• Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

MrSpartan


Just a man. Nothing special. I like almost everything I can find about sci-fi and epic high fantasy. I like plenty of other things, but you don't really care about that I'm sure.


T
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There are some things in this world that absolutely no one can walk away from unchanged. Here we have Celestia on an investigative trip to the Badlands south of Equestria. Twilight's research told of a hidden city built by wonderful and terrible beings who "came before". Celestia needs to see it for herself. It is in a barren desert tainted by an unknown energy that destroys all who live...but perhaps not all who have lived. In one burnt out ruin hidden below the depths of that lonely place is a mausoleum haunted by its mistakes. Not even the ruler of the sun is all knowing and there are some secrets that will always hurt more than they help. This is a story about desperate minds searching for a solution in desperate times, what can happen when we let fear fuel the day, and good intentions gone wrong.

This is a sequel to my other story To Be Remembered. It takes place in the same "City of Dust" as that story, but I don't think you need to read that in order to enjoy this one. It's up to you. Contains some blood and takes place in a post-apocalyptic city outside normal, happy Equestria.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 36 )

Alright guys, here it is. Please let me know what you think of it. If you hated it at least leave something constrictive behind after you tear out my heart. Data data data, I can't make bricks without clay here. Even just pointing out that you "liked the flashbacks" or "thought the beginning or ending was neat" is good. I'll take anything! I guess now I wait...

What did we do? Also that was a fun read.

I see a human tag.

The long description kind of makes me want to read it anyway.

This is one of the shining examples of good fiction on this site.

First the plot:
The story takes place in what the reader can only asume is the ruins of a human civilization that was destroyed in a war. What nation was invaded and what nation did the invading is up to speculation. We also know that a nuclear weapon was used. Once again who launched it is up to speculation.

My opionon:
In this story you leave a lot of things in this to be answered by the reader which enables us to have inresting conversations abot what we think is what, which I always like. The flashbacks in the story really answer a lot about everything if you look closely. The part where one of the scientists is prying to god while the fireball rushes him says to the reader that just got here that he did something he now regrets and wants just this last bit of mercy rom god to go to heaven when he dies (or maybe live to seek redemption). Another thing I like is the ending, where she notices those 'spirits' disapearing. Implying that their buisness here is done and they are no longer haunting the facility. Also if I remember correctly she had the feeling of being watched even before entering the facility, perhaps some humans are still alive? I like how you once again leave that up to speculation.

My problems:
My only problem is that I had a hard time contructing the facility in my mind. I wonder if that is just me?

My Final Though:
This is a good work of fiction that should get more attention. Although there where some things I wish where answered, the overall story is good.

3286684
it was really good. scientists, trying to change everything till the very end, occasional russian in the flashback, even the creature doing what it was made for - it all made perfect sense. and somehow, the addition of Celestia in place of Twilight made this story more mature.

'Slow Clap' Well done Sir, as a Elder of the Necromancy group I must say, very well done.
I salute.

3286834 Glad to hear it!

3286892 If it helps you decide, this is no "Human in Equestria" story. It was a little hard to properly categorize this, to be honest.

3287213 Wow, now that's great review/comment! Thank you for the feedback! Every bit helps.

3287253 I hope the wait was worth it. This took awhile to get every little aspect right. (and it's still lacking if you ask me but I tried.)

3287321

Beautiful, although there was not so many flashbacks, more like a DOOM feeling.

Also, the reaper made his appearance yet again.

There needs to be more flashbacks. Specifically, ones involving the nukes, and the princesses understanding exactly what the atom bomb is.

I wouldn't mind seeing the rest of the Mane Six, maybe the CMC get involved, but... maybe it's too mature for the CMC?

Anyway, great work. Have a rightfully earned upvote.

thank you for this lovely story

:heart::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

why do i imagine this to make a good movie or show? Anyway good job.

I didn't like this one as much as the first one—it felt more like horror than sci-fi, and my attention was drawn to what is happening now at the cost of what happened then, although that part wasn't neglected of course.

But don't take that to mean I thought this was bad. Just ... less my cup of tea. Although ... what did the researchers' sickness have to do with the research? I kinda thought this was going to turn into zombies lol, but it didn't, which although it was probably for the best leaves me wondering what sickened the others. I don't see the connection between the mysterious illness and the cyborg super-predator. (Which is immortal somehow.)

While good , it lacked the emotional punch of the first story.

I liked this one a lot too, but it didn't quite have the same punch, it was more along the lines of a horror fic. :twilightsheepish:


3291741 I believe the sickness was nanites (nanomachines son :rainbowwild:) that the creature/machine/terminator let lose.

3292523 But then why did it leave the two head guys alone? It still considered them prey like the others, did it not?

Yes. Love it.

Not very much like the first, but still very good.

3287851 When the Reaper makes his rounds with a grave as large as a city, he's going to have to start pulling double shifts.
3288009 The CMC?! I'm not heartless. The children will NOT be subjected to the horrors of the City of Dust. Now the other mane six? That's still a possibility. Many thanks for the upvote and comment!:pinkiehappy:
3288309 Thank you for the lovely comment!:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:
3289117 One can dream...:fluttershysad:
3291741 I agree this has more of horror vibe. That was on purpose with the situation Celestia finds herself in. As for the flashbacks, I didn't want to just throw a ton of them in there to explain every little thing. That would just be unimaginative. Instead I thought up ways to hint and show what happened in other, more natural ways like the recording or clues like the darts stuck in the wall near the beginning. As for the sickness, I know you guys will figure it out. I have faith in you. By the way, for a creature to be immortal it has to be alive in the first place. A hunk of stolen and dead flesh filled with wires and metal isn't alive in my opinion.
3291828 Nothing's perfect. :raritydespair:
3291937 wildbillkerr.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Whos-awesome_your-awesome_01.jpg
3292523 A different main character requires a different approach. Celestia is both wiser and more formidable on her own then Twilight and Spike. Every character has different flaws or values that must be confronted and every character faces something different in that old ruin in the desert. Basically what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a story and some are just darker then others. It's only fitting that Celestia (a being of light and the sun) should face one of the darkest challenges.
3293403 Yes, it did consider them prey. I wont spoil anything though.:ajsmug::ajsmug::ajsmug:
3294309 Make something too much like the first, and people will want to complain about not improving anything. Make something too different and people will want to complain that you alienated them from the series. :twilightoops::twilightoops::twilightoops:

P.S. Hints, hints everywhere.

3295785

Mayhaps the next to see the city will be Luna?

And maybe the Reaper will have more face(less)-time?
And maybe that giant psychic wave of rage horror and despair in the city is what created NMM in the first place?

And maybe I should stop now?

I very much enjoyed this. Not as much as the first one, but still very good overall.

What I enjoyed: There were a lot of moments where you left it up to the reader to figure out what had happened. I like how you made Celestia a very different character from Twilight/Spike, and gave the sense that there was more to her than what you portrayed here. I liked that you broke away to give a vantage point from the creature at one point, but don't let us 'see' it fully until the final showdown.

Where I felt it was lacking: Some of the events and jumps happened too quickly. I would have liked to have had a better feel for what was going on, especially in regards to the shack and her first foray into the lab. It was also really hard for me to get a good handle on what the lab looked like until I was more than halfway through. It may have just been me, though.

Overall, upvote from me :twilightsmile:

3295785
OK, it may not be "alive" according to you but the tissue is living and not dead and rotted off the thing. Unless it was totally dead tissue that was preserved somehow, but then it would be useless and the machinery is the only thing that is functional in the creature?

As for not wanting too many flashbacks, I can agree with that. But like you said, you were trying to show what happened by what Celestia saw in the present, and she's not paying as much attention when she's running/fighting for her life :twistnerd:

Humanities' greatest fear the threat of extinction. One every person secretly holds.

3286684 i would love to see more of these like how equestria takes it. or a longer story where the mane six are part of a third expedition with twilight. maybe with each one trying to figure out something different about us. rarity wanting to know about our clothes. applejack wanting to know about our farming techniques etc. and since its future humans u can use a lot of you're imagination

3371058 Well when I get to the third one you'll probably like it. That'll be awhile from now though.

Finally, a fiction where the writer didn't make Celestia either the tyrant or the arrogant/ignorant type.
But I really have to question... Who lowered the Sun? Doesn't Celestia have more magical capacity than that throughout all her years of moving both Sun and Moon?

3875195 I figured Luna lowered it. Seems like something Celestia would do as a sort of test and trust gesture for her sister. I think Luna could do it for at least a day.

Even though "Bonis Intentionibus" means "good intentions" the intentions of those beings (I presume they're humans) are not that good (in a short run) but way more than good in a long run.
After all, what wouldn't we do in order to protect our home, our loved ones, our friends and family and ourselves from those who wouldn't hesitate and kill us without remorse?

I loved this story as much as I loved the prequel

I suggest that you make a sequel but instead of a one shot, make a full story.

Listen, because I have something important to tell you.
I love to read. I wouldn't be here if I didn't, but this story was something interesting.
Something special. You could almost call it rare.
Actually I call it rare. Because it's rare that a story on fimfiction actually did want every great story that I read does.
It sucks me in.
The really really great stories, the ones I normally buy at the bookstore, those ones, if they are good enough will suck me in. It will make me feel like I'm actually there. I did with this. I felt like I was in the story. It was that good.
But really, whoever you are, just keep writing. Because this story is really really good.
Other stories, they're ok, but this one is awesome.
And let me tell you that I really did like it. Thank you.

mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7898-98302__UNOPT__safe_animated_image-macro_donut-joe_jimmies.gif
I love this story in every way :heart:. To start off when Celestia first enters the lab it gives off an excellent horror vibe. I can seriously imagine this part being ripped out of a very good horror game from the way the corridors and rooms are designed down to the design of the Abomination. This actually gave me the spooks for the entire first half of the lab segment, at one point I had to get up and go use the bathroom when I realised that I was so creeped out that I was nervous to leave my room :twilightoops:. This is absolutely beautifully made and you know you captured the horror vibe perfectly when MLP fanfiction creeps someone out so much in the best of ways. The second half of the lab segment seems to mainly focus on Celestia finally working up the courage to fight back. The horror vibe is really almost completely lost at this point but is replaced by some really nice action. :pinkiehappy:
One thing I forgot to point out is how the Abomination isnt all bad. It thinks its supposed to hunt down and destroy 'prey' thus it begins offing all the human scientists in the past by using (from what I gathered) artificial disease. It then escapes and creates these small 'parasites' to help it see as its eyesight is bad. The parasites are designed to sneak into a host and basically highlight them for the Abomination. We then get a part where the Abomination describes its time alone with no prey after offing all the humans until Celestia comes along. I like this entire temporary POV change from Celestia to the Abomination as its rather rare to see anything like this from the monster of all characters. :yay:
In general this is incredible, I also loved the story that came before this but I wanted to read this before leaving a comment on that story. Clearly that is no longer necessary but I must give this guy/girl credit cause he/she made a story that rustled my jimmies beyond repair in the beginning, towards the end had me cheering on celestia, and in the end made the entire story feel almost satisfying to finish reading. Bravo sir/madame because this story is probably one of my favorite stories in general. So to sum it all up, I buckin' love this fic :heart::trollestia:

hey love this story and its precursor cant wait to see what else you do

That was amazing! I just love where the story was going. I hope you're gonna make another sequel!

Absolutely loved the previous story in this little duality (here's to hoping it's the start of a series!) and this one is excellent as well. Took me a bit to get into the mood seeing as it's slightly more horror-themed rather than the more depressing and tragic story that preceded it. Nevertheless, it's very well written and the mood (despite the slight shift) sucked me in and built some amazing atmosphere.

Hope to see more of your work soon, I've got my eye on you sir!

Keep Up the Good Work
//Antoniusan

I got the feeling that the abomination was the last scientist. He was turned into the monster and killed his colleagues but was never able to escape the facility. He lived on, until Celestia showed up, and managed to end his life of torment. Then the other scientists came "in spirit" to welcome him to his eternal reward, with no hard feelings. Then the reaper showed up to complete his mission, started so long ago. His mission, now complete, they can all go on, to their final reward, TOGETHER.

I don't know why but when Celestia challenged the monster at the end and when it showed up, it reminded me of a necromorph. Dunno why.

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