The reveal
Kearny, NJ. 2025 May 20, Lab
Kittery Abigail, known to the ponies as ‘Mom’, entered the Lab.
Yes, you read that right; ponies. She has worked at a lab that created ponies. An amazing feat, especially given their magical properties and INCREDIBLE CUTENESS. She loved them as a mother would her children.
Abigail, on the other hand, was a mere human. Middle aged, mousy brown hair, and a pale complexion. A knack for genetics, psychology, and maternal instincts had landed her in charge of the project that was destined to change the entire field of biology. Or at least that’s what she was told. Once the project proved successful, she found that to be an understatement. These little fillies will change the world.
Thinking about the implications of her research, she walked into the main lab room (jokingly called the ‘mane’ room) to see Twilight waiting for her at the door. Twilight was her favorite; a lavender foal with a neat and simple mane with a protruding horn. The other scientists had been hesitant to speak of the obvious resemblance, but Abigail had no hesitation when calling her a unicorn. When she had proven to have magical powers, the scientists were no longer skeptical. That kind of was the point. But none expected the program to succeed.
“Twili, be quiet okay? The other ponies are sleeping.”
And so they were. Jackie and Pinkie had clearly fell asleep mid hug on the beanbag. (Say it with me, d’awwwwww) Jackie, originally named Applejack, looked like a normal foal from a distance. Her blonde mane covered most of her head since she refused to let anyone cut it, hiding her human-like features. A few of the less distant lab coats had quietly voiced their complaints, but were rewarded by magnified tenderness whenever the filly bravely peaked through her locks. Her green eyes penetrated the soul, leaving nobody able to speak a single white lie to her.
Pinkie, with the ‘Pie’ added by the filly herself, was the epitome of childlike hyperactivity. If something had sugar in it, she would consume it without a second thought. Abigail had to add sugar to each and every dish just so she’d eat something healthy for a change. The filly would sniff each meal carefully, making sure the sugar levels were adequate. The results were chaotic, to say the least. How she got past every security measure and locked doors was still a mystery.
It wasn't like Abigail didn't find the others adorable too. Rarity was sleeping on a couch that was way too big for her, dwarfing the small filly. She had insisted on having ‘the absolute comfortable couch’ for her petite form and stylish mane. Even Abigail was forbidden to touch the curled mane; only Rarity allowed herself the hour to groom.
Dash and Flutters slept on their artificial little clouds. (The mechanisms allowing letting them do that took several years of metaphysical research to explain.) Due to their physiology, the scientists were forced to synthesize miniature weather patterns to allow the pegasi to exercise and, most importantly, nap.
Twilight spoke up, with the cute little voice that you would expect from a five year old, but clearer, snapping Abigail out of her trance. “Did you go into ‘cuteness overload’ again?”
Abigail shyly admitted she did.
Another scientist tapped her on the shoulder. “Abigail, you need to wake them up soon. The news crews are coming at eight.”
Twilight looked straight at Abigail. "What are the news crew? Will they hurt me?"
Abigail looked back at her. "Don't play innocent here. I know you watch the Daily Show on my laptop. But to answer your question, no. They won't."
"What are they doing then?"
Abigail, while her gaze moved upwards, replied to her, "They are going to watch you do a little magic."
After all the fillies woke up, they went through their early morning procedures. Abigail had just finished serving out breakfast to the fillies when she heard a sudden knock on the door.
“Sorry, I have to go now.” Abigail as she looked up from her seated position. As she walked to the door, she thought about how much the world will change after today. Will magic be used for good or evil? she thought, stopping right in front of the door. She collected her breath. Thinking deep, metaphysical thoughts was not something you want to be doing in front of a news crew. Opening the door, she saw the CNN crew. “Oh, right this way” she said, leading them into the research room.
It took some time for all the cameras to be set up. All six big TV cameras and 7 boom mics for 7.1 surround sound. Abigail had no clue why anyone would bother watching CNN in 7.1 surround sound, but she wasn’t a newsy.
“We are all ready for the first ‘filly’, the... ‘unicorn’, ‘Twilight Sparkle’, wasn’t it?” the cameraman said to Abigail, sarcasm in his voice.
“I’ll go get her. You’ll see.” Abigail repled. She knew that she was going to change the world. Opening the door to the ‘mane’ room, she called for Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle! Please come with me.”
Twilight followed her, entering the white lab room. CNN is busy setting up the cameras. She was nervous.
"Twilight, I know all the cameras are making you tense, but all you have to do is pick up the block with your magic and spin it." Abigail says to her. “It’s just like the tests- I mean data gathering you like!”
Twilight gives me the cutest pouty face. “But you are not recording data on your laptop!”
Abigail cracks a smile. She’s such a little scientist. “Ok, I'll have my laptop out. Just for you.”
The Cameraman looks at Abigail. “Will she or won't she?”
Twilight spoke up. “I'll do it! Just tell me when!”
“We're ready.”
Twilight lifted up the block with her magic, spun it around, and she ended the show with a small flash of light.
In the middle of the showcase, the reporter dropped his coffee in surprise.
Twilight, quickly drops the block, focusing her efforts on the cup, keeping the cup from crashing to the floor.
"There you go, mister!"
The reporter was speechless. He had just seen magic. The impossible. Abigail just looked at him with a smug look. "Wished you filmed that live now, huh?"
"You don't happen to have more things that will blow my mind, do you?" The reporter asked.
Abigail kept her smug look while replying with "I don't suppose weather control would count?"
“What.” The reporter managed to have come out of his mouth.
“Well, since we have only two Pegasus fillies and we have budget constraints, it will be small scale.” Abigail paused, then continued with “But, keep in mind that the same principle applies to real-world weather”.
The reporter looked right back at her. “Can we reschedule first? I think this should be live”.
“Sure thing”.
After a break for CNN to get it live and for Dashie and Flutters to wake up (it’s strange how the most active filly who is NOT a pony-shaped energy ball is the laziest), Abigail told the pegasi the plan.
“Alright! Lets do it!” Dash cheered.
“Glad to hear it! We just do what we practiced, right?”
“Uh-huh” Dash and Flutters said.
Just then, the reporter entered the room. “We’re ready. Are you?”
Abigail noded. “Yes, we are.”
She brought the fillies into the testing room. Small weather patterns had been set up, along with drains in the floor to collect fallen rain. One cloud was raining, one wasn't, and one storm cloud to round out the lot. Abigail hoped that they avoided the lightning from that cloud, even though it wouldn't really hurt them because they weren't real storm clouds.
“Are we live?” Abigail asked the cameraman.
“When the light on the top of the camera comes on, you’re live.” the cameraman answered, having gotten that question at least a thousand times. Just then, the light turned on.
Abigail faced the camera and said “Hello, I am Kittery Abigail and this is Pegasus test one, clouds”. Turning to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, she said “Go”
Fluttershy started by moving the rain cloud over to the other side of the room. Dash, as if by cue, stomped the water out of the cloud, eventually releasing all the water in it. Fluttershy and Dash worked together to squeeze the non-raining cloud and it started raining out. Swapping from pushing to pulling, they stopped the rain. Dash raced over to the storm cloud, pulling up until it stopped thundering. Fluttershy then pulled the top off the cloud as Dash pulled the bottom, splitting the cloud in two. Fluttershy then merged her part of the cloud and the non-raining cloud, making them one. They then landed and gave a salute.
Abigail called out to them. “Good job, Fluttershy! Good job, Dash!”
The reporter just looked at Abigail. “You raised these fillies?”
“Yep!”
After sending the pegasi back to the ‘mane’ room, Abigail sat down with the reporter in the break room.
“Oh, wow, I didn’t know this would be such a thing. I thought it was…” The reporter exhaled.
“A scam? If I wasn’t raising them for the past five years, I would think it was a scam too.” Abigail completed.
“Yea. It’s all so breath-taking. Although, I have one question.”
“Shoot.”
“What about the ‘Earth-ponies’? What can they do?”
“Well, their talents don’t televise well. Jackie has a remarkable talent with plants. And Pinkie Pie, well, she has very powerful magic. We call it Reality-Type Manipulation Exploitation. It means she can stop abiding by the rules of reality and obey those like you would see in a cartoon.” Abigail replied.
“Oh, Ok then…” And right then, Pinkie fell onto his head, from the top of the “screen”. “WHAT THE-?”
“Did you call Pinkie?” The filly said to everyone in the room.
Abigail looked back at the reporter. “Although, that’s just a hypothesis. And, Pinkie, no one called you.”
Pinkie’s ears droop.
Abigail looked back at her. “Sorry”.
Then pinkie promptly walked off the edge of the ‘screen’, happy again.
The reporter had that kind of face that says ‘what’. Just to reinforce it, he said “What did I just see?”
“You just saw a prime example of Reality-Type Manipulation Exploitation.”
Looking at the off ‘On Air’ light, he said to Abigail “It was nice talking to you, but I have to go”.
And, with that, he was gone. “Only asked one question. Typical”.
CNN cleaned up well into lunch. During lunch, Twilight, the only filly that really knows what this all means, if only a little, asked Abigail “Kitt, will you protect us?”
With steel resolve, Abigail replied “Yes. you will be safe. I will protect you”.
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Consarn it, Pinkie Pie!
3315144 Laugh it up while you can.
There is a reason I put the sad tag on.
3315154
If I had £1 for every time Pinkie broke physics, I'd be the richest person alive....
Cute! Can't wait to read more!
3315563 {EVIL LAUGH IN THE DISTANCE}
3315572
...???
3315691 You'll see soon...
I like it.
3315951 You should favorite it to see where it goes.
If you don't know where that is, it's the star button
3316026 Of course I know its the star button. What kind of freak do you take me for? Some kind of Nazi?
3316031 Well, given the icon...
3319002 I removed the sad tag, because it doesn't fit the story...
Yet.
3319076 It does get better... But not until about two chapters of... I said too much. The house of cards will fall.
alright ... the story idea is good, almost solid even. HOWEVER your presentation leaves much to be desired. It feels like you're trying to make the conflict thought provoking and dramatic, but it's feels extremely forced.
Your imagery isn't quite vivid enough for me to see the d'aw moments that you want me too, and I feel like the reactions to basically talking animals and magic was extremely muted. I don't feel like your mother figure actually feels like a mother figure, she just seems like a stiff character that's sort of just ... there. Not to mention that your setting is sort of blank as well, I have no idea even what continent they could remotely be on (for all I know this is in a high rise built on the south pole). Also, you switch between present and past tense often and it was extremely grating.
to conclude: You have the outline of a possibly decent story world, but the writing and descriptions leave much to be desired.
Sorry, I know you wanted comments, but I feel like this glass needs to be shattered and re-purposed as ... something you make from recycled glass ... This is not something I would read until things like this are addressed. BUT if these kinds of things have been addressed in the following chapter, simply take this as advice for what people like to see in an opening chapter. (no hook here, you need to draw a reader in)
Hay I live in NJ to awesome
I can tell this is going to be an interesting story. I like the idea that the main six were genetically engineered.
This is the best story ever!
So begins my full review of this story. I'll point out grammar errors and such along the way.
Right off the bat, we have a grammar error:
The comma should be directly after 'Abigail', with a space between it and 'known'.
Maybe it's just me, but this feels like the narrator is addressing the audience directly. This doesn't work in stories without a first-person narrative.
Remove the full stop. Also, this once again feels like the narrator is addressing the audience directly.
Change 'the' to 'a'. Alternatively, write it like this:
'Sleep' should be changed to 'slept'.
At this stage, I'm going to stop pointing out grammar errors and simply say 'get an editor'
Overall, this works as an introductory chapter. The characters feel real, the pacing is good and the idea is original.
First chapter was pretty cool. I think the tone you were trying to go for was ruined by the bits of fourth way breaking in parenthesis.
Why would anyone bother watching CNN at all?