Mutant

by Romaji

The plan

2025, May 23, 9:42 AM
Twilight awoke to find the house was silent.Wait, where's Dev?

This would have led to a frantic and panicked search through the house, about 4.2 emotional breakdowns (The .2 is for a minor emotional upset, not a full breakdown. Yes, that's way too precise) and 7 flashbacks. All of this was avoided because of a sticky note on the unicorn's horn. Wait, what's that on my horn?

Twilight, I have a job. I was able to make a vacation yesterday, but today I need to to work.
I'll be back by about 5:15 PM. Don't run on everything like a cat or a dog. I left some crackers and cheese out for your breakfast and lunch. Don't eat them all at once. Oh, and there is a bowl of water on the table too.
Wait, do you know how to read a clock? Or even what one is? It's a device used to tell time, their is one in my room. It shows numbers... Aw nevermind. I'm not going to explain what a clock is on a sticky note. Or dogs and cats.

Twilight, thankfully, already knew how to read a digital clock. She still didn't understand what a dog was, or what this new idea of a cat was. There has to be some way I can find out what these things are.

She realized she could search for it on the laptop. I still have the knowledge box! I just have to search "What is a dog" and "What is a cat"!

She ran to the stairwell, jumping off the stairs.

She realized very quickly that this was a bad idea. I'm going to tumble down the stairs. Unless I can somehow pick myself up.

She strained and struggled, and just as it was about to "Happen", she lifted herself enough to avoid it. Ok, that was way more dramatic then it needed to be. Not doing that again.

Getting back up from her less than grateful landing, she ran over to the laptop, logged in, searched "Dog", and clicked the first result.

The domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris)[2][3] is a subspecies of the gray wolf (Canis lupus), a member of the Canidae family of the mammalian order Carnivora. The term "domestic dog" is generally used for both domesticated and feral varieties. The dog was the first domesticated animal[4] and has been the most widely kept working, hunting, and pet animal in human history. The word "dog" can also....

[1]

Twilight couldn't understand it all. Never mind. I'll just ask fath... No, Dev. I don't have a father.

She sat back on her seat... Which was the table. Whoops.

She thought for a moment. I don't have a mom either. But Kittery was always my mom. Perhaps Deviant is my dad? Sure he can be. It shortens better.

She didn't remember what she was going to do for a moment, but then it hit her. I have to get on The Daily Show.

---

Ring...

Ring...

Ring...

"Hello, This is Comedy Central. I'm almost certain I can't help you, since we get so many calls, and there is only so many slots. Sorry!"

Twilight spoke into the phone, just like Kittery did in her last moments. "I would like to appear on the show."

"Figured you were going to ask that. Sorry miss, but we don't have just any little girls on the show."

Twilight got a little angry, but she kept it in. "I'm not a little girl, I'm a mare! Twilight to be exact."

The intern responded with confusion. "Um... Twilight's dead. Are you sure you're right in the head?"

Twilight's face scrunched. "If I was just some girl, could I say 'There you go, mister!' just like her?"

The intern sounded a little shocked, then realized (what he thought) was up. "Oh, nice new voice you got there, Tara Strong. Sorry, but you're not scheduled for a re-interview."

Twilight's build up of anger began to leak out a little. "I AM NOT TARA STRONG! ... What can I do to prove this?"

The intern chuckles. "If you could get twenty photos of 'yourself' in a variety of positions with natural lighting and email them to me, then I could show it to the boss. Like that's going to happen. My email is '[e-mail]'"

Twilight hung up. Well, I have a better idea of how to execute my plan. Now I just have to take the pictures, and email them to him.

Picking up a slice of stale cheese, and putting it in her mouth, she panicked a little. Oh, and I have to do all of that without dad knowing what's up, because if he does,he's not going to let me do it.

She shut the laptop down, put the phone back on the hook, and attempted to satisfy her hunger with the rest of the cheese and crackers.

---

Dev entered the front door. He felt like announcing he was home, but the fact Twilight wasn't sobbing he deduced he wasn't needed immediately. She takes remarkably good care of herself, given she just experienced extreme emotional trauma. I wonder what's up with that...

Twilight was sitting on the table in the kitchen when Dev walked in. "TWILIGHT! I TOLD YOU TO STAY OFF THE TABLE!"

Twilight used her trade mark puppy dog like eyes as she replied. "Sorry, daddy. It's a little hard to avoid it when it's the only way you can reach."

Dev looked at the fillies hooves. "I realise now that was inconsiderate of me and... Wait, what did you just call me?"

Looking a bit more concerned, Twilight replied. "Daddy..."

Dev burst into a rage at ridiculous speed. "I. AM. NOT. DADDY! I'M JUST SOME UNTRUSTWORTHY MAN THAT PICKED YOU OFF THE STREET! SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT YOU HAVE NO DAD! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAD! DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN, OR 'DADDY' WILL TOSS YOU BACK ON THE STREET! DON'T. TRUST. ME."

Twilight fell backwards. Never mind. He's Dev, not dad. Good to know.

Dev's teeth clenched. "ARE WE CLEAR!?"

Twilight whimpered back. "Yes, dadd-" She stopped, then backpedaled. "I mean, Dev."

Dev's face relaxed only slightly, his jaw still tight. "Good enough. Now I'm going to watch the news."

He walked into the living room, turned on the TV, and out of the speaker, Twilight heard, "New info on the LSD Burger King scandal in Japan. There have been reports that people have seen a pink pony like shape, similar to Pinkie Pie, presumed dead in the raid of the genetics lab on May 21.

"Said image appears to come up to them, say things in English, then walk out of line of sight. When someone goes around to investigate, the image is gone..."

Twilight's eyes light up with recognition. She begins banging on the door "LET ME IN!"

Dev turned the TV off. "Why would you want in? It's just the news."

Twilight whimpered at the door. "But that sounds like my friend!"

Dev laughed. "Heh. There is no possible way she could be there."

Twilight got stern. "I know her. you don't. Shut up."

Dev recoiled. "Rude!"

---

A week passed, Twilight took pictures of herself for her plan. She smiled when she sent them the Daily Show. I am such a smart pony, I found out how to take images and how to email on my own.

She called up the intern. "Am I Twilight now?"

"Wait, what?"

Twilight was confused. "Remember? Last time? About how you needed proof I was Twilight?"

The voice on the other end recognized something. "Oh, I'm not the person you last spoke with. Do you have anything that points to him?"

Twilight thought for a moment, then said. "His email is '[e-mail]'."

The intern that she called last time picked up. "Oh, so I got the email. I can't let you get on the show without an adult. I'm assuming he's out right now?"

Twilight sighed. "Call back in two hours."

"For what?"

Twilight sighed again. "To confirm the time of the interview."

Author's Note:

[1] taken from Wikipedia, 1/7/2014 at 12:59 PM eastern time.
Dev's isues with being "daddy" and having issues with being close to Twilight was to combat the notion he was a gary-stu. Thanks to JumpingShinyFrogs for tipping me off.

Comments

[JumpingShinyFrogs]

Commitment issues. Nice one. Not used very often as a flaw.

[Romaji]

3823717 Well, anything else would wreck the plot.
And It lets me have something for him that wouldn't otherwise show up.

[Slendermare]

Good so far. I wouldn't deny pinkie being in japan, and I'm not surprised they thought whether she and/or bystanders were high on LSD.

[Romaji]

3842882 There is something more to it.
If you read closely, you'll see that it started earlier, and it's a new development.

[Slendermare]

3842915 I saw. I still stick with my comment.

[Dark Avenger]

This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews

Dear witnesses of this review,

Depending on how much you could be arsed to find out how you computer functions, thus allowing you to spew forth all that rubbish the rest of the vat of sewage that is the internet has to eat up, and depending on your level of intelligence in order to comprehend it -- which I imagine is fairly low, and the quality of your “works of art” continues to support that opinion -- you may or may not have come across the semi-anecdotal conjecture that is Moore’s Law. In layman’s terms, it predicts that the processing power of computers doubles approximately every two years due to the manufacturers being able to squeeze twice as many circuits into them.

Sounds incredible, doesn’t it? Your sick porn cravings can be processed and satisfied twice as fast every two years! Amazing, right? Well, unfortunately, there is a considerable drawback to this progress. As these circuits become more and more complex, their power consumption grows exponentially along with it. Today, this is the reason why the battery in your “shitty” smartphone dies so fast, since in order to perform all those complex tasks (which are a lot more complex than you might imagine) as fast as you want it to, it eats up a lot of juice. As for the future, some have predicted that if Moore’s Law continues to apply the way it does now, we will use up all the energy in our entire galaxy within 180 years.

Yes, that’s right. Every moment you spend typing in the newest “shitty OC has sex with the Mane Six” story, you are forcing electrons to travel through the circuitry of your machine, not to mention the rest of the internet, and the energy required by this process will be forever lost.

All that said, to be honest, this is kind of how I feel about writing this review. It’s a waste of precious electrons. After all, almost everything that needs to be said about Mutant has already been said by that rotten bastard no good piece of my dear friend and colleague twitterdick in his review of another story of the author.

You get everything on the list: wonky grammar, disjointed structure, and a narrative which is sometimes passable, perhaps even impressive, but most of the time it is outrageous. You get random bursts of ALL CAPS and bold-italics combos to add unnecessary emphasis, parentheses containing stupid things being said by the narrator (sometimes directly to the readers), horrible dialogues, shitty pacing, retarded insertion of flashbacks, and what the fuck is this now?

Yep, this story is indeed a great waste of electrons.

I think the above can be summed up by pointing out that the story is in serious need of an editor, so instead I would like to focus on the plot. And if any of you snickered at the end of that last sentence, I invite you to ogle at the next “plot” you happen to come across from the smallest distance possible, especially if there’s a red ribbon on the tail.

Anyway, the plot. That is, if we insist on calling it that, because I would much rather call it a sodding train wreck. From what I could gather, a bunch of scientists have figured out a way to create sentient life, an event to which the most logical followup was them immediately wielding said ability to create six pastel colored cartoon equines and then fawn over their “adorableness” all day. The news shows up, tapes them, then a bunch of activists or rioting rednecks or whatever burst in, they kill the scientists, they don’t kill Twilight for whatever reason, she is forced to wander in the streets all alone, she has a bunch of flashbacks (a.k.a “the short bus of narration”) and a dream that involves the Cthulhu Mythos for no adequately explained reason, then some guy picks her up and takes her home, and I stopped reading this nonsense because the writing is so fucking terrible to look at…

Now, to be fair, I’m not saying this story was doomed from the start. Hell, while I was reading the first chapter, I was thinking: “Well, maybe this will get better as it progresses. Also, fuck the X-Men! The Mane Six as ‘mutants’ sounds far more interesting than a bunch of idiots in ridiculous skin-tight suits.” Disappointment was quick to strike, however, akin to a giant horsecock popping out of the screen and slapping me in the face, which isn’t too far off from the effect of being greeted by a sudden avalanche of giant letters, and then later by an unnecessary level of swearing added for “shock value” or whatever. And since I already had zero immersion in the story due to the aforementioned faults, their presence did not result in “a good ride being ruined,” but had more of an “I got flushed down a toilet, then got mauled by sewer alligators” kind of effect.

In my opinion, while the basic concept for the story is okay, nothing can salvage this mess in its current form, with all the text size changes, ALL CAPS, disjointed sections, and music links being thrown in, among other things. Admittedly, the latter wasn’t too bad at first, but there’s a way to do these things, not to mention a limit. The author does show signs of promise in some places, but they are too few and far apart. My advice: throw this away and start over, this time taking yourself seriously. Trust me, trying to shove emotions down my throat by manipulating the text itself just will not work. Even “random” stories require a level of clever structuring in order to have a decent effect. Vomiting all over the screen the way you did will not accomplish the same thing.

No, it will only waste electrons. Those poor, helpless electrons throughout the world that spend all day delivering covert information, monetary transactions, scientific data, and pony porn.

Please think about the electrons!

Sincerely,
Dark Avenger

[twitterdick]

4054443
Dear Dark Avenger,

A poem:

Dark Avenger; my one, my only, my stars,
let's escape this place; let's flee to Mars
to live together and frolic without a care!
...But not, like, in a gay way. I'm not gay. (I swear!)

Best wishes,
twitterdick

[Dark Avenger]

4058311

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/18607156.jpg

[Philosophysics]

5135798 When do you think this is going to be started again?

[ObeyBunny]

Oh, yeah. I remember this thing. Here, have a down vote.