when slenderman left me in paradise

by Jimbob

Ain't that almost a kick in the head?

[Knight]

{Me}

“Ok so the name of the town is Ponyville?”

“Yes”

“Which is inhabited by ponies?”

“Yes”

“And they couldn’t think of a better name than Ponyville?”

“I don’t know I wasn’t here when they started the town!”

“All I’m saying is they could have tried better to name it I mean there the forest right next to this town. Forestburg there you go much more creative than Ponyville”

I don’t know why I was bugging Twilight about Ponyville’s name maybe just boredom, I have been known for strange conversations when bored.

“Forestburg sounds like a name a five year old came up with”

“I’ll have you know that I’m a respectable eighteen year old with the attention span of a six year old thank you very much”

“Yes I’ve noticed”

Twilight already sounded exhausted and we hadn’t even made it too Ponyville yet. I wonder how the citizens will take a monster strolling down their streets. Hopefully they don’t have enough pitchforks to start an angry mob, normally you need at least six with five torches but hey what do I know about angry pony mobs.
“How many pitchforks do you think the town has?”

“WHAT?! Where did that question even come from?!”

“Oh just wondering if they have enough to start an angry mob to chase me out of town”

“Why would they chase you out of town?” she seemed genuinely puzzled.

“Well I’m not a pony I walk on two legs, I have wings, I talk, and the fact the only pony, other then you and Princess Celestia, thought the best way to deal with me was a swift kick to the head”

“Well I’m sure Big Mac was just worried about his family”

“Which other ponies will also be worried about when I come into town ergo I’ll ask again how many pitchforks does the town have? And torches?”

“I don’t know but I’m sure they’ll welcome you”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When we came into town the everypony stopped what they and looked at me like, well like a monster had strolled into town threatening to poison the town’s waterhole, or tie somepony up on the railroad tracks which ever was more clichéd.

“Ummm hi”

I may as well have pulled out my gun and started screaming obscenities. I tell you what you have not seen fast till you see an entire town of ponies disappear into buildings in a mere two seconds.

“Glad to see such a big welcoming party”

“Shut up”

“Ahh don’t fret about it I’m sure they’ll warm up too me eventually” or they’ll buy more pitchforks and strike when I least expect it. Let’s hope for the first one.

“Anyway perhaps you should introduce me to your friend’s maybe ponies will calm down if they see I’m not a threat”

“I guess it couldn’t hurt” then a rather large apple slam into my head i need to tell Twilight to stop jinxing me.

“OWWW!”

“TWILIGHT RUN WHILE IT’S DISTRACTED!!!” somepony yelled as I was assault by a barrage of apple related pastries. I always wondered if this would work I began to matrix back and try to dodge most the incoming projectiles. For my efforts I got an apple in the family jewels.

“OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!” I drop to the ground like a sack of potatoes and began to roll around in a manly fashion while muttering words so fouls I won’t don’t have the will to tell you. About this time an orange pony wearing a cowboy hat ran up to me and proceeded to attempt to remove my head with a series of powerful kicks. Luckily for me I was better at dodging then I thought.

“TWILIGHT little help here!” I yelled as I dodge a particularly close call to my kneecap. Oh please don’t let her get me I don’t want to go back to the hospital.

“Applejack calm down!” And stop trying to pulverize my bones those are a necessary part of the human body! Finally she stopped taking kicks at me, thank the lord, and gave Twilight a confused look.

“But Twi he’s a monster” HA called it they thought I was a monster I mean I can’t blame them if I was a four legged pony and a bi-pedal creature started to strut through town like he owned the place I’d be nervous too.

“Correction I’m not a monster I’m a human named Jake”

“HE CAN TALK!?”

“No I just give the appearance of talking it’s actually Twilight practicing ventriloquism!”

“Sorry Applejack he’s a bit sarcastic”

“I noticed” she was giving me a glare that said ‘I’m watching you talking monkey’ I returned the glare with a well mannered sentence.

“Pleasure to meet you Applejack would I be correct to presume you have some relation to the pony that attempted to cave my skull in?” that caught her off guard.

“Wait you’re the creature that Big Mac kicked?”

“Yeah that’s me and please don’t call me creature I do have a name you know”

“Sorry why did you try to come to my farm though?”

“Well mostly since it was the first building I saw since I had gotten here”

“How did you get here?”

“I rather not have to repeat that story so how about we wait till we have everypony that wants to hear the story and then I’ll tell it, ok?”

“Alright I suppose”

“Ok Twilight what next on the agenda and don’t say you don’t know I saw you sneaking looks at the checklist in your bag” she blushed when I said this HA I knew she would have a check list.

“Next on the list is Rarity”

“Lead the way”

{Knight you ok? You’ve been quiet}

[Quiet I’m plotting]

{Plotting what dear I ask?}

[What we can do to make some cash]

{Any ideas?}

[Only one: blacksmith]

{They might already have one}

[I doubt it see the lack of smoke? And no smell of hot coals and metal? It's also pretty hard to blacksmith without thumbs I'll bet only certain ponies blacksmith and they live in bigger towns]

{Sweet blacksmithing is awesome I’ll make some daedric armor}

[Yeah that sounds sane]

{You started it!}

With an idea already forming in my head and two ponies by my side I headed towards the next objective: Don’t let Rarity ruin my trench coat!

Comments

[MrTarven]

AWESOME

[Starcat5]

Could someone PM me with the source for that cover art?

[GrosslyIncandescent]

Random Fact of the Day: Harry Potter's ponified form has a cutie mark for cock-blocking Ron.

[GrosslyIncandescent]

Also, Alpha Scorpii, when I read, "Bla Bla Bla?", I read it with Double D's voice in that one episode.

[An hero]

Fallout reference?

[EvilEnchantress]

references that I saw matrix and skyrim/elder scolls or were there more

[Sixpence]

Pretty good so far.

But it needs a strong influx of commas! You can get two for one at the Comma store right now!

Other than that? Pretty good so far, the wings are a bit cliché, but eh... Who doesn't want a pair of those.

[Paladin Redflare]

Fuckin' funny.