• Member Since 11th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Cromegas_Flare


"To become who you are meant to be. You must first accept your flaws, then make them into your strengths; only then, can you fully be who you are meant to be"

T

Daring Doo had just found a new friend, Indigo Spring is her name.

As they travel deep into the Everfree Forest, Daring Doo finds a Shocking secret about Indigo. A secret that will Break her to the core.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 13 )

That was somewhat unsettling...
Also I don't think it needs the sad tag.

3304354
In a good or bad way?

3310945
I'm not sure. It just was. It's an awful cycle that will never get broken.

3310951
Ya it is based on a nightmare I had.

This was a good read, with only just a few major flaws that could distract some people.

The dialogue didn't feel very natural, like an elementary school play. I good tip on writing dialogue: after you've written a couple paragraphs, try speaking the dialogue as if you were saying it in actual conversation to someone. If it doesn't sound right, it needs a rewrite. (Hey that's a good jingle.:duck:)

I felt there was a little too much exposition thrown at once. You should've spread it out in the story a little bit, let information about the character flow naturally instead of forcing it on the reader.

On to the pros

Your ability to describe and paint a picture is near flawless, though you do need to work on using less of the word "she".

This is a really interesting premise as well as a creative idea. Your ability to describe really helped it through the rough patches.

Final score: 6/10, I just think you need to plan out your ideas a bit more. Just a little.

3319961
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind, and copy so I know what I need to improve on.

3319961
Oh and I forgot.

I just think you need to plan out your ideas a bit more. Just a little.

To be honest I was just bored and wrote this...So ya, I could of planed it out better.

Puts a whole new meaning to being Stuck in a Book :trollestia:

I'm sorry, but this really needs an editor; the grammar pulls away from what is happening in the story. No rating until fixed.

5043202
Yes, it needs to be edited. I've been busy with other projects, preventing me on rewriting it.

This is probably my most flawed, yet most creative story... I'll be sure to let you know when done.:moustache:

I thought this was pretty awesome. It was a great read!

good read just towards the end felt like a setup for a second chapter or book. honestly if you really wanted to you could make a pretty dope set of chapters. hey idk that ending made me think of the next part that could be written for example it made me think that daring finds dash after she gets out of the book and teaches dash how to be a explorer just like her, just a idea from me. -if you don't want to continue the series then if i may continue it for you- ~a fellow writer

7810523
As much as I love this story, I have no problems with you starting your own work. Isn't that what fan fictions about? And I'm sure you can do a lot of a better job than me.

Go ahead!

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