Princess Luna was sealed into the moon, by her sister's own hoof.
An act that left Princess Celestia weakened and on what feels like the verge of death. She hated it. Not the feeling of helplessness but that she was forced to treat her own sister as a threat and banish her from the world forever. Her sister, the one and only pony she allowed herself to be close to and ruled with together; the same one that she had shared the burden with of defending their kingdom and subjects.
Now she is alone and forced carry the weight of their world upon her frail shoulders. She wanted somepony to hate and blame for everything bad that had befallen them and their subjects and what pony... or wolf better than the one that had raised them when they were but fillies?
The very same wolf that must of brain washed them and forced them to take up its mantel... the same wolf that use to howl them to sleep on scary nights, or would stand guard all night to scare the monsters away?
The very same wolf that both had once called father.
well done I like it and how you even hinted at the Link X Midna idea good job
Seuuu...Celestia's daughter of a TIMBERWOLF??!!
3382078 No, she's the daughter of Link, from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
what if he came back during coronation of princess twilight
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Yep, as FOB said they're his daughters. The way I wrote the story was I was trying not to flat out say they had lost their original parents and had been taking care of themselves up till the point they met Link. But because they had never seen a real wolf before they thought he was a timberwolf that Discord had played a prank on.
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As for this... I'm not really sure if I want to write that out. It's a nice thought but to me it feels like Ill be undermining the one-shot a bit but if people show enough interest and I can come up with some nice ideas I may write the scene out.
if you make another chapter please post it here so we wont miss it
An interesting sort of "Romulus and Remus" take on Celestia and Luna's childhood.
I didn't read all of it but here is some initial stuff:
Watch the double use of "moment's rest" in the first paragraph. And again in paragraph 4 with "lighting her horn".
Vary your descriptions. Readers get hung up on doubled phrases, it disrupts the flow and is a result of hasty writing. If you read it aloud to yourself then you can tell that it sounds off. Depending on how much you care about the reader's experience, you will go back over a chapter again and again until it flows smoothly when being read aloud.
Also the mixed reference to nightmare moon as "her" as well as "it" in the third paragraph. I understand you want to de-personify her here, but you have to be consistent.
As for how you split up your paragraphs; it's better than salvation of a moon. However, there is still too much going on in single paragraphs and it scrambles a quick reader to have to piece it out. Each paragraph sets a picture and then briefly paints it, read it aloud with rests only between paragraphs and hopefully you will hear it. Breaking paragraphs up will also simplify your grammar.
I think the biggest thing that would help your writing would be to read it aloud to yourself. Had you done that then I think you might have easily caught these things yourself.
Looks really interesting and well written. Hope for more like this from you!
3589900 Oh my. Haha that was a fast read and commen, and thank you for the kind words.At the moment it's a one-shot and I'm focusing on my other two stories but someone did asked if I add any plans to write another chapter which I said no... but over the past couple weeks I have been thinking of a possible epilogue.
I'm not to sure if it would add to the story or detracted from it and that's my main reason why I'm not to excited about writing it. If you think the story could use an epilogue than I can sit down and see what I can come up with.
3589962. You're very welcome! I think adding on to the story/an epilogue would be a great idea, but I can also understand not feeling excited about a possible addition to the story. I hope for an epilogue, though. No pressure...
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LoL no pressure. Hint hint, wink.
But if thats the case... I'll think about it some more. If nothing happens, I think sometime by the end of the year Ill have something.
3590082. Lol. Okay.
*snif* Dat was beautiful.....
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Twilight Princess Link, or Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask Link? Both have wolf forms, after all.
3758090 Twilight Princess link
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Oh. Okay.
Cool! *Is a massive Twilight Princess Fan.*
Wow read it again and loved it all the same. Good job and a sad story.
4140878 Wow Thank you for the comment Shadow, I don't know what to say.
I'm happy you still find the story enjoyable enough to give a second read!
Wow, this was really awesome. The pacing worked, the story was good, and overall it's a really interesting take on Luna and Celestia's back story.
4480823 I know I've been saying for awhile in the comments but I'm now currently editing an epilogue. Thank you for the comment, since posting this story I've been so relieved to read comments like yours.
If I may ask, was there anything (other than the typos I just noticed) wrong with the story that you felt hindered it? Anything about it you found enjoyable and loved?
4481058 Aside from the typos, no, not really.
I thoroughly enjoyed Twilight's confusion during the whole situation. It seemed so natural.
where is second chapter?
4562417 Its not fully completed. I still want to do one more quick recap and get an editor to go over it before posting it. The picture was to show Its almost done, and that I wasn't just making stuff up. Sorry for the false hope.
wish link came back but otherwise very good
It would be cool of you to make a spin off of the life of Triple Spirit.
5341919 Never had plans on doing such a story but it is an interesting concept. Perhaps I'll get around to it once I cleared my back log of stories.
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...is his reincarnation not good enough?
Triple Spirit's wife has the first name Sunset? Is her last name Shimmer?
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To be fair, I never planned on Sunset Shimmer being his wife. In fact, this story was before her introduction.
Meh