• Member Since 21st Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 24th, 2014

Romaji


Hello, I'm a writer with A thought process that can be visualized as a ball of wires in 4-dimensional space. What do you mean that's completely random?

T
Source

The year is 2025. A laboratory experiment created the mane six 5 years ago. It's been a secret for five years now.
But now, the world will know of all their hard work. The world will know of these loveable, cute and smart fillies and their benefit to the future of mankind.
Sadly, not everyone sees the potential.
If you dislike the story, please tell me why in the comment section. I can only be as good as my feedback allows me to be.
got a [img]http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/e/d/emeralds_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70opth.jpg[/img] from The Gem Hunters!
Has a TVTropes page!

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 88 )

Consarn it, Pinkie Pie! :ajbemused:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

3315144 Laugh it up while you can.
There is a reason I put the sad tag on.

If I had £1 for every time Pinkie broke physics, I'd be the richest person alive....

:pinkiehappy:
Cute! Can't wait to read more!

3315563 {EVIL LAUGH IN THE DISTANCE}

3315691 You'll see soon...

3315951 You should favorite it to see where it goes.

If you don't know where that is, it's the star button

3316026 Of course I know its the star button. What kind of freak do you take me for? Some kind of Nazi?

3316031 Well, given the icon...:rainbowwild:

3319002 I removed the sad tag, because it doesn't fit the story...
Yet.

3319076 It does get better... But not until about two chapters of... I said too much. The house of cards will fall.

I Love how I made the House Of Cards collapse so nicely

It was so cute

WAS

3320611 I have no idea why I wind this comment hilarious

"cruel to her lately"

an understatement

3488276 of the highest degree.
((All so, more people should comment))

3319076 what happened?
The sad part is ending! for a while.

Well. Hey, is it too early to make Kitt death jokes?
Looks like that mob just created the wonderful game of ding-dong witch. How so?

So yet another disaster strikes WitchLab 2021. At least it wasn't sharks this time.

GeneralZoi, the one who ordained PonyCreator G4.0.3 must be peeved to see no one creating OCs anymore.

Any time is breaktime. Just blast open a Kitt-kat bar, and... oh.

And now for some serious dissonance. Reread this chapter while listening to this song:
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM]

All around the la~ab they went, breaking up equipment~
They wasted not their a~ammo, but Kitt still got a shipment!

Aaaannnnd last but not least, the only two problems I have with this chapter other than its short length (and therefore no build-up to Kitt's death, which kinda lead me to be all "ehhh..." about it), are that you use periods when dialogue ends like "Oh no." Kitt said in a worried voice.
It should be: "Oh no," Kitt said in a worried voice. Same goes for thoughts. I'm... I'm all alone, Twilight thought to herself, trembling. I... I don't want to be alone. She looked over at Kitt's body, still unmoving, through tear-blurred eyes. Momma... I... I don't want to be alone... Please...

The other thing is tense changes. Dialogue usually happens presently or describes something in the past, but narration should be consistent.





Also, another thing. Where are the rest of the Mane Six, and the other scientists? Were they taken captive? Rescued? Did they run away? No matter which it is, why the hell did they leave Twilight? Rarity was cleary in the room when Kitt was shot, and since it said "the others all shot up, awake," I would imagine that meams all six were there. Also, how did the mob find the lab? Did the news team give out their global coordinates? Was a news crewman part of the mob? This chapter was lackluster in the extreme, and I consider lengthening it quite a bit, and adding more substance to it. This is still a great idea, but it's like saying bacon flavored cotton candy is a good idea. It tastes somewhat meaty, with the barest hint of what you think of when you hear 'bacon,' but it's ninety percent air and stringy bits that dissolve in your mouth too quickly to get a sense of enjoyment. I'm retracting my fave for know, but I'll keep this bookmarked for infrequent perusal, and once it's regained my interest completely, I'll fave once more. If you need an editor or idea bouncer, look me up on Skype. Username SBM's Blind Riffs, account name super_big_mac.

3494677 you gave A really good comment, but one thing I have to comment on.
There is a third chapter already out!
Read that ok?
Please?

3494677 I will build up kit's death in chapter 3 and several others yet to come.

alright ... the story idea is good, almost solid even. HOWEVER your presentation leaves much to be desired. It feels like you're trying to make the conflict thought provoking and dramatic, but it's feels extremely forced.:fluttershyouch: Your imagery isn't quite vivid enough for me to see the d'aw moments that you want me too, and I feel like the reactions to basically talking animals and magic was extremely muted. I don't feel like your mother figure actually feels like a mother figure, she just seems like a stiff character that's sort of just ... there. Not to mention that your setting is sort of blank as well, I have no idea even what continent they could remotely be on (for all I know this is in a high rise built on the south pole). Also, you switch between present and past tense often and it was extremely grating.:twilightangry2:

to conclude: You have the outline of a possibly decent story world, but the writing and descriptions leave much to be desired. :pinkiesick:

Sorry, I know you wanted comments, but I feel like this glass needs to be shattered and re-purposed as ... something you make from recycled glass ... This is not something I would read until things like this are addressed. BUT if these kinds of things have been addressed in the following chapter, simply take this as advice for what people like to see in an opening chapter. (no hook here, you need to draw a reader in)

Hay I live in NJ to awesome :rainbowkiss:

3546016 I don't actually.

Id like to say I have enjoyed what little bit I have read so far that said come on a Genetics facility that created something like that would have some serious security a buncha yahoos with shotguns would not make it far it seems but, *shrugs* what ever not my story keep it up.

3547770 It is odd, isn't it? :rainbowwild:
You'll find out what really happened later
Also, you have 2 more chapters to read!
go for it! :twilightsmile:

yay this story update and i like it and i can't wait for the next chapter to come out

I can tell this is going to be an interesting story. I like the idea that the main six were genetically engineered.

Twilight just experienced one of the horrors in our human world. Mobs and guns. That combo has evil written all over it. Also I am going to agree with Super_Big_Mac on the fact that we don't know what happened to the other five. Were they killed? Did they run away as well?

God bless Dev's soul. He shows how kind humans can be.

Dev seems mysterious now. What does he mean by 'some other kind of Deviant?'

3556051 Sexual Deviant.
:facehoof:

3556061 :pinkiegasp: Twilight is going to experience another horror that humanity, more specifically human males have to offer. Now I need to see what happens.

3556078 :facehoof::facehoof: No, He's saying that he Isn't that, and it would be bad if she did end up with someone like that insted

3556087 Then that goes back to the 'bless his soul' comment I made.

3518086
A few other things, to expand on these points.

Having the 911 call go to voice mail is ridiculous. 911 doesn't even have voice mail, because under no circumstances would they allow that place to be unmanned (anything severe enough to cause that would give the angry mob bigger things to worry about). It would be more believable to say that the lab is too far from the nearest police station for the police to get there in time to stop the mob from breaking in and doing their thing.

Secondly, the shotgun punching through the lock and killing Kittery is kind of a stretch. It puts a lot of strain of my willingness to suspend disbelief where you could easily just say that he fired again as soon as the door swung open. It's a nitpick, but it's the kind of thing that makes people quicker to roll their eyes the next time something improbably happens.

Thirdly, the entire reason there's an angry mob there is to wreck the lab and kill the ponies (and scientists). That's fine, a lot of people wouldn't like seeing anyone play God like that. But why would an angry mob go to all the trouble of arming themselves, rallying up, and storming a lab if they aren't going to kill the ones that set them off? They kill Kittery, sure, but when Twilight throws the guys aim off he just laughs it off, says she'll die in a week anyways, and then makes a comment about not having to waste ammo on her. Shotgun shells aren't expensive, and since her existence alone was enough to make this guy kill at least one person it's really hard to believe he'd just shrug and assume she'll die on her own time.

tl;dr--the story isn't believable enough, and I say that knowing it's about a lab that created unicorns and Pinkie Pie.

3573324 Thank you for pointing out things that aren't what they seem.
I'm going to say this once, and I'll probably say this again: The mob isn't what it seems.
...
Well, except for problems with the shotgun punching through the lock and killing Kittery.
I thought it wasn't that much of a stretch if the shotgun was right to the door. :twilightsheepish:

Also, another key point: The "Mob" lies. You don't know what really happened, just what Twilight thinks did.

Final key point: The police station was deliberately manipulated to make this happen.

I'll explain what really happened later.

3573534
Good to see you've thought these things out, but it would help to make it more clear that things are not as bizarre as they seem (or a different kind of bizarre, anyway). I do suggest making the phone fail to connect instead of the voice mail. If possible, making the whole angry mob sequence more surreal and focusing on Twilight's reactions would help establish that we're seeing what she sees, not what's actually happening.

Not trying to be 'that guy' (the one that hates everything), but you gave the go-ahead for constructive criticism in the description so I figured I'd provide some. This is a pretty unique concept, so it's not as easy to simply wander off like it would be if this were another "bullied brony lands in Equestria" story.

3573829 I enjoy that you provided constructive criticism.
I will take it to head and will edit that chapter accordingly.
Also, thank you for calling my ideas unique!

Romaji when will the next chapter for this story come out

3598615 I can't give you an exact date, but there are two chapters a month.
So, two new chapters by the end of the month

This is the best story ever! :flutterrage:

Good job sir, you have created a masterpiece :pinkiehappy:

10/10 for me, woohoo :scootangel:

dude, your awesome. Keep up the awesome stories :moustache:

Well then, this was . . . different. Not entirely in a good way, but not all in a bad way.

Let me just start by saying that there is nothing personal about what I am about to say, this is simply my response and reaction to most fics on Fimfiction and a habit of mine as the founder of one of the larger teaching groups. Okay, let's get down to it. First off, you have problems with tense. Sometimes your character's actions will be done in past tense, but their narrative will be in present tense. Second, your depictions of the ponies as individuals is fairly OoC (Out of Character). I don't believe for a moment that Twilight would ever use the word "fuck" with such a frequency that she does in this story, even if her caretaker and 'mother' was murdered right in front of her. Third, you are really pushing my willful suspension of disbelief to extremes here. A mob of right-wing nutjobs breaks into a lab and kills everyone inside except the one thing they really came to kill, when in fact research and experimental biological laboratories are some of the most secure facilities in the world; they have the absolute latest in security technology as well as a crack team of privately contracted security guards on location at all times. And Twilight, despite having been raised in one of the most sterile places possible, immediately knows what a Starbucks is, what's safe to eat, and how to use a computer. Fourth, the randomness of this story, with it switching back and forth between memory, the present, and even nightmares detracts from the story as a whole. And what is the added value of throwing in Lovecraftian Old Ones?

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