Hard worikng Writer. Likes to read stories and Impove his skills. Has a strange sences of humor, don't hold it against me.
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On Nightmare Night the Main 6 take their new human friend camping. After he listens to the girls stories he tells them his own ghost story. A story that is only one part of a greater folktale.
(Edited, slightly)
Written for Writing Lab Group's
Nightmare Night Prompt.
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Review: Lost Forever
Good start. Sets a somber mood.
Points for not trying to over explain the scene. We figure out the setup by your narration, not info dump.
Little thought on your dialogue. How often to you state the name of the person you’re talking to? “Hay Twilight, just thinking about home that’s all.” sounds a bit strange to me. “Hay. Just thinking about home, that’s all.” sounds better to my ear. But take that as you will.
The other five mares that had had become your friend where around the rustic fire. Jarring second person POV change.
You backslide a bit around the campfire. We all know who the mane six are. No need to introduce them.
As your story starts You could use some commas to slow down the narrative. I think you missed the opportunity to interject some humor, having to explain snowmobiles, and halftracks. The story reads was to fast. Flashing between his story, and the campfire would slow the story, and allow more tension.
Minor typo: tale of Lucy Keyes,.Lost Forever.
NOBODY remembers exact dates to random folklore. Realistic dialogue might have the year. More likely it would sound like “Years later on his deathbed... he confessed that he had found Lucy... that spring...”
In the end I smiled. Not a bad little story. Bit rough around the edges. But I’m not going to say anything bad about it. You handle first person well. Not everyone can do that. I think I would encourage you to see your scenes in your minds eye, before putting them to paper. Pacing is definitely you weak spot.
Homework reading: Salem's Lot
3353044 First where Can I find Salem's Lot?
Now thank you for your review and pointing out my mistakes.
I am glad that you are willing to put time in to help.
So should I rewrite or just leave as is?
Still thank you for pointing out my mistakes this should help me a lot.
Thank you and I hope that I can continue to work on my craft.
Best wishes.