Queen Chrysalis, the champion of her race, is loosing her grasp on her hive. Changeling are starting to defect to other hives, or even abandon changeling life all together. Taking a lesson from an old friends, Queen Chrysalis disguises herself as a drone to learn why her subjects leaving her dominion, and to try and discover the fate of those captured by the Royal Guard.
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Hmm, "incomplete"? Feels pretty complete to me! Well, if you're going to continue this, I'd love to see those guards get their comeuppance!
There are hints of a solid tale here. It's just rather rough and unpolished. Needs some reformatting too. Still, the core is good.
3283260Thanks for reading it. I kind of misunderstood what "incomplete" meant on this site. A better description for the story would be "Unrefined". The story itself is complete, I just need to edit it a bit. Or a lot.
Now that was one heck of a lesson for Chryssi! Good job with the beginning and origins story, it felt really mythical. And of course Queen's little journey was nicely done: it presented the basics of the changelings' society and the aftermath of the failed Canterlot invasion. All in all, a good read yet a bit unpolished, like Seether00 said.
I'd advise going through your formatting once more - there are numerous occasions where indentations are missing (especially the beginning which looks rather wall-of-texty), you sometimes place double spacing for no apparent reason and there is a bunch of spelling mistakes here and there - bugs easily squished by carefully re-reading your story.
I'd love to see more of your writing in the future!
It's a fairly good tale, and hey, the changelings are written as individuals with their own children, but sadly, this story fails for me because it snaps its shins by going down the same, tired cliches as many changeling stories; the victimization of changelings and the utter Nazification of ponykind as the changelings oppressors. I've seen it EVERYWHERE and it's just as faulty here. It's not like the changelings are dumb, stupid animals with no individuality, they are clearly sapient and hold many pony-like and I'm sorry, regardless of justified restitution, I can't somehow can't imagine Equestria as a nation that has no concept of basic creature's rights. It just turns into the analogy of the evil, oppressive state persecuting the poor minority, which is both a tired theme and here, has no real justification other than to create a conflict.
My friend, I assure you I am not meaning to personally attack you, I've just seen this concept done so many times and its utter demonization of ponies that it just grates me.
4128466 I might be offended, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re absolutely right. I did go overboard with the sergeant and the overall animosity the guards showed. I wanted them to be more like insensitive jerks, ponies who weren’t really thinking about their actions. Instead they came off less as ignorant and more as dirt bag psychopaths.
I really do appreciate your reading of my story, it means a lot to me that you took the time to properly critique it with a well thought out message. I only hope is that you’ll give my future stories the same thought as you did this one.
One of these days I’m going to revisit this story with a less heavy-handed approach, and I will definitely take your words into consideration.
4133267 Thank you for your positive response to my criticism. Not everyone is as understanding.
The problem, however, is that the concept of ponies oppressing changelings is faulty in and of itself, especially here due to how sapient and pony-like you've made the latter. It reflects horribly on Celestia and her leadership and everything Equestria and ponykind stands for. I mention Celestia because of how the Royal Guard ultimately answer to her, and I'm sorry, but I find it extremely difficult to picture this benevolent and kind-hearted ruler to pretty much okaying her guard and ponies to act like savage Nazis treating changelings like animals. At the very least, she would lay down some rules and conduct for them to go by -- eg, no harming non-combatants. We humans aren't that infinitely better, but we at least do have rules when it comes to war and at least nowadays try to upheld human rights when it comes to these conflicts. It just makes no sense for EQUESTRIA, a land where the values of friendship and harmony are a lot less superficial than us humans', to be exercising almost none of that here and in stories that use this concept.
The end result, I'm sad to say, is what appears to be drama and conflict simply for drama and conflict's sake.