• Member Since 12th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2017

headhunter


T

They say war never changes...I'm inclined to believe them...

After the actions of The Stable Dweller the wasteland began the long road to recovering from the destruction set upon it 206 years ago. I left stable 13 looking for excitement in my life but ended up caught in a plot to destroy Equestria all over again with a deadly, yet dormant artifact of a paranoid age long past. I know I left the stable for excitement but I never expected what I got...

My names Dragonlily...here's my story...

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 17 )

meh. its a good start, but nothing to start trumpeting from the rooftops, keep it up.

I would like to see where it goes, move along... :twilightsmile:

Pre-war space station huh? Reminds me of Fallout Van Buren, will definitely read.

well this looks good so far

Hello, I'm Noakwolf. You might not remember me, but I noticed that you had wrote an FoE story. Now, I'm a follower of yours on Deviant Art, and I particularly enjoy your G-mod comics. Having some time to kill I decided to read the first chapter of your story. Being the critic I am, and after reading the whole chapter I just thought I should write a little review for you, to better your writing skills, and to improve future chapters of your story.

Firstly let's look at the story itself. I'll be frank with you, what you've done is rather cliched. Whether this is intentional or not it is irrelevant. Please understand that this being cliched is not a bad thing, but it is something that needs to be addressed. The classic Stable dweller is bored of life in the Stable, so they leave to seek adventure is... Well, it's just been done again, after again after again etc. Not only this, but it would be interesting to see you give her a better motivation to leave. The whole:

"I don't quite enjoy living here, so I might as well just leave." Scenario doesn't work well.

If it was a family member leaving, sickness, or something that was needed for the Stable it would give the readers a better understanding of what your character believes in. As from this it's just, "I don't like it here so I'll leave those I love to find a better life elsewhere." You could fix this by making the ponies around her a little more mean, or cruel adding to the character's choice of leaving. Unfortunately besides this chapter, I can't say much more about the over all plot itself. As there isn't much for me to go off of yet.

I would seriously try to re-think this before going on further. Give her some incentive to leave, and not just a rushed rather odd reason to venture forth into the wastes.

Next I'll cover the gammer. This was by far the most rough part of this story. You really need an editor/proofreader. (There is a proofreader group, and the people on the FoE groups are also willing to help. If you want me to help, I'd be more than willing to. Just PM me. :twilightsmile:)

Just about every issue grammatically can be found here. Which include, but are not limited to:

1. Lowercased words, and letters that should be capitalized.

2. Misspelled words.

3. Awkward paragraph spacing.

4. Mashed up paragraphs.

5. Odd spacing with words, and letters.

And much much more. With some help these problems can be easily avoided. (Once again, if you need help with proofreading visit one of the groups I had mentioned, or ask me. Whichever you prefer.) For example:


(I expected him to take this..._not well to say the least. Instead he put his hoof on my shoulder. I looked up at him and found he was smiling. (Space)"Dragonlily... I've known you better than anypony," He sighed deeply, (lowercase a in and)"And the last thing I want is to see you unhappy. I may not like it, and I may end up regretting it down the road. But if you want to leave....I'll support your decision,(period)" (Space) He looked me in the eye, "Do you still want to go through with it?")

What it should look like is this:

(I expected him to take this... not well to say the least. Instead he put his hoof on my shoulder. I looked up at him and found he was smiling.

"Dragonlily... I've known you better than anypony," he sighed deeply, "and the last thing I want is to see you unhappy. I may not like it, and I may end up regretting it down the road. But if you want to leave.... I'll support your decision."

He looked me in the eye, "Do you still want to go through with it?")

See how much easier that is to follow? Look how it flows, and comes out when you read it. This was just one of dozens of paragraphs in this. One thing I've realized in my time on this site is that: Even if the story isn't written well if there are little to no errors it will be received better than a story that does have errors.

The next subject I want to cover is the characters. Now, given I have seen worse. Much worse. For the most part the dialogue works between the characters, and the conversations seem natural. I would like to know a little bit more about Dragonlily. Does she have family? How does her relationship with Sprocket influence her actions? Like will leaving the stable, and their great relationship effect her decision? You covered this vaguely, but I and the other readers would like to know more. What are all of the other ponies attitudes? Do they also influence her decisions? I don't know but you should add a greater emphasis on the environment as a whole.

While I'm on the topic of the environment around Dragonlily. I want to say that until, I think it was paragraph 4 or 5 that I was lead to believe something completely different than what you were trying to convey. Especially with curtains, and windows in a Stable. I thought that she woke up in a shack in the the wasteland. With a few short lines detailing the walls, or the texture of the things around her I would of had a better understanding of what is happening. In other words. More description is needed. It really is. Not only does it make things more vivid, but the quality greatly improves.

All in all. I would like to know more about the characters, and how they directly connect with Dragonlily. On top of this, you should really think about incorporating more description. If you read some other FoE stories, or other first person narrative stories you can see how others make the world more full, and clear for the reader. My favorite author Brain Jaques once said, "The key to being a good writer is to paint pictures with words." If you can do this, than you can do anything with your writing.

In the end, this needs work. Lots of it. I want you to know that in no way am I trying to be rude, mean, or just down right nasty. I just saw a story that could be improved on, and thought I should write this to help you out. (I'm also a fan of your comics, and I thought that since you entertained me that I should return the favor and write a review for you to better your writing.) No simple "I liked it," or "Good chapter," will make you better. What will is a cold serving of what is needed to be improved on.

I sincerely hope you found my review helpful in anyway. Remember, if you need help just PM me, or go to one of the groups I had mentioned earlier. Ask for advise. Find some help, and take a moment to think about how you'll execute your story. I would absolutely love to see you go one with this to the end. Whether it be a long, and powerful tale, or a simple sweet one. I know that you, and many others have the ability to go through with it to the end.

Thank you for entertaining me, and thank you for reading my review. And have a great morning/afternoon/evening. (Or whatever the time is when you read this. :derpytongue2:) Thanks again.

- Noakwolf

Stable 13. Sounds like an allusion to Vault 13 from the first fallout game:pinkiesmile:

Hints for chapter 3:
bullets
wheels
roller blades
asparagus
lots of it.

Noakwolf said it all, this story is a pile of clichés.

You should read some more popular FOE stories first, to learn how to create more believable characters, motivations and interractions between them. Pink Eyes from Mimezinga, Murky number 7 by Murky Number Seven, Heroes by No one and Project Horizon by Somber are the four more known side-stories, all of them got some flaws, but all of them have interrestings idea, characters and scenario.

The biggest flaw so far in your story ( for me ) is :

but ended up caught in a plot to destroy Equestria all over again with a deadly, yet dormant artifact of a paranoid age long past.

More than two thirds of the hundreds FOE stories are like this, with the inexperienced MC being involved with a millenia old villain hiding behing some kind of cult/organization full of overpowered abominations/deity/cyberpsycho henchmen, and it's fucking boring to read. That's the main flaw of Project Horizon, the villains are just too big to be believable anymore.

Most of the actual danger of the Wastes shouldn't be mysterious organizations, but raiders, slavers, Steelrangers thugs, abominations ( pack of ghouls, mutated manticore, radscorpions, etc ) and starvation/radiation poisonning.

3754125 Interesting case you bring up because believe it or not the basic story and antagonists behind Black Sky are based off a canceled Fallout game. I don't want to spoil everything so just trust me on this.

3765577 van buren? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S/IT'S NOT VAN BUREN!!! :pinkiehappy: that was a good idea there. also ,liking the story so far.

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

mind if my friend dose a audio reading of this

7717296 By all means go for it. Just link the story.

Just started to read your story... listening in fact... and first two chapters are very good.
Hope, Wolf Titan Reading will continue narration and you will not stop writing the story.

Login or register to comment