The reason I am here is to spread my various ideas in story and/ or bblog for to the pony community. Don't expect weekly fics as I am either lazy or occupied with school work. If any questions, ask
The sisters of day and night have a bit of a falling out. Can the words that Celestia say effect Luna so much that sh rethinks of vistiting an old ally? How will Luna's reaction effect the whole world as well a Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
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Well thank you if you read this i hope that you all enjoy and that you all have a fun filled pony day
not bad for your first fic
I've got a bunch of stuff to say
:
Um, you really should slow down a bit and build up to all of that. Despite the spelling and grammar errors, the initial premise was somewhat believable. That Luna falls again to NMM over repeatedly being ignored and pushed aside isn't entirely implausible, but it breaks up when you consider canon and how contrite Luna was and how forgiving and nice Celestia is. Barring an alternate universe, that plotline has some serious issues.
Still, unless NMM has been plotting in the back of her head, it's hard to see how this whole bit is portrayed as practically instantaneous which both ridiculous and implausible. Not only that, but it's barely believable would just pop out at the last minute solely because of Twilight Sparkle. If you could refine that and give us some other reasons for Luna's sudden reversal (which would help with the plotline problem noted above), perhaps some specific snubbing by ponies that are important to Luna or she's tried to be friendly with? A curfew ordinance in Canterlot for whatever reason that means no one goes out at night (astronomy would definitely not be an option based on that) ?
Also, depending on what you figure the exact events were that lead up to Luna/NMM's initial imprisonment, then Luna should either be feeling guilt over the mess she created because she felt entitled to some things (i.e. was being a bit of a brat, but also truly depressed and lost) or angry with being trapped for 1000 years over trivial things.
If you really want to write a story about NMM returning and taking over, then I would recommend expanding the story to eight chapters at least to give yourself time to work up to it. Fixing your grammar and spelling would be a good start. You could probably split this chapter into three chapters based on the major events that theoretically occur within it (see below).
1) Nightmare Moon's return, her releasing Discord from his prison, flight (as in the past tense of flee or the sense of having left) from Canterlot
2) Appearance in the crystal empire, destroying the crystal heart, freeing Sombra
3) Confrontation with the elements of harmony at the palace of the royal pony sisters, Sombra and Discord present, Celestia cast down
Each of these can themselves be broken down (as seen above) into a couple of separate scenes involving a particular set of ponies.
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On a side note, the crystal heart is theoretically what keeps the entire Crystal Empire warm, sunny, livable, and free of evil. If Sombra couldn't destroyit , but only hid it then why would NMM be able to just smash it? It really wouldn't make a lot of sense for her to do so in any case, unless it was absolutely necessary to free Sombra. Also, she'd have had to engage in battle with Princess Cadence most likely to be able to get to it.
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It may be useful to note that in terms of relation to canon this would need to occur after the wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, but before "Keep Calm and Flutter On" where Fluttershy "reforms" Discord. Discord also seems to prefer subtlety, whereas Sombra goes for the hard hitter approach (both seem to like messing with the characters' heads).
P.S.
I'm a bit lost about the "transfer of minds" bit. Where does any transfer occur?
Not bad but I want to ask you some thing. Is this based off of the video Friendship Was Magic?
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James-Plasma
#2 · 4m, 15s ago · · ·
>> James-Plasma Here Is A Private Message I Just Sent to You Today to Celebrate the Starting of Production for Transformers 5: The Last Knight...http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9020830
James-Plasma
#1 · 1h, 13m ago · · · James-Plasma
Hi, Salceleeon, Were Have You Been Lately...everyone as been wondering where you've been in 91 Weeks and 5 Days So Please Give Us A Sign and Complete your Ponybots and the Search for the Spark story...otherwise people are going to be worried about you including me so Please come back to us...This has Been Shane W.L. Nokes aka James S.K. Plasma and I Hope you come back because I am a huge fan of transformers and you should continue the story...Nuff Said.
with thanks and Dearest regards,
from your biggest fan of all time ever,
Shane W.L. Nokes aka James S.K. Plasma