The Doctor Screws Up Equestria

by a human

Deleted Scenes

CHAPTER 3

Oh my Celestia
Originally, the first human and the Derpy doppelgänger had this exchange.

"Oh my god…"

"Celestia."

The creature looked up at Derpy. "What?"

"I believe 'oh my Celestia' is the phrase they use around here."

"Fine," he said. "Let me redo that the local way." He inhaled with as much venom as he could muster. "OH! OH MY CELESTIA!"

"Good, good," Derpy said.

Meanwhile someone walking outside got the total wrong idea.

Heat joke
This segment was funny, but created some plot holes, since it meant the Doctor noticed Derpy got swapped out with her doppelgänger too early.

This is sort of an obtuse reference to Beating the Heat, a sort-of-clopfic involving the Doctor. In it, in order to prevent the mane six's seductive odors from working on him, the Doctor travels back in time and gives himself a cold.

That story sort of influenced this one, because of its time travel abuse and how it made the Doctor and Master complete morons.

"Oh! Oh!" Derpy said, pointing at a completely random person. "Let's ask her!"

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Oh, come on. You just want to talk to her because she has a nice ass, don't you?" The Doctor said before realizing, with some confusion, he had somehow resigned himself to Derpy suddenly being a raving nymphomaniac for no reason. He wondered if she was in heat. He was kind of bad at those things, because usually whenever an awkward situation came up he would use the magic of time travel to completely avoid it. But still, he reasoned if he had the luxury to wonder she probably wasn't.

The creature was a bit disgusted by the conversation unfolding in front of him, but at the same time comforted that their cultures were not too different.

Secret
Another sequence cut for plot holes. Any of the characters involved knowing this information at this point was a problem.

"For testing unknown species?"

"Yes," the head nurse said, "we used to do checkups on Celestia's genetic experiments, remember?" She scoffed. "Before she just started using the dungeon."

The room fell silent. The head nurse realized she wasn't supposed to say that.

"Um. What she means is we're prepared for anything!" the nurse said. "Just forget you heard that."

The Doctor's jaw hit the floor. "I don't think I can."

"What genetic experiments?" Derpy said.

"Who's Celestia?" the creature said.

"And what do you mean 'using the dungeon?'" the Doctor said, eyes narrowing.

"Just nevermind!" the nurse said, pushing the head nurse out and slamming the door behind her. The Doctor, Derpy, and the creature sat there, a bit disturbed.

"Okay, seriously though, who's Celestia?" the creature said.

The Doctor thought about it. "The ruler of this land. I think."

"Except for when it's Luna," Derpy added.

"Yeah. Except for when it's her."

The human stared at them. "You two are a real help, you know that?"

TARDII
Originally, this chapter was split up into multiple chapters. This was going to be the beginning of the second part. Once I decided to merge the parts together, it took up a ton of space and just didn't work, even though it explains a lot.

Personally, this is what I believe the plural of TARDIS is.

TARDISES, or, as they were known more informally, TARDII, always worked. At least in theory. In reality, they were a damn finicky piece of equipment. Part of this had to do with it being sentient. Contrary to popular opinion, being sentient does not necessarily make a piece of equipment better. Yes, it is by definition smarter, but that usually just means it is more likely to disagree with you. Or in this case, be completely disoriented and confused by having all of space-time suddenly condensed into a small solar system. It was a problem so complete and bizarre that it would need some considerable time or help to work it out. If it had even the smallest inkling of how time progressed in this condensed, ravaged space, the rest would eventually fall into place. It was a problem for a thinker, one far beyond equipment.

So therefore, the Doctor, who dedicated most of his time fixing the TARDIS to screwing around with wires and reattaching nuts and bolts, had little to no chance of actually improving anything. Any claims to the contrary were probably wrong.

CHAPTER 5

Timeline changes
For a while, the Doctor got this quip, lampshading how arbitrary the timeline changes in this story are.

The Doctor was currently banging his head on the counter. "How," he said, "can I go back in time and kill someone and nothing changes but if I talk to someone's parents the entire world changes!?" He looked around the bar. "I mean, what is this crap!?"

Ditzy looked at him. "Go back in time? What on earth are you talking about?"

The Doctor whipped his head around. "What?"

Original argument
Soarin and Ditzy's argument before they broke up was hell to write. I must have rewritten and tweaked that thing at least five times before I got something I was happy with. This is one of the funnier early versions, just because of how petty it is.

"I can explain," Soarin said.

Ditzy eyed the almost completely violated couch. "Please, try. I could do with a laugh."

Soarin hesitated. "Straight people are supposed to be promiscuous. I felt obligated."

"If you wanted to be more promiscuous," Ditzy said, "you could have suggested having a threesome."

Soarin lost his train of thought. "Wait, really?"

"You know I don't care what other people think."

"That isn't the problem. I mean, if there's three people one of us would end up having gay sex eventually…"

"It would be you. I would find a man."

Soarin regained it. "Oh, that's just like you! Just go out, don't ask me at all. I wouldn't care. But if I did that, of course you'd go berserk."

"It was a joke. And I'm not having an affair."

"Well, you're not doing anything else either. With you it's all just work work work. I've hardly seen you recently."

"Hence Spitfire, presumably."

"I'm sorry, but I have needs too! You just haven't been there."

"What you expect me to do, stay home and do the dishes?" Ditzy said. "I thought we both agreed to not put our careers on hold for this relationship."

"I did," Soarin said, "but now I'm not so sure."

"What?"

"When was the last time we were alone and didn't talk about work or anything?"

Ditzy thought back. "The first time we met?"

"The princesses interrupted us, remember?"

"So," Ditzy said, "never?"

"Yeah."

Ditzy blinked.

"You aren't…"

Soarin glared. "This relationship has been dead for a long time and you know it."

"Where… where would you go? Spitfire?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

Soarin began walking out. "Wait!" Ditzy said before she could stop herself. "I can change! Really, I—"

"No you can't."

And Soarin slammed the door.

Ditzy fell to the ground.

Soft majors joke
Not sure why I cut this. It was just lying around. It probably screwed with the flow, but I think I was also worried people would think it was racist. :p

Usually, academia was ruled by unicorns on the basis that, because magic is a mental activity, unicorns have a natural advantage in academic fields. Sure, earth ponies and pegasi could grasp the lower fields like liberal arts and physical education, but the advanced fields? Like science and magic theory? Never.

Original Rainbow Dash confrontation
I actually wrote this segment before I wrote the rest of the chapter, which is why Ditzy is called Derpy. There's a couple funny things in here that didn't make it in the final version, like that pathetic ending.

"But," Rainbow Dash said, "then I heard about you. You pushed the boundaries of what it meant to be a pegasus for more than what I could hope to do with my cheesy tricks. You did things everyone thought only unicorns could, everyone! Now THAT is cool!" She smiled. "And I looked up to you. I wanted to be like you. So I studied."

"But the more I did, the more I realized it wasn't for me. Maybe that's why I still haven't gotten my cutie mark. No matter how hard I try, there's a lot of things I just can't get. But I still wanted to impress you, and that's why I cheated." She looked down. "I'm sorry."

"Rainbow…" Derpy said. "You do realize your plan never would have worked. I would have noticed right away if my grade sheet suddenly came back with one student miraculously doing better."

Rainbow Dash looked a bit crushed.

"Still," Derpy said, trying to comfort her, "I do appreciate the sentiment. And, while it is a bit of an abuse of authority, I will let you retake the test."

Rainbow Dash looked elated. "Really!?"

"Yes. Come by my office tomorrow afternoon. Make sure to study."

"Thank you thank you thank you!" Rainbow Dash said, doing a loop-de-loop and hugging Derpy for just a little too long. She flew off, waving.

Derpy sighed, and began her trip home.

– – – –

Rainbow Dash, of course, failed the test again.

CHAPTER 6

The hat scene
I needed to get Ditzy in a hat, so that the original timeline Doctor did not recognize her, but I had no idea how. In frustration, I wrote this as a placeholder. After writing it, I realized nearly anything would be better, and so I just had her buy the damn thing.

The reason I didn't do that begin with was that I didn't want to explain where she was keeping her wallet. I must admit, stuff like that is one of the unpleasant parts of writing MLP fanfiction. So many times, I just want to write people getting stuff out of their pockets. But I can't.

Eventually, I decided on a procedure for handling situations like that—ignore it completely. They store their wallets up their asses, I don't know.

While writing this, I realized, in the Obamaverse, nearly all the incidental straight people are ridiculously over-the-top sociopath criminals. I might elaborate on that being a stereotype or something later.

The novelty wore off after a bit when Ditzy realized that, with the exception of some more modern architecture, Ponyville was largely the same as she knew it. She sat down next to a flower bed and ate a couple flowers. She hoped she wasn't violating some zoning ordinance, but she was reasonably confident in the Doctor's ability to break her out of jail if need be.

At that moment, a stallion jumped out the window above where she was sitting. Glass shattered everywhere, but Ditzy managed to avoid the worst of it by curling into a small ball of terror.

He landed just in front of her and twisted his long, thick, curly black mustache. "Matilda! The coast is clear!" he yelled into the building.

The mare that was presumably Matilda stepped through the window. "Really," she said, "there's no need for such theatrics." She looked down and noticed Ditzy. "And look! If you had any decency you would at least check under the window before you do that! You could've killed her!"

"I could not have," the stallion said. "Seriously maimed at the worst."

"You bastard," Matilda said, but she gave him a peck on the cheek as she did so. She took off her wide-brimmed hat and tossed it at Ditzy. "Here's a hat for your trouble. Tootles!"

The two then sprinted off in opposite directions.

Ditzy stayed there for a while, wondering what the hell just happened. The hat was quite nice, though, so she decided to keep it. She carefully stepped out of the flower bed, avoiding what pieces of glass she could, and began walking back towards the library.

(TODO: think of a less random way to get her wearing a hat.)

Timeline reaction
Really short. I wanted to include this line after Ditzy screwed up her timeline, but it just didn't fit.

Ditzy looked at the shattered remains of her life in horror. "I was just teaching about this yesterday."

CHAPTER 7

Bob and the Doctor
In the actual chapter, I cut this exchange short for dramatic effect, but I actually did write the rest of it.

"Listen, is it true? What you told me?"

"What?"

"Am I really going to die today?"

The Doctor looked a bit worried. "What?"

"You remember, when you came to—"

The Doctor covered his mouth. "Listen. You met me sometime in the past, right? Well, that was me in the future. You can't tell me anything about my future, or it breaks time. Okay? You understand?" He was hoping he wouldn't have to get out the space meatball line.

Bob nodded. The Doctor lifted his hoof from his mouth.

"You did tell me to tell you to tell me that I was going to die when you met me in your future, though," Bob said.

The Doctor began to get a headache. "Yeah, sounds like me."

Original beginning
I wanted to explore Ditzy's feelings after her life was destroyed, but this segment just felt too forced.

Ditzy sat in the corner of the TARDIS control room, downcast.

"Can't we do something about this?" she said. "I mean, you're a time traveler, aren't you? Can't you do something about this?"

"Me interfering the first time was risky enough," the Doctor said. "You can't interfere with interference. It's too risky."

Ditzy chuckled. "Or the giant space meatballs come and eat everything?"

The Doctor was silent.

"This is my history. My entire life! Isn't there some way I can go back home!?"

"I'm sorry."

Ditzy was the smartest mare in Equestria. At least in theory. In reality, that never happened.

Ditzy loses it
Roughly the same with this segment. I wanted to have Ditzy lose control at some point, but the more I tried to write it, the more it seemed out of character.

Originally, I wanted her to be so distraught that her and the Doctor had implied pity sex, but I quickly realized there was no way that was going to work.

The Doctor, taken aback, tried to comfort her, patting her on the back.

"What? What happened?"

"Even if I had died in a ditch back home, that would've been better than this. At least someone would have remembered me. But this!? Not only am I completely alone, but my absence is responsible for so many deaths!" She backed away. "How could you do this to anyone!? You sick bastard!"

Original plan
As some of you might remember, I originally had a completely different plan for this storyline. I was going to divide it up into multiple parts and focus on an impending batpony attack. The more I wrote for that, though, the more I realized how many plot holes that storyline had, and ended up rewriting everything almost completely from scratch. This was one of the reasons this storyline took almost 6 months to get out.

For the curious, though, this was the original plan. It has some good parts, like an explanation as to why Bob was a target, but for the most part, I'm glad I scrapped it. It makes no sense.

PART 1

Ditzy is trying to read Atlas Shrugged (Celestia Shrugged?) when the Doctor busts in and says they got an SOS.

They go outside to investigate, and the only thing they can find is the "blood harvest hotel." The Doctor convinces the human receptionist they have a reservation with his psychic paper, and on the way up they bump into Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Ditzy try something to Rainbow Dash, but doesn't get much out of her.

PART 2

Ditzy bugs the Doctor about not reacting to Fluttershy's comment that she fed Rainbow Dash's eyeball to Angel. The Doctor realizes yeah, that is strange, and says there must be some mind control going on. Ditzy says this sounds a lot like the rumor about the cannibalistic Yellow Pegasus as she heard about in her timeline.

They go down to the cafeteria to have dinner, and run into Rev. Pie. The Doctor is surprised to see him, and they talk a bit. Ditzy asks him about Twilight, and he says she got promoted to Princess. Then she asks about Soren, and he says he doesn't know about him.

The human comes in and says Soren became destitute. Ditzy is a bit sad by this.

Then they go back up to bed and try to sleep. But, in the middle of the night, there are loud noises! Ditzy asks the Doctor about them, but he says it's probably just the people next door. Then there's a gruesome crunch, and everyone runs out to investigate. There's the human, dead! And up in the sky, a huge swarm of batponies!

PART 3

The Doctor yells at everyone to run back in, and they oblige. Someone says they need to look for the hotel boss. They bang on his supposed room to get no response, and break the door down. They find that the room is empty save for a bunch of junk, and realize the "boss" never existed. The human was running this business on his own.

They go back downstairs and the Doctor examines the body. Rev. pie says he can't stand the blood and goes up to his room. Upon examination, the Doctor notices something strange about the wounds. There is no fang marks.

Then, upstairs, a batpony breaks through a window and Rev. pie gets attacked. The Doctor runs in and tries to get it out. He succeeds, but he notices a look of desperation in its eyes, and that it seems to have no voice, and that gives him pause…

PART 4

Ditzy says, with some panic, that the yellow Pegasus is gone. They look around for a bit, and eventually try her room. Inside they fine Rainbow Dash, chained to a bed and beaten. She has a black eye. She tries to get them to leave, but they won't.

Ditzy and the Doctor briefly entertain the possibility that Fluttershy might have something to do with this. The Doctor says he needs to investigate more, and leaves Ditzy to tend to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash starts ranting about how Fluttershy went outside for some reason, and how she killed the man she loved, and how she went to another dimension and met him, and was dragged back, hardly noticing Ditzy is there.

After a while, she asks Ditzy who she is. Then Rainbow Dash is like, though, I remember you. You're that mailmare. The one that went postal and disappeared a while back.

PART 5

The Doctor and Rev. pie find a closet full of sex toys somewhere. The Doctor wonders what before, and Rev. pie says it's probably to increase the illusion there is a pony running this hotel, because it is unlikely they would keep a human around without treating them like a sex slave. The Doctor's sickened by this.

They go back to Fluttershy's room, and find a distraught Ditzy there. Ditzy attacks the Doctor, saying it would've been better if she died back in her home. Better than this.

She says Fluttershy is probably responsible for this, but the doctor says that doesn't add up. Rev. pie and the human were clearly attacked by two different things. But what?

Then they hear some screeches outside, followed by some loud thuds. They wonder what that is, but then something falls in through a window.

It's a bat pony, or what's left of it. It manages to mouth one word. "Her…" while pointing up.

The Doctor realizes something.

PART 6

He gives some deductions that narrowly misses the truth, like that Fluttershy's mind controlling them and released some type of creature on them or something.

They decide there is nothing to do but stay inside the house. They decide one person will keep watch, even though that probably will not help.

Meanwhile, a light appears in Rainbow Dash's room. She walks towards it.

The next morning, they wake up and find her gone. The weather is nice, then there is hardly any trace of the carnage outside. They decide to leave while they can.

On the way out, they see Fluttershy, brutally injured, somewhere. Ditzy runs to attack her, but the Doctor stops her, saying she's got her comeuppance.

Once in the TARDIS, the Doctor asks where they should go. Ditzy says, why don't we go to another dimension? The Doctor says, no, that's impossible. Then Ditzy tells him about Rainbow Dash's story about going to another dimension

The Doctor panics.

The sign
This was one of the segments from the original version of this chapter, hence the Blood Harvest Hotel, and Bob not having a name.

It was funny, but giving the hotel a neon sign created about a gazillion plot holes about how magic/electricity works in Equestria.

"Welcome," he said, "to the Blood Harvest Hotel!"

The Doctor looked up. "What." He got up, expecting some explanation for that. He didn't get one. "You're kidding, right?"

"Not at all," the human said. "That's what this hotel is called."

The Doctor and Ditzy stared at him, incredulous.

The human sighed theatrically. "The sign is broken again, isn't it?" he muttered. "Just a second." He walked into what looked like a closet and loudly kicked something. Immediately after, there was a humming sound, and a neon glow came from outside. The Doctor and Ditzy were too scared to look. Whatever was out there was probably unspeakably hideous, not to mention in bad taste.

The human came back in. "There, all fixed," he said.

Blood Harvest Hotel exposition
The segment that explained what was up with the Blood Harvest Hotel. Probably the best part of that original storyline, if only for the Buffy reference.

The human, sadly enough, was clearly used to this kind of reaction. "Welcome," he said, "to the Blood Harvest Hotel!"

The Doctor looked up. "What." He got up, expecting some explanation for that. He didn't get one. "You're kidding, right?"

"Not at all," the human said. "That's what this hotel is called." He clapped his hands together. "Now, what can I do for you two?"

The Doctor almost ordered a room, but one look at Ditzy confirmed she was wondering exactly what he was. He cleared his throat. "First… could you tell me why this place is called the Blood Harvest Hotel?"

The human looked confused. "Really? Everyone's heard of this place."

"We're not everyone," Ditzy said.

The human shrugged. "Okay," he said. "I'm assuming you saw that small town on the way up. Rumor has it… you know about the batponies, right? Princess Luna's servants?" The Doctor pretended to. "Well, you know, they are actually a different species from normal ponies, and rumor has it that every year they migrate here and go through something called the 'blood harvest.' Trust me, it's just as gruesome as it sounds.

"People tried to live there for a while. Real estate was sickeningly cheap, for obvious reasons. Some vigilantes tried to put a stop to the harvest. Called themselves 'slayers' or something. But after a while? Everyone who tried died, the others just gave up, and the town became abandoned.

CHAPTER 8

Original Washington DC intro
It took me a couple tries to get this part right. The main problem here was, I needed some way to get the Doctor and Lyra into Bob and Joe's apartment, and meeting one of them on the street made that way too complicated.

It was a peaceful day in Washington DC. The wind was ruffling the leaves in the trees, blowing trash through the streets, and making people's hair flowing the wind whenever they needed to say something dramatic. The police officers were also performing their daily rounds of beating up lawyers, as per the orders of the new president. Nothing lethal, mind you. Just enough so that they do not want to sue you for hot coffee or anything.

This made the presence of two small talking horses even more unsettling for the populace.

"Do you think they are used to seeing ponies?" Lyra said, although, given the looks she was getting, she was pretty sure of the answer.

"Oh, sure they are," the Doctor lied. "I've been told is that when some of these people arrive in the Equestria, they know all about us! So they must have contact with us somehow."

Lyra stopped. "Like that?" she said.

"Like what?"

She pointed to one of the passerbys, who was wearing a shirt with a picture of…

"What," the Doctor said, starting to follow the man. "What. What? What!? Why? I'm on a T-shirt!? Why am I on a T-shirt?"

Finally, after some uncomfortably crowded galloping, the Doctor reached the men tapped him on the upper leg. The man turned around and his face grew pale. He started hyperventilating.

"Excuse me," the Doctor said, "where did you get that shirt?"

The man passed out.

David Tennant reference
My editor had a headcanon that the human ("the creature") that appeared in the hospital chapter was actually David Tennant. I actually tweaked to the character's dialogue to imply that, and in this chapter, I had this segment confirming it.

"So?" Bob said as the episode finished. "How was that?"

"Interesting," the Doctor said. He didn't want to mention it, but the actor playing him looked almost like the first human he had seen in Equestria. The one that got blown up along with the hospital…

"Yeah, the 10th Doctor is the best," Joe said. He looked at the Doctor. "Sort of looks like you, doesn't it? That's how this whole thing got started, you know."

"Does he now," the Doctor said, who didn't really believe it. "Anyway, we should probably stop wasting time. I am here for a reason."

Comments

[iamthemithras]

What What What WHAT WHAT?! THREE?! THREE NEW CHAP--
Uh... damn.

And so ends the legend of The Doctor. For three years at least, and knowing our author the sequel of this story might as well come in three years.

I see you're gearing us up for a clop spin-off of this universe. You will have to explain how Derpy finds out The Doctor is in Rarity's clutches though.

Now what am I gonna read?

Wow. That emoticon is shockingly out of place...

[a human]

4891626

What What What WHAT WHAT?! THREE?! THREE NEW CHAP--

Uh... damn.

Don't trust the amount of new chapters with my stories. You probably know by now that I like devoting a chapter to deleted scenes. :p

And so ends the legend of The Doctor. For three years at least, and knowing our author the sequel of this story might as well come in three years.

I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep, but I will try improving update speeds a bit.

I see you're gearing us up for a clop spin-off of this universe.

Minor spoiler: there will be no clop spinoff. You: Asshole. is the most sexually explicit thing that I'll put on this account.

You will have to explain how Derpy finds out The Doctor is in Rarity's clutches though.

This will most likely be addressed, but thanks for reminding me.

In fact, if you, or anyone else, wants to compile a list of all the unanswered mysteries in my stories, that would be welcome. I want to be sure to answer everything.

Now what am I gonna read?

I'm going to be writing some other stories in the meantime, so you will have stuff to read.

[iamthemithras]

4892602

... Uhh... my mind is not in top working condition, you have to understand - when it comes to time travel and other mind boggling stuff my mind goes to suspension in disbelief mode so as to not ruin the fun i'm looking forward to have and do.

I am looking forward to Obama returns to Equestria... and why is it titled that? Maybe i didn't fully understand the ending to Obama goes to Equestria. That last remark though, damn.

[Luna Eclipse]

WOW DUDE. This makes 3 stories to add to my backlog o shit to read... you sure know how to make a someone happy.