• Member Since 30th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

michealdark


T

Across the sea from Equestria lies the land of Aquilonia, ruled over by Prince Aligorna. Aligorna has waited a thousand years for the return of his love, and with the help of his vizier, he's not waiting any longer. But who is this vizier, what does he want, and can the Mane 6 figure it all out in time, with the help of Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo and the Doctor?

Pairings: Luna/OC, Fluttershy/Discord, Derpy/Doctor Whooves, Cadence and Shining Armor (a little bit)

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 8 )

If you would allow me to be brutally honest--the first chapter, the prologue, was terrible. Introducing the characters and the setting in this way must be done carefully, and I don't think *I* would have the knowledge for it. That said, I won't dwell on it-- if no help can be offered, I must instead aim to praise.

The second chapter is interesting. You reveal in a few minutes of reading more about Strife and Aligorna ( as well as their culture ) than all of the previous chapter. Certainly, their approach is unorthodox (and probably unethical), but I find that it suits them. Whatever happens to Luna in their care, I have no doubt it will be interesting. I hope you make it an interesting journey for all of us.

With that, you get a thumbs-up and I will be reading the next chapter when the new one comes out.

But...chaos can lead into conflict just as well, if not sometimes better. LOGIC FAIL, STRIFE.:pinkiecrazy:

That...that's a Mumford & Sons song!

3494325

Eeyup :eeyup:

As I said, you'll start to see a theme soon. This hiatus will last a little longer though, because I'm going through some things right now, and I'm also working on establishing my youtube analysis channel.

Two criticisms:

You need scene breaks. Every time you change location and start talking about a different group of characters, you need to add a scene break. The code for a line that makes a scene break is square bracket open, hr, square bracket closed.

Don't have a cast of characters. We already know who everyone is except for Aligornia and Strife, and your prologue adequately establishes that. Casts of characters are ok if you're writing an original novel with hundreds of characters, but pretentious in fanfic.

That being said I gave you a thumbs up because the story is interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with it.

hahaha, oh man, that's a great story hahahah oh man, hahaha I love it.:heart:

5412856
Sometimes I can't tell sarcasm that well. But I'm going to assume genuineness because you added this to a bunch of groups

5415413 I'm not one for sarcasm, so I'm as honest as Applejack on this. I really did love it, and thought it was funny at the same time. Strife was a nice touch by the way.

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