Dylan Sparks, a college engineering student and brony to the heart, ends up in Equestria after he falls asleep one night. Strangely he is still in a human form. What is even stranger is that when he falls asleep in Equestria he wakes back up in the human world. Is it some crazy luck that brings our friend to his dreamland, or are their greater forces at work behind the scenes.
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I also hate it when the human is transformed into a pony. great story, i love human in equestria stories.
Tracked
277571 Thank you. I hope to make it even better as it continues.
I remember that whole sleep here be awake there effect from the "Stravaganza" series... heard of them or did you come up with it yourself?
I´ll be keeping track of this, you got me hooked.
278125 Never heard of the series, but now I kinda want to read it for some idea on how to do this well. The idea actually came after a slightly too real dream one night about being in Equestria.
Very interesting :) Along with Stravaganza, an excellent read would be Ted Dekkars The Circle trilogy. I absolutely loved it when I read it, and it goes with yours nicely :)
Also, love those dreams. I've had a few, and while some were more nightmarish, they're something to cherish.
Flow is about right. You didn't tell Pinkie your name, and it's her 4th wall breaking that tells her, you should mention it. Also, remove fyi and make it flow into the prose a bit better. Well done otherwise :)
Not a bad concept. Intro was a bit standard though it wasn't drawn out. My only gripe so far are some spelling mistakes.
They stick out like a sore thumb. Also good call about the new species thing and Fluttershy from the few HiE stories I've bothered to read, many write Shy as if she were meeting a pony. She really should be more interested considering she got all hyper about Spike.
This is moving quite fast, but its not too bad. Imo you probably could compile this and your last chapter as one chapter.
Also look out for those spelling errors or I'll attempt to liberate the earth again
280565 I was thinking about combining the two chapters, but I plan to have one chapter for each pony I meet in the beginning. Expect about five or six 1200-1500 word length chapters. About the errors, if it's mostly then and than, I'm sorry. I always get them mixed up with each other.
A good reference for "then" and "than" is that "than" is used for comparisons: "x is better than y", and "then" is for everything else. Here's another tip, it's something I see writers struggle with all the time: farther and further.
Farther and further refer to phsyical and figurative distance respectively. Farther: "How much farther?" Further:"We will speak of this no further."
A good tip to remember that farther is phsyical is that it has the word "far" in it.
282311 Thanks for the heads up.
289489 Did I hear COOKIES!
I LOVE COOKIES!
i looked through my tracking yesterday and wondered "why am i tracking this one?"
Thanks for reminding me, although my inner nerd/scientist/conspiracy-theoretic is highly intrigued on the ways magic seems to work there.
very interesting concept.
Pro skills, Dy!
)
Anyways..
Will be loooooooooooooking forwards to more chapters. This is enjoyable to read (Fus Ro Dah?
"threw town" through
"Dash showed me he" Her
Not sure if this was intentional, but "don't spoke 'em" you may have meant spook. Same with the next line. Though if you were going for her southern accent, that works too.
"your Big Mac" you're
"no that the introductions" now
"your arm" unless he explained it and I missed it earlier, AJ wouldn't know to call it an arm. "Those scrawny lil' front legs o yours" might be a good swap.
"shrinked" shrunk
Now that my ocd is satisfied, very nice chapter :) Excellent catch on the weight of the iron. Most would have glazed over it, but you made a point to correct it :)
320732 Three things I got to say to you.
1) I fixed what you pointed out and caught a few things myself so thank you.
2) About the arms, did someone forget about Spikey-Wikey?
and 3) Thanks for the iron thing. I'm ocd about that kind of stuff. Thanks for noticing.
321680 Ah! You're absolutely right! I didn't think about Spike or other armed creatures.
so his hands are going to be called claws some time before he explains that right?
Very nice chapter :) Noticed this on the way down: "form upstairs".
So, elemental magic. I've got to wonder if his powers now extend to the other world, at least on some level. *grins and waits for more*
hmm. interesting concept. i will check it out. In the mean time, EVERYONE CHECK OUT PONYFALL. IT IS QUITE A HUGE PROJECT AND WILL LEAVE YOU WITH SOMETHING TO READ EVERY DAY.
SO MUCH WIN
Ha! I'm guessing the good Doctor wasn't expecting to see a human around these parts? Especially one with a weapon.
Ok, I need a little help on something. As most of you reading this know, next chapter will be a crusader chapter. It's about half done now, but I want a vote on something. Should I give the Crusaders what I believe would be the best fitted cutie marks for them (1), give it to them in a later chapter (2) or never ever ever give them their cutie marks
(3)
awesome
You mind reader you :D I was going to ask when we'd get to see our beloved alicorns, and boom! There they are :D
The xbox comments out of place. Maybe something with more story flow "off the xbox. Neither of us have a ps3, xbox's are 20% cooler at least"
"off my shit, to" I believe you meant shirt and too? (shit works too, but sounds a touch out of character)
"escue"
Proposal has the obvious double entandre of marriage, so if you wanted to, you could play that up for a moment. It'd make for some good mood whiplash :D
Good chapter, can't wait to see how he handles the princess's
373007 The shit stays, I think it sorta fits in with the tired tone.
Can't find the escue to fix...
What's this about a propsal?
Also, happy to meet your want of Princesses
Fair enough. Its still a bit harsh, but if he's properly exhausted it makes sense.
"Now, if you escue me,"
"Well, I have a proposal."
"What kind?"
"Do you know a filly named Scootaloo?"
Maybe something like "But we've only just met?!" or "Not interested bub. You're not my type" ect
And yes, my craving for awkward alicorn awesomeness is unquenchable.
373067 OK, I put in a little something funny at the proposal part, hope you like it.
Now, if you excuse me, TO THE WRITERS BOARD FOR AWKWARD ALICORN AWESOMENESS TIME!!!
Here is a comment, give me a muffin
Random Muffin Comment Count (RMCC): 1
375587 Derpy, please prepare the muffin cannon for our guest.
th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/158/6/e/muffin_cannon_by_maximillianveers-d3ib3bd.png
376416
Yay!! Muffins!!!
oohhh this is something new to me. Greek gods in a MLP Fiction... well i like it so far and great story
That was an excellent ploy. Answered all the right questions without giving anything away. Well done
I have to ask, do you worship the Greek Gods, or was it a character choice? I've always considered looking up the elder religions and studying them to choose something to believe, but a part of me nagged that if it were the true workings of the heavens, it wouldn't die out as a civilization crashed. I'd love to hear your perspective if you do
HADOKEN!
...I'm sorry, but I can't really give this a good rating because this story is too clichéd.
I mean, it pretty takes every single HiE stories' plot devices and muddles them up all into one fanfic. First, a brony get warped into Equestria every time he falls asleep (blacks out) with no reason what so ever. Then, he meets the main six, who either accept him immediately or shows little signs of fright/caution towards the human (Except for Fluttershy, but that's just because her personality is like that). After that, he suddenly gets these new found magical powers that are briefly explained but otherwise left out in the rest of the story. Furthermore, his arcane knowledge is limited but yet he knows how to combine and create powerful spells that even Twilight, the ELEMENT OF MAGIC cannot wrap around her head.
I think my forehead is now red from how many times I've facepalmed, identifying another clichéd plot element in this story.
386599 Well, I actually do follow Greek Polytheism. The religion didn't die so much as when the the civilization died, it was more of them being forced to change to Roman ways after their conquest to conversion to Christianity. I think that if it wasn't for the Greek Polytheism would still be around today, though not as a major religion.
387362 I am thinking about making a sequel, continue on or something like that. I'll think about Kratos though.
386948 I answered the question of why he is there in the first place in chapter ten. Also, don't forget that the person who is the main character is a gamer along with an engineer, so he has seen a lot of different forms of magic along with have a pretty decent IQ level. I sorta wanted to make it seemed implied that he tried things from the games he plays, and some of which the world hasn't seen before. Proving that even though his actually magic abilities may be limited in the terms of how to cast them, which I showed with detail in the beginning, his actual knowledge of the arcane is not at that level. That's also the whole reason why its an imagine and it will happen concept, letting the imagination and intellect take over for spell-casting, which I assure you, the character has.
Another thing about the story, I said it was my first one, and it gets a lot better as it goes on in my opinion. I am not a very good writer in real life, and most of the chapters are a third or fourth draft before they go in. If the story seems to cliche, then I truly apologize.
387617 Well, judging that god of war took place way back in ancient Greece, I think that the time frame is taken out. How i'll make him i just don't know, but as I said, I'll think about it.
387581 That actually makes me pretty darn happy
I'd have to go through and decide between Greek polytheism, Norse Asgard, Egyptian, Roman mythology (pre-christianity) and then the standard religions to get to that place though. What was the specific reason you chose the Greek Gods?
387653 I am actually Greek myself. I thought the myths, wait stories, were pretty cool and taught valuable lessons. It was mainly because I'm Greek though.
387685 Ah lol. Its a better reason than some of the people I know :D I've always loved the detail and elegance of the Greek mythos. Primarily the architecture of how Gods and Demi-Gods work in it. Ever read Norse mythology? That there's some crazy stuff.
387703 Yea, I've read it, though not a lot. I should actually get back into it. Anything you recommend I look out for?
387788 Loki is my particular favorite, considering his children and the fate that befalls all at his hands during ragnarok. For that matter, Ragnarok itself is fascinating. I've read Revelations from Christian mythology back to front, and I can say that both are absolutely insane ways for the world to end.
Pretty good so far. It's feeling a tad bit like a Percy Jackson crossover...first thing to come to my mind.
408784 I know it feels like that, but I got a way to get it out of that feel. It'll happen next chapter. I'm glad you enjoy it.
No one gets first but ME!!!
Sorry it took a while and isn't very long, been really busy with school and work so haven't had much time to write. That should clear up in a week or so, hopefully. If anyone is asking, Sacramareto is suppose to be Sacramento from California in really life.
CALLED IT! I KNEW THE GUY WOULD START SCREAMING AND FAINT WHEN HE SAW PINKIE
...Haven't even read a third of the way through Ch. 1 and I'm already freaking out over pointlessness.