Found
Twilight didn’t know who this man was. What is going to happen to me?
Dev held this shaking filly. His phone started playing a (fitting) song.
Twilight looked into his eyes, as if she could judge him through them. It was like she was trying to read a secret message hidden there.
This intense examination came to an end when he put her down in the back of the car. Make your choice now Twilight. Run or stay.
She weighed each option. She didn’t know him at all. He could be a mob member, finishing the job. He could make her into a monster. He could seal her away, never to be seen again.
On the other hand, she knew living on the street is hard. And the next time she got picked up, she might not have a choice. He could follow his word, be her new parent.
She chose to stay.
It was a hard choice, but all humans couldn’t be that bad, right?
Dev looked into the back seat, with Twilight Sparkle still there. “You made a good choice. You know I’m not going to hurt you like those immoral mob members.”
Twilight shook harder. The way he said immoral was just like how those… indescribably bad mom-killing “people” said it .… No, Twilight. Think logically. It has nothing to do with it.
Dev was somewhat concerned with her sudden shake. Did I say something wrong? No, must have had something to do with a bad memory.
Turning a corner, he realized something important, that should have been obvious. Raising this filly is going to be really, really hard.
The filly in question looked out the window. She’s never been in a car before. The world isn’t all bad. I just wish I had Kitt to explore it with me.
That was the last straw. She lost it.
“WHY? Why did she have to DIE? Did they even FUCKING THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY DID?” She screamed through tears.
Dev noted this. Like right now for example. He pulled off the road and got into the backseat.
Twilight looked at him through her tear covered eyes. “Y-You care?”
Dev looked back at her. He didn’t know all she went through today and yesterday, but he didn’t have to.
He had a mouth for comforting words and a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and arms to hug. “Yes Twilight, I care.”
Twilight tried to jump at him like she did at the man who tried to kill her, but it was weaker, and an expression of love, not hate.
Snuffling tears she squeaked out, stuttering “I-I-It’s n-nice t-to have someone who c-c-cares…”
Comforting her in his arms, he replied “I know, little filly.”
Twilight looked around Clendenny Ave “O-O-Oh, I’m sorry for inconveniencing you.”
Dev replied “No, I already made a wrong turn. It wasn’t a problem.”
The two looked eye to eye for a while, having a meeting of hearts through their eyes.
Finally, as Twilight’s tears begin to dry, he said “Are you going to be okay?” No, dumb Dev. That’s not going to work. You might as well be a murderer to her at this point. She doesn’t kno-
Twilight spoke up right then. “I’m going to be okay with you. You... care.”
Dev, getting back into the drivers seat, looked back at her. “Of course I do. That’s why I picked you up.”
When the car stopped, Twilight looked at the house they pulled into. “Th-This is your house, right?”
Dev looked at the house, a small one jammed next to another as if someone forgot the backyard. Well, besides Dev.
Then he looked back at Twilight, a small smile on his face “Well, you can call it that.”
Twilight looked up at him. “Do you call it that?”
“Yea, most of the time” He said as he picked her up and brought his stuff in too.
Twilight entered the main room, which was messy beyond anything she had seen before. Piles of stuff around the walls, like someone raked up all the stuff on the floor and called it cleaned. “Where is this all supposed to go?”
Dev didn’t expect this. First thing she notices is the mess. Well, it is quite visible. I was expecting her to noti- Okay, I don’t know what I expected. “Well, um…” He said, trying to think of a diversion from the mess.
“Because I can clean it up for you.” The filly responded, strangly intent on cleaning it up for him.
Dev looked at her with one eyebrow raised higher than the other as if to say ‘really?’. “You don’t have to do that. It’s fine for me.”
Twilight looked right back at him the same way. “No. I need to do this. Sort it all up.” She paused for a moment, noticing her sentence structure error. “I meant sort everything.”
Dev shrugged. If she wanted to… Wait. I’m missing something… Oh she must be hungry! That’s it! “Hey, you can do that later. I think you want some food, right?”
Twilight’s thoughts drifted back to her hungry stomach. “U-uh yea….”
Dev smiled, and was about to get some eggs when his smile faded and he froze. Oh crud, I don’t know if she can have this. “Heey… Have you had eggs before?”
Twilight thought about it for a moment. Oddly enough, she can’t remember either way. “I don’t remember.”
Dev looked around sporadically, as if the answer was written on the wall somewhere. Then he remembered the laptop. “Would the answer be on the laptop?”
Twilight replied tactfully, trying to avoid any emotion from leaking out. “Yes, it would. S-She... stored everything on there. Would probably be under food.”
Dev took the laptop out of his backpack. It was opened it up to The Daily Show website. Huh, she watches that. She being Kittery Abigail of course.
Dev went straight to the “Nutritional requirements” folder. Looking up from the computer, he put it away and said to her, “Well, the data says that there is no ill effects, so I’m cooking you scrambled eggs.”
Dev made scrambled eggs and set them on the table for himself and the starving filly. He gave the larger portion to Twilight.
Twilight looked at the food on her plate. “Y-You’re willing to give all of this to me?”
Dev smiled at her. “Well, you’re the starving one.” He thought for a moment and then noticed the lack of silverware. He placed some down for her. “It’s hot, so try using this to help hold it.”
Twilight awkwardly used the silverware to to eat the eggs. With each bite her eyes widen and her smile grew.
Dev smiled too. He was glad she ended up with him, rather than some other kind of Deviant.
Twilight finished her eggs and looked up at him.
Dev looked back and asked “Do you want some more?”
Twilight shook her head. “No, I’m full.” She then raced to clean up his stuff, which Dev hypothesised was to keep her mind off what she had seen.
He looked at the computer. Might as well look at some files. Learn some stuff about this … uhh... creation. That’s mine now.
On the computer, file magic.odt
.---MAGIC, AKA F5---
The most unique property these “ponies” has is the ability to control the Fifth fundamental force, called F5 or “Magic”. The other scientists call it force 5, (written F5) but I prefer the name magic. Since these are my notes, I’m going to use my name for it.
Anyway, magic was first discovered in an erratic batch of equine stem cells. Exactly what happened is not revealed to me or any of the other scientists. Why, has also not been revealed, but my idea is that he didn’t really look at it and was ashamed of being ridiculed.
That’s beside the point however. We’ve created these three different types of “pony” called Unicorns (proposed scientific name Animalia Chordata Mammalia Perissodactyla Hippomorpha Equidae Creavii Ceratinus shortened as C.Ceratinus), Pegasi (proposed scientific name C. Pinnatus) and Earth-Pony (name tentative, proposed scientific name C. Manus)
More info can be found about the magic of each species in their respective documents.
Closing the lid, Dev thought about the filly he took in. I think that’s good for now. I should check up on Twilight.
The filly in question had just finished organizing all of his stuff, in some kind of order that made sense to the little filly. Not so much for Dev, but he could deal with it.
Twilight called from upstairs “I’m all done!”
Dev, leaving the kitchen, called back “Great! Let me see!”
But instead of an organization-obsessed filly happy that all has been sorted, a filly once again on the verge of tears comes down.
Dev was concerned even more for his ability to judge emotions. Was she really not happy at all? “Twilight? What’s wrong?”
Twilight looked back at him with eyes covering in tears. “I just remembered some things I wish I didn’t know.”
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3546016 I don't actually.
3547770 It is odd, isn't it?
You'll find out what really happened later
Also, you have 2 more chapters to read!
go for it!
yay this story update and i like it and i can't wait for the next chapter to come out
Dev seems mysterious now. What does he mean by 'some other kind of Deviant?'
3556051 Sexual Deviant.
3556061
Twilight is going to experience another horror that humanity, more specifically human males have to offer. Now I need to see what happens.
3556078
No, He's saying that he Isn't that, and it would be bad if she did end up with someone like that insted
3556087 Then that goes back to the 'bless his soul' comment I made.
3518086
A few other things, to expand on these points.
Having the 911 call go to voice mail is ridiculous. 911 doesn't even have voice mail, because under no circumstances would they allow that place to be unmanned (anything severe enough to cause that would give the angry mob bigger things to worry about). It would be more believable to say that the lab is too far from the nearest police station for the police to get there in time to stop the mob from breaking in and doing their thing.
Secondly, the shotgun punching through the lock and killing Kittery is kind of a stretch. It puts a lot of strain of my willingness to suspend disbelief where you could easily just say that he fired again as soon as the door swung open. It's a nitpick, but it's the kind of thing that makes people quicker to roll their eyes the next time something improbably happens.
Thirdly, the entire reason there's an angry mob there is to wreck the lab and kill the ponies (and scientists). That's fine, a lot of people wouldn't like seeing anyone play God like that. But why would an angry mob go to all the trouble of arming themselves, rallying up, and storming a lab if they aren't going to kill the ones that set them off? They kill Kittery, sure, but when Twilight throws the guys aim off he just laughs it off, says she'll die in a week anyways, and then makes a comment about not having to waste ammo on her. Shotgun shells aren't expensive, and since her existence alone was enough to make this guy kill at least one person it's really hard to believe he'd just shrug and assume she'll die on her own time.
tl;dr--the story isn't believable enough, and I say that knowing it's about a lab that created unicorns and Pinkie Pie.
3573324 Thank you for pointing out things that aren't what they seem.
I'm going to say this once, and I'll probably say this again: The mob isn't what it seems.
...
Well, except for problems with the shotgun punching through the lock and killing Kittery.
I thought it wasn't that much of a stretch if the shotgun was right to the door.
Also, another key point: The "Mob" lies. You don't know what really happened, just what Twilight thinks did.
Final key point: The police station was deliberately manipulated to make this happen.
I'll explain what really happened later.
3573534
Good to see you've thought these things out, but it would help to make it more clear that things are not as bizarre as they seem (or a different kind of bizarre, anyway). I do suggest making the phone fail to connect instead of the voice mail. If possible, making the whole angry mob sequence more surreal and focusing on Twilight's reactions would help establish that we're seeing what she sees, not what's actually happening.
Not trying to be 'that guy' (the one that hates everything), but you gave the go-ahead for constructive criticism in the description so I figured I'd provide some. This is a pretty unique concept, so it's not as easy to simply wander off like it would be if this were another "bullied brony lands in Equestria" story.
3573829 I enjoy that you provided constructive criticism.
I will take it to head and will edit that chapter accordingly.
Also, thank you for calling my ideas unique!
Romaji when will the next chapter for this story come out
3598615 I can't give you an exact date, but there are two chapters a month.
So, two new chapters by the end of the month
3598670 ok
dude, your awesome. Keep up the awesome stories
Well then, this was . . . different. Not entirely in a good way, but not all in a bad way.
Let me just start by saying that there is nothing personal about what I am about to say, this is simply my response and reaction to most fics on Fimfiction and a habit of mine as the founder of one of the larger teaching groups. Okay, let's get down to it. First off, you have problems with tense. Sometimes your character's actions will be done in past tense, but their narrative will be in present tense. Second, your depictions of the ponies as individuals is fairly OoC (Out of Character). I don't believe for a moment that Twilight would ever use the word "fuck" with such a frequency that she does in this story, even if her caretaker and 'mother' was murdered right in front of her. Third, you are really pushing my willful suspension of disbelief to extremes here. A mob of right-wing nutjobs breaks into a lab and kills everyone inside except the one thing they really came to kill, when in fact research and experimental biological laboratories are some of the most secure facilities in the world; they have the absolute latest in security technology as well as a crack team of privately contracted security guards on location at all times. And Twilight, despite having been raised in one of the most sterile places possible, immediately knows what a Starbucks is, what's safe to eat, and how to use a computer. Fourth, the randomness of this story, with it switching back and forth between memory, the present, and even nightmares detracts from the story as a whole. And what is the added value of throwing in Lovecraftian Old Ones?
3657608
She's used a computer before. Why else would she know the password?
She's eaten before. She would know what crumbs are.
If you were paying attention, you'll remember she watches the daily show, a mock news show. They would have referenced Starbucks at some point.
Second, It's not a mob. Only looks like one. It's supposed to be suspect.
You underestimate the impact of dead parents.
Nightmares.
Scary, frighting nightmares.
Cute little chapter. Twilight behaves like a filly her age having seen what she did should, and Dev seems like an ok character, though right now he seems like a little bit of a Gary-Stu. Give him some flaws.