• Member Since 27th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2017

AppleJared


Future USMC Officer.

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Sweetie Belle has a problem with ignoring the truth, especially when those around her just accept a lie. So like any CMC, she digs deeper into a mystery that seemingly cannot be solved. What she finds however, will change her life indefinitely.

Art by Anarchy

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

eugenics is not worth the trouble that the 'superior' beings bring and cause. tia got what she wanted and she also got what she deserved

I don't have the time to read through this at the moment, though I will as soon as I get a chance. The title and summary have caught my attention.

There are some grammar issues. For example

Twilight only last about 10;

Needs to be "Twilight would only last" or "Twilight lasted about".
It's jarring to have an error in the middle of such a pivotal event.


Beyond that, I have issues some personal issues with this not being Alternate Universe. It's not that I don't believe that Celestia couldn't be stage managing pony's lives decades in advance or even try something as inherently objectionable as Eugenics. It's that I don't buy the premise of Celestia viewing herself as a deity, and summary execution of underlings is far too ham-handed and stereotypical villain to make sense with the canon character. All the pseudo-religious stuff isn't in canon, but rather projected by fan works so that rather continuously knocked me out of the story. Moreover, I would think that you demonstrate your evil-Celestia better by simply being more inventive with either banishment or some sort of suffering-based punishment that includes a built in explanation for the general public. That, I think, would make the revelation of her punishment more of a shock than a cliché, and also demonstrate that Celestia had planned to do something like that even when she believed there wasn't any reason to question anyone's loyalty.

3328188
I understand there are grammar issues with the story, and I know I'm not the best self-editor.
I did, however take a couple of hours going over this story editing and proofreading, so it's not some half-baked piece of crap. And I don't see how little mistakes like that can procure such a negative response (so far). I debated whether to use the AU tag on it but I made sure to implement little Easter eggs that could make it closer to canon. If tiny details like tag information bug you enough to dislike, I'm afraid my stories aren't for you in the first place.

(For the record, your comment had grammar mistakes like "Beyond that, I have issues some personal issues with...)

The story itself jumps around a ton so maybe it's not the most pleasant to read in that sense, but I can't bring myself to agree with the statement that it's cliche-ridden. The fact that Sweetie killed someone makes it hard to be cliche. You said that it needs AU because parts of this is non-canon, but wouldn't that make all fanfics AU? Especially ideas like homosexuality (such as RariJack or TwiDash) because that is CERTAINLY not canon; yet no one is saying that about shipping stories.

At the end, however, I appreciate your comment and the heads up on the grammar mistake, and I did put the AU tag on. Have a wonderful day. :ajsmug:

3328547

I wasn't trying to imply that it was a half-baked piece of crap (your words, not mine). The premise is interesting, and the delivery of a number of emotional jabs were spot on. When I finished reading it occurred to me I didn't have as much fun as I felt that I should have. It's a good story, but I want it to be a great one.

Those two points, the reliance on a more literal take of "playing god" and the missed opportunity with the characterization of Celestia were the only things keeping this from being a great story in my mind. If you're happy with the story as is, then the story is exactly as it should be. I'll admit that I'm not particularly deft at offering criticism, but that's one of the ways I learn.

At the end of the day, I'm just some guy on the internet and therefore functionally irrelevant.

3328667 I understand your points much better now. The logic behind your first comment was a bit skewed at some points but the last one made much more sense. I appreciate all comments on my works be it negative or positive, especially if they provide criticism that will make me better at my craft. You could probably word your criticism better, and I could have made a better story with the idea. No one is perfect.

And while you are just some guy on the internet, you are still a human being. This is a concept that is all too often forgotten by most who use the internet (and especially the people who tap on dislike buttons for a living). I think that comes into play when people rate things on the internet. They can be as unfair and nasty as they want and not have to offer any reasoning why. Again, I don't mind down-votes when people just explain why I got one. Else, I'm sitting here wondering what went wrong and not sure how to improve upon the imperfections.

But you did comment and I appreciate the feedback. I'll keep what you've said in mind when I write my next piece. :pinkiesmile:

I liked the themes that you've tackled in this story, even if they could come across as controversial to many. They were most enjoyable to read about. I found it hard to be engaged by Sweetie Belle's struggle though, at least at the beginning. I believe that's due more to the nature of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. It almost reads more like a history book than a short story.

The plot points and themes were fantastic though, and I applaud you for using them. It has been pointed out that there are numerous errors within the story, the most jarring of which I found to be paragraphs that changed to present tense from past tense. But heck, it wasn't enough to stop me from reading.

Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle

In all honesty, I really like this story. I'd been a bit skeptical going into it, the likes and dislikes being even and having skimmed through the comments- though I'm glad I decided to read it anyways.

The entire theory that you'd come up with was pretty much ingenious, as in I couldn't find any sort of fatal flaws in your logic.

Keep on writing, you've earned a follow from me.

3332865 Thanks so much for the follow! :pinkiehappy:

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