Confessions of an Elder God

by TheTobacconist

Self-referral

"And then she just left," Fluttershy ended her story, "Twilight, do you think I'm going crazy?"

"No, this stuff happens all the time when I deal with Pinkie," Twilight sipped her tea, "I've been trying to figure it out for a while now, but I just can't wrap my head around it."

"I also noticed that, uhm," Fluttershy shifted in her chair, "Rainbow Dash loses track of time around Pinkie too."

"Yeah, but that's Rainbow Dash," Twilight explained, "She probably just takes suffers from narcolepsy."

"I still say we need to sit her down and have a chat with her," Rarity commented, "And it might be best if we keep snacks around. The poor girl can't think straight when she's hungry."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Come in," Twilight called.

"Really, darling," Rarity walked to the door, "That's not how you treat a visitor. You should open the door like a civilized pony-" She opened the door to let in Doctor Whooves-"Offer to take their coat if they have one-" She took the Doctor's coat-"And invite them to make themselves at home... and I suppose if they look mad you should either see them to the door or inquire as to any problems they might be having."

The Doctor was covered head to toe in black marks that had previously been hidden by his tan overcoat.

"Are you quite all right?" Rarity asked.

"I seem to be having some issues tracking down a reality bending pony," The Doctor answered, "I was hoping to get a little help."

"Of course, darling," Rarity leaned over to Twilight and whispered, "I'll distract him, you get a message to the hospital."

"Actually, Rarity," Twilight whispered, "I think he's talking about Pinkie Pie."

The Doctor walked around waving his sonic screwdriver against the walls. He knocked on them occasionally, and muttered to himself.

"And he might be a little crazy," Twilight admitted, "But when I saw him earlier he seemed perfectly fine."

"No," The Doctor commented, "This is my first time meeting you, but it might not be your first time meeting me. It's complicated."

"What?" Twilight nearly yelled, "You invited me out on a date, and you completely forgot about it?"

"No, no, no, no, no. No," The Doctor started moving his screwdriver across the bookshelves, "It just hasn't happened yet for me."

Rarity handed a letter to Spike and whispered to him. He nodded and set it alight with his green flame.

"Has your home always had a resonance of Elder God?" Doctor Whooves asked.

"What? No!" Twilight yelled, "I mean I don't know. I suppose it could?"

"Of course," The Doctor placed the sonic screwdriver into the Galifreyan pocket hidden in his collar, "Have any friends of yours been acting odd lately?"

"No. Yes," Twilight shook her head, "I mean not any odder than usual."

"I take it you mean one friend in particular," The Doctor watched Twilight's reaction and smiled to himself, "I bloody love being brilliant."

Rarity nodded casually, wrote the word 'hurry' across a piece of paper and handed it to Spike.

"He's not really that brilliant," An echoing voice came from somewhere in the kitchen, "He's just really old, so I guess he's wise, but not in a way that makes any sense. Which I guess Discord would like. Hey, mister, have you met Discord, he's really fun."

The group looked around the kitchen but saw no one else. In their silence they heard a crunching noise coming from the cookie jar on the counter. The Doctor walked to it and lifted the lid.

"Hi," Pinkie Pie thrust her head out and sprayed everyone with crumbs as she spoke, "What's up?"

"Pinkie!" Twilight yelled, "What are you doing in there?"

"I'm eating," Pinkie popped her head back in and emerged with a cookie, "Because Rarity said that I can't think straight when I'm hungry,-" She gobbled up the cookie- "and I need to be at my best if I'm going to be able to pull this off."

"Pull off what?" The Doctor asked.

"This!" Pinkie yelled and tapped him on the head, "Time out!"

He froze in place. Pinkie jumped out of the cookie jar and threw him on her back. She ran out the door and into a blue box.

"What just happened?" Twilight asked.

Rarity sighed, "I don't rightly know anymore. I need my fainting couch."

Pinkie ran her forehoof across the sleek controls of the Tardis, "Hi. It's been a while."

She looked to the Doctor and tapped him on the forehead again. He blinked a few times and looked around.

"Sexy," The Doctor yelled at the control panel, "Why would you let her in here?"

"Because she has an amazing sense of humor," Pinkie Pie answered, "Unlike someponies I know."

Pinkie Pie threw a lever.

"What are you doing?" The Doctor yelled.

"I'm going back in time," Pinkie Pie threw more switches, "Duh."

"Do you even have any idea how to use the control panel!" He fumed.

"Nope," Pinkie Pie beat on the console with a hammer, "And that's why this is going to work."

"What!" The Doctor took the hammer from her, and began beating the control panel in the proper way and muttered, "Amateur."

"I'm going to make this work the only way I know how," Pinkie answered, "By being funny."

"What are you trying to do?" The Doctor asked.

"Oh, not much really," Pinkie answered, "I'm just going to convince an Elder God to change the very fabric of reality to suit my desires."

She opened the door and hopped out into the void, "See you around!"

She rushed through the void in a large fanboat. She gazed into infinity and saw what she was looking for. It was a hideous large thing, made of mouths, teeth and tendrils.

"Hi, Pinkie," Pinkie Pie stopped just short of it.

"This is not my name," The thing coughed up an eye and placed it on a tendril to see her, "I am nothing, and never have been anything."

"That's a really sad way of thinking," Pinkie Pie patted it, "I should know because I used to think the exact same way for a long time."

"Yes," The god swallowed its eye, "Then you are me and I am you. But this is against the law. Multiple iterations of the same creature should never come into contact. You have risked much in doing this. What is your purpose?"

"Oh, that's easy," Pinkie answered, "I want to be a pony."

"You ask for something you already have," The god rumbled, "And if you do not truly have it, then how could I grant it?"

"I'm just you in few million years, but a lot changed," Pinkie Pie admitted, "I learned about humor. I don't really know how though. I think it involved a cheese wedge, I'm not really sure. But after I discovered humor I locked myself in a physical body, so that I could have fun and friends and mildly inappropriate adventures that happen off-screen."

"And so you can not achieve your desires," The god laughed, "That is quite humorous, by chasing after your desires of the moment you lost the ability to achieve your current dream."

"So," Pinkie Pie sat on a tendril, "How about it Big Girl? I've already got my parents picked out. I think they would help me keep well grounded."

The Elder Gods smiled, and Pinkie disappeared from that frame of reference.

"Heh," It chuckled, "Cheese wedge.So random."

Millions of years in the future, but still some years behind the present a pink filly was working hard to rotate the rocks from the south field to the east field.

"Huh," She muttered to herself, "This actually kind of sucks."

She fell backwards as a blue box wooshed into existence in front of her. A pony covered in black marks opened the door and waved his sonic screwdriver in front of her face.

"Well," He shrugged, "I guess it wasn't you."

He shut the door and wooshed out of that frame of reference.

"Who was that?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Comments

[CartsBeforeHorses]

Thanks for the review! Here's one for you as well.

Name of Story: Confessions of an Elder God
Grammar score: 7 / 10

There's a few errors, but nothing too severe.

I mean, I meant it as a compliment But she lectured me

There should be a comma in front of "but," and it shouldn't be capitalized. That, or you need a period.

Pinkie bounce alongside Applejack.

Should be bounced.

There's also one or two comma splices.

Pros
-The humor was pretty funny, and usually worked pretty well
-You mostly write the ponies in character, with only a few OOC moments
-Nice jab at Cupcakes

Cons
-You need a crossover tag. You involve pieces of the Doctor Who canon that people probably wouldn't know if
they didn't watch the show.
-You never really explain why Pinkie was found out, or why she decided to reveal herself. Since that isn't revealed,
Pinkie seems to be just acting out of character when she just reveals that huge secret. Though I am assuming that she is just doing it to be funny and could just jump into another iteration where she never revealed her secret.
-The ending seemed a bit rushed, and I didn't quite understand what was going on.

Notes Section
Though you do have paragraphs, it's hard to tell. You need to indent or press the enter key to indicate new paragraphs.

Overall Rating
8/10
Good story, pretty funny, just needs a crossover tag and a bit more embellishment.

[TheTobacconist]

3239772
Thanks Carts.
Edit-
Ok, I went through and indented the paragraphs (I don't know how I missed that...), fixed the grammar errors you pointed out (and others that I glanced), and added the crossover tag. I'm not really sure if I want to expound any further on the final chapter though. I appreciate your time and your review.

[Bronze Statue]

I want to do a proper review in response to yours. Really, I do. I just can't get myself to do an impartial one. I guess that the grammar score and cons in this review: 3239772 do a good job.
Another Pro I'd add into the review is how it takes a concept that is kinda fanon in many circles I frequent (that Pinkie is some kind of eldritch abomination/elder god/pre-mending planeswalker) and shows Pinkie trying to explain this to her friends.

Overall Rating: 9/10
a fun, whiplash story with a novel writing style that is just shy of haphazard, yet has its own sort of insane logic behind it (like Pinkie, Discord, and the good Doctor.) I feel like these little episodes are a bit of a preview for a larger story, where maybe eventually an iteration of her friends doesn't just go "lolwut" at her explanation of her powers, or the Doctor doesn't get tapped (hehe, MtG double meanings) and instead manages to have some sort of "insane wibbley wobbley timey wimey space genius powwow" thing with Pinkie. I don't know, but I see a lot that could come as a sequel or spinoff. I also see an alot:
4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/S8TRIo4br3I/AAAAAAAACv4/Zh7_GcMlRKo/s400/ALOT.png

(I think this counts as an Authors Helping Authors Review. I didn't want to almost exactly copy another person's review, so I just put a link to the review and typed what I'd add to the review. I don't know for sure, though.)

[TheTobacconist]

3240400
Thanks Bronze
btw the picture really helped soften the blow.

[Bronze Statue]

3243443 what do you mean? I loved the story, and even said that I can see more coming out of it in spinoffs, sequels, and followups.

[TheTobacconist]

3244734
When you pointed out the "alot".
I'm sorry, I meant the previous post as something of a joke.
edit: seriously, though, that picture is hilarious.

[Bronze Statue]

3244749Oh, I didn't actually see a typo (though I'm glad that I helped you find one.) I was just making a joke fueled by a lack of sleep. Glad you liked the picture, though

[TambourineBlossom]

3347769
awkwardgeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Doctor-Whooves-Cover.jpg
bfi.org.uk/sites/bfi.org.uk/files/styles/15_columns/public/image/doctor-who-001-main.jpg?itok=tbe8BGy-

There is a pony that bears a passing resemblance to, and is named after, the main character of Doctor Who. In this fic, the resemblance is made more explicit, with references to the Doctor's methods of dealing with certain threats, and also to his tools.

[Themaskedferret]

*Grins and applauds* very fun. Bravo on earning that random tag too

[TheTobacconist]

3452151
Thank you.

[Ultra-the-HedgeToaster]

The way Pinkie keeps "resetting" her friends is actually rather terrfying.

...Yeah, I can see there being a problem if Pinkie's friends were to know the truth. Realizing that one of your friends can dis- and re-assemble the universe on a more fundamental level then even Discord and does so casually would put a dampener on their friendship.

There's actually another interesting story that has something similar as a plot-element, though it doesn't strictly go by the "eldritch horror" assumption.

And apparently, Pinkie already had an encounter with Princess Celestia, judging by her "trying to turn me into stone" comment.

The ending is ... interesting.

Before learning the meaning of humor, Pinkie apparently started out as a "cosmic horror"-being.

[Carnation83]

Okay, now I'm worried. Pinkie Pie is basically mind wiping the other and damaging reality out of selfishness. Bananas are gonna split! Balloons will be popped! Piñata's will be broken open but there won't be any candy!

[Rubae]

I swear time travel has to do with more personal perspective than is even considered right now. I mean that literally, as science says the faster you go compared to someone else the faster you travel in time compared to them, but I think there's more to it than that. If any sci-fi entertainment had it the closest to correct, I'd wager Doctor Who(I mean as in the rules of time travel, not necessarily the method).