The Doctor Screws Up Equestria

by a human

My Little Doctor

"What!?" Ditzy yelled. "You're kicking me out of the TARDIS!?"

The Doctor rubbed his head. "Well, not kicking you out, per se…"

"Is this about me not telling you about Celestia soon enough? Because, trust me, as soon as we weren't running for our lives from a crazed tentacle sex monster, I told you as soon as I could!"

"That's not it!" the Doctor said. "You told me everything… admirably. It's just, I thought this universe was completely sealed off from the others, and it isn't. I need to do something about that."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"It's a bit complicated," the Doctor said.

Ditzy sat down. "I have time."

The Doctor sighed. "Your doppelgänger accidentally opened a rift in spacetime, one that's slowly draining the human world and depositing it here. At first, I wasn't worried about it, since it seemed to deal only with living humans, and the rate at which they were being whisked from their world was slow enough it would not significantly impact their population."

"And now?" Ditzy said.

"Now I know beings from this world can go to the human world and back," the Doctor said. "Considering what happened at the hotel, that is a bit worrying."

"So you want to seal the rift," Ditzy continued. "Somehow."

The Doctor nodded. "Unfortunately, I've done this before," he said. "I need to cross the rift to seal it."

Ditzy began to see where this was going, and she did not like it.

"Once I get to the other side, I need some way to get back. While technically, yes, I could probably get back on my own, it will be a lot safer if I have an accomplice on this side with some equipment to assist my passage." The Doctor looked at Ditzy. "Someone like you."

Ditzy winced. She could see the logic in it. "But couldn't you get someone else…?"

The Doctor put a hoof on Ditzy's shoulder. "I trust you, Ditzy," he said. "And you're an astrophysicist. There couldn't be a more perfect person for the job." He sighed. "I know this is hard, but… I need you to do this for me. Okay?"

Ditzy found it difficult to argue.

– – – –

After taking a couple more showers to wash the last of the tentacle creature's fluids off of her, Ditzy found herself outside of the TARDIS, with three large metal suitcases piled in front of her.

"I've left instructions in the third box," the Doctor said. "They're pretty technical, but they probably won't give you much trouble. Oh, and be sure to open the top box first. Got to go. Good luck!"

The Doctor slammed the TARDIS door shut, and with its signature groaning, the blue box slowly faded away.

And with that, the Doctor was out of Ditzy's life.

She looked at the boxes. She knew it was probably best to wait a bit, but she couldn't resist. Immediately, she opened the top one. There, on top of some indeterminate machines, was something Ditzy couldn't believe. It was a large, wrapped present, with "To Ditzy" written on the front.

There was a letter attached. Ditzy ripped it off and read it to herself.

Dear Ditzy,

I'm sorry I had to leave you behind like this, but I hope I've made it clear that the fate of the world hangs in the balance of what I'm about to do next. Whatever happens, I cannot let them run free.

I know how lonely you'll get without me, so I'm leaving you a memento. I realize I might've said some insensitive things to you, and for that I apologize. Everyone's literary tastes are different, after all.

Thank you,
The Doctor

At the words "literary tastes," Ditzy's stomach began to churn. She slowly unwrapped to the present, trying to convince herself that no, it couldn't be, this couldn't be her last memento of the Doctor…

She opened the present to reveal that stupid book about trains she was reading.

She grabbed it and chucked it into a nearby lake.

– – – –

The Doctor's procedure for choosing new companions was long and complicated. At least in theory. In reality, the process was quite ad hoc, especially when he was stressed.

"You," the Doctor said, pointing to a completely random pony in a café. "You look bored. Want to see my time machine?"

She was a cyan unicorn, with light, almost white hair, and a picture of a harp as a cutie mark. She looked up from her tea. "Sure."

"What?"

The pony got out of her seat. "I said okay. Where's your time machine?"

The Doctor was a bit shocked. No one had reacted this way before. He wasn't about to argue with it, though. "Right this way," he said, and the two walked off.

After the cyan pony left, Bon-Bon walked up to the table and noticed that Lyra's half filled drink was there, but Lyra was not. "Dammit, not again," she muttered.

– – – –

"My name is Lyra Heartstrings," Lyra said, walking next to the Doctor. "What's yours?"

"The Doctor."

"Doctor what?"

"Doctor who," the Doctor said automatically.

"What?"

"Everyone says 'Doctor who.'"

Lyra decided to drop the subject. The two continued walking a bit in silence. After a while, she said, "So, where are we going first?"

"We need to go to the human world," the Doctor said.

Lyra balked. "The human world? Why would you want to go there? I've heard things, you know. It sounds awful."

"We're not going to sightsee," the Doctor said. "Surely you know that humans have been randomly appearing in this country for a while?"

Lyra nodded.

"I want to fix that. To do that, I need to go to the human world." He looked at Lyra. "I'll need your help."

Lyra looked surprised. "My help?"

The Doctor pointed to her horn. "I'll need to use your magic," he said. "As you probably noticed, I don't have any magic of my own."

They continued walking for a bit.

"So, just to make sure," Lyra said, "'time machine' wasn't just some euphemism for your penis?"

The Doctor just about did a spit take, even though he wasn't drinking anything. "Excuse me?"

Lyra cocked her head, as if she was reevaluating her interest in this expedition. Then she looked at the Doctor. "Now that I think about it, don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Oh, that's normal," the Doctor said, waving a hoof. "Time travel screws with your sense of déjà vu a bit."

"No, I don't think that's it," Lyra said. "It's nothing French. I just think your voice sounds familiar…"

"I really doubt—"

"That's it!" Lyra said. "I remember, when I was six, you came up to my house, talked to my mom, and said something about letting some monster stay with us or something."

"That was you!?" the Doctor said, who had, until now, remembered her as "that child with horrible judgment."

"Yep, that was me!" Lyra said. "I guess this was fate, wasn't it?"

The Doctor didn't want to legitimize that with a response. He had a unicorn that was willing to travel with him, and that was enough. Although, in retrospect, he probably should have asked that librarian first. She seemed a lot more reasonable.

Finally, they reached the TARDIS. It was sitting straight smack dab in the middle of town square. The townspeople were walking by, seemingly oblivious to it, even though it was inconveniently blocking nearly every path.

"It's got temporal distortion… thingies on it," the Doctor said, his memory failing him for a moment. Lyra looked completely unfazed. The Doctor smirked. "Wait until you see what's inside," he said.

The Doctor put his key in the slot, turned it, and opened the door. He walked inside. Lyra followed. Inside the small blue box, she suddenly found herself in a huge, multi-story room, covered in giant fake tree coat hangers, girders, and a cylindrical control panel in the center.

The Doctor waited. "Yes," he said, trying to egg her on, "it's bigger on the inside than the outside."

Lyra smirked. "That's what he said," she said.

The Doctor's face fell. "What?"

"Well, you know… it wouldn't make any sense to say 'that's what she said,' because she wouldn't be getting…"

"No, I'm just amazed you can crack dirty jokes when you're confronted with a space bending time machine," the Doctor said.

"Oh," Lyra said. "Well, that happened to me last night, so I just thought of it. And…"

The Doctor was missing Ditzy more with every passing second. "Let's just get this over with," he said. He pushed down a lever, and the front door closed and the TARDIS begin shaking. "We're heading up, near the space-time rift," the Doctor said. "Yes, this thing can travel through space as well," he added, hoping to elicit a response.

All he got was an unenthusiastic "cool."

After a couple seconds, the instruments registered them as being in the correct place, and the Doctor moved the lever back down, stopping their movement. "Now," he said, "open the front door."

Lyra obliged. They were a couple yards above a barren mountain range. "I don't see anything," Lyra said.

The Doctor was checking his screens. "Look closer," he said.

Lyra squinted, until finally, she could vaguely see some sparkly things in the air. "Is it supposed to look all sparkly?" she said.

"Not at all," the Doctor said. "We're waiting for something more obvious to happen."

Then a human came into existence at a random point in the sky and fell to the ground.

"Like that," the Doctor said. He ran over to the front door. "Do you remember where that guy appeared from?"

Lyra, finally looking a bit shaken, nodded.

"Now," the Doctor said, "I've moved us a little closer that location. I want you to stick your horn out there and emit some strong A-type magic."

Lyra looked at him like he was nuts. "A-type magic?"

The Doctor looked worried. "Didn't you learn runes in school?"

"What, like those ancient scribbly things on temples and stuff?"

The Doctor ruffled a hoof through his hair. "No, no… it's like a circuit, no, a stored procedure… no, wait, that doesn't… it's a system where anyone can draw these circles and things, and if you get them just right… okay, well, let me think…" He tried to think back to when his body was a unicorn's, and tried to think of an A-type spell she would already know. "Do you know any… transmutation spells?"

"Oh! Oh! I can turn carbonated drinks into griffon blood!" she said, then realized how strange that must have sounded. "For… reasons."

"No, it's okay. I'm sure every unicorn learns that spell at some point," the Doctor lied. "Now do that to the spot where the rift is."

Lyra looked at him. "But I don't want to turn anything into blood here."

"Don't worry, you don't have to. Just focus on emitting a similar kind of energy," the Doctor said. Lyra looked confused, but she nodded again, and looked outside. "And… now."

She stuck her horn out, and it began to glow. Almost immediately, part of the sky opened up into a blinding light and sucked the TARDIS inside of it. The two screamed as they were thrown about every which direction inside, until finally, it stopped, and they looked out to see themselves above a large, urbanized human city.

"What?" Lyra said, for once completely amazed. "But… this…"

"This is the human world," the Doctor said, feeling in his element for the first time in half a year.

– – – –

"I swear, he disappeared!"

"Come on, people don't just disappear. You know that."

"No, no, I was there. He was walking across the street, jaywalking like usual, when a car came up and…"

"Hold on, hold on. You're not going to tell me him 'disappearing' was him getting flattened under the car, are you?"

"No. Right before the car hit him, he just vanished. Like… snap. Like a jump cut, you know, like in those old movies."

"You're being stupid."

"I am not! Haven't you heard those rumors? Everyone else's seeing this happen too. And you know what happened to Obama…"

"That was different. Watch, next you'll be telling me you saw shit drop out of the sky or something."

The TARDIS chose that convenient moment to land in the middle of the alleyway. It sent bunches of papers flying everywhere, and set off a couple car alarms in the distance. After a couple seconds, the front door opened, and out came two small talking…

"Believe me now?"

"I don't believe me now."

The Doctor and Lyra looked around the empty, seedy alleyway. "Are you sure we're safe here?" Lyra said.

The Doctor scoffed. "We aren't that far into the ghetto."

"No, I mean, is the atmosphere safe for us to breathe or anything…"

"Can you breathe?"

Lyra thought about it. "Yes."

"Then we're good." The Doctor looked up. "If the humans can breathe fine in Equestria, our atmospheres must be similar enough." He suddenly noticed some extra presences, and looked to the left to see to some very scared looking hobos huddling against a wall.

"Am I high right now?" one of them said. "I have to be high right now."

"Possibly, but that has nothing to do with me," the Doctor said. "Tell me, have you two seen anything strange lately?"

The two looked at the Doctor, then glanced at the still smoking TARDIS.

"I mean aside from me," the Doctor said. "Like… people disappearing."

"A friend of mine disappeared the other day," one of them managed. "He was about to get hit by a car. Poor Chester…"

The Doctor thought it over. "Was there anything unusual about this Chester?"

The two froze. They weren't quite sure where to start.

The Doctor was a bit worried for them. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he said.

"Can we run away?" one of them said.

The Doctor looked confused. "Sure?"

And the two hobos ran away, screaming, arms flailing.

"Well, that was a bit odd," the Doctor said.

"Maybe they just aren't used to seeing ponies," Lyra said, walking around, looking at the extremely decrepit alleyway.

"Possibly, but I've heard a lot of the humans that arrive in your world already know a lot about it, so they must have some contact with us…"

"What's this?" Lyra said.

The Doctor looked over. "It's a fire escape," he said, drawing on his knowledge of urban areas from his world. "When there's a fire, you push the stairways down and you can run down to the street."

"Then why are the stairways pushed down?"

The Doctor took a closer look and noticed that, yes, the stairways were indeed pushed down. "Let's investigate," he said.

They slowly ascended the fire escape, passing floor after floor of boarded-up windows. As they got higher, they could see more of the surrounding city, and could make out, in the distance, a completely white building with an immaculate garden surrounding it. Somehow, it gave the impression of looking extremely important. After a while, they reached the top of the fire escape, and were greeted by a single door.

"What do you think it means?" Lyra said.

"It must be something extremely important," the Doctor lied. "Let's check it out." He tried to grab the doorknob a couple times with his hoof, but was unable to. He tried a couple more times, and finally managed to turn the thing, but then he discovered that the door was locked. Then, he got tired of it all, and started banging on it. "Hello! Hello! Anyone home?"

From inside, he could hear loud footsteps as someone ran through what must've been an extremely crowded room. Suddenly, there was the sounds of many latches being undone, and finally, the door slammed open, revealing a overweight, unshaven man in a T-shirt, shorts, and nothing else. "For the last time, we are not squat—!" he yelled, and then noticed he was looking at thin air. He looked down.

"Hello there," Lyra said sheepishly.

The man passed out.

– – – –

"Wake… up!" Lyra yelled, attempting to slap him across the face. Since she had hooves, she ended up hitting him far harder than she had intended, leaving quite a nasty mark. "Oh Celestia! I'm sorry!"

"What is this place?" the Doctor said, walking around. The room was filled with various types of boxes, some cardboard, some plastic, and some ultra-limited collectible edition action figure cases. In fact, if the Doctor could find any common thread between everything in the room, it was that almost everything was an action figure or something connected to an action figure. "This isn't someone's apartment, is it? Maybe it's some toymakers warehouse…"

The human started stirring. "He's waking up!" Lyra yelled.

"I noticed," the Doctor said, walking over.

He looked around the room groggily. His eyes rested on Lyra. "You're… you're… Lyra Heartstrings?"

"Yes," Lyra said, a bit worried.

The man looked at the Doctor. "And you're…" His eyes scrunched up. "Doctor Hooves?"

The Doctor looked confused. "Doctor what now?"

"Oh, right," the man said. "You prefer 'the Doctor.'"

The Doctor looked horrified. "How do you—"

"Maybe he's a fan of yours," Lyra suggested.

"I don't have fans! I save planets! Universes! I'm not some TV show!"

At that moment, a skinny man in a furry pink bathrobe walked in, scrubbing his hair with a towel. "Hey, Joe, what's going on—" Then, he saw them, and he dropped his towel and, unfortunately, one of the strings holding up his bathrobe.

He made a high-pitched squeal. "Oh. My. God. I'm your biggest fan!"

He then ran over to hug the Doctor.

– – – –

"I'm Bob, and that's Joe, and this is our apartment," Bob said, now changed out of his pink bathrobe and holding an ice pack to the black eye the Doctor had given him. "I'm sorry if anything we've done has made you uncomfortable in any way—"

"No, no, it's fine," the Doctor lied. Truth be told, he never really was good at handling naked men charging at him. He had to at least have some nice wine and a romantic dinner first. "I'm sorry, did you say your name was Bob?"

"Yes," Bob said. "Why?"

"Oh, it's nothing, it's just," the Doctor stammered, trying to avoid the subject. He looked almost exactly like… "It's just I think we've met before."

Bob blinked a few times. "I think I'd remember that."

"No, no, I think I met you yesterday, but… it was your future," the Doctor said. "I'm a time traveler," he added. "I sometimes…"

"…meet people in the wrong order," Bob and Joe said automatically. They looked at each other and high-fived. "We know."

The Doctor stared at them for a bit. "About that," he said, "how, exactly, do you know that?"

Bob looked a bit worried. "You mean you don't know?"

"Know what?"

Bob got closer. "You mean you think you're real?"

The Doctor backed away. "Last time I checked," he said.

Bob and Joe looked at each other. "This could be a bit complicated," Bob said.

"Want me to try?" Joe said.

"Sure."

Joe adjusted himself on the couch. "Okay," he said, "in 1963, the BBC started a science-fiction television show called Doctor Who. It followed the adventures of a renegade Time Lord, named the Doctor, as he traveled around time and space in his TARDIS, a time machine, with various companions. In 2010, the Hub, a then obscure children's network, launched My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, a reimagining of the classic toy line for young girls. It caught on with a lot of men, too, though, many of which happens to be Doctor Who fans, and decided to cross the two over and make the Doctor a pony." He paused. "The Doctor's a human in our TV series," he added. "So, not only are you a fictional character, you're not even a… legitimate fictional character. You're a fan work. You're a fanfiction. You're walking fanfiction."

The Doctor's face was currently contorted in a mix of disgust, confusion, and fascination. While he had traveled to multiple universes in the past, and this was always a distinct possibility, until now, he had never run into a universe where he was a television series. "I'm a what?"

"Want us to show you?" Bob said.

"Yes," the Doctor found himself saying. "Yes, I do."

They started to go towards another room, but then Lyra said, "Wait!" She fidgeted a bit. "What about me? Am I in this… Doctor Who show?"

Joe looked uncomfortable. Bob decided to take the reins. "Unfortunately, no," he said. "You're in the My Little Pony show, and you're an extra at that. You don't even have any dialogue."

"Oh," Lyra said, her hopes crushed. "You guys watch your thing, then. I'm just going to poke around out here."

Usually, Bob and Joe would have objected, but if their limited-edition action figures were going to be broken by anyone, it might as well be Lyra fucking Heartstrings.

– – – –

Bob and Joe, in one of the strangest moments of their lives, found themselves watching Doctor Who with the Doctor.

"Well," the Doctor said as the end credits rolled, "I'm not really sure what to say about that."

Neither did Bob or Joe.

The Doctor looked at them. "Am I really… that much of a… jerk?"

"Yes," Bob said. "But the best possible jerk," he added.

"The best jerk to have ever lived," Joe said.

The three were silent for a bit more.

"Was it," Joe said, searching for the right word, "accurate?"

"A bit romanticized, but yes, surprisingly so," the Doctor said. "Aside from the fact that I'm, you know… not human." He looked at the two. "Listen… they didn't… include the rainbow coat, did they?"

Bob and Joe looked at each other.

"Two seasons," Joe got out.

The Doctor rubbed his hooves through his face. "Oh god," he said. Then he jerked up. "Wait, what about all those times I slept with my companions? They didn't include that, did they? Tell me they didn't."

Bob and Joe blushed, having trouble taking in this new information smoothly. "No, they didn't," Bob said, trying not to let on the amount of fanfic ideas this was giving him. "Our society is incredibly prudish."

"And homophobic," Joe chimed in.

"And homophobic. It would be deemed unsuitable for television."

"Oh, good." It was one of the few times the Doctor would find those statements comforting.

Joe scratched his head. It was a bit rude, but… "Jack Harkness?"

"God no!" the Doctor said. "The man's probably a walking STD carrier." Then, realization dawned upon the Doctor's face. "There's porn of that, isn't there?"

Bob and Joe froze. They were silent for a bit. "No," Bob said, completely artificially. "There's no porn of you whatsoever."

"And we're not in possession of any of it," Joe added, although, in retrospect, he realized that probably did not help.

The Doctor stared into space. "This is just too strange."

"If it's any consolation, there's probably more porn of your friend out there," Joe said.

For a second, the Doctor was unbelieving. "She's not even the same species as you."

Joe looked uncomprehending. "And?"

The Doctor began to understand why humans had such a bad reputation in Equestria.

"Want to watch another?" Bob said.

The Doctor thought about it. Sure, he needed to save the universe, albeit a small one, but… "Sure."

– – – –

Lyra was looking through their front room, amazed at the sheer amount of stuff they had. Among them, she found various figurines of her and her friends from Ponyville, which was a bit unsettling. Particularly vexing was a plush toy of her that had some kind of hole in the back for some reason. She wondered what that could be for.

Then, one dirty cardboard box caugh her eyes. Specifically, it caught her eye because, on the front, "Nothing Interesting Whatsoever" was scrawled out in Sharpie. She took some other boxes off the top and opened it up.

"Oh my…"

– – – –

"So," Bob said, pressing a button on the remote, "that was Love and Monsters, the most universally reviled Doctor Who episode. Thoughts?"

The Doctor didn't want to admit that was the most accurate episode they had shown him. "We should stop wasting time," he said, trying to pretend he hadn't just watched 10 episodes of himself. "I am here for a reason, you know."

"Does it have to do with saving the universe?" Bob said.

"Or," Joe said, "all the universes?"

They made it sound so trite. "…yes."

"We will do literally anything for you," Joe said a little more sultrily than he intended.

"Right," the Doctor said, backing away. "Mainly, I just want the answers to a few questions. Have there been any strange things going on lately, like people disappearing?"

"Oh, yeah!" Bob said. "It's all over the news. No one knows why it's happening." He smiled. "Was that you?"

"Yes, unfortunately," the Doctor said. "There's a rift between this universe and Equestria. It's been slowly pulling things from this world to there."

"Wait a second," Joe said. "What you're saying is, when people here are disappearing…"

"…they're going to Equestria?" Bob said.

The Doctor didn't like where this was going. "Yes."

Bob and Joe looked at each other. "Then that means Obama…"

"That serial rapist…"

"Donald Trump…"

"Tiger Woods…"

"Kim Jong-Il…"

"My bitchy ex…"

"And Justin Bieber…"

"Are all in Equestria?"

"It would appear so," the Doctor said, not sure who any of those people were. "With the exception of your 'bitchy ex,' were those all notable people that have disappeared lately?"

"Yeah," Bob said. "No one really noticed until it started happening with celebrities. For a while the feds just insisted we were losing people in ghetto neighborhoods or something."

"Did any of the disappearances have anything in common?" the Doctor said. "Any similar circumstances?"

"Now that you mention it…" Joe said.

"Weren't they all in really risky, life or death situations when they disappeared?" Bob said.

"Yeah! Obama was about to get roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris—hail President Norris—Tiger Woods tried to go back home to his wife, Justin Bieber folded and went on a date with one of his fangirls, Donald Trump set foot in a respectable bank, that serial rapist was just about to be electrocuted on the electric chair… everyone who disappeared was in very intense, life or death situations."

"As I thought," the Doctor said. "It's taking people out towards the end of their timestreams."

Joe sensed technobabble. He quickly grabbed a piece of paper, got out a pen, and clicked it. "Continue."

The Doctor looked at him. "Basically," he said, "it's taking people out of this world near the time of their natural deaths, so that it will do the least possible damage to this world's timeline. Usually, timeline changes work like that. Unless otherwise coerced, they try to change as little as possible."

"So," Joe said, "what you're saying is, if Chuck Norris had actually been allowed to let his roundhouse kick connect with Obama, he would've killed Obama?"

"Yes?" the Doctor said, sensing there was some hidden meaning behind that comment.

"So the legends are true," Joe said dramatically.

The Doctor ignored that. "Has there been any place the disappearances seem to converge on? Where the most happened?"

"You know, I've never really thought to check," Joe said. He got up, walked to a local computer, and opened up a web browser. "Here we go… patterns in disappearances… there's been a ton of theories about this on the internet and stuff." A page appeared. "Here, here's a map of where the disappearances are, and it looks like there's a lot in…" He grew pale. He looked back at Bob. "Washington DC. Here."

"As I suspected," the Doctor said, pensive. "We heard some people talking about their friend who had disappeared outside." He looked at the screen, even though he could not decipher the map at all. "I'd like to use this computer a bit, if you don't mind."

Joe got up and raised his hands. "By all means," he said.

The Doctor got out his sonic screwdriver and started zapping the monitor. Various images started rapidly flashing across the screen. After a couple seconds of this, he stopped, and looked at a little display on his screwdriver. "That should be enough data," he said, turning away.

"So," Joe said, looking a little down, "is that all?"

"Pretty much," the Doctor said. "I may stay a little longer. Is Lyra still in the front room?"

"Probably," Joe said. "I'll check." He walked out.

Bob looked around, a bit shifty, and started whispering to the Doctor. "So, you've seen my future, right?" he said.

The Doctor hated this part of time travel. "Yes."

"So, that means I was in…"

"Equestria, yes."

"What's it like? What am I like? Am I doing good? Was Joe there?" He thought about it a bit. "Can you even tell me?"

The Doctor thought about it. There was no avoiding it. "You died right after I met you, actually," the Doctor said.

Bob froze. "What? Really?" Then he laughed. "That can't be it. You can't tell me something like that about my future, can you?"

"I sort of have to," the Doctor said. "When I met you, you told me I told you. If I didn't tell you now, it would break that part of the timeline. You know how it is."

Bob scratched his head.

"Try not to think about it too hard."

Then, from the front room, Joe screamed "Oh my god!" at the top of his lungs. The Doctor and Bob, with their experience of being and watching the Doctor respectively, knew this meant something important was happening, and ran out to the front room.

– – – –

Important turned out to be relative. What greeted them was Lyra slowly, sensually thumbing through some quite dirty magazines, while Joe stood there, not quite sure what to do about this.

"Sorry," he said, noticing how intense the two looked. "It's just… that's not something you see every day."

"Doctor…" Lyra purred. "You never told me…" She rotated the page around a couple times. "That these humans were so…" She licked the paper. "Flexible…"

The Doctor snatched the magazine from her. "Playgirl," he read, and raised an eyebrow.

"They're, uh," Bob said, "for my, uh, sister…"

The Doctor groaned. "Look, this isn't a children's TV show," he said. "You can say you're gay."

Bob and Joe's faces flushed.

"I think… I need to use the bathroom," Lyra said, walking out with a magazine in tow.

"No you don't," the Doctor said, stopping her and putting the magazine back in the box. "We're just on our way out."

"But I really need to… pee! If I don't, it could happen any—"

"You can wait for the TARDIS bathroom," the Doctor said. "Come on."

"We don't mind," Joe said. "Really."

"I don't doubt that," the Doctor said. "But I don't really want my companion here to most likely defile your bathroom. Let's go."

They walked out, Lyra pouting, and her eyes resting a little too long on Bob and Joe as they went outside. The Doctor closed the door behind them, blocking Lyra's view of the humans.

"That was mean," she said.

"I'd like to think you'd do the same thing if I was acting like that," the Doctor said. "Now let's get back to our world."

"Already!?" Lyra said, rushing down the stairs after the Doctor. "But there's so much to see! I mean, this is an entire world! Don't you want to stay, just a little bit longer?"

"I came here for one reason and one reason only," the Doctor said. "To close the rift. Personally, I can't stand humans, and neither could you until you started wanting to sleep with them."

"I don't want to sleep with them!" Lyra said. She smiled. "I want to make passionate love to them."

The Doctor looked back. "Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm bi."

Finally, they were on the ground, next to the TARDIS.

On the street, some people looked down the alleyway, saw what appeared to be two small horses, one in a tie, go inside a blue box from that one British sci-fi show, thought they were going mad, and went on with their day.

– – – –

"Bathroom's down the hall, first door on the right," the Doctor said, entering some data into the control panels. The truth was, since the TARDIS was sentient, it put a bathroom wherever you needed one, but it often took his companions a while to get used to that.

"I don't need to go anymore," Lyra said.

The Doctor briefly looked over to confirm she didn't mean she had used the control panel floor for her deeds. "You could at least have the decency to pretend you had clean motives for using the restroom."

"I don't need to pretend anything," Lyra said, walking to the front doors.

The Doctor pressed a button, making a clicking sound. "Locked."

Lyra tried the door anyway. "Dammit."

"You do realize, if you stayed behind, there would be no way back?" the Doctor said. "Not to mention, you're a fictional character in this world, and a new species." He pulled a wire. "The government would kidnap and perform strange experiments on you."

Lyra licked her lips. "Like… anal probing?"

The Doctor was seriously beginning to miss Ditzy.

"But… but… our job isn't finished here! Shouldn't you tell someone on this planet about this?" Lyra said. "The families of the disappeared humans would want to know where their loved ones are!"

"We did tell a couple people," the Doctor said. "Besides, I think a lot of families would prefer to continue believing their loved ones were dead instead of trapped in a world made for little girls but adored by middle-aged men."

Lyra scratched her head. "Why would they want to believe that?"

"Because they have decency, Lyra," the Doctor said. He pushed down a lever and the TARDIS began to lift into the air. "We are going to close the rift, and that is that. It will prevent any more humans from being untimely whisked away from their own…"

"Horrible deaths?"

"I was going to say world, but yes, that too." He pressed the button and unlocked the front doors again. "Now, open the doors and look outside again, just like last time. Don't use any magic, though. I don't think magic exists in this universe, so it could get a bit screwy."

Lyra tried her horn, making only intermittent sparkles come out. Meanwhile, somewhere in Saudi Arabia, a canister of oil exploded for seemingly no reason. "Huh. You're right."

"What did I just say!? Stop it!"

Lyra stopped. "Geez, fine."

Back up in the TARDIS, Lyra opened the doors. She had a nice view of the cityscape again. "Okay, what am I looking for this time?"

"Sparkles."

Lyra looked back. "I thought you said that's the one thing the rift wouldn't look like."

The Doctor groaned. "On our side, yes," he said. "But this universe works a bit differently, and since it's the one being drained, it's going to be a little more visible. So, tell me when you see something that looks like a giant crack in the sky. Except sparkly."

Lyra squinted. "There. I think I see something."

"Where!?"

"Over that… white building thing."

"Okay," the Doctor said. He pushed around some more levers and an inexplicable typewriter, sending the TARDIS flying towards the White House.

As soon as they got anywhere resembling close, the TARDIS was battered by about 25 machine gun turrets firing at it simultaneously.

"Eeek!" Lyra yelled as a couple bullets flew past her.

"Close the door!" the Doctor yelled. "The TARDIS is impenetrable!"

With some effort, Lyra managed to close both front doors. From the outside, she heard a couple explosions batter the TARDIS, causing the inside to shake slightly, as if they were in the middle of an extremely pathetic earthquake. "Good timing," she said.

The Doctor finished inputting the last of some extremely complicated equations. "Okay, I've got everything programmed in," he said. "The TARDIS will handle the rest automatically. Now, hold onto something. This could get a bit rough."

The Doctor pressed a button.

That was the last normal moment he had in his life.

Comments

[iamthemithras]

Ahh the memories... last time i was around fimfiction was half a year and when i came back a few days ago this story got two new chapters not counting this one.

... I'm confused... which happened first - Obama being sent to Equestria or Lyra getting perved on humans because... here in this chapter its Lyra's first encounter with the human whoop-dee-doo and i remember in the Obama story that Lyra was already into... humaniality? or would bestiality still be the right word?

Time travel is so confusing... wait - ah nevermind. I think i answered my own question

Hope you'll want to write fast again

[TangoForce141]

Hell yess I finally discovered that your writing another story.

[a human]

It's nice to hear from you guys again! I was kind of wondering where you'd gone off to, to be honest.

4852013
It's an entire series now, so if you like this, be sure to read my other stories. Each one provides subtle hints to different parts of a large conspiracy…

4851182
I already have the rough draft for the next (final) chapter done, so hopefully it will be out soon.

And, if it helps, this is the order Lyra experiences the events you mentioned:
* When she's like six, Doctor tries, and fails to drop off the human at her home
* Many years later, Lyra travels with the Doctor to the human world and becomes turned on to humans
* She returns to Ponyville
* Obama appears

At least it makes more sense than what happened to Ditzy's timeline :p

[iamthemithras]

4862052 Oh yeah, life reared its ugly head on me and i got too busy for months. Luckily now i have more time to read and write

Gotta say, i missed this part of the multiverse. Always looking forward to more of your work

[Nameless cow]

"And Justin Bieber…"

May Poseidon protect the ponies...

[RDDash]

Lyra: for whatever reason humans think you are obsessed with hands and everything human. Lives with Bon Bon who is the secret agent of SMILE.