If you are enjoying my stories, I thank you. Nothing means quite as much to me as someone really appreciating what I put out into the world. So, from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.
This is the story of a young colt's experience with an air raid during the Gryphon war. It is based off of WWII accounts of bombing runs on cities.
This is a one shot specifically for the One Shotober contest group. 2 down, 29 to go.
Hopefully this one feels less rushed than my last one shot.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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3254482
Thanks, I'll need it.
First 500 word review.
This is a good story.
Your week spots are:
Passive voice. avoid passive voice, it weakens your prose.
Your Dialogue is a little wordy in places. Try speaking your dialogue out loud. If it awkward to say, it's awkward to read.
Watch your adjectives(though adjectives in your said tags are fine, in moderation). Also you get a bit wordy describing things. "laughed a nervous, sorrow filled, laugh" that a mouth full. It's also a bit more tell than show. Though you do a good job of showing as a whole. It just stands out when you get "telly"
Strong points:
Good opening. it sets a mood that contrasts the war time.
Good visual. you have a nice vignette style that makes it easy to see the story you are telling.
Tension. It's an elusive creature, but you've captured it. Even knowing Sage survives, I'm anxious to know what happens next.
Feel free to come by The Writing Lab and check out some of our resources. It's a quiet little group, but we have some good material to read through.
3255027
Awesome, thanks for the review. I'll be sure to watch those problem areas next time I start writing.
Id like to know why that one person down voted this story. I would like to know what I need to fix.