• Published 24th Sep 2013
  • 414 Views, 17 Comments

The Pulp Fiction Files of Equestria - Avenging-Hobbits

A collection of strange, bizzare and purposely badly written short stories in the style of 30's and 40's pulp horror stories....I'm so sorry.

  • ...

The Adventures of South Dakota Smith in The Golden Balls of Celestia's Gridle


The blood red earth pony stood atop the pedestal, holding the severed head of the temple dripping blood over his hooves.

“Ah….” the stallion droned out, breathing in the last vestiges of the life energy of the mighty temple guardian. “....I can feel him inside me….” he croaked, letting the head fall to the ground and licking off the blood that coated his hoof. He let out a satisfied sigh, leaning down to pick up The Twin Golden Balls of Celestia’s Girdle. A demonic smile crossed his blood red hairless muzzle and he looked towards South Dakota Smith.

“Now that I have The Balls….” the Scarlet Skull cackled, giving South Dakota Smith a roguish grin as he stalked towards him and he picked up the Golden Staff of Luna’s Strength and expertly placed the Twin Golden Balls of Celestia’s Gridle on the wide end of the Golden Staff of Luna’s Strength. “...I shall have the full power and strength of the Twin Golden Balls of Celestia’s Gridle and the Golden Staff of Luna’s Strength!

YOU FIEND!” South Dakota Smith barked, struggling against the ropes tying him to the pillar as Scarlet Skull skulked around the pillar. “You know that you-”

“Have the power of a god?!” he sneered, standing on his hind hooves and quickly stuffing a gag into South Dakota Smith’s mouth, silencing him. “You must not speak! For I must announce to everypony in every realm of the truth of my almighty godhood!” he let out a demonic peal of cackling laughter that echoed off the temple walls, sending chills down the spines of all present except for himself. He slammed a hoof on the floor, and an explosion of sparks burst forth, tearing the skin from the innocent, untarnished by stallion hooves’ bodies of the fair temple virgins conveniently nearby.

Meinehündin!” he cried, and out of the shadows came the shuffling steps of a large, horribly deformed griffin. His right eye hung out its socket by it’s optic nerve, and dangled perilously in front of his haggard, chipped, destroyed and battered beak. His left eye was sunken in and darted about wildly, as if chasing after invisible insects. A thick glob of spit, mucus and drool dribbled from his mouth and nostrils, and he looked towards Scarlet Skull with positive adoration.

Yissssss Masssssterrrrrrr?” he groaned, reaching a plaintive glaw towards his master. The Scarlet Skull looked down at him and smiled.

“Ah you have arrived Meinehündin! Quick! Take that virgin and suck the marrow from her bones so we might prepare for the ultimate sacrifice!” he ordered, his voice echoing off the walls with divine force and power. Meinehündin smiled lasciviously, eying the one remaining virgin whose flesh had NOT been peeled from her bones.

“NO!” the virgin cried as Meinehündin leapt upon her, cutting her throat and proceeding feast on her flesh with most lecherous intent. As Scarlet Skull watched, a smile of most deviant glee spread across his crimson muzzle and he let out another peal of laughter. His ruby eyes darted towards South Dakota Smith and he gave a toothy grin.

“Now my most righteous nemesis, you shall feast your eyes upon my most glorious and perfect godhood!” With these words, he lifted the Twin Golden Balls of Celestia’s Girdle skyward and began to chant and proclaim what sounded like the most demonic language of darkness that had ever been spoken in the entirety of Equestria or the world. As he spoke the incantation, the sky above became even more dark and cloudy, with the moon being obscured by the incoming clouds. The clouds began to swirl around, building into a funnel that slithered towards the ground, with bolts of black lightning shooting forth and striking down more of the temple’s most sacred virgins. Their cries of pleasured anguish filled the air as their bodies into bright puce green incandescent flames.

NOW SEE THE FULL GLORY OF TG’ARLO’KNARU!” Scarlet Skull decreed, and a final, tremendous bolt of jet black lightning struck the ground, sending out writhing tentacles that grabbed nearby virgins and had their way with them. Scarlet Skull let out another booming laugh and bowed low before the black-cloaked figure that stepped out of the swirling cauldron of tentacles.

“Oh mighty and glorious and powerful and tremendous and wise and effervescent one Tg’arlo’knaru! We bow low before thee! I am but your humble servant!” Scarlet Skull said, his voice a reverent whisper. The black-cloaked figure nodded towards him.

“Oh thank you so much huh?” the figure asked, his voice devoid of any life or soul, extending an elongated limb with five spindly figures and stroked Scarlet Skull’s head gently. “Now I maust ahsk you oh most noble and forthright servant...do you wish to see ma football?”

“Oh yes my most mighty master...I wish to see your glorious ball of foots….” Scarlet Skull said, nodding his head. The figure nodded and pulled off his hood revealing a wormy fellow with shaggy black hair and sunglasses that covered his eyes.

“But you must know this…” the figure spoke, looking down towards the quivering reverent figure of Scarlet Skull. “...this isn’t even ma final form!” the figure bellowed, his voice becoming a bellowing growl as another cloud bolted down from above and enveloped him with thundering shattering thunder. As the smoke cleared, the figure had shifted to a noticeably shorter bipedal, hairless pink ape with a bowl mane cut and eyebrows that seemed to eat his forehead. With wild brown eyes, he looked down at the still groveling Scarlet Skull.

“Hey most loyal servant!” he barked in a teenage colt’s voice. “You gotta get your head in the game!” he proclaimed, tossing a flaming spiked basketball directly towards South Dakota Smith.

South Dakota Smith braced for impact, when all of a suddenly an older stallion blocked the shot with a careful blast from a small pistol. The basketball bounced wildly, hitting one of the temple virgins directly in the head, causing her head to explode like a watermelon.

“JUNIOR!” the older pony said untying South Dakota Smith. “Dad what are you doing here and why are wearing a suit?” Smith asked, “Simple Junior, Saving you and you are just jealous I look damn snazzy!”

“Hey buddy that was my only ball!” the demon growled in a demonic rage.

“Oh shut up!” The older stallion said bluntly, shooting the demon in the head eight times. Scarlet Skull watched in abject shock before bolting to his hooves and attempting to order Meinehündin (who was still busy feasting) to attack the older stallion, only to be both greeted with two bullets to the head.


Rainbow Dash stared at the cheaply printed page that she held in her hooves. She blinked, her eye twitching slightly as she gawked in abject shock at the sheer awfulness of the book she had just read.

"You know what? This is really stupid!" she barked, tossing the book aside and trotting off in an angry rage. "Now where's that new Daring Do book I need to read something good!"

Author's Note:

This is not meant to be taken seriously at all in any way shape or form.

I got bored with a friend...this is the result.

Heaven forgive us.

And the reason for the RANDOM EMPHASIS on WORDS is because of Frank Miller and his awfulness. Just to clear that up.

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Comments ( 17 )

Ponies and Pulp eh?

3252884 I don't know man...I don't know.

This is what happens when I just kinda cut loose without any real plan in mind...

:rainbowhuh:That was............... something.

No comment.

3253077 I just can't believe I haven't gotten any dislikes yet:applejackconfused:

Hip Writing Fact #1:
If you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid.

3253136 Well that's true...achievement in failure I guess....

Written by me and a group of assorted lunatics.


Why, exactly, was i left out of this project, again?:duck:

3253443 Cause this is only the beginning:pinkiecrazy:

3253457 What you don't want more?

3253469 iunno, Haven't read it yet. :pinkiecrazy:

But yes, Moar is Good.

Berry Good.

What a :twistnerd:!

Yeah i am just going Crazy now, back 2 readin'

I did. I actually just read it today and was stumped at first because it was exactly like that thing I won't talk about for spoiler reasons. :raritystarry:

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