Chapter One: Pilot
“Tia! Hey, Tia!” Luna shouted the halls of the palace in Canterlot.
“Yes, sister?” Celestia responded. She was getting in to a very interesting article in Science Monthly about the effects of water on a petunia sandwich (it enhances flavor! Celestia would have to try that one later) when her sister interrupted her.
“Two things: one, I’m your sister, not your business partner. You can drop the ‘Yes, sister?’, okay?” she said in an eerily accurate impression of Celestia.
Celestia shook her head. “I never thought you’d take fitting in this far, Loony,” remembering her pet name for Luna during their childhood. A rather accurate nickname, considering that whole kerfuffle with Nightmare Moon and such a few years back.
“I take being a normal pony very seriously,” she returned.
Celestia gave her sister an incredulous look. “Loony, we have wings and a horn, are about three times as large as a fully-grown stallion, live about a hundred times longer than the average pony if we want to, and have manes that look like we ripped the sky’s hair off and glued it to our heads.”
“So? I can at least try.”
“I guess you can. But you didn’t come to argue about mail, did you?”
“Nope. Have you been down to the Royal Mailroom lately?”
“Not since the whole Corporeal Shadow business about two months ago, no.” A story for another time.
“Well, we have a fuck-ton of mail.”
“Can you maybe quantify the term ‘fuck-ton’ for me?”
“Think of the biggest number you can think of.”
She thought of infinity. Everypony knew that that was the biggest number around. “Got it,” she confirmed.
“Now multiply it by infinity.”
That is a large number. “Fuck, that is a ton of mail. Oh. Oh, I see. Fuck-ton. Clever, Luna. Clever.”
“I know, right? What are we supposed to do about it?”
“Excuse me?” A pink princess wandered into the room.
“Hey, Cadence,” Celestia greeted her.
“Hey. So, I heard you two have a bit of a mail problem?”
“There’s a fuck-ton of mail in the mail room, Cadence.”
“How much is that?”
“Infinity times infinity.”
Cadence processed that number for a moment. “Oh, fuck, that is a ton of mail. Oh. I see. Fuck-ton. Clever.”
“That’s what I said!”
“Anyways, I may have a solution.”
“And that is?”
“A webshow.”
“A webshow?”
“Yeah. I know you two know about the Internet. Don’t make me explain what a webshow is. It’s a compound word, for your sake.”
“We know what a webshow is, Cadence,” Luna chimed in. “Please, continue.”
“Well, Luna, why don’t you make a webshow where you go through the mail? Answer questions, make a few jokes, et cetera? I bet the show would also increase the public’s opinion on you.”
Celestia snorted. “Luna? Funny? Don’t make me laugh.”
Luna stomped her hoof. “I can be funny.”
“Of course you can,” Celestia said sarcastically.
“Ahem!” Cadence interrupted. “Why don’t you maybe get a few other ponies to help?”
“Good idea,” Luna said. She turned to her sister. “I don’t know if you heard, but I like this idea. A lot.”
“Good,” Celestia said. “I like it, too. But who do we get to help?”
Cadence smiled. “I know Twilight has a few friends who are inclined to a few jokes.”
----------
“Good one, Pinks. I got one. What do you do with a dog with no legs?”
Pinkie Pie took a sip of her cupcake-flavored milkshake. The thing was really good. “Take it for a drag?”
“Damn it! You know that one?” Rainbow Dash sighed in defeat.
“Everyone knows that one, silly. I have one. A few Valley Mares walked into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it!” This one elicited a laugh out of Rainbow Dash. It would’ve gotten more if Princess Luna hadn’t crashed down and scared the living daylights of her.
Pinkie started to laugh. “You jumped three feet in the air!” She held her stomach and rocked back and forth, laughing the whole time.
“You know what?” Rainbow said, also laughing. “I have no shame.”
“I hope you don’t,” Luna said. “You’ll need a deficiency of it for what I’m about to ask of you.”
“Oh, hey, Princess Luna,” Dash greeted.
“Yeah, hiya!” Pinkie welcomed her.
“Hello, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Listen, I need your help in Canterlot. Care to teleport with me?”
“Sure, why not?” was their answer. Yes, they said it at the same time.
An aura of blue magic swept them away. Our intrepid heroes found themselves sitting at a nice wooden table. On the table was a plate with barbeque potato chips on them. Behind them was an annex of shelves filled with packages.
“Princess, what are we doing here?” Pinkie asked.
“Making a webshow where we answer mail.”
“Ooh! Sounds like fun!”
“Yeah, I’m down,” Rainbow said with a smile on her face.
“Good. We have snacks here too. So, basically, we answer the mail and make jokes. You can say pretty much whatever you want, as long as you don’t make any serious threats or something like that.”
“Can we swear?” Pinkie asked.
“Yep,” Luna replied.
“Okay. Just making sure.”
“Well, that’s about it. Sorry for the rushed intro, but I’m itching to start. Oh, and the show is called Canterlot Inbox. I’ll do the introduction for the pilot. Okay?”
Rainbow and Pinkie nodded.
“Let’s go. In three, two, one…
“Hello, everypony. I’m Princess Luna. Welcome to Canterlot Inbox, the show where we answer your mail. With me I have Rainbow Dash. Say hi, Dash.”
She waved to the camera. “Hey.”
“And I also have Pinkie Pie with me. Say hi, if you will, please?”
“Hiya!” Pinkie said, smiling a wide grin.
“So, basically, we’re going to sort through the mail you’ve sent us. This is the pilot, so forgive us if it sucks. We’re a bit new to the whole mail scene.”
Luna grabbed a letter from behind her. “Let’s start.” She opened the letter with the use of a small silver letter opener, pulled out the page, and started to read. “’Hi, Princesses. I wanted to ask you a question. You have the chance to switch your gender for one day. What would you do? Your loyal subject, Sweetsong.’ What would I do with a gender swap for a day…you know what, I have no shame. I would have some sort of sex.”
“Really?” Rainbow gave the princess a questioning look.
“Yeah. Don’t tell me you’re not curious about that.”
“Well, I am, but I can’t imagine you would be.”
“I am.”
“Huh. Well, I agree. I would want to know what’d it be like to do it as a stallion. How about you, Pinkie?”
She had just finished eating a chip. “I agree,” she said. “Totally.”
“Next question!” Luna said. “Let’s see here…here’s a good one. ‘Dear Princesses, if you could become anypony you wanted to become for one day, who would you want to be and why? Your subject, Crystal Serenade. I have actually thought about this one. I would want to be DJ P0N-3 for a day. Go partying and the like.”
“Why can’t you party now?” Pinkie asked.
Luna spread her wings and deadpanned at the camera. “I don’t know. It’s not like I’m an alicorn or anything.”
“Definitely not,” Pinkie said, smiling a good-natured smile. “There is no way you’re an alicorn.”
“Totally,” Rainbow Dash agreed. “Not a single ounce of alicorn blood in you.”
“Definitely not. What about you guys?”
Pinkie answered first. “I would wanna be Rarity.”
“Why Rarity? I mean, she’s cool, don’t get me wrong, but why?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well, I wanna know what it’s like to be, like, the prettiest mare ever.”
Rainbow scoffed. "Pinkie, you're pretty."
Luna feigned offense. “I see how it is. I get it.”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” Pinkie said, smiling that smile again. “It just wouldn’t work out between us.”
“Really?”
“No, but we can’t talk about it here. PG-13, guys.” She giggled. “What about you, Dashie?”
“Well, I like me, but if I had to choose…”
“I know what she’s gonna say. I know it.”
“…I’d choose Spitfire.”
Pinkie looked at the camera and flashed a victorious smile. “I knew it!”
“Next question!” Luna said. “Pinkie, would you like to do the honors?”
“Sure!” She opened the next letter. “Oh, boy. I’m gonna try to decipher this. ‘Where would you like it?’ it asks. But it’s spelled, like, ‘were wuld u like it?’. So, where would you like it?”
“What is ‘it’?”
“I don’t know. You know what, close your eyes. Clear your mind of everything.” Luna and Rainbow Dash did so. “We’ll do Dashie first. Open your eyes.”
Rainbow opened her eyes.
“Where would you like it?”
Rainbow deadpanned the camera. “Back door.”
“I knew it! I read you like a book, Dashie.”
“No, you don’t.”
“You’re right. I don’t. Your turn, Luna. Where would you like it?”
Luna opened her eyes. “I just thought of Camareo. I don’t know why.”
Rainbow Dash smiled. “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward than back door. That means Burt Maneolds is forcing himself onto you very aggressively.”
Luna laughed. “His mustache is like steel wool.”
“Ouch,” Pinkie concurred.
“I love you, Burt Maneolds!” Luna shouted. “Why don’t we open a package?” She grabbed a box from behind her and opened it. “The letter first. ‘Hello, Princesses. I have included something for you to do. I know that you can get hassled a lot, so I have included some scholarly glasses for you. Put them on and give the haters a piece of your mind. Your loyal subject, Special Ingredient.’ Thanks, Special.” She opened the glasses. “Ooh, I like the color.” They were jet black with thick rims. Pinkie had a hipster friend who owned a pair just like them. Luna put them on. “What do I tell the haters now?” she asked.
“Whatever you want,” Dash said.
“Haters. I love you all,” Luna said, mildly creepily. “I think I’ll save these, and whenever I do a rant, I’ll put them on and just shout at the camera.”
“Good plan,” Pinkie agreed.
“Well, guys, I think that’s all we can do today. And viewers, send us your questions. No question will go unanswered here on Inbox. Goodnight.”
The red light on the camera died down.
“That sucked,” Luna said. “That was not very funny.”
“It’ll probably get better next time, because ponies will be sending us their questions. Those were sent before the pilot,” Rainbow Dash assured.
“True, true. Well, see you guys later. I’ll teleport you guys back to Ponyville.” She did just that.
Things are about to get hot and heavy on the next episode of Canterlot Inbox, so stay tuned!
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A little rough around the edges, as tends to happen when settling into the groove of new ideas, but definitely has some potential. The second pass through the "fuckton" joke was laugh-out-loud funny.
I think one good possibility here is to develop the chemistry of your co-hosts. Take their bantering and develop character out of it. The best part of the letters is going to be the way it gives you the chance to play them off of each other.
Best,
H
can the reviewers send in questions?
3298290 If, by reviewers, you mean readers, then yes, of course. But I cannot promise that it will be used. And, if by reviewers, you do not mean readers, then further clarification will be required in order for me to formulate a complete answer.
Felt like using my vocabulary there. Dunno why.
3302956 yup i meant reviewers as in readers
3303032 Yeah, feel free to use the story comments to ask some questions. I have some secret criteria for questions to see if they're good to be asked. For example, the question in Horizon's comment passed the criteria, so I'll use it sometime soon. So ask away!
3304304 so we can treat this like a tumblr blog only with more restrictions?
3305425 You can treat it like a Tumblr blog in the sense that you can ask a question and you might get an answer.
3305538 cool just checking
anyway a question: have you ever been caught in a awkward/compromising position?
question: if you could have discord's powers, what would be the first 10 things you'd do?
k
does all day... huh
for me, I have powers greater than discord but if i could...
10 nap
9 eat a ton of sweets and not care about weight
8 troll
7 tease the royal guards in an empty sexual way
6 bother the hell out of celestia
5 create a portal to the human world and bring lyra heartstrings with me (Lyra:YIPPEEEEEE!)
4 play World of equis with luna for ten hours straight
3 argue with several different parts of my personality
2 do "that's what she said" all day
1 and number one on the list, do something random and not give a b
... wait, most of that is what fat ass