Chapter Six: Family, Shame and Secrets
The plan went horribly wrong. The younger brother was now doomed to his fate for failing the rite of passage one way or another. The elder sibling was running for his life, hiding from the guards in alleyways and shadows as best his alien form could in this town. If he could get out of the town he would be safe. He knew how to hide from ponies in the open country, but until then he had to hide in the nooks and crannies of the town of Ponyville.
He had been hiding from the guard for hours because he couldn't move undetected very often with them constantly patrolling the streets looking for him. His travel cloak's magic which helped him be overlooked while hiding didn't work while he was moving. His cloak was the only thing that kept him from being detected by the guard, but the effect wasn't perfect against something looking for him specifically. Sooner or later his luck would run out and he'd be caught if he didn't get out of town fast.
After checking to see if the guards had gone he made another dash to the next ally. Upon reaching the other side he scanned the surroundings. He was almost safe. There was one final stretch between him and freedom with a mare with a dark blue and pink mane. He recognized her from the candy shop and knew her temperament wasn't that of a fighter. She was a creative yet absent minded spirit. She didn't take anything seriously and would probably not be any hassle, but he knew better than to take the risk of her fire being spurred in the heat of the moment and causing trouble for him.
He waited a few moments to see if she would pass by, but it soon became apparent that she was going to be standing there a while, pondering about something. A few seconds posed no particular risk greater than what was already present, but the guards were getting better at their searching every passing minute. He couldn't wait all day for her to move on. He needed to make a run for it with or without her present.
He knew that once he exposed himself to make a run for it even a small delay could give the guards enough time to catch up to him before he could hide. He wasn't as fast as a pony, especially not a trained pegasus guard. On top of that, unicorn guards could be problematic for him if they came in close enough to use their magic. So he took a few seconds while still hidden to add that extra little touch to make sure she didn't delay him.
If he wasn't in town or being chased he might have been able to use a killing poison to silence her permanently, but a dead pony would only heighten the authorities' alertness and make them want to bring the killer to justice all the more. It would make it even harder for him to hide in the long run. Using poison recklessly was as dangerous as drinking it. He had to get her out of the way without killing her. Due to a lack of suitable local ingredients he didn't have a sleeping or paralyzing alternative at the ready. He only had one viable option left.
He took a blowpipe from his travel cloak, then saturated one of his dry blow darts with a different substance. The substance he chose was a fast acting serum to weaken a creature's resolve usually reserved for making 'interrogations' go smoothly. The fast natured serum only worked right on the weak minded but his more thorough serum would require more time to take effect, time that he wouldn't have once he shot the dart.
However, for this particular mare he knew it would do the job of shaking any feeble confidence she might have. This information he had gathered about her would give him that extra insurance he needed to get past her quickly and make his getaway. Knowing your opponent's mentality was vital in his art, as was hiding your own in deception, lies and half-truths.
Searching for the best spot to land the dart, the dark figure took aim. Knowing that his aim was good but not the best, he didn't aim for the head. Not all of the serum would enter if the dart just bounced off the skull. He wanted the full effect. The neck was a far larger and more giving target. It would still deliver the serum more than fast enough.
He listened to make sure the guards would be at the farthest distance from his escape route. If and when she screamed in pain or his approach they would be at the worst possible position to make chase. He blew hard. He quickly tucked his blowpipe away as the dart flew deep into the meat of its target, delivering the serum just as planned.
As he saw her feel for the dart in her neck he ran towards his freedom, knowing that by the time she had a chance to stop him she would be stricken with fear from the serum and flee instead. She hadn't made any noise alerting the guards just yet. All the better for him.
The startled look in her eyes when she saw him coupled with what he had learned about her reinforced what the elder sibling already knew.
He just had to keep running and was home free.
Earlier that day. "Lightning Dust, mom is calling you to come get some breakfast," Keen Wit called out after knocking on the house guest's room.
"Boo!" Lightning Dust called from the window ledge on the outside of the hall where she had first talked to the colt's father.
"Gah!" the colt exclaimed as he turned around with his hoof holding his hat on by the brim.
She had gotten up early this morning after, being hinted towards being invited to breakfast the night before. She had grown fond of picking on Keen Wit. He always seemed to come back for more punishment regardless how much she teased him.
It had been almost two weeks since she got out of the hospital and Lightning Dust was getting used to living at the inn. Her back wasn't sore or stiff anymore and she was eager to start exercising her wings soon.
After taking the rest time that Wayside had ordered her to take, she found her studies were actually progressing well. Sunny Rays was an ingenious trainer. Whenever she had trouble identifying the different kinds of clouds and what they were for Sunny Rays was always there, somehow knowing what her block was and helping her find a new way to remember it. She didn't just tell her what was what and expect her to remember like her teachers back in Manehattan.
Clouds weren't the only thing she had been studying under Sunny Rays. She also had studied why some summers needed to be hotter than others, just as some winters were light while others were heavy for a reason. Her current lessons were studying the purpose of wet and dry seasons and why they were needed as well as what side effects there would be if they're durations weren't carefully measured and scheduled correctly. She had grown to like the lessons under her new trainer but she definitely wanted to get back in the air as soon as she could. Flying was still her dream. She was just enjoying herself in the meantime.
"I was hoping you would say that," Lightning Dust said through the window. "Your mom hasn't invited me into the kitchen for over a week! I can't ever seem to figure out her dishes. She's quite the cook."
"Well maybe mom might do it more often if you weren't always running me ragged carrying all your library books after school," he retorted back.
"Well you shouldn't have been so eager to do it for free Mr. 'sly businesses colt'," she teased. The library proved to be the perfect spot to find something heavy for him to haul for her. She even managed to find a book worth cracking open.
"But I..." he began to say, then rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "Ya. I should really re-think that one."
When Lightning Dust entered the kitchen she saw Rainbow Dash already at the table. When she made eye contact with her rival Rainbow Dash stopped eating halfway through her pepper hash browns and left the table. "I have to go. My friends are waiting for me at the train station," she stated coldly.
After hearing this, Serra called out to her, "Have fun at the Crystal Empire."
Not giving a response, she quietly left the kitchen through the back door with her face tight in anger and ears flattened. This was pretty much the same response Lightning Dust had gotten whenever she ran into her rival. Although she generally only left upon seeing her when she was at the inn, t was pretty clear that Rainbow Dash was still angry at Lightning Dust but wasn't allowed to touch her.
Lightning Dust knew it was wrong yet she couldn't help but like watching her ex wing pony get flustered. She had squealed on her. The fact that Rainbow Dash was trying to quit when she ended up turning her in by mistake was the only thing keeping Lightning Dust from being just as bitter back. Despite knowing that she still was somewhat bitter to her. She had a hoof in taking her dreams away. Where there was potential for a comrade, rivalry now blossomed.
"Go ahead Keen Wit. She won't be back anytime soon," Serra said to her son, who was eyeballing Rainbow Dash's half finished breakfast from a distance.
"Why can't she just get over it?" Lightning Dust thought out loud as she sat down.
"She cares for her friends dearly and it isn't easy for her to just let go." Serra answered her rhetorical question in an 'as a matter of fact' tone. "She feels like she would be betraying them if she did. From what she told me you still haven't apologized to them."
Lightning Dust was going to retort back at the idea she needed to apologize when Keen Wit interrupted her train of thought. "Aww... peppers," he whined as he looked closer at the half eaten breakfast.
"You wanted seconds, there's your seconds. Take it or leave it."
"Are they hot?" he asked as he looked over his shoulder at his mom cooking Lightning Dust's breakfast.
"That's for you to find out. You're the only one that doesn't like peppers in this family. So either learn to not look at other ponies' plates or learn to take what you get when you ask for their leftovers," she said while putting the last little touches on the dish she was cooking.
To toy with the colt just for the fun of it, Lightning Dust looked over at the plate as if she would take it instead.
Guarding his prize from her prying eyes, he reflexively wrapped it with one front hoof protectively then dived in muzzle first, grabbed a large chunk of the hash brown and bit down.
After a moment, the colt's eyes widened in shock to what he just did, though the flavor hadn't quite touched his tongue yet.
"Chew! Don't you dare spit it out," his mother commanded him. "You took it. Now you eat it."
After a short whimper, the colt started chewing the hash browns in his mouth. With a look of surprise he turned around to look at his mother, his mouth still full.
"Bell peppers. They have no heat at all," his mother answered him with a grin, while she carried Lightning Dust's breakfast to the table. "Rainbow Dash only likes mild peppers."
As Serra set down Lightning Dust's plate, Keen Wit dived into his seconds. Lightning Dust saw that the peppers in her hash browns were a little different from the ones Keen Wit was eating. "Are they?" she asked.
"Not very," Serra answered warmly. "They're called poblano peppers. They are similar to bell but just a little hot. I buy them from Carrot Top and ask her to raise them as mild as she can, in case I want to try to slip some into Keen Wit's food," she said with a sly look on her face, glancing at her son out of the corner of her eye.
The colt coughed a little on his hash browns before swallowing, then gasped and finally looked at his mom in horror. Lightning Dust couldn't help but cackle at this before she started on her own breakfast merrily.
After the somewhat hot yet interesting breakfast, Lightning Dust was off to her studies with Sunny Rays. Keen Wit was off to play with Twist and Serrano Pepper was left with the dirty dishes.
"May I help with that?" Steel Will called from the doorway, bending over slightly for his head to be seen through it. "My brother is out taking care of some personal business and I would love to help out in exchange for some company today."
Turning her head to face him, she looked at him with pleasant surprise. "This is new. Usually you two are locked away in your room or out on businesses together. Sure. Grab that towel and start drying 'muscles'."
Iron Will watched the children play in the park while he reflected on his brother's lessons. The village counsel only gave him so long to get trained and take his supplemental rite of passage from not being raised in the village. He was running out of time but he wasn't ready. There was so much to being a minotaur that he just didn't know about growing up. Some of it seemed so distasteful to him that he had a hard time accepting them as a true way of doing things at first. He had seen his brother do the very same things countless times but it just seemed so unlike what he had ever believed that it was extremely difficult to do it himself. To top it all off, the bizarre bouts of anger he had been suppressing weren't helping him stay focused at all. It was like something was bugging him but he couldn't place his finger on it.
But ready or not, focused or not, the rite of passage would come. He had to be willing to act when the time came. Failure was not an option for Iron Will.
Several hours later, after her studies for the day were finished, Lightning Dust was conned into playing of hide and seek with Keen Wit and his friend Twist. He had blackmailed her with tattling on her with all the heavy hauling she had him do. He had discovered she hadn't even read the books. She could tell he was doing it in good spirit and just wanted a playmate, but it was easier to just humor with him than face his father. With the condition it had to be 'walk only' for the safety of her back added, she had agreed. She found that these two kids were fairly calm compared to the 'crusaders' she had seen dashing around town. Keen Wit and Twist weren't all that bad for children in her eyes.
Twist wasn't convinced she wouldn't use her wings to cheat and she had to wrap them in a bed sheet to convince her.
They had found her quickly each time it was one of their turns to seek. True to their word, they wouldn't run after her but walked. This made the chasing rather drawn out.
It had come to her turn to play seeker and managed to find Twist easily. After a funny little walking chase scene down the block and across the front of the inn, Twist managed to get back to the bench that acted as base before Lightning Dust could catch her.
"I win!" Twist called out in triumph.
"Good. Now you need to get to the candy shop Twist." Serra called out from the front door in a very serious tone. "Cinnamon called looking for you. She said you're late for work."
Twist stopped dead in her tracks. Her smile of victory is suddenly whipped clean off her face, replaced with a look of terror. "Cinnamon's working today!? Oh, I'm in trouble. I gotta go!" She ran down the street in panic.
Looking at Serra in the doorway, Lightning Dust was perplexed by something. "How many workers does BonBon need at that candy shop? I've heard of Mint, Fruity, and now Cinnamon in addition to herself. Does she really need an apprentice in that tiny shop too?"
Looking at Lightning Dust oddly, Serra opened her mouth, then closed it without saying anything. She then opened it again after a moment of thought. "It's not all that small. Now go find Keen Wit. He doesn't come out of his hiding spot until somepony finds him or he hears them give up, and be sure to put that sheet in the dirty laundry when you're done with it." She then went back into the inn with an amused face.
Lightning Dust realized she was still wrapped in the sheet. She thought about getting rid of it to save face but decided against it. Even if Twist had left, she knew Keen Wit would still expect her to keep it on until the game was over. She sighed in frustration. "...She still didn't answer my question. I had better find that twerp."
Twist ran down the street and barreled through the door of the candy shop. She was stopped dead when she suddenly bumped into Cinnamon and fell backwards onto the floor.
"Eh...hehhe... Hi... C-Cinnamon... Sorry I'm late?" She said in fear of the pony standing over her with fire in her eyes and delivery saddle bags already strapped to her back.
"..." The pony simply continued to glare silently.
"I'm sorry. I lost track of time and-"
"Thought Fruity was the one running the shop today and that she would give you some slack like she always does?" Cinnamon said with a strong dose of vinegar as Twist picked herself up off the floor meekly. "You know the shop can't be unattended while the deliveries are being done. What good is having an apprentice if she can't be dependable and be on time?"
Seeing the apprentice cower she eased up, knowing she was getting her point across. "We can finish this conversation when I get back from my rounds. I'm already late thanks to you. Just mind the shop." She headed out the door while still oozing with irritation.
Looking as high and low as her back and tied wings would allow her, Lightning Dust searched for Keen Wit. When all the easy to get out of spots had been combed and ruled out, she started searching in less strategic spots. Hiding spots that once discovered wouldn't allow for an escape, areas in where there was only one way in and out.
When she went into a one entrance ally to search a second time, she decided to give up and call out to him but she was interrupted by a sudden outburst from behind.
"Iron Will shall crush your bones pegasus!"
Turning around she saw the smaller Minotaur brother blocking the exit. A thirst for blood was in his eyes.
Keen Wit was trying to be as quiet as he could be from his hiding place in the crate that he had crawled into. Lightning Dust had come down the alley second time searching for him and was probably about to give up, making him the winner of the game.
"Iron Will shall crush your bones pegasus!"
Shifting in his hiding spot to look through the knot hole at a different angle, he saw the minotaur that was staying at his mother's inn. In the minotaur's face, Keen Wit recognized the same willingness to hurt somepony that his mom had from time to time, but unlike his mom he didn't see any sense of control in his face. This wasn't good.
"Thank you again for helping me Steel Will. It is a pain to get my husband to clean these gutters for me and I have trouble reaching them myself," Serra said to the minotaur as she came outside with a drink for her helper.
From on top a step stool that normally wouldn't allow a pony to reach the gutters, Steel Will was having little difficulty cleaning them. Finishing the area in his current reach, he came down from his step stool and sat on it, taking the drink that was offered. "And thank you for the company. I don't like to admit it as a warrior, but I get lonely easily." He adjusted his travel cloak carefully as if there were a few things inside it. "Please, continue your story about your family name."
"Well as I was saying, the youth of the family were planning to take the weakened Onion family out and end the land feud once and for all. The night before the intended raid, the leader of the family was trying to stop it without further bloodshed but couldn't get the point across to his family. As he walked through his garden of smaller crops he happened upon a personal favorite. It was a particularly hot pepper plant that he shared with nopony else in his family to protect them from it known as the ghost pepper. He looked at how many of the stray animals that would come to eat from his garden would simply leave it alone and how it had little trouble growing in comparison to the rest of his garden because of this. It was then he realized this is exactly what he needed to do. After picking from the plant he went back to the house and demanded everypony get out of bed and come outside, young and old alike.
"He then asked the bravest of the family to step forward, ones who didn't fear being hurt by their foes. Two of his own children and one niece stepped forward claiming to be so. He then asked them to eat from the basket that he had his peppers in one at a time until they were gone. Each of them boldly grabbed a pepper and threw them into their mouths without a care and started to eat.
"As they ate, they felt the burn of the pepper on their tongues and lips. All three of the challengers were completely on the ground within a minute. After a long time on the ground moaning in pain, they recovered from the fire of the peppers. When they stood up again, he asked them to continue eating the remaining peppers one at a time. None of the challengers dared return to the basket. When he asked why they hesitated, they explained that the peppers were extremely painful to eat.
"He then asked if they would ever want to eat the pepper again. They answered not if they could help it. He then told to his entire audience how the peppers had done no harm to the challengers before and if they did not mess with them again the peppers would do no harm to them in the future, but now that they had messed with the peppers once they knew better than to mess with the peppers again. Just as the Onion family now knew better than to mess with their family.
"He said that he and his family would adopt the same philosophy from this plant, as well as its name. They would make sure that if anypony ever messed with them or their loved ones they would feel the wrath of the peppers and would know better than to mess with them needlessly again. Also as the peppers, they would live and let live for all that would do the same regardless of whether they had quarreled in the past, just as the peppers they would now be named after.
"Such has been the family's way since that time. Even if we don't like somepony, we don't fight them or provoke them. But if we are forced to fight, we make sure our opponent never forgets the experience. The regular inclusion of peppers in our food is a reminder of this philosophy."
Lightning Dust wasn't in any shape to fight or flee. This wasn't a good situation. Her wings were tied up and she wouldn't have time to untie them. Even if she could depend on them to get away, her not fully healed back would be in trouble from the sudden jarring and she wouldn't make it far. One blow from the minotaur and she would indeed be crushed. If he got a hold of her it would all be over.
A Sudden stirring in a crate off to the side distracted both of them. Next thing she knew it fell over and Keen Wit rolled out of it with both front hooves holding his hat on. 'The twerp should have just stayed hidden. Now the minotaur will hurt him too.'
After quickly standing up on all four hooves, Keen Wit jumped between Lightning Dust and the threat with her to his backside. "Back off you bully!" he yelled at the minotaur.
"Iron Will has no time for earth pony children," the Minotaur declared as he pointed at Keen Wit. He then swung his arm quickly to the side. "And no fear of them either! Get out of Iron Will's way!"
Keen Wit continued to yell at the opponent that was easily ten times his size, "No! You will not touch my friend! I don't want to hurt you but I will if I have to!"
Lightning Dust was amazed at Keen Wit standing up to such an overwhelming adversary on her behalf, but she knew the twerp didn't have a chance. She wanted to get him to run but she was afraid that if she did anything recklessly it would only make the minotaur jump. She couldn't think of anything she could do that would get either of them out of this pinch.
"Then Iron Will shall crush you too..." the minotaur said coldly just before moving in.
Before the minotaur could close the distance, Keen Wit suddenly took his front hoof and ripped his hat off his head, revealing a horn glowing with magic. The minotaur stopped in his tracks as he grasped his throat. A magic aura with the same color as the energy that emanated from Keen Wit's horn held the Minotaur's throat tightly, barely letting him breathe.
Keen Wit responded to the minotaurs advance in a voice that carried the same spirit as his mother's when she stood up to Rainbow Dash in the kitchen; fiery, yet cold and dead serious, "Better hurry up then, cause you're dyin'."
"And that is why my brother and I are traveling. I am trying to prepare him for his substitute rite of passage when we return to our village. If he fails to pass he will be humiliated by his horns being broken off and being stripped of his tribal name. He will no longer be allowed to call himself Iron Will if he fails," Steel Will spoke as he finished his tale while they folded laundry, mostly bed sheets.
"Such an interesting tradition you have, and so similar to my family's past in some ways. I knew Minotaurs were generally rough around the edges, but I had no idea your kind had a culture so rich in teaching self control and learning to master your rage."
"If we didn't, we would be no better than the mindless beasts locked away in Tartarus. That is why the rite of passage is so grueling. The month long period of near starvation pushes our bodies and minds to such extremes that we are prone to lash out at anything. If we can manage to control our anger in this state while completing the difficult tasks set by the elders, we can stay in control easily in our daily lives. If we fail, then we are weak enough to be brought under control by our family and friends before we deal any great amount of harm.
"When a young minotaur fails, then they have until the age of full adulthood to try again and again before being disgraced. But my brother is already past that age." Steel Will swallowed a lump that had been forming in his throat. "Normally he would be stripped of his name immediately, but since he wasn't raised in the village the elders are allowing him one chance."
His tone changed from that of a tutor giving a history lesson to one of a mentor with concern for his student's future. "Though they expect him to fail. Every minotaur fails the first time. Even I did."
"Your illegitimate little brother," Serra said sympathetically. "His birth shamed your family and you still took him under your wing. You must truly care for him to try to prepare him for this."
"I do." Steel Will paused as he finished folding the last sheet. "But he is not my 'little' brother. Since our father's affair with his mother took place three months before my conception he was actually born before me, making him my elder. So technically I am his little brother, though not by much."
Lightning Dust could hardly believe her eyes. The colt that she had teased and made carry way more than she needed to had no reason to push himself this far for her sake. Yet here he was risking his life for her.
Keen Wit had been holding the minotaur by the throat in a stand-off for longer than a colt should have been able to last. Every time the minotaur tried to advance into attacking range, Keen Wit tightened his grip and pushed back and up just enough to put the minotaur off balance to remind him what would happen if he came at them, then eased up again when the minotaur would shake his head a little and back off.
Nevertheless, it was becoming obvious that Keen Wit's energy was getting low. He was breathing hard and his stance was getting shaky. He held his magic strong with sheer adrenaline fueled determination but even this was starting to fail. His horn was bound to give out anytime now.
For some reason no pony heard her cries for help. In fact she couldn't hear anypony nearby. Lightning Dust just didn't get it. They were right next to one of the busiest streets in Ponyville. It was like something was isolating them from the rest of the town.
Just as her hope of rescue was about to flicker out, she heard a loud clatter on the roof next to her. Looking up, she saw Zecora with some strange staff that she held against her body with one of her front hooves. She was chanting in some other language that sounded creepy. Lightning Dust wasn't about to be picky. She called to Zecora but the zebra ignored her, focused on looking for something.
Zecora suddenly reared up on her hind legs and threw her staff with all her might down behind the minotaur. The staff broke some sort of veil as it struck, revealing another zebra. He held some sort of doll in his hooves with fur strapped to it that looked the same color as the minotaur that Keen Wit was holding off.
As the new zebra looked up at Zecora he screamed, "Shaman!" in a thick accent. He attempted to flee but Zecora stops him by throwing a bottle in front of his only escape route at the entrance of the ally. The breaking bottle exploded into some sort of smoke. The smoke made the young zebra hiss and back down in defeat, dropping the doll he was carrying.
As the doll fell the rage in Iron Will's eyes started to fade. Lightning Dust became aware of the sound of ponies outside the ally. Coming around Iron Will backed off. Keen Wit, no longer having to hold the minotaur at bay, made an extreme effort to pull his hat back on then fainted from exhaustion.
Seconds later, royal guards came running through the fog with spears and horns at the ready. "Search the area for another zebra. This one had a teacher and he can't be far." The commanding officer called out to the ponies on his left. He looked around the scene. "Is everypony here alright?"
"I am thanks to Keen Wit," Lightning Dust answered, pointing to the unconscious colt, "but he ne-"
"Private! Get this colt to the hospital on the double!" the officer commanded one of his remaining troops, already ahead of Lightning Dust.
"Sir!" a pegasus answered as he scooped up Keen Wit and took flight.
After the guards had arrived and was arresting the young zebra, Zecora had jumped down and was tending to Iron Will with some sort of breathing salt to clear his head.
Once the younger zebra was sent away, the captain of the guard came up to Zecora and spoke to her.
"I am sorry for doubting you Miss Zecora. If it wasn't for Mayor Mare vouching on your reliability when she did it would have been too late." He looked at the minotaur then at Lightning Dust, though with a raised eyebrow when he saw the bed sheet. "I had heard of zebrian magic, but I didn't think it could do something this dangerous. If it wasn't for your efforts we would have never found them."
In a voice with a deadpan tone of seriousness fitting a royal guard, Zecora answered the head of the search party.
"Blood Voodoo is a dark art amongst my kind. Even for Shamans their tricks are hard to find." She took the breathing salts away from Iron Will's nose. "For the young witchdoctor, a chance to turn a new leaf. Give time and love for his soul's relief." Zecora put the stopper back into her bottle of breathing salts and placed it back among her baubles. "But the teacher can never be changed. With blood spilled, his soul became deranged. Capture him and seal him for the good of all. If he finds freedom, more innocent will fall." With this she ran off to join the search.
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Finally got my first Dislike marker... just a minute after I update and no one even would have had a chance to read it... thought id mark the occasion.
(once again, if you don't like the story, please tell me why.)
I found the beginning of this chapter to be interesting. The perspective switch was enough to throw me off so I couldn't tell what was going to happen next. From a stylistic standpoint, it was a little wordy. Possibly redundant in the first paragraph with "as best as he could" being used twice.
Your writing style thus far and in general is a little wordy, in my opinion. An example might be this paragraph:
I would have handled it slightly differently.
It's not a huge change. But by condensing the information, it's easier to picture what's going on because we're getting all of what we need at a glance rather than having to consciously paint the picture from a list of facts in our head. Especially during intense situations like this, it helps the pacing. In addition, it would appear as though we're in the mindset of a highly trained individual - someone who's more likely to process a lot of information regarding his situation and solution very quickly.
Also I'm assuming that he's sneaking up on Bon Bon. It would be good to know what she's doing because it feels like she's just standing perfectly still in the middle of the street this whole time.
I'm having trouble believing this for a simple reason; do you think you'd be able to hold someone several times your weight bearing down on you for that long?
I'm confused.
What just happened?
7874089 that response is about the right ballpark I was aiming for at the end of this chapter. Sorry if it didn't draw you into the next chapters.
Yeah, this chapter is all over the place. Probably should've been at least chronological, if you weren't going to reveal exactly who was what. I mean, it's complicated enough to throw in an unspoken story about minotaurs going through a rite of passage, and then to add in some Zebrican blood ritual conspiracy around it to, I guess, make Iron Will enraged so he'll fail his rite of passage? And then they... generously offer to buy the horns after they get cleaved from his head? Well, whatever's going on, "Earlier that day," should have come first, and "Iron Will watched the children play" should have come directly before "The plan went horribly wrong."
Just my >opinion why this chapter wasn't good as the rest of the story.