After avoiding a after a terrible accident, I found myself in a strange new world. I have no idea why I ended up here, but I soon discover there are living creatures of many shapes and sizes in this new horizon. Many put up the facade of peacefulness and happiness in this, seemingly, perfect world. Just like back home. And like home, many are not even aware that they have problems until it is too late, even their heroes and leaders, but boy do they have problems. It looks like my career will flourish in this new world. Yet, I wonder....
Have I bitten off more than I can chew?
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First story, would appreciate constructive criticism. If not, I will find you...and I'll ask again. One sided romance, comedy, looking into a pony's mind, a sad moment here and there, 1rst person. Put the pitchforks down. HiE. Now you can get them Up.
And awesome was thus given a form, and it was this story.
MOAR! It's silly and ridiculous and makes more references than a Deadpool comic, but MOAR!
silly~!
Your story,Its is more addictive than morcrackoine (Morphine,Crack and heroin in a single shot,Both made up and likely ridiculously deadly and addictive)
We NEEED MOAH
3265037
So...more addictive than breakfast?
3265103 ....You have a VERY weird breakfast....and on a side note yes,More addictive than nicotine laced bacon
i like it, though when you write his thought process it feels more like first person than second person (there are too many i's in there) other than that good work
You should make it a first person fic, because it feels like someone is talking to me and forcing me into the situation, and it... it ain't natural! Second person should only be used for 2nd person clopfics and not for something like this!
And maybe, you should write a bit more to get more matter into the fic. I say that, because there happens way too much with way too little content in way too little time. I advise you to write a little more about the scenery. It isn't even mentioned that he sits in a car, until he gets hit by another one! and just a few lines later, he is already in Equestria. All the while, it seems like he went through all that with his eyes open, until he opens the to look if his handy survived. to have just a few bruises seems a little far fetched and you could have described the night sky! He opens his eyes, lying on his back and in Equestria, there aren't so many light sources at night, due to the low efficiency of that. There, you could probably see ten times more stars than in any place in the US. The moon is likely three times as big he the protagonist is used to from home. It wasn't mentioned whether it was day or night when the accident happened.
As you see, there are many things you could have brought in to feed the story.
If you are new to story writing, you can contact me anytime to ask me to pre- and proofread, and to tell you how you might make it even better.
3266711I am new to this as I said and would love to have it pre-read or proof read. I might change it later to first person once I got it down. Also, while description is nice, I hate it when fics take half a chapter to describe something we already know. I might add more description and details later, but right now I just want to see where my main errors are.
I purposely excluded description to not bore anyone and to make the character notice too many things regular people don't usually consider.
I have a deviantart account that I'm using to rough this so my plan is to post the main rough there and then improve on it to be ready here. Honestly, I just wanted to see if anyone wanted to see this. Thank you and I might take you up on that offer. Don't have much free time.
I'm unsure if I like it more then the previous chapter simply because its late and I don't wanna re-read it again, but aside from that its done well and if you were to continue to write this way I would be more then okay with it.
Yes,It is too late to say your offended
3267371 sure, it CAN be boring to read descriptions of things we already know, but only if you write it boring. In a fic I recently read, there was this sentence, that would fit really good to what I'm saying here
and it's the same with fanfiction. I read a bunch of HiE fics and they were all good, and even though it was always the same concept, I loved them all. If you write it interesting, you could even explain cold fusion in your fic and no one would bother skipping it. if you write it good, you won't bore most of the readers. I say most, because someone is always bored of something. Always!
I mentioned it earlier, and I say it again for safe measure; Your main error lies therein, that you didn't describe the character enough. You don't need to lay down all of his characteristics, but you should mention everything he does, or at least for now, at the beginning of the story.
I hope it helped.
it's definitely better in first person, but there are still a few second person sentences, so, thats really all I have to say about this chapter except for "job well done!"
if you could improve your way of doing second person, do that. but if it flows better this way...
do what you feel comfortable with
I am trying to understand what is going on but it seems really rushed.
maybe try to slow down just a little? And tab everytime you have dialogue.
3275527If I may ask, what part? Also, do you mean put more space before dialogue or what?
Appreciate it. I think this week I'll just focus on adding on to things
>>CanterlotCrusader
what I mean is by "rushed and hard to understand"is that there needs to be space between dialogue and more and more "details" in it overall.
also, read Dynamic Entry to get some ideas. Its also a HiE fiction. Its really good. You should check it out. Its written pretty well.
3276759 I'll consider it. Thank you.
Alright, new chapter. Critiques always welcome and I hope it flows better.
Ha I like this.