- Member Since 18th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen 6 days ago
LuminoZero
Someone once said I was passive aggressive. I disagree. I am far too impatient for that. I prefer just being normal aggressive. Don't worry about 'maybe' upsetting me, you will know.
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Beautiful.
I do wonder what led the pony to find it originally, and to dig at the foot of what so obviously was a monument to something; that part never really became clear. Was this intentional grave-robbing, or simply a mistake?
That detail aside, though, a very touching story. You can't take it with you, after all, and Rarity more than any other would indeed see little value in such a treasure being buried for all time. And its history makes it all the more precious to someone else, someone living, who can appreciate it.
3245938
Thanks for the review! About the question, I didn't include an answer to it in the story because I didn't view it as terribly important. Maybe the gem was pushed to the surface after years of subtle earth movements, and he decided to dig to see if there was anything else. Maybe he was a grave robber? You can make it whatever you'd like, because the answer is irrelevant. What was important was he found a very valuable item, and gave it to his little sister that he loved, rather then using it for personal gain.
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Lumino
3245957
I suppose I just couldn't quite wrap my head around the same pony being both awful enough to rob the graves of the Elements of Harmony and at the same time thoughtful enough to give the spoils to his little sister. Sure, that's possible, just extremely incongruous.
Personally, I'm hoping for something more like "grave robber or Diamond Dog dug it up and brought it elsewhere, and it subsequently found its way into the hands of someone who had no idea of its origins". Makes it a bit more palatable.
I could almost have believed, despite the very Twilightesque filly knowing Spike's name, the stories of the Elements of Harmony had been completely lost to history after a few millenia the same way Luna's full story became unknown to any but the most diligent scholars like Twilight, and the monument simply seemed like an old ruin like the Castle of the Ancient Royal Pony Sisters, for ponies taking after Daring Do to explore. But for each of the graves to have been dug individually, rather than just as some haphazard dig or a targeted one based on something similar to Rarity's gem-finding spell, someone would have to have known what they were.
While this is a very beautiful and made me take a trip on the feels train, I have one criticism. On every standard keyboard there is a button called a tab button. Its use is to indent. I feels this would appeal to your story very much and make it more grammatically correct
Dude you are pumping out stories like nobody's business...I like it
As for the story itself I thoroughly enjoyed it. If you could link to the comic that inspired you that would be awesome.
3246237
I merely post at the rate of my inspiration and time! :D
Anyway, here you go: Comic.
Thanks for the comment!
-Lumino
3246060 There's actually a button on the edit pages for fics on the top right that indents the entire story in one click, except the first paragraph. I do agree it should be indented.
This was nice and sweet. I loved it!
3247090
I checked a good number of stories I read and most of them are not indented either. It doesn't stop your critique from being valuable and appreciated, but I was never aware it was a serious problem. Anyway, I fixed it as the two of you requested. :D
Thanks for your feedback!
-Lumino
3247107 It's just vastly cleaner looking.
Well, a lot of people on this site don't exactly try to be good at writing. And ignoring that, a decent number don't realize the button is there or that the indents don't transfer over usually from other sources like Word or Gdocs.
very nice, not normally a spike fan but this was well executed and a rather pleasant read.
3247710
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review!
-Lumino
I can sort of tell that, just by the hastiness of the punctuation, and the sentence structure. It's not a bad story, it flows alright, and has lots of passable narrative (considering the time that was put in it). However, I am down voting this, because I think you could have done better. Rather than take the time to clean it up; have an editor comb over it; or get it filled out with more fat, you rushed to submit it. Two glaring instances of neglect are in the first paragraph alone. Did you mean to write, "A millennium" or were you going to the plural, "millennia"? Not to mention the artistic usage of ending a paragraph with an ellipsis, which should never be done in narrative.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be a dick. Just pointing out to you, that you have some talent, and you shouldn't squander it by abecedarian haste.
I hope you keep up the writing.
3253181
Allow me to thank you. In my years of writing stories for various fandoms, this is the first negative review I ever received. Sure, I got plenty of down votes, but never any actual scathing critique on my work, which I knew was far from perfect.
You raise many excellent points, and I would probably count yours as the best review I have ever received. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to help me improve, it is honestly the best you could have done for me.
Once again, thanks.
-Lumino
Yeah, you can tell it was wrote in an hour simply due to rough a story it is. Still, good story that with a bit of clean up would be awesome.
3278955 Heh, thanks for the comment! Yeah, looking through it again I do recognize it isn't my finest work. I'm not touching it up for a very important reason though.
This story, like everything I have done, is a lesson for me as a writer. I like to keep around my mistakes to keep my ego in check.
Thanks again for the comment!
-Lumino
3278979
Good idea.
3278979
I'm gonna disagree with you about that. Personally, I write for the enjoyment of others, and presentation is important in that regard. Like you, I want to be able to look back and see how far I've come, but my method is to keep copies of nearly every revision I go through. Only the most flawless version I can produce goes out for people to see, and when I see something that can be improved, I do it.
I guess it really just depends on who you're writing for, but there's a lot of potential in this story. With some more world building, deeper characterization, and some refinement in the prose, I could easily see myself giving it a favorite. As it stands, you get an upvote for the concept and general readability.
3282295 Thanks for the upvote and comment. Allow me to expand upon my thoughts, though. If my mistakes were just for me, that would be one thing, but it isn't that simple. We were all new once, and looking up at the best of the best can be a good end goal, but it can also seem unreachable. I believe that stories all throughout our growth as writers should be seen for what they are, records of our growth. Consider them the middle rungs on a ladder. We may have passed by them, but to those below us they serve as something closer to their skill level, something attainable. Nobody goes from the bottom to the top in one go. If someone less skilled them myself reads this story, sees ways they can improve their own work, and thinks 'I am totally capable of that.' Even if it is only a small improvement of their own work, then I think leaving the work as it is was worth it.
I tried for a while to make this comment not come out as totally pretentious, but I failed. Oh well.
Thanks again!
-Lumino
3282639 Don't worry about it. Even if I disagree, your POV is perfectly valid and I don't see it as pretentious.
Flaws abundant, yeah, but even with those flaws it's something special. A nice concept that was fairly well executed. I dislike the idea that Spike will outlive his only friends (if Meghan is going to show Twilight that courtesy, she'd damn well better do the same for Spike), but in this case I find it acceptable, since it allows this sweet little moment to unfold. Though something really has to be said to that grave robber of a brother.
3410162
Heh, I am glad you weren't turned away by the flaws inherent in the work. In some ways, going back to read it again just reinforces those old lessons I have learned since then. A good, solid, reminder of how important progress is.
About Quarry, who keeps getting the short end of the stick. How many video games or animes or movies have we watched with the heroes taking something out of a tomb? Maybe an ancient relic, a weapon, something of plot significance, whatever. Two thousand years is a long time. If we found an ancient burial site in the middle east that dated back to 20 BC, do you think anyone would think twice about us going into it?
Now yes, we would think differently based on thieves or historians, I agree with that. I wasn't saying he was totally innocent, but a lot of people were really vilifying him, and I don't really see why it is deserved. Yeah, he screwed up, but I think it is past the statute of limitations for righteous indignation.
Well, unless you were Spike. XD
Thanks again for the review!
-Lumino
3410201 You speak truthfully. Perhaps people keep saying he's a bad guy is because it's hard to picture the world we're so familiar with as ancient history, and because this story takes place from Spike's point of view. In my defense, though, I was only thinking Spike should give him a good hard glare and be done with it.
Aw, geez, Spike... Talk to your own kids, too, will you? I'm sure they miss you and their mommy too....
So sweet....
Dude, you made a truly amazing and beautiful story. Well done.