• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen June 4th

EsotericPhantasm


T

After having a strange dream on my flight to New Zealand I found myself an offer to go to Equestria. Little did I know it was serious and found myself in the magical land itself, though a little off course.

I guess my vacation turned out to be much more than I bargained for.

-A big thanks to The 11th Wonder for proofreading.

-Will be adding character tags as the story progresses.

-Image by Marta Nael

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 23 )

This is my first published fanfic. Please be gentle. :fluttershysad:

Constructive criticism is welcomed.:twilightsmile:

I'm hoping to get better at creating cliffhangers, but like I said, I'm new at this. Any suggestions for that would be great.

Damn your author's note.
Now I want ome molasses.
I know a great liquer recipe that involves it.

Well, we get a look at changeling lifestyle; glad you decided with this rather than the cliche (for the chessverse) 'get captured by D-Dogs, kill the alpha, and leave' scenario for your intro arc.

...OK you have my attention... oh look a butterfly *wanders off after the butterfly*, but no seriously I hope to see more great chapters, I cannot wait.

Wow. I've never been mad at a cliff-hanger before. Bravo.
Bravo.
Regardless, this is still getting a fav.

Instead of outright putting the name of the games you want to reference in your story, try to refer to them with much more discrete allusions. And, eventually, put the game's names in the comments or author's notes if no one gets the reference.
Easter eggs are good, but using game names as a means of describing things don't really account for your love of the game. It only accounts for either your laziness or your inability to describe things correctly. Because for the people who didn't play the game, it is impossible to know what the mirror looks like, for example.
If you want to use game names anyway, do so in the character's thoughts, not in the narrative parts. A character's thoughts can be used to describe things too.

As I said on the CGotG forums, your texts lack a lot of punctuation, and that makes the story sometimes monotonous as well as barely understandable. For example, the very first sentence of this chapter requires a comma, and could even use two.
It could be much, much better; without even changing the words. Try working on that.
Nonetheless, have my Like.

3294697

There I make allusions to the game, and put in a good exposition of the race. I guess it slipped my mind to include that before. Thanks for pointing that out.

3294840
Much better. Now, I can actually understand what's a Dragonkin without using Google and ruining the story's flow!
Try to do that with the mirror next. :raritywink:

Edit: Yay for the silvery mirror. Although it lacks a "to" after "attached".
And in the next paragraph about the mirror, there's a word missing too.

3294853

Okay, mirror is done. I understand what you mean now. It was very lazy writing on my part not to describe it and just say, "It looked this THIS." :derpytongue2:

I hope you feel it's better now.

3294906
Well, it's great then, as long as you don't forget it later. :p
Next thing to work on: punctuation.
(I'll be attending a 3-hour-long lesson in half an hour so i probably won't look often)

Edit: Here's another thing I just noticed: you used simple italics for most of the character's thoughts, but in your edit about the mirror, you used apostrophes and italics. You absolutely have to decide what will point out thoughts, and hold on to your decision. Otherwise, it gets confusing.

3294911

Woops.:twilightblush:

I guess I forgot to make sure the thought punctuation was consistent. It's fixed now. Thanks for pointing that out.

its not to bad good idea but out of the blue here I think that one dude was discord man :ajbemused: how that possible man I think its discord

6702433 It's not dead. Yes I know I haven't touched it for a long time but I was honest when I said I was creating notes for it.

I'm glad people still care about it which does help more than you know, and I know what it's like to read something you found interesting only for the writer to quit. I hate it but now I know myself how much life can get in the way and cause procrastination.

For example, "I'll start the next chapter right after I finish this book/movie/YouTube video/Web article/etc." Pretty soon a year has passed and you go, "Holy fucking crap! Where has the time gone?"

I'm barely eking out about a paragraph a day at the moment if I'm lucky of my other story but it helps. There's a reason I'm not rich/famous/ruling the world and that is that I still need better persistence.

Perhaps writing these stories will help with that.

I'm not sure if I can find it but I did start the next chapter and I know how it goes at least to a point.

My problem was wanting to incorporate more of the other people's stories or at least alluding to them. As cool as that would be, at this point it will be better for me to simply disregard that or else get bogged down and never finish.

So what do I do now? Well how about this. I'll spew forth, vomit up and polish the next chapter once I finish the one I'm working on with my other story, which as I said is progressing unlike before when I started this one.

I don't know if it's like that for other writers but for me it's like giving a speech. You prepare for it and plan it out but in the end you simply go with the flow and not even you know everything that will come to mind as you converse with your audience or in my case what I'll write.

I almost feel like I could start an essay on this topic now that I've gotten going. It's ironic since I hated English growing up and now I excel at it more so than the average Joe. Still, a second pare of eyes from a proofreader still helps spot any errors I may miss, but I've found it to hard to find one.

I digress.

Perhaps I need a way to really have a deadline. I know some fanfiction writers have started using Patreon to accomplish that.

I think I should do at least 5 or perhaps 10 chapters before proposing that but the idea of it giving me a definite deadline might be worth setting it up just so I can force myself to give you content. The entire dilemma of being your own taskmaster.

I think I've gone on long enough since I feel I have said enough on the matter for now.

Let's see if I can give myself a deadline as long I have it in writing. Hmm. How about, Thursday morning since that's when I return to my day job after a few days off.

Wish me luck XD

6680012
See above

I've done it. I've finished and posted another chapter on my other story which means I can work on this one.

I'm liking this deadline thing. For this one I'll say by Tuesday morning there will be a chapter. Now to dig through old files and reread the story myself.

Wish me luck!

I'm sorry it's not that big of a chapter but I've been fighting a cold the last couple of days so it made things difficult. I did make my deadline though so yay. :yay:


It's alive! So far...

Huh, I forgot this thing even existed

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