The Doctor Screws Up Equestria

by a human

Let's kill Pinkie Pie

The TARDIS was the most private place in the universe. At least in theory. In reality that only applied if you were the Doctor, because he tended to watch everything. Therefore, if you were one of his companions, you basically had to accept you were constantly being monitored, even if you were having sex. Especially if you were having sex. Derpy asked the Doctor why and he said something about a river and timey-wimey and dropped the subject.

Derpy, however, was fed up with it, and decided to look for a place on the TARDIS where she could be alone. She was sure he couldn't watch everything. There had to be gaps. All she needed was a way of telling where they were. Fortunately, a way of doing that presented itself quite nicely. One day, she was bored and started unconsciously tapping a handrail.

Taptaptaptap.

Taptaptaptap.

Taptaptaptap.

"Stop that," the Doctor said, twitching.

And no matter where Derpy was on the TARDIS, if she started tapping that pattern the Doctor would come on over the intercom and say, "Stop that."

So one day, she systematically went through every room in the TARDIS and tapped out that pattern. The Doctor quickly admonished her over the intercom each time, until finally she reached one room of complete silence.

She shouted some obscenities, tapped the pattern again to make sure, and closed the door.

The room, like all of the storage rooms in the TARDIS, had contents completely incomprehensible to anyone who wasn't the Doctor. This time, it was a bunch of walls placed in inconvenient locations and angles.

Derpy touched one of the walls, expecting something to happen. Nothing did. It was indeed a completely plain wall. Content that the room was safe, albeit strangely laid out, Derpy headed out.

On the way to the door she bumped into someone, knocking her to the ground. She rubbed her head and looked up, panicked, expecting it to be the Doctor. It wasn't.

It was her.

Well, not exactly her. Her doppelgänger had an identical body, but was wearing glasses, slightly chipped at the top of one lens, and had a piercing expression completely unlike the vacant smile Derpy was used to seeing on herself. "Oh, sorry about that," she said in a thick British accent, and leaned over to help Derpy up.

That was when Derpy knew this was her only chance.

She quickly took advantage of the situation to make out with herself.

Her doppelgänger did not enjoy this. For the first three seconds, she tried to relax, but immediately afterwards she backed away, gurgled, and spat on the ground.

"Who are you?" she said. "You're not me."

Then, after flickering a bit, she disappeared.

Derpy felt this was sufficient cause to see the Doctor, so she went up to the control room. The Doctor was underneath the platform around the control panel, tweaking a large pile of tangled wires with his sonic screwdriver.

"Okay," Derpy said. "Okay." She tried to regain her composure. "I was down in this room with a bunch of walls, and—"

The Doctor sighed. "You saw yourself."

"Um. Yeah."

"What did you do?"

"Um." Derpy blushed.

The Doctor had seen this face before. "Okay, I know it's embarrassing, but don't worry," he said. "It isn't gay if it's yourself."

"T-That's not—!"

"Sure," the Doctor said, unconvinced but eager to get back to business. "Did you have distinguishing characteristics?"

"What?"

"Did the other you have," the Doctor said, searching for words, "a scratch, or something else different from what you usually look like?"

Derpy thought back. "She was wearing glasses, kind of glared, and had a British accent," she said. "Oh, and the glasses were a little cracked. Why?"

"Oh, time just tends to get a little more wibbly wobbly than usual in that room. That was probably you from the future," the Doctor said. "So, the next time you turn British and break your glasses, you'll need to go down there and… do whatever you did." If the Doctor realized how strange that sounded, he didn't show it. "If you don't, the paradox will make the universe explode. Or something. Okay?" He got back to work.

Derpy looked confused. "That's it?"

"Yeah, this type of thing happens all the time." He smiled. "Trust me. It's completely meaningless. No purpose whatsoever."

– – – –

After pinballing from one unrelated timeline to the next for a week, the Doctor and Derpy decided, with much reluctance, to investigate Ponyville more. After all, it was the only place where they could seem to land reliably, and it appeared to exist in nearly every variation of this world. If they were ever going to find out what was happening, it was there.

It was also, of course, where the Nightmare Night murder happened, so they made sure to be on their guard. They landed somewhere public, got outside, and asked directions for the most useful and least lethal place they could think of.

The library.

It was, to their confusion, in a large tree.

"That's a bit… ironic," the Doctor said.

"Are you sure about this?" Derpy said. "I bet there's going to be sap all over the books or something."

"Nevermind," the Doctor said. "Let's just go in."

The door opened in two sections, was a bit impractical, and really had no equivalent in the spacefaring societies the Doctor was familiar with, so he had a bit of trouble with it. It was also, of course, made of wood, rendering the sonic screwdriver, and by extension the Doctor, useless. Eventually Derpy kicked it open and they walked inside.

A lavender unicorn greeted them in disbelief. "Oh my Celestia. Patrons? We have patrons?" She looked up and yelled. "Spike! We have patrons!"

"No we don't!" a voice yelled from upstairs. "You're just hallucinating again!" He snorted. "Yeah, that's right! I spiked your food again!"

"I know! I gave it to Fluttershy! Celestia's top student, remember? Just get down here!"

A short purple dragon walked down the stairs. "Oh my Celestia! We have patrons!"

The Doctor and Derpy seriously considered leaving.

The purple pony cleared her throat. "Hi, my name is Twilight Sparkle," she said. "What types of books are you interested in?"

"History," the Doctor said. "Anything you have on history."

"Coming right up!"

Apparently the library was so consistently deserted that they made sure to pamper the few patrons they got. Soon, the Doctor and Derpy were surrounded in history books and snacks to eat while reading.

"If you need any help, just yell," Twilight said. "We'll be upstairs so we won't bother you."

"Wait," the Doctor said, "shouldn't we check out these books?"

Twilight shrugged. "Well, you can, but you can also read them here."

The Doctor couldn't think of a response to that. Twilight and Spike went upstairs and left.

"Well," Derpy said, "these should clear up what's been going on!"

They didn't.

"This worthless pile of propaganda!" the Doctor yelled, throwing a book against the wall. "I haven't seen anything this self-aggrandizing since the Master's autobiography!"

"Ran out of stallions?" Derpy said, examining a page in some detail. "What does that mean?"

"What?"

"Look at this passage." She gestured at a page in a large volume she had open in front of her. "Homosexual relations were unusual until 13th century AC, when our great Princess Celestia ran out of stallions, and in her infinite wisdom, declared them the new normal." She looked up to the Doctor. "What does that mean? Ran out of stallions for what?"

The Doctor tried to pretend that, in his long life, he hadn't been through the exact same situation. "I have no idea."

They sat there, staring at their massive pile of open books and snack containers.

"Now what?" Derpy said.

"Well, we should check out a couple books just to analyze their chemical composition," the Doctor said. "And then… I guess walk around town?" He cringed. He wasn't used to not having any idea what to do.

Derpy didn't notice. "Sounds good to me. Let's get lunch."

The Doctor looked up to the second floor. He was dreading this moment. "Twilight!" he yelled.

She ran down, excited. "Yes?" she said, getting a little too close to his personal space.

"I would like to check out," he pointed to a couple random books, "those."

"Okay!" She materialized a plastic bag out of nowhere and placed the books inside. "Did you find everything you wanted to?"

"Oh, yes," the Doctor lied. "Tell me, what was going on here 1000 years ago?"

Twilight looked confused. "What? You don't know?"

"I'm… not from around here."

"The war against Nightmare Moon."

"And 1000 years before that?"

"That was when Celestia salvaged the world from the dark ages." Twilight looked quizzical. "Why?"

"No reason."

– – – –

The Doctor and Derpy walked around town looking for somewhere tolerable to eat.

"Why did you ask those questions?" Derpy said. "Back there, in the library."

"I have a theory," the Doctor said. "You know how we keep encountering different versions of this world when we try to time travel?"

"Well, yeah."

"Why do you think that is?"

Derpy shrugged. "I don't know. Some universe leakage or something?"

"What if," the Doctor said, "those weren't different universes, but just different points in time?"

"What?" Derpy said. "Why would it change just a little bit then? Wouldn't we be able to tell?"

"It isn't little changes," the Doctor said. "Huge things are different, and the population is convinced it's always been like that. So what if… they're right?"

Derpy looked confused. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," the Doctor lied. He had a theory, but it was so horrible he dared not speak it until he had proof.

Derpy tried to change the subject, and pointed somewhere random. "Hey! Look! Let's eat there!"

The Doctor squinted at the cupcake lined monstrosity. "Sugarcube… Corner," he said. "Isn't that a bakery? Do they even serve lunch?"

"Every bakery makes little finger sandwiches," Derpy said. "Let's go in." She sprinted inside as quickly as she could, forcing the Doctor to begrudgingly follow.

Inside it was completely empty, which made it all the more shocking when a bright pink pony materialized out of seemingly nowhere.

"Hi! Do you want any cupcakes?" she said.

"Um?" the Doctor got out.

"Oh, I get it! You can't say because you're a time traveler and it would cause the universe to explode, right?"

"What."

"Okay, just so you don't accidentally erase me from existence or anything, my name is Pinkie Pie, or Pinkemena Diane Pie. I was born in the Ponyville hospital on August 6th, 1983. My parents lived on a small rock farm 50 miles to the west of here…"

"We just want sandwiches!" the Doctor yelled.

The pink pony stared at him. "Oh. You should have just said so, silly!" She bounced out.

The Doctor and Derpy awkwardly shuffled around to a table and sat down. Before they had a chance to really process anything that had just happened, the pink pony came back with some sandwiches and slammed them on the table.

"Eat up!" she said, then leaned against the table and started watching them.

Derpy immediately took a bite of the sandwich and appeared to quite enjoy it, which worried the Doctor because he could not determine exactly what it was made of. There was bread, yes, and lettuce, but underneath was some strange thin pink slab that was unidentifiable. He trepidatiously took a bite. It wasn't exactly bad, but it wasn't exactly good either, and something about it tasted uncannily familiar.

"Excuse me," he said, "what is this?" He pointed at the pink slab.

"Oh, that?" the pink pony said. "That's turkey."

The Doctor violently spit out what little of the sandwich was still in his mouth. "You mean like… like… the bird!?"

"Well, yeah! It's a turkey sandwich! Duh!"

The Doctor retched. "Oh," he said. "Oh. Oh god. That's disgusting. Why would you do that?" He stood up and walked away, clutching his stomach. "Derpy, let's go."

"Can I have your sandwich?" Derpy said through a full mouth.

The Doctor looked at her like she was insane.

Derpy leaned over to the pink pony. "Doggie bag?" she whispered.

– – – –

The next week the Doctor said something incredibly shocking and probably inaccurate.

"I've fixed it!" the Doctor yelled. "I've really fixed it!"

"Fixed what?" Derpy asked.

"I've made the TARDIS steer slightly more reliably!"

Derpy looked at him in utter disbelief. "I don't believe you."

"Oh yeah?" he said. "Then watch this!" He slammed down a particularly large lever, sending the TARDIS violently shaking around everywhere. "Allon-sy-ronimo!"

The Doctor seemed to be going nowhere in particular, so it wasn't terribly surprising that he randomly banked everywhere. The entire inside of the TARDIS tilted, causing Derpy to fall against the control panel and press every single wrong button. Outside there was a hideous ripping sound until the Doctor managed to stand up and tweak the controls back.

"What did you do!?" he yelled.

"I didn't do anything!" Derpy yelled back, patting herself off. "I just fell against the controls because of your awful steering!"

The Doctor pulled up a screen. He looked panicked. "Oh no."

"What?"

"You ripped a hole in space time."

"I did not."

He turned the screen to face her. "Believe me now?"

The screen was filled with incomprehensible diagrams and equations, which would have been hard enough to understand if they weren't constantly changing. "I don't know what that says!" Derpy said.

"Fine," the Doctor said, "then look outside."

They rushed to the front door and opened it. Nothing but blue sky.

"I don't see anything."

"You don't see a rip in space-time," the Doctor said. "Because it's a rip in time, it only exists in a couple points of space at once. Understand?"

Derpy tried to wrap her head around that. "I think."

"What we're looking for is something strange to happen."

On cue, a strange figure materialized a couple yards off the ground and fell down.

"Like that?"

"Like that."

The Doctor landed the TARDIS next to where the figure fell. They went outside, hoping to get a better look at it.

Lying in a pile of leaves, groaning, was an unusual creature. The Doctor would be tempted to describe it as apelike had he not met members of its species before, and knew how much offense they took to that. The Doctor was of the firm belief they were the second ugliest species in the galaxy. They had all this hair, but it was in all the wrong places.

The creature looked at them in stunned confusion. Its eyes rested on the Doctor, then Derpy. Among its confusion, a vague sense of recognition registered in its face.

"What," it said. "What." It paused a bit, taking this all in. "What. What?"

"What?" the Doctor said. "What?"

"What?" Derpy said. "What is it?"

"I think… it recognizes us."

"That's he to you," the creature said. Then he covered his mouth in shock. "Wait, I can understand you."

Finally, a situation the Doctor could handle. "Oh, that's the TARDIS. It has this thing called a translation matrix—"

What was presumably the creature's eyebrows raised incredulously. "TARDIS?"

"Time and—"

"—Relative Dimension In Space, I know, I know."

The Doctor was a bit taken aback. "Um. How?"

The creature started shifting awkwardly. "Okay, I really don't know how to say this without giving you guys some type of existential crisis…"

The Doctor was nonplussed. "Trust me, I've had my fair share of existential crises."

"No, I mean really—"

"Spit it out."

"It's—"

"We're characters from a TV show in your world, right?" Derpy blurted out.

Everyone stared at her in silence.

"Come on, Derpy," the Doctor said, "that's ridiculous."

Derpy looked indignant. "No it isn't."

"Please. What are the odds?"

"After everything else we've seen?"

The creature chimed in. "No, she's right." He thought about it. "Sort of."

The Doctor looked irritated. "Sort of? What do you mean sort of?"

"Okay, pay attention," the creature said. He spent a couple seconds trying to formulate some logical explanation, then gave up and cleared his throat. "So, there's this show, right? And there's this other show, right? You two are characters in fanfiction of that TV show based on characters in the first TV show."

"What first TV show?"

"The TV show where you look," the creature pointed to himself, "like this."

The Doctor, in his vanity, could not believe that. "No."

"And then there's another TV show about ponies, and people combined the two and made you."

"Made me!?"

"Okay. Well. Maybe. Chicken and egg. Not really sure which came first. And you aren't exactly the same as the fanfiction. I think," the creature said. "For example, you're a bit taller than I imagined."

The Doctor tried to pretend he wasn't flattered. "People say that to me—"

The creature looked at Derpy. "I was talking about her."

"Oh." The Doctor thought about that. "What?"

"I must say, she's actually quite intimidating."

"Thanks?" Derpy said.

The creature looked up at the part of the sky he fell from. "Listen, more importantly, is there any possibility of getting me back home?"

"Look, I need some time to process this," the Doctor said.

Noticing a break in the conversation, Derpy asked what had been bugging her for the last minute. "What's fanfiction?" she said.

The Doctor looked at her with the pained, disgusted look of someone about to explain sex to a small child. "Let's not get into that right now."

Derpy backed off. The three stood there thinking for a couple minutes.

"Okay," the creature said, "are you ready to think about taking me home now?"

The Doctor sighed and figured now would be as good a time as any to drop the bombshell. "The truth is… it's probably not possible to take you back home."

"What!?"

"Listen, holes in space-time are messy. You're lucky to have survived going in one way. We're going to have to take you into town and hope you can fit in with this society," the Doctor said. He looked at his shocked companions with completely unjustified confidence. "Any problems?"

"Yes," Derpy said, "one."

"Which is?"

"We can't even fit in with that society."

"Well," the Doctor said, "maybe he'll have better luck."

Even the creature was not convinced.

– – – –

Neither were the townspeople.

"You will never fit in here," yet another pony said before slamming the door on them.

"Maybe I could just live in a shack in the woods," the creature said.

It was a reasonable suggestion, which caught the Doctor off guard. "You're taking this well."

"Not really," the creature said. "Just wait until I've had a chance to sleep this off."

They decided to try another house.

The occupant wasn't immediately angry, which was a good sign. After answering the door, they stared deeply at the human for a long time.

"What is that?" they said. "An ape?"

The creature was predictably indignant. "Oi! I take offense to that!"

"Hey," they said, raising their hooves, "I'm sorry. I've just never seen anything like you before."

The Doctor spotted his chance. "Do you think you would be willing to provide him with room and board?"

"Okay, seriously?" they said. "That's going a bit quick." Then they thought about it. "Maybe. He doesn't have any like, arcane diseases or anything, does he?"

"What?"

"Well, he's not from around here. So he must've traveled. And if he traveled, he could've brought diseases, right?" They got defensive. "I have a right to be worried."

"No, don't worry, the TARDIS automatically disinfects anyone who gets in it." The Doctor and his companions quickly realized, with some panic, that the creature had never been in the TARDIS.

"Okay, I'm sure this 'TARDIS' is great and all, but could you please get him checked out at an actual hospital? Ponyville hospital's just down the street through the forest. Then I can probably help him." Then they paused. "No. Wait. Let me make sure this is okay with my daughter." They turned around into their house and started yelling. "Lyra! I'm probably going to let some random homeless man stay in our house! And he's some weird bipedal hairless monster! You cool with that?"

"Yeah!" a voice from inside yelled.

They turned back to the gang. "Yeah, it's cool. Just get him tested."

– – – –

The hospital was not as sure.

"I don't think we can test that," the nurse said.

"Okay. Do you think, just think," the creature said, "you could just sign a paper saying I'm clean and that would be the end of that?"

"No," the nurse said, offended, "that would be unethical."

The head nurse happened to be walking by. She poked her head in the door. "What would be unethical?"

The nurse rolled her eyes. "This thing wants to get tested. He's tired of the bureaucracy, so he's trying to get me to forge results."

"What?" The head nurse looked at the creature. "How long have you been trying to get tested?"

"About 10 minutes now."

"Wimp." The head nurse started walking out. She motioned to the nurse. "Come along. Follow me. We have a procedure for this."

The nurses quickly exited and the closed the door behind them.

The creature clapped his hands together. "Well, looks like we're making some progress!"

After they became bored enough to start reading the little medical diagrams on the wall, the Doctor began suspecting the procedure for testing unknown species was to just ignore them and hope the problem would go away.

Eventually, his patience wore thin.

"Stay here," he said, "I'm going to find a form and forge results."

"Now you're talking my language," the creature said.

"Can we come?" Derpy said, already taking a step outside.

"No," the Doctor said, shoving her back in. He pointed at the creature. "And make sure he stays here."

He closed the door. The creature stared at it impatiently. "How long do you think he'll be gone?"

"A couple hours," Derpy said. "Minimum."

The creature rubbed his face in frustration. "Dammit. First I get ripped from my home and put in a land of magical talking horses, and now I have to spend forever waiting in a doctor's office. And what's worse, I'm hungry."

"Hungry?"

"Yeah. You wouldn't happen to have a turkey sandwich, would you? A turkey sandwich sounds like it would really hit the spot right now." The creature thought about it. "Wait. No. That's ridiculous. You're herbivores. I forgot. Sorry."

Derpy, however, had produced Pinkie Pie's turkey sandwich from a saddlebag the creature wasn't quite sure she was wearing before.

"…," he got out. "Why, exactly, do you have a turkey sandwich? And was that—"

"Magical talking pony," she said.

The creature shrugged and took a bite of the sandwich.

– – – –

Infiltration. Finally something the Doctor was used to.

"John Smith, health inspector," he said, showing his psychic paper to a random nurse just because he could. He shivered in excitement.

This was going to be fun.

First thing first, he needed to see what a medical results form looked like. He waited for someone that looked important to walk by, and stopped them.

"Excuse me," he said. "I'm the health inspector." He flashed his psychic paper. "I need to make sure your forms are correct."

"My forms?"

"Your patient forms."

"Correct… how?"

"I need to make sure the margins are… acceptable."

The staff member shrugged. "Okay," he said, and handed the Doctor a random assortment of patient documents. "How are those?"

"Fine," the Doctor said, and ran off with them.

The staff member stood there, gaping.

If he didn't get that paperwork back in five minutes, six ponies would die of internal bleeding, and he doubted he was going to get them back that quickly.

– – – –

"Oh… my… god…" the creature stammered. "That sandwich was… a bad idea."

"Maybe a week was too long to let it lie around," Derpy said.

"A week!?" the creature yelled. "That sandwich was a week old!?"

"Um… yes."

"That is disgusting, you know that!?"

"It's never been a problem for me before."

The creature looked at her like she was nuts.

"Listen," he said, "I know Doctor whatshisname said to wait for him, but look… I need to get to a restroom and I need to get there now. Would you be willing… to take pity on a poor—"

"Yes."

"What?"

"I've been wanting to sneak out this whole time," Derpy said. "I was just wondering when you were going to ask."

The creature glared at her. "I hate you. All of you."

The two subtly opened the door and looked outside. The hallway was unusually empty. "The coast is clear," Derpy said, and they stepped outside.

The creature looked around. "Where do you think the restroom is?"

"I have no idea."

"Great. Thanks."

"Well, let's ask. Stay here. I'll be just a minute." Derpy ran into another hallway and flagged down a doctor. "Excuse me! Do you know where a restroom is?"

"Who are you?"

"Does it matter?"

The doctor, who, despite being named similarly, was not the the Doctor, shrugged. "There's two restrooms in this building. The closest one is through the mental ward." He pointed to a door at the end of the hall. "Through that door, first to the left."

Derpy wanted to confirm she heard that right. "Through the… mental ward?"

"Yeah, I know. That's what happens when your blueprints are designed by the princesses." He thought of something. "Speaking of which, you aren't a changeling or one of the princesses in disguise, are you? If someone random appears in this hospital, it's usually one of those, and the chance that it's one of the princesses is high enough we just have to treat everyone like they could be one of the princesses in disguise. Heck, sometimes I think half of our staff are changelings because of that. I mean, it would be the perfect place to infiltrate. Just saying. Bit of a security risk." He laughed nervously. "I mean, if you are there's nothing wrong with that, but some advance warning is nice. Illusory magic drives the mental patients nuts."

"Don't worry," Derpy said, "I'm not a changeling."

"Good, good. And tell your friend to stop hiding. All of Celestia's genetic experiments are welcome here, no matter how hideous." The doctor went away, back to his business.

The creature approached Derpy warily. "What did he say about genetic experiments?"

"Oh, you know. The timberwolves, the batponies…"

"The what?"

Derpy made a face like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "The batponies."

"Bat. Ponies." The creature tried to comprehend this. "Someone crossed bats with ponies."

"Yes. And?"

The creature tried to come up with some reasonable response to that. "Why?"

"They can stay up all night and don't need beds. Didn't you study history?"

The creature just gave Derpy a look.

In absence of any useful responses, the two went down the hallway and trepidatiously entered the mental ward.

To the creature's surprise, the patients were all quiet. Too quiet. On closer inspection, they were shivering in fear, which was not comforting.

"It's you," Derpy said.

"Thanks."

At the end of the hallway was a door to a single bathroom. "Thank god," the creature said, and went inside. He quickly exited. "Um. There's no toilet paper."

Derpy rolled her eyes. "What am I supposed to do about that?"

"I don't know, get some out of that saddlebag of yours that keeps appearing and disappearing?"

Derpy twitched. "What?"

"Well, it had a turkey sandwich in it. I can hope, right?"

"No, I mean," her face became grave, "you saw that?"

"Well… yeah."

Derpy got close to him. "Tell me what else you see," she said. "Tell me… what do my eyes look like?"

– – – –

The hospital seemed to have gone into a small panic since the Doctor stole that stallion's papers, but he shrugged it off. How important could 10 pages worth of patient records be?

And, more importantly, the Doctor was quickly realizing how lost he was. If he didn't know better, he would say the hospital kept changing arrangement on him.

Currently, he found himself in what appeared to be the mental ward.

What led him to this conclusion was that the hallway contained raving patients in locked rooms, various security cameras, and what appeared to be the only restroom in the entire building, which was oddly fitting. He could've sworn he saw some fresh blood caked into the floor.

Probably nothing.

The Doctor shrugged and figured he would use the restroom while he had the chance.

On the way to the door, one of the patients' rants caught the Doctor's attention.

"The master is here…"

The Doctor rushed against the door. "What did you say?" he said.

The patient inside made a motion like he couldn't hear the Doctor. The Doctor quickly unlocked the door with his sonic screwdriver and entered.

"What… did you say?" the Doctor said again.

"The master is here," the patient said. "She's come back. She's finally come back, and her day of reckoning will bring us all to the golden age!"

The Doctor sighed, all his panic erased. He was reasonably sure that if the Master promised another utopia to a hopeless alien world, he would not pose as a woman. "Nevermind," he said, "I thought you were talking about someone else." He looked down. "An old friend of mine."

"You're lucky," the patient said. "You get to be right next to her."

"What?"

"I saw you two, you know," the patient said, smiling. "She isn't who she seems."

"Who isn't? Derpy?"

"If that's what you want to call her, fine."

"What are you talking about!?"

The patient just started laughing in return, and the Doctor figured he wouldn't get anything else out of him. He locked the door and went outside.

"Ridiculous," the Doctor muttered under his breath. "I bet next he would've told me Derpy's responsible for destroying the planet in all those timelines…"

Suddenly Derpy, panicked, sprinted out of a door. "I lost the creature and I accidentally mixed together some chemicals and I think they're going to explode and burn down the building in a couple seconds!"

"What."

– – – –

The hospital, now completely engulfed in flames, collapsed to the ground.

"DERPY!" the Doctor yelled. "DERPY! YOU HAD ONE JOB!"

"I just don't know what went wrong!" Derpy said.

The Doctor looked at her like she was insane.

A newspaper, among other debris, blew onto his face.

"Gah! What's this?" he said, and held the newspaper in front of him, irritated. Then he noticed the date. "Oh. Oh crap."

"What?"

"Look at the date!" he yelled, and shoved it in Derpy's face.

"August 5th, 1983," she said. She looked at the Doctor, nonplussed. "What's the big deal about that?"

"It's the day before that insane pink pony was born!"

"Oh."

"We probably just erased her from existence! No, not we! You!"

Derpy was offended. "Hey!"

The Doctor started running. "To the TARDIS! We need to see how much you screwed everything up!"

– – – –

"…yeah, in some freak accident, the hospital where I was born burned to the ground," Pinkie Pie said, thinking back. "My parents didn't make it, but luckily someone saved my life and the Cakes took me in."

"And," the Doctor said, "did this… psychologically affect you?"

"What? No, don't be ridiculous. I've gotten over it. I'm completely normal now."

A loud, muffled scream came from the basement.

"Just ignore that."

"Right," the Doctor said, getting up. "Well, thank you for your cooperation. We'll let you know when the article is published."

"Okie-doki-loki!" Pinkie Pie said, bouncing away. "And I've got cupcakes to make!"

The Doctor and Derpy left.

"We got lucky," the Doctor said.

Derpy looked concerned. "I think she had someone locked in the basement." She looked at the Doctor. "Do you think she's… really insane now?"

"Well, yeah! You probably traumatized her for life!" the Doctor said. "But don't worry. It's nothing some corrective time travel can't handle. Trust me, it's something time lords get good at."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, what could go wrong?"

That was, of course, the beginning of the end for the Doctor.

Comments

[iamthemithras]

Excellent chapter!

I don't know why you only have 15 views so far, everypony is too busy reading clop to even notice quality work.

... wait a minute. my guess is that
Possible Spoiler
luna is derpy the whole time... is this even a spoiler? you practically spoon-fed it to us. anyway, if that's the case then when she met British derpy earlier... isn't that a bit weird for luna to still be rocking her disguise in the future? or maybe you intend luna to go insane in the future? ... or maybe what she saw wasn't her future self but an alternate (real) derpy (specifically from that other fan fiction I've seen before) instead because the doppleganger even felt like luna wasn't... her?

did I miss something? if I did, sorry

I actually expected you would upload the next chapter a lot longer, I thought I had to wait for next year

[a human]

3601980
I've also tried writing a clopfic, so maybe I'll post that eventually and turn the odds in my favor. (Probably not. It's a pretty dark, bizarre satire, and I don't think many people are into that.)

And to answer that other part

Yes

[TiccyToby758]

I AM CONFUSED???!!!?!?!?!