• Published 28th Sep 2013
  • 5,378 Views, 201 Comments

I just wanted to go to Equestria! - Ditz



I've always wanted to go to Equestria, so I'm instead send to the world of Equestria Girls. Go figure.

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Places Exist Outside School!?

“… Authorities have not found the perpetrator as of yet, once again, this mysterious robber leaves with no trace, you could say that such a clean steal makes a… Stainless steal!… Ahem… More at 11!”

“Wow, even news in this world are crap.”

I sigh and remove my eyes from the TV, focusing instead on waiting for my partner, who as it turns out, is late. Doesn’t she have a clock? Boy, she sure is grinding my gears… Damn it, I think that stupid reporter is rubbing on me, what a pervert.

Fuck.

“Hi Pat!” I’m spooked off my seat and land on my ass, I look at the frosty-looking girl in front of me and groan.

“You are late!” I say rather loudly, she flinches and looks ashamed, as she SHOULD be.

“Sorry! I just had a teeny-teensy-itti-bitty-little problem!” I raise a brow interested and ask the logical question.

“Are you hungry?” okay, my stomach took the reins that time, the next IS the logical question. “I mean, and what was that, exactly?”

“Oh, you don’t want to know,” I get close to her with reckless abandon. “Ooh! Are we playing the blinking game? I wanna play! One, two, three, go!” we remain like that for, well, minutes, but I can see her literally shaking in her boots -standing still and doing nothing for more than a minute seems to do that to a Pinkie- and as expected, she loses. “Um… You can stop staring now…” I feel like my eyes are gonna fall off, but I continue nonetheless.

“Not unless you tell me what took you so long…”

“Um… Okay dokey then!” she goes to my ear and whispers it all out.

“I’msorryyouseeIjusthappenedtohavemyperiodrightbeforecominghereandbecausesillymeforgotthepadsIhadtogotothestoretobuyoneandyoushouldhaveseenititwaseverywhereinmypantiesanditwasnastyandeverythingittookforevertogetthemcleanedupanddon’tevengetmestartedonmypu-”

“Okay, I’m sorry I asked! Oh god! Oh my god! AAAAAH!” I can’t think, I just yell out loud while Pinkie just stands there with a mischievous grin, people are staring at me like I’m insane, but THIS GIRL HAS NO SHAME.

Admittedly, it’s my fault for prying, and I’m being a hypocrite, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is her fault because of good reasons that I don’t have to explain.

“So! What we doooing?” she asks since I have managed to get the mental image out of my head.

“Well, remember what I said yesterday about wanting a tour of the mall?” I tell her, reminding her of what I asked of her days before, she nods rapidly with a stupid grin on her face and a marvelous squee.

“Of course! I wouldn’t forget!” she says excitedly, I raise my hand and stop her incessant jumping.

“Well, the truth is that I’m here looking for someone… Specific,” she frowns instantly and sighs.

“You mean that Twibright Spork girl, don’t you? I can‘t believe I got up early in the morning… On a Saturday no less!” I’m a bit surprised by her angry response, I had imagined she would enjoy searching new friends. “Mister, I don’t like being lied to!” well, I don’t like being poked in the chest for lying, but you don’t see me complaining.

“Alright, look… It’s imperative that I find her, she is… Somepony I’ve admired for a long time,” if only for my obsession for anything Twilight related and to give myself some closure, but I sure as hell ain’t telling her that.

“Um… ‘somepony’?” oh, shit. “Oh, you just flipped the ‘B’ backwards! You are so silly, Limey!” I ignore the seemingly odd name I am given if only due to her brain being random to my advantage. “Okay! I’m all up for it! And maybe I can give you the tour! It’ll be fan-tucking-tastic!”

“Fan-tucking…?”

“Well, I was going to say ‘fan-fuc-”

“Okay, I get it! Can we go?”

“Fine! But you owe me, mister!” she says without reserve, I can only help but wonder what she means by that.

“Sure… Let’s go.”

“Whee! We are gonna have SO much fun! Where to first?” she asks, merrily skipping around me, her purse bouncing off her lap as she does so, here is where I take notice of the clothes she is wearing… She looks so different! She opted for some skinny jeans rather than the skirt, and wore a sleeveless yellow blouse, and a gray jacket, which admittedly bring my plain jeans x white shirt combo to shame… Of course, I could be wrong, not being a fashion connoisseur myself.

“Well, first we are looking, then, we‘ll ha-”‘Sniff, sniff’ “What is that smell?” I say as I catch onto a rather sweet aroma.

“Oh, you noticed! It’s my new sweet ‘sweet’ aroma! You likey?” quite fitting, what with her looking like a sweet herself. Talk about eye candy… And the collective booing commences in my brain.

“Yes, it’s very… You!” she squee’s satisfied and walks alongside me with an even bigger grin than usual, we move through the mall rather quickly, as I already have a place in mind, I nearly sidetrack to the nearest game shop, but I manage to focus myself on the goal.

“Where to first?” she asks me, her eyes pleading for somewhere fun to go, I should humor her.

“Well, what do you consider boring?” she doesn’t think long as she produces a very small list from her luscious hair and hands it to me. “Um… Wait, you don’t like clowns?” she shakes her head terrified while I roll my eyes. After reading seemingly ridiculous dislikes, I come across the most effective one. “Aha!”

~~~~~

“Awwwwwwwwwww! Why do we have to search an abandoned building?” she says, fuming angrily.

“It’s not an abandoned building, Pinkie.”

“What’s the difference, really?” she says, walking ahead of me. Nice burn, as we are staring at what appears to be -or maybe just IS- a library. Interesting placing, seeing how it’s just across the mall, of course, Pinkie isn’t very satisfied.

“Come on Pinkie, it’s searching time,” she huffs with crossed arms and follows me in, all while mouthing words such as ‘ugh’, ‘argh’, ‘abuur’, and other such eloquent complaints. “Don’t worry, it won’t be that long, geez…” she seems to cheer up at the news, but still seems resentful. Eh, she’ll live.

After I tell her to go check the picture books in the ‘young adult’ sections of the place, I head to a near desk, I’m surprised to see none other than Mayor Mare in charge of said desk -it helps that she dons the glasses and the white hair- It honestly makes me wonder who the major in town is.

“Good morning, young man, may I help you,” she fixes her glasses slightly and smiles, a mechanical smile if I‘ve ever seen one, which I have.. “Well, I’ll be, you are a new face here,” she reaches out and shakes my hand in a very pleasant welcome. “So, were you interested in acquiring a library card?”

“Nah, I don’t re-” well, shit. “I meant to say, er…”

“Goodbye then,” worst librarian EVER.

“No, please! I need your help, I’m looking for someone, and I’m hoping you might have seen her in he-”

“Her?” she turns and gives me the most condescending look I’ve ever seen, her eyes reading me like an open book. “A girl, of course! If I had a dollar for every time I’m asked that.”

“Ooh! How much money would you have?” we both jump in surprise as Pinkie Pie pops up from behind me, Solid Snake has nothing on this girl.

“Oh, three dollars? I don’t know…”

“That‘s odd, why would you want to live on people asking that? Maybe you would have a better chance selling candy! Candy is good, everyone likes candy! Ooh! And I like candy! I‘d buy it in a dash!!”

“Um… Can I help you, miss?”

“Yes!” she takes out a book from behind her and shoves it in her face. “Do you have this on moving pictures?” non-mayor Mare grabs the book and closes it, looking at the title.

“This is one of those ‘manga’ you kids read nowadays… Ugh, it’s like you are all regressing to being plain children,” she fixes her glasses again and hands Pinkie the book back. “I’m sorry, miss, but we don’t have those… ‘anime’ things that correspond to this, and you, young man, I’m done talking to you!” she turns around and makes to leave, and I can’t let her do that! Otherwise society would crumble!… Okay, maybe not that drastic, but it would crumble MY dreams.

“Mayor, please!” I beg her, she stops instantly before slowly turning around.

“What… Did you call me?” I realize instantly that my mouth has fucked me over once more, and as I try to come up with excuses, she is already on me. “I haven’t been one in years,” I freeze instantly, and my mind is a blank.

“That IS odd, he’s only been in town for a week!” says Pinkie. Why did she say that. Pinkie, I’m going to slap you.

“Then… How do you know about me being ‘Mayor‘?” I look into her eyes, and I see it; A longing,, a hope… Something that she wants… Either that, or she is just bat-shit insane. One or the other.

“I’ve… HEARD of your…Exploits! Yes!” she releases my collar and backs away, a small smile planted on that old mug of hers. Time to take advantage of her… I mean ‘it‘. “Yes! And you’ve done so many wonderful things for the city!”

“What’s the best thing you think I’ve done?” I wanna cry now.

“Um… Well… The time that Town Hall’s roof was severely damaged, and you… TOOK from your own money to pay for it!” I say, coming up with the first incident that involved her in the show itself.

“Thank you… “ that’s all she says, I obviously just helped her self-esteem, what a nice guy I am. Also, what a lucky guy I am, because I just pulled that one out of where Celestia doesn’t shine.

“Yes, well… I’m still wondering if you can help me…”

“Of course! Anything for one of my fans!” ignoring her obvious ego, I realize that I can finally ask her about things.

“Right. I’m looking for a girl named Twilight Sparkle, she likes to read, so I was wondering if you’d seen her, since she loves to read,” did I mention she loves to read?

She just turned serious… I don’t like where this is going.

“Yes, I know her,” thank you, gods of luck! “Or rather, I knew her…” oh, screw you!

She dons a bitter face and sits down. “She was one of the regulars here, and well, she read everything… And I do mean EVERYTHING. Ever since a young age, she came to read here after school, she checked out so many books, we actually had to give her a special card for her alone,” that’s Twilight alright.

“So she doesn't come here anymore...?” she looks at me dejectedly.

“No, for she did something I never thought possible for anyone,” she raises her arms and makes circular notions. “She read it all.”

“You mean… All as if literally, or…”

“She read every book in the library, it was one of the biggest feats I’ve ever come across, and of course, since she read everything…”

“She stopped coming,” I finish for her.

“Woow! Pinkie says, still there, surprisingly quiet and composed, I might add. “She is such an egg-head!” she is being awfully mean now… Is she on her pe- Oh, wait.

“Yes, well…” she clears her throat and gets on her feet. “Anyway, is that all you wanted?” I look at her thankful for the information, and well, I can’t help but repay her the only way I know how.

“You can’t have fun without a library card.”

~~~~~

Minutes later, we find ourselves out of the place, both of us with a library card in hand.

“Siiiiiiiigh!” depression hits me instantly.

“What’s the matter? Pat my boy?” she says cheerily. Not helpful.

“Well, outside the obvious, this was the only lead I had on her…” she looks at me and grins, she obviously doesn’t know what a ‘sad’ moment is, I should have expected it.

“Um…” she grabs her chin and seems to be thinking about something, then, she snaps her fingers and reaches into her bag, taking out a pair of earphones.

“What are you do-”

“Hush!” she quiets me down, putting the earphones in my ears, she takes out what seems to be a music player, and turns it on, I’m not surprised when a track begins playing. “Yoink!” she grabs the other earphone from my ear as the music keeps playing, and I can see her start moving and… Is she?

“Pinkie, are you danc- Woah!” my question drops as soon as I’m dragged back to the mall. I take a gander at everyone else, as they are moved out of the way by the running Pinkie, we arrive at what seems to be a food joint and then-

“You know, who I am!
And what I’m here to doo!
A smile, a grin or a--ny----thing, to make you feel at ease!” is she singin- Woah! We jump to another table, her singing never faltering in the slightest.

“There is no need to fret!
There is no need to frown!
‘Cause the pink girl in front of you!
Will cheer you up right now!” I notice the music take a familiar tune, which instantly makes my inner fan boy squeal in devilish delight.

“Because Pi---nkie will make you, smile, or grin!
Either one!
It will fill her heart with joy that makes he---r thrilled!
Oh it does!” a cover of ‘Smile -Equestria Girls edition’… Am I dreaming?

“And sh--e will do her best to make it SO!” we falter a bit, as we trip and jump off the table, barely making it to the ground on our feet.

“Um, Pinkie? You alr-”

“aND When YoU feel SAD or LONELY!” Um…
“Pinkie Pie is here TO TELL YOU IT’S NOT THAT BAD!

“P-Pinkie? What’s wrong? You are… Sweating a lot…” I say, noticing her trembling knees and her loss of the beat.

“Pinkie! I think you might want to go… Now,” says a voice out of nowhere.

“And one thing that makes me happy is t-that… I HAVE TO GO!” the music stops as the music player and headphones are taken alongside Pinkie Pie, leaving me with about as much understanding of the situation as I had back in Calculus… Which is none at all.

“My… The poor dear seems to have chosen a bad time to sing,” says a familiar voice next to me, I turn my head and notice the whitest chick I have ever met… I wish I was joking.

“Duh…” I say literally as I gaze upon the whitest white I’ve ever seen, I am simply lost in its whiteness, there could not be more white even if I tried… White.

“Are you… Alright?” she asks, noticing my subtle stare into the void that is her skin.

“U-um, yes! I am… Sorry,” I apologize.

“That’s quite alright, you aren’t the first one to gaze upon my beauty so awkwardly, “ yup, only one person -or rather, pony- would be so modest.

“I take it you are Rarity?” she doesn’t seem too surprised as I guess her name.

“I see you’ve heard of me, but I’ve heard of you too,” really...? “You were the guy who gave Sunset Shimmer that slap, correct? I saw that, and let me tell you that was brutally good! That vile woman deserved that!”

“Um, thank, I guess?” women abuse for the win? “So, what is up with Pinkie? She just stopped,” Rarity giggled openly, pointing at the nearest seat.

“Come now, sit down, no need to stand up waiting for her,” we sit down in the nearest bench, as Rarity brings out a few magazines and sets them by her side; a pair of fashion magazines, an odd ‘law’ in one of them sticking out. “Well, to explain Pinkie’s behavior, let’s just say she picked the worst time to burst into song, and leave it at that,” she brings out a bottle of water, pointing at it in hopes I get it.

“I… See,” I say, understanding the situation; Pinkie has to take a piss. Rarity would be so proud of my refined speech. “So… How may I help you?”

“I was just passing by, nothing important… But enough about me, let‘s talk about you, how long have you and Pinkie…?” my ‘awkward-o-meter' starts tingling;

“How long…?”

“Well, I won’t say it outright, but I hope you are treating her right, she is a delicate girl, you know? Even if she can be overly open and downright crude about some things,” Rarity explains to my ever increasing uncomfortable self.

“Rarity, we are-”

“Oh, and don’t forget to use protection with her! We are still in high school! You wouldn’t want the scandal to get her p-” THE NOPE TRAIN IS LEAVING THE STATION.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah… Woah! It’s not like that! What are you, a teena-” wait…”Anyway! We are NOT going out, geez… What would even make you think that…” she stares at me innocently enough, she smiles and nods in understanding.

“I see, well, forgive my assumptions…” she is smirking… I don’t like it when Rarity smirks. “In any case, it was a pleasure to meet you, Mr…”

“Lemon Lime, but call me Pat, should have said that earlier.”

“That’s alright, and… Cute name,” for some reason, it feels more diminishing when she says it. “I need to apologize for cutting this short, but I was in a rush already, pleased to meet you and… Can you tell Pinkie that I’ll call her later, please?. Ta ta!” well, that was cringe worthy.

Minutes later, the Pink Whirlwind returns.

“Baaaack!” I hear a voice, as I see a shadow over me, then notice the form of Pinkie land on the seat across me, perfectly balanced and without a single hair out of place.

The judges award it a 10/10/10

“Oh, hey Pinkie…” I greet her as she takes out her music player again, I put my hands over it and shake my head. “No, it’s okay, I feel better now. Thank you,” she smiles -a warm, and very sincere one at that- and puts the thing away, then looking at me apologetically.

“Sorry for leaving so suddenly… But well, when you gotta go, you gotta go!” couldn’t have said it better myself.

“I know, it's no problem," I remember my earlier meeting and decide to inform Pinkie. "By the way, Rarity was here, she says that she’ll call you later,” Pinkie looks around wildly, getting on top of the table and looking around as she spins on her heel. “She is gone, she was on a rush.”

“Oh… Did she say… Something,” she asks me, closing in to me, her eyes partly closed as if suspicious of something.

“She said… Hi?”

“… Okey, dokey, lokey…” she finishes, backing away ever so slightly. “So, wanna go have some fun now?” I stare at her as she jumps on her seat, and well… She actually cheered me up… What’s some fun going to do?

“Yippee! Let’s go!” she says, apparently reading my mind again. The wild Pinkie Pie ride never ends, it seems.

~~~~~

“Phew!” I’m now back in my room , as I look to the amount of stuff I bought on the edge of my bed, I sigh... Satisfied. Huh.

“You know? Even if I didn’t find Twilight, that was fun… I should do this more often,” I do feel a slight disappointment, but… Gotta suck it up, I guess. I lazily move towards my bed and worm my way into my covers, I don’t bother to undress as I slowly, fall… as…leep…

BEEEP!

“Fuck biscuits!” I get up instantly and reach for the source of the noise, I fall off my bed as I try to reach for my it, and I hear a noise as it collides with my head -ouch, by the way- I look at it and groan once I realize it turned off due to the impact and begrudgingly turn it back on. If there is something I hate, is the fact that phones like this take ages to load.

“Christ…” I go into the inbox and find an unknown number, I nearly send it to the spam folder for later, but I still open the message, and my eyes widen as I read the words.

“I know what you are looking for, and I can help you… If you are interested, meet me behind the bleachers after school on Monday.”

~~~~~~~~~~

In case you were wondering, the chapter ends here, however, I had another way for the story to progress, which is seen after this message that you are probably rolling your eyes to at this moment! But since you are still reading, give it a read anyway, it’s short.

Enjoy! (or not)

“Come on! I know how to cheer you up!” I’m suddenly being dragged back to the mall by Pinkie, I feel my head being grabbed, and then turned to the… Oh. My. God. The flashing, the chattering, the smell of sweat and lack of deodorant… An arcade!

“Pinkie, how did you…”

“Let’s go kill things!” no objections there, your honor.

We are soon driving around in some of the cabinets, as well as shooting mobs of zombies after zombies, it goes on as we keep enjoying different genres of games, until she beats me in the fighting ones… She has a mean fighting game ‘game’.

“Oh, let’s try this one!” she points to a Dance, Dance, Revolution machine.

“But I suck at this one!” she grabs my hand and pulls me on top, she inserts the coins and the song prepares itself as it loads. “P-Pinkie!”

“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m here with you!” I never thought that such simple words would help but… They did, I nod slightly more confident and begin the game, I’m soon following the on-screen instructions, dancing alongside her, I look towards her and see her smiling all the way through each step, her feet never missing a step, in my case, I’m awful, and I can hear people cheer for me despite my suckiness, as now a crowd has gathered due to Pinkie’s awesome moves.

The music dies down and I see the screen: Pinkie Pie with a Perfect score… And water is wet, I think it’s just something that just is.

“Wooh! That was tiring!” she says, huffing a lot, and I laugh, I had fun… I had fun. I guess she isn’t the element of Laughter for no reason.

“Thank you, Pinkie.

Author's Note:

Sorry for the huge delay, but I've doing far more important things -namely, stuff you shouldn't care for- and I've have not been able to write as much as I wanted.

Anyway, this chapter may not be on par with the others in terms of quality (HA!), but it still is something that I hope you all enjoy.

And if you find something that may seem wrong, go ahead and criticize me, that way I can cry myself to sleep tonight.