing walking out of a trailer home sort of stuff. Few odd things seemed stiff like the manager said "your kind" and I guess that's reasonable but it would be meaner if he said "you things" instead. "Your kind" usually refers to a lifestyle rather than a physical form.
Seems odd he'd wake up as a pony, instead of the usual way this enchantment seems to end: cutie mark, hair, tail, hooves, etc. But the changes go at varying rates for different authors, and maybe his birthday was like, right after he brushed his teeth or something and 8 hours was enough to go through the whole rigamarole in his sleep. It's a mite shorter than the several days it took AJ and Dash to change.

3514428

Oh my, that's a lot of helpful information, thank you! :twilightsmile:

In regards to the changes, I think you might have my story confused with the Five Score Divided by Four universe. This one is part of the Pony Earthverse universe.

3517261

Oh sorry. I could have sworn that there was a part at the beginning where Discord expositioned about how Apple Fritter was one of the last ponies to escape his clutches. I must have got one story and another confused. Earthverse then!:twilightblush:

3517261i am ready. so hype. talking to babs now. my plans. and i will help look at it. :pinkiecrazy:

Not sure I can comment anymore, since I'm also editing this. Oh well, here we go.

This chapter was pretty good. I enjoyed learning some more about just what this merger of pony and person means on a technical level. Plus, Sam's story was rather interesting - and tragic. Though, is it just me, or does everyone in this world seem to react with guns as their first answer to a problem. I'm Canadian, and as such don't really know about life in the states.

3534412

Do continue to comment. :twilightsmile: I'm glad you did enjoy the chapter.

On the whole 'guns & violence' thing, it's not the whole world, unfortunately though, it is a good majority of the world, especially here in the states, and even more so in the southeastern and midwestern states. :ajsleepy:

Of course I should probably stop talking before I say something and start a political debate.... :rainbowderp:

Looking forward to the day I move to Canada! :yay:

3534583 I am hoping to have Silver Spoon help reunite Babs Seed with some of her pony relatives in future chapters. That would be nice to have Babs meet up with her cousins Apple Bloom and Applejack.

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