Canterlot Inbox

by MDNGHTRDHTLN

Chapter Eight: The Perfect Date

“Hello, and welcome to another episode of Canterlot Inbox! I am your host, Rainbow Dash, and with me is the wonderful Rarity, who may or may not be drunk again!”

“Hello.”

“Rares, are you wasted?”

“Not as much as last time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uh...yes?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter. The drunker the better, I always say.”

“Remind me never to take advice from you when it comes to alcohol.”

“Will do. Anyways, our first question comes from JoBrony, who asks: ‘Dear Rainbow Dash and Rarity, Rainbow, there have been rumors going around that since you confirmed that rainbows are spicy, is your mane spicy? Rarity, are you a marshmallow?’ I...don’t know if my mane is spicy. Let me see...no it’s not. It just tastes like hair. So, Rarity, are you a marshmallow?”

“I don’t think so…”
“Good enough for me! Next question comes from Aqua Shimmer, who asks: ‘Dear Rainbow, would your rather have sex with Soarin or Spitfire? (P.S. There is no boths for this question.)’ I’d rather fuck Spitfire, because if I wanted cock, then Spitfire could get, like, a strap-on. I’d get the best of both worlds.”

“Very wise.”

“Next question comes from Joel11, who asks: Dear ‘Rairity what are your feelings toward Spike P.S He likes you’. So, Rarity what are your feelings towards Spike? Just so you know, he likes you.”

“Spike is a close friend of mine. What he feels is a crush. I can tell, because he can’t find anything wrong with me. We’ve talked about it.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. It went over pretty well with him, I think. Better than the other times I let boys down. In the past, there’s been...there’s been screaming, crying, a little bit of fetal position, too, I think...I’m a fucking monster.”

“That’s, uh...great? Next question comes from Razalon, who asks: ‘Dear CI team, Rainbow Dash - Oh no, I'm so scared. There's no way I could withstand all that torture you described last week. I mean, it's not like I have the power of psychokinesis at my command and can retune my body to adapt to literally anything it's subjected to. *munches on Fluttershy's spinach casserole dinner* And how am I supposed to find love when, like I said, I'm stranded here on this planet and there's not another one of my species with me? Rarity - Seeing how you're the more civilized pony there tonight, I'll grace you with a real question. Or rather, three questions. 1. What is your birthstone? 2. If you could swap bodies with any of your closest friends, who would it be and why? 3. Which of these faces are you most proud to have made?’ Well, Raz, I think it’s time we break out the straightjackets with ya, buddy. But, you asked a question, so I’m gonna answer it. This is how you take a girl out on the perfect date, no matter your race. Trust me, I speak from experience.”

“Oh, boy. If only I had popcorn.”

“So! The first part of any great date is what you wear. Everyone likes business casual. Sweaters, polos, and jeans are a great way to go. For me, it’s a blue argyle sweater, light blue polo, some black jeans, and maybe some hipster frames in there for good measure. And yes, I buy clothes for girls. They make sweaters for girls.”

“Everyone loves hipster frames.”

“Everyone! Next thing is the dinner. You wanna go somewhere classy, somewhere nice. Try your local Olive Garden. Now, you need to make an entrance. This might be the most important part. See, you need theme music. For me, it’s Sabaton’s Ghost Division. As soon as I enter the restaurant, that’s what starts playing for me. Now, after dinner, you go see a movie. You’re gonna go see the first Predator movie, because that’s the greatest movie of all time, and if your date doesn’t like it, then your date should no longer be your date. You got me? Now, this is the other most important part. If you’ve done everything right so far, you should now be to the end zone. You’re gonna fuck, got it? Now, what you’re gonna do is you’re going to trace small little lines over your partner’s body, all the way down to their vagina. Or their dick, I dunno, whatever works for you. This’ll get your partner really primed, you know? Now, you’re gonna play the ‘just the tip’ game, and tease them a bit. Then...you start fucking.”

‘Well, then.”

“Yep! Your turn.”

“Alright then. My birthstone is turquoise, I’d like to swap with Pinkie so I could learn how in the hell she does what she does, and my favorite face is the third one. It gets the best nervous reactions.”

“Alrighty then! Next question comes from Duke of Canterlot, who asks: ‘RD and Rarity, if you had to be one of the other ponies in the Mane Six for a day, which pony would you pick and why?’ I feel like a schizophrenic billionaire alien asked this before somewhere. Anyways, I’d want to be Twilight. I’d use that magic and those wings to do whatever I wanted!”

“I don’t know if I should be supportive or worried. And I already answered this one, like, twenty seconds ago.”

“That’s it for this episode of Canterlot Inbox! See you next week!”

Author's Note:

I'm sorry I couldn't do this yesterday, I had a lot going on this past week. Please don't hate me.

Next week, your hosts will be Princesses Celestia and Luna! They need your questions, rules have been updated, so make sure to read through them again.

Comments

[Razalon The Lizardman]

3530115 And what would I get in return?

[i_heart_oc]

Dear Luna,
What did you do to pass the time on the moon?
Dear Celestia,
You and your sister are awesome.

[MDNGHTRDHTLN]

3613556 Please leave questions for the hosts on the blog post linked in the description. Otherwise, your question will not get answered.

[MDNGHTRDHTLN]

3613556 Also, make sure to favorite the story, so you're alerted when a new chapter is up.

[JoBrony]

...I still think Rarity is a wasted marshmallow..

[the one guy on the left]

356706How about i don't tell the c.p.d. that you have income from a questionable source? Nah, I'm kidding you get a plasma pistol in three months of funding act now and we'll throw in a brand new shiv! it shoots lazers like a dilek also with a extra $50 million we can also make it sound like one call now!

[Wavy Waters]

I'm sad this fic is dead I was really looking forward to the Luna and Celestia chapter