• Member Since 12th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 15th, 2023

Gohma Dameon


Comments ( 59 )

Seems interesting so far.
Please, continue.

interesting so far, time for chapter 2:moustache:

this has peaked my interest :pinkiecrazy:

Hmm Pinkie accidentally broke a promise. A groups trust. Seems like the time for a well placed FOREVER!.

Almost could be a ploy to use on Rainbow Dash to get her involved as I could see Pinkie really wanting Rainbow Dash involved in the group with her.

Oh dear, looks like pinky convinced dash to go to her party after all...

Not sure if the Elite are ocs or not yet, i though polly was going to be Celestia, but now i dont think so

3345059
I wasn't really sure if I should respond to any comments by denying or confirming anything, but I've decided this isn't really a spoiler in any way. Yes, the Club Elite are all OCs. I'm sorry if having OC antagonists rubs anyone the wrong way, but they aren't exactly the focus of the story.

3359897 its not a big deal to me I was trying to think of ponies that are in the show that could fit the personality of those 3, and didn't think of any so I just thought that they were ocs

A) I'd be interested to see them as their own chapters, just to give a change of pace.
And B) I like it and have noticed no things to criticize about. I honestly haven't even noticed any glaring errors or typos! Good work.

3371903
Thanks for your input and kind words!
Also, the request for criticism extends to all future chapters, so don't be shy about pointing out my mistakes if and when you catch them.

Some input on what is going trought Dash and Pinkie minds would be lovely, some big interludes or preferably some chapters of their own would be great.
Also I found the fact that you made Twilight pretty vocal about her climax while Rarity was just silent until she came adorable.
Sadly I dont have anything to criticize.

3374471
Thanks for commenting.

Well, I've pretty much decided to give Dash and Pinkie their own chapters. Starting with what happened to Rainbow the night of the party.:pinkiehappy::rainbowderp:

I think that artist guy had a their instead of there/they're in his dialogue in Ch. 4, but if anyone could make that mistake while speaking aloud it's him.

Also a minor point: Twilicorn is a bit taller than most ponies, which might be noticeable or at least narrow done who she could be.

Your villains were distinctive assholes, great job on them. Rarity's motivation for dragging Twilight into this feels off; dragging Twilight into this really seems selfish, or was that intended?

3385615
Actually, Agit Prop never had a bad "their," but Rarity had a couple. Fixed now.

I've always operated under the assumption that the pony's body types were more varied than we see, and that visible differences were just contextual cues to help the viewer gain additional information about the characters. That said, Twilight most likely became taller than she had previously been (Maybe because she is now part Earth pony as well?), but I doubt it's so much different that it would matter.

I'm elated that you are suspicious of Rarity's motivations! She hasn't been especially forthcoming, and her own penchant for scheming is meant to be a minor source of agitation for Twilight. I won't say anything too spoiler-ific, but it is meant to be more of a source of tension between them than an indication that Rarity is up to something. Her motivations are basically the same as the show: furthering her business.

Thanks so much for commenting! I'm glad you like my villains, I hope you love to hate them even more as we learn more about them and their malevolent designs.

Oh dear, looks like twilight is going to have one hell of an awkward misunderstanding...

I must admit I like the political intrigue of the story. The Club reminds me of Marvel's Hellfire Club, or the so called secret societies that were so in vogue in the first half of the 20th century (They're still around I'm sure, just more secret). The Illuminati of Ponydom. Celestia probably knows about it, heck she probably started it to keep tabs on the underground elite. :facehoof:

It's written with obvious skill, and this opening chapter has a pretty good hook, but anything that is specifically constructed to exclude Spike holds no interest for me.

Dominant Rarity is incredibly hot.

3571319
Thank you for being bluntly honest! I wonder whether you mean the story as a whole, or just chapter 7? Could you tell me if you intend to read anymore of this story? If not, is there a specific reason or were you just dissatisfied with the amount of sex?

Also, to be fair, I did mention in the story description that I might be light on the clop from time to time. Would it be more helpful if I included an indicator at the beginning of each chapter, letting readers know how much sex is in that part of the story?

3571395
You're welcome!
On to answering your clarifying questions, it's really just chapter 7. You build up the sexual tension throughout the entire chapter, save when Twilight is sent out on her own, while simultaneously addressing a few minor points the story has brought up so far. This tension is built up, only for you to blue ball us in the end. This isn't really an issue, however, in all of the other chapters, there are story advancements that distract from the amount (or lack of) sex in the chapter.

To be fair, I dare say that the ground work of future story development has been lain out in this chapter.

As for the suggestion of a forward letting people know about any sexual encounters in the chapter, I would very much appreciate a brief description of the kink involved. As well as an exact word count in the mentioned scene, the paragraph that it starts on and any illustration material to better the readers understanding of the scene. Preferably in color.

3572847
Thanks for replying, I really appreciate your feedback.
I almost made chapter 7 incredibly long in order to have the following scene with Rarity and Twilight, but I decided last minute to break it off into the next chapter, so that that sex scene could be more or less the focus of it's own chapter, since it kind of marks the beginning of their dom/sub dynamic. Also, I had already missed the weekend and didn't want to get any further behind.:facehoof:

I will make a point of including a brief description of kinks to expect each chapter, but I'm a little less enthused with giving word counts and paragraph numbers. I'll consider it. Also, I have no drawing skills to speak of, nor funds for commissions.

3574657
Honestly, I wasn't being serious at all in that last paragraph, but if you see merit in some of it, by all means, include what you want.

As for the frequency of updates, it IS holiday season, so spending time away from the computer (or tablet in my case) is to be expected.

Yum.

Looking forward to the story progression, too.

I wonder how far these two will progress in their roles. Or if Rarity has some other motive.

3811901
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "progress in their roles."

3812511
I'm glad you're enjoying the story!

If anyone feels like it, I've been hoping for more criticism on the sex scenes to figure out what's working and what isn't. I know that's super subjective, but I am trying to please everyone at least a little from time to time, so feel free to chip in your two cents!

3814510 Well we know Twi is open to and enjoys being a sub and we know Rarity likes having Twi as her sub but what I'm getting at is how far will they both take it? So far we haven't seen where the line will be drawn with them and that's always interesting to see for characters in any relationship they're involved in.

Personally I am a PinkieDash fan so this part pleases me though that last part makes me nervous. I hope things don't go wrong for them...

Twinkie is second best for me.

By the way at first you had me really concerned in this chapter. Not for the cupcakes references or anything like that but I was worried about what Pinkies intentions were for her play date.

I was worried that she was in some way going to take advantage of Dash (not maliciously but more of a I don't know what I am doing and so I make a mistake sort of way). At the end I felt a lot better because it is clear that Pinkie is very unsure on what to do and is looking for help and is just failing at it completely. The best thing she did was just coming clean with Dash at the end which was probably the only way to salvage this thing as it was.

Hopefully Pinkie and Dashie can come to a real understanding of where their relationship can take them. Hopefully we will get to see it (and I of course hope it flourishes though I wouldn't mind it taking its time).

Damn it Play Date. Don't you know that just even thinking that statement it guarantees things are gonna go all wonky in the most spectacular fashion possible! ......Actually that might be fun to see. I retract my earlier statement, good job Play Date.

I recently stumbled across this story, and I have to say - it's really interesting. Secret sex clubs and political intrigue aren't something I'd normally expect to go together, but somehow they totally do. :derpytongue2:

Also, PinkieDash is adorable (I found this through the PinkieDash group, actually) and I quite like the way you've written it so far. Rarilight is also fun, even if I'm more neutral towards it.

As for other ships - I'm cool with most of them, though Dash ships are my favourite, particularly Appledash.

I look forward to future updates - those scummy Canterlot OC's really need to be taken down a peg, so it'll be interesting to see how you have Twilight and Rarity handle them. :twilightsmile:

I actually came here for the Pinkie and Dash dynamic. SO I guess you can put me down for wanting story first. Any sort of sex scenes are just extra to me

To me clop is something you use to spice up a story not necessarily the main course even if the subject matter is part of the main storyline. Take Romance Reports for example. It has a lot of sex scenes but many chapters don't at all even if the plot has sex as a common theme.

I also hope Pinkie and Dash can find a way to make themselves happy.

I'm gonna be blunt for a change. I'm only here for the story in itself, but I hate the TwiRarity. I don't mind the clop, but I am really not keen on how the relationship between the two is pulled off here. I swear, my eyes hurt when I read the sadomachochism in this chapter and my God, Twi, please stop calling Rares Queen or Mistress! Argh!

There, I said it. I hate the main pairing of this story, but I am fond of the story plotline because it tells on how nobles and politicians use a sexclub in order to scheme and make plottings to advance their own causes and how Twilight is introduced to it all in order to become a better princess. That is why I read this story. Not for the sex or the pairings, but for the intrigue.

4103197
4103214
It's a delight to hear from you again, Crimson.:pinkiehappy: I wouldn't worry too much about Pinkie and Rainbow, they'll work things out. More or less. Play Date might panic a little when she finds out that things are going so off course, so obviously she'll take it upon herself to help.:rainbowderp: Misguided antagonists are so much fun, aren't they?


4103425
You might be my favorite reader just now, if only because I'm pleased to discover that some people are reasonably content to enjoy a story with sex, regardless of the sex. In spite of it, even! Sadly, the dom/sub thing is kinda... not going anywhere. It's likely to get worse from your point of view.:fluttershyouch:
On the plus side, once we hit Canterlot you can expect a significant increase in political gesturing, backstabbing (metaphorically), heartbreaking (also metaphorical), and cheating (literal AND metaphorical). Also, some insight into just how far The Club's influence stretches. Thanks a lot for bearing with the insipid "treat me like royalty" thing.

Originally came for the clop. Stayed for the story. But I like both aspects still. Both full clop and full plot chapters are fine with me, as long as it doesn't go too many in a row of one without the other.

The Pinkie Dash thing is just background noise for me, thus far, though.

4104164
Thanks for the opinion. I'm trying to strike a balance, and if it seems off at some point, just say so. As for the side story, it's kind of meant to be more of an exploration of how The Club affects relationships between friends and significant others, as opposed to the social implications explored in the main storyline. I can understand where that might be boring by comparison, but writing the more light-hearted fun (and squabbles) that Pinkie and Dash have is keeping me sane.:derpyderp1::derpyderp2::derpytongue2:

I came here for the story. Seemed very interesting, and of course the clop is an excellent bonus.

4104290
4104784
Thank you both very much for the praise. It's very gratifying to know that some of my readers are enjoying my writing just as I'd hoped they would.

I must agree with Lelouch Vi Britania
and neobrony7. You really have hit a delicate and fantastic balance of clop and plot, the story is fantastic and when it happens, the clop is part of the story, and well done. I am eager for more.

I didn't feel much for the antagonists. They're criminals, and the discomfort was just mildly amusing.

I view polyamory as not especially sexy, but I imagine some like it and I don't consider it inherently wrong.

Sexiest thing for me in this kind of story is the submission aspect; I'd appreciate delving further down that road with Twilight. Plot is also sexy; I'm interested in seeing this story through.

:raritydespair: Every time I log in I cross my hooves and hope there's more here but there never is! :raritycry:

Seriously though, I bucking love you and you need to write more. :raritywink:

:heart:

Not a PinkieDash chapter but I will try to commit in some detail tomorrow evening (my evening of course). First impressions are good and I think the game did not bog down but I will need to read again to understand everything ( I am SO tired right now).

Still not approving of the RariLight and Twi's compliments of Rarity still hurt my eyes.

Still, at least there is more focus on politics and how this one club could get an influence into Equestrian policy. So I can live with that.

Didn't mind the length of the description but I'm not 100% sure I understood the game's rules. The scene with the spa sisters was great. Head Turner... frankly with the false names I assumed they weren't an OC and I just didn't know their real identity. Having OCs is not, by itself, the real problem in fanfics, it's the way they're inserted into the story rather than being a part of it that makes them suck. Your OCs (villainous or otherwise) are fine; they all have an identity within the world that is believable, at least from what we've seen so far. Using the fake names makes it easy to not notice which ponies are OCs, too.

5171654
Crimson! One of my most consistent commentators. :pinkiesmile: I've missed hearing your two cents; I never seem to have enough psychic change these days. I eagerly await your more complete thoughts on my writing. :rainbowkiss:

5171810
It's still wonderfully gratifying to know that you enjoy the plot of my story in spite of the overt sexual themes and choice of shipping. I know for a fact that the next chapter will be Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, but the following chapter will finally see Twilight Sparkle in Canterlot and bring us right up to the cusp of the much anticipated vote. I must apologize in advance, the first draft I'm working on has the opening scene intermixed with Twilight's recollections of recent sexy fun lesbian times, so you may find yourself slogging through more of that. :facehoof: I'm so sorry, but also not.

5173259
Oh, dear. I had never intended to obfuscate the identities of OCs using the aliases. To be clear, when a character is introduced by Club name (and has a speaking role), I will allude to their identity as a character from the show, if they are one. Mind, I use the Club names since Twilight may not know them, and in the context of the scene it is appropriate.
That aside, I wish you would elaborate on the scene with the twins a bit more. I want to know what works well for my readers and what doesn't. For instance, my attempts to use tasteful euphemisms. I'm never sure if it's more trouble than it's worth or possibly just aggravating.

One thing I'd like to ask anyone bothering to check the comment section: Should I make... let's call them Supplemental Chapters - that explain things that may not be entirely clear? Basically, if my readers leave me comments about things such as the card game, I will post 1,000 words or less that just explain it in greater detail. Not actual chapters, but more than just comment responses. It's an idea that I've been toying with, and the FiMFiction chapter by chapter format let's me respond to readers in this way. I could potentially leave the chapters unpublished and just let everyone know what the password is to see these "hidden" extra bits.

Use blog posts to answer questions/clarify.

I'm not sure I can give useful data for the smut; I'm pretty easy to please with that stuff. Language was fine, wasn't too dirty or too flowery. Twilight's lines weren't very sexy, but I'm always more about the bondage/submission. Encasement felt kind of tame, but that may be because she kept repeating how much she liked it.

5174714
Yay, we have a dialogue going! I'm always kind of wary about using the blog overly much. I feel like I might add clutter some people's feed. Not to mention my other, non-sexy story may have netted me some watchers who wouldn't so much want posts related to my smutty story. I'll think about it.
The encasement was tame because she liked it? I thought I made it clear that the encasement was sort of more intense than what Twilight liked. She mostly responded positively to the less severe bondage and sadism/masochism I thought. Looking back, I'm fairly certain none of Twilight's lines suggested she enjoyed being totally unable to move.
Lastly, how could I have made Twilight's lines more provocative? I went for somewhat passive, but needy. Should I have made her more sultry? More hesitant?

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