This is What it Sounds Like When Beards Cry
This is What it Sounds Like When Beards Cry
Harvey Grimwold smiled unpleasantly at his reflection in the mirror. Such a simple, underestimated object had become his temporary savior.
"You get this thing off of me right this instant, mister!" the angry, pink beard-thing shouted.
If only he could do something about the noise. He carefully moved his hand up to the rubber band to ensure it stayed in place, avoiding Pinkie's mouth as he did so. The pony seemed to be attached to his face by her mane and tail, leaving a pink body complete with four legs dangling below. The rest of the hairs on his face had turned pink as well, forming a sort of beard-cocoon or pillow around the pony. Tying the hair up had effectively ended the pink pest's ability to climb around his face or bite him. He had won the war with a simple rubber band.
The biker slapped his belly a few times in an awkward rhythm.
"Trapped the pony with a rubber band, yeah!" he sung happily. "Gonna eat in peace, woo ha!"
He walked quickly back to the kitchen and retrieved the bowl from the floor, kicking bits of cereal under the table and frowning when the marshmallows stuck to his bare foot. He tossed the bowl back onto the table, grabbed his cereal and another can of beer, and soon had breakfast set out before him once more.
He took a large bite, easily evading the frantic movements of his living beard, and savored the moment. It tasted disgusting, but he enjoyed this breakfast much more than any he had previously eaten. He had won another fight. Harvey Grimwold was champion.
His beard-thing began to cry.
The crying was not the small, sniffling kind, either. It was a full-blown, loud, wailing cry of the same sort you might expect from a baby.
Harvey Grimwold's hands clenched the edge of the table as he fought to remain under control. Where did the tears of a beard-thing come from, anyway? He supposed the pony body dangling under his chin was fully formed, so tears weren't that big of a stretch. Besides, it could talk.
"What's wrong, Pinkie?" he asked without any concern whatsoever, and through gritted teeth.
"I'm just so hungry!" she replied through wails. Tiny beard-tears were falling onto the table where they splashed in a quiet rhythm.
"How does a beard even eat, anyway?" the biker asked mostly to himself.
"But I'm not a beard, I'm a pony. Well, at least I was a pony until I got stuck to your face." Her eyes widened in despair, "Maybe I am just a beard now." Tears began to flow anew as the pitiful pink pony pondered the possibilities.
"Aw man, come on. Just stop crying, you're gonna ruin my food," Harvey pleaded as he picked up a few marshmallows from the floor and tossed them back into the bowl.
"Oh, food. All I want is some food, please let me have some!" his beard-thing begged. "Please?"
Harvey sat and stared at the wall for a moment. He observed a particularly large roach as it struggled to climb up to the ceiling. Why was he even considering this?
"Fine. You can have some." he mumbled.
"Yay! I knew you weren't that big of a grouchy old meanie!" she responded happily and began to hum. He could feel her little legs wiggling as if she were dancing.
"Alright, shut up already. How do you eat?" the biker asked irritably.
"With your mouth, of course! Gee, you'd think that as old as you are you'd have figured that out by now!" Pinkie replied from beneath his chin.
"What? No, I meant... ugh. Whatever. How do you want to do this?"
"Just lower me down, captain!" the beard-thing called out happily.
Harvey sighed. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He lowered his chin down and dunked his beard into the cereal with a soft plop.
Pinkie giggled to herself and took a huge bite out of one of the marshmallows.
"Mmm... Om nom nom... Eep. Plegh!" she sputtered as she spit the marshmallow out. "Yuck! What did you soak this thing in?"
"Hey! You spit in my bowl, man!" Harvey raged.
"Sorry. I thought it was a marshmallow, but it tastes awful! I've never had a marshmallow that tastes awful, so this clearly isn't a marshmallow. Just what kind of trickery is this, mister?" Pinkie demanded.
"What are you even talking about? I thought you was hungry," the biker complained, his face red.
"I am, but this was yucky. Do you have any cake?"
"No."
"Let's go bake one!"
"No!"
"Any muffins?"
"No."
"Kumquats?"
"What? No."
"Pie?"
"No!" Harvey yelled.
"Wrong! There's one right here on your face, remember? But really, what do you have to eat?"
"Nothing, now. That was the last of the cereal," the biker replied to the beard-thing. What did I do to deserve this? he thought.
"Let's go to a restaurant!" the pink pony beard sang with glee.
"No!" Harvey gasped. "I can't be seen outside with you on my face like this!"
"Why don't you just cut me down? Just grab some scissors and snippy snip!" She smiled.
Harvey's eyes grew dangerously wide, though Pinkie couldn't see from her vantage point.
"Are you crazy?" he asked. "I'm a Hell's Angel! I've had my beard for eight years, I'm not about to cut it off for any reason. There has to be a way to get you off of my face without ruining my beard."
"Do you know any magic?" she asked.
"The ladies say my hands are magic," Harvey chuckled to himself.
"Great! Use your magic hands and cast some super-duper fantastic spell to get me back to Ponyville. My friends probably miss me by now," the pink beard-thing said.
The biker rolled his eyes and said, "No, that's just a figure of speech, and did you just say there are more of you somewhere?"
"Only when I need to make a point in one of my songs," she replied.
"What?" Harvey gaped.
"Nothing! All of my friends are in Ponyville, remember? I told you when you woke up after you ran all around the house screaming 'demon' which, by the way, was not funny! There weren't even any demons in the house, let alone right next to me on your face!" she huffed.
"Okay, whatever. You're hungry right? I'll just order some pizza and think of some way to hide you before it arrives." Harvey said.
"Oh yes, pizza! I love pizza. Can we get it with daisies and hay and banana peppers?" she giggled while wriggling beneath his face.
"Daisies, what the hell? No!" Harvey growled.
"Fine! What do you usually get on them, a slice of rude with a little bit of grumpy?" the beard-thing taunted.
"No, man. I just get pepperoni and cheese."
"What's a pepperoni? A demonic chilli?"
"What? No, man. It's just meat."
Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Meat like from animals?"
"Yeah, man. What else would it... Oh. Oh, man. You don't eat meat, do you?" he asked.
"Ya think?" she frowned and crossed her front legs together like arms.
"Sorry. Whatever, we'll just get cheese."
"And banana peppers."
"Fine."
Harvey stood up, walked over to the phone, and dialled.
A series of loud knocks sounded at the front door.
"Pizza!" Pinkie screamed with glee and wiggled her legs happily.
"Shut up! Nobody's supposed to know about you," Harvey whispered harshly.
"Sorry," Pinkie whispered in reply.
Harvey Grimwold moved over to the table and grabbed a twenty dollar bill. He then picked up his old motorcycle helmet from the sofa and carefully put in on. He zipped his leather jacket all the way up to his neck, and gently tucked Pinkie down into his collar. He checked the mirror quickly to ensure that his beard was entirely hidden, then went to the door.
The pizza deliveryman was staring at his feet when Harvey opened the door. He looked up and jumped back a step at Harvey's appearance, nearly dropping the pizza.
"Uh, yeah. Um, here's your pizza," the deliveryman said as he handed the steaming box over. His eyes were glued to the dark, reflective visor as if he had never seen a customer answer the door wearing a helmet. "That comes to $9.99."
Harvey handed the youth the twenty and waited impatiently for his change. The deliveryman handed him back a ten. After an awkward moment of silence in which Harvey hadn't moved, the youth reached into his money pouch and fished out a penny.
"Have a good evening, sir," the young man gulped and hurried away toward his car.
Harvey was just closing the door when a familiar voice called out.
"Hey, Harvey! How you doing, man? You ready to party?" yelled a short man with a thick handlebar moustache as he rushed up the side walk and across Harvey's lawn. The man had a case of beer in his hands.
Jerry Burnside skipped up the steps and patted Harvey hard on the shoulder as he pushed his way into the house.
"Nice getup, man," Jerry laughed as he sat down on the sofa.
Oh, crap, Harvey thought.
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To clarify something before the question is even asked, I had no intention of copying JasonTheHuman's scene from Anthropology concerning ponies reacting to humans eating meat.
Pizza just happened to be a theme right from the get-go, and then I realized "Pinkie's not going to appreciate pepperonis."
That's all there is to it.
Oh man , this is going to end poorly, you're going to be condemned to pony hell. And me with you for encouraging you to write this monstrosity.
Keep up the good work!
Waking up to this>Great start to morning
nice job!
The story is currently going through some minor editing for submission to Equestria Daily. The word is it just needs a little polish, but will almost certainly be accepted in "Round 2" of the submission process.
Here's hoping!
Ohmahgawd yes, finally, Featured!
congratulations!
273678 Don't worry about it! You didn't have her try the meat, and she didn't exactly have a heart attack, either.
i191.photobucket.com/albums/z292/fuphero/IAMTRACKINGTHIS.jpg
Good sir, I dare say that this rollicking yarn has inspired me...
To have the entire surface area of my body waxed, so that I may never have to wake up and find that my hair has been replaced by a sentient creature from another dimension!
This is wonderful! Oh my goodness... have you offered it to EqD? I dunno if they'd accept it, but it would give them a laugh!
myfacewhen.net/uploads/671-obama-not-bad.jpg
273879 Just use the attempt wisely; they have recently instituted a "three strike" rule, where a submission gets completely ignored after the third rejection, as the pre-readers have too many to handle each day. They say their job isn't to help people improve in the first place; just determine the worthiness of a story. If you're close, though, you've got a good chance.
273879
I was really impressed with it! It is the rare sort of comedy fic which is actually funny!
he should shave her off.
This story is awesome.
277016
Pepperoni...evil chili...pepper-oni?
An evil Italian chili?
I dunno.
OHMIGODILOVEITSOMUCH
"How does a beard even eat, anyway?"
-This reminds me... it is easy enough(in theory) to feed her, handingly the natural results of feeding her... a bit more disturbing.
"Her eyes widened in despair, "Maybe I am just a beard now." Tears began to flow anew as the pitiful pink pony pondered the possibilities."
...D'AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
This story is just full of LOL's. Must keep reading!
I can't believe I actually cackled like a witch when Jerry came, and Harvey's reaction, just priceless...
Dat Street Fighter reference
277016 Pepper-Oni
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pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134282576853.gif