In response to a growing civil war from an empire that had, once, kept the Magi Civilization tied together, a young Precursor guardian is forced to flee from his home world. He seeks refuge from outside the edges of the civilization's grasp, attempting to answer age-old questions-- questions that began with the disappearance of a powerful entity, since the early years of the universe.
Finding himself upon a strange, and unspoken, world without the safety of the elemental forces that governed his home, he faces new trials and tribulations that may yet endanger this new world, or perhaps teach him about the values and lessons of the 'Magic of Friendship.'
Equestria's magic and the civilization's elements collide in this gripping sci-fi tale of survival and enlightenment.
Proofreading done by OkemosBrony
Celestia vector in cover art by The3javi
If you enjoy reading lore, take a look at this Blog post
Disclaimer: The story is set after the events of "Magical Mystery Cure." The story may, also, contain brief bits of comic mischief, violence, and suggestive/ sexual themes throughout the story.
[E] -- Edited chapter (denotes a chapter that has been rewritten, in part or in whole)
Pro-tip: don't put dialogue in italics. It's already between quote marks.
3218831 It's a common habit of mine to differentiate narration from dialogue. Thanks for the heads-up.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Looking at the title and description, I can't find anything wrong. So, onto the story...
Shit. It's only ever happened once before that a story like this qualified for a review. Like this meaning a story that appears to be very well written...and is also of the science fiction genre (which I personally feel doesn't get enough love on this site). One thing that could be a cause for hate so far is that this part is kinda-sorta boring and a dull read, something that'll turn people off just as fast as a shitfic will. As it is a dull piece of telling exposition, I might question its relevance as it could probably be executed better if this part was expanded into its own little story.
Getting to here, I'm seeing the same sort of thing going on as with the only other sci-fi story I ever reviewed: it's taking quite a while to get to the ponies. As this is a fanfiction site for the pony show that everyone loves, if people are not yet seeing the ponies then they're going to be immediately turned off and are going to give you a dislike before leaving and not looking back. There is no easy remedy for this as in all reality it shouldn't be a problem. People here just don't seem to enjoy the sci-fi genre unless it's a crossover with something like Star Wars/Trek or Warhammer 40K. All the Asimov/Herbert-esque stuff doesn't get much love. To me, so far, this seems far more some sort of standalone sci-fi adventure instead of a fanfiction of MLP:FiM.
This is where I'd have started the story if I were you. The other stuff in the previous chapter can be explained as the story goes on and you'd probably get a lot more people's interest if you began here. There'd be a greater sense of mystery that could slowly be unveiled as the story progressed onwards instead of throwing it all at us in a very telling seventeen hundred word pre-chapter as it is here. In addition, it'd give the mysterious young non-human-thing a greater sense of mystery that could be used to better draw in readers.
Up until here there's a continued over-use of telling instead of showing. While I question whether or not this is a problem considering the excellent use of telling as a substitute, more bringing us into the moment and showing us the different festivities and character interactions would win you more brownie points...and likes.
All things considered, this is a minor gripe that I'm still going to point out. Every number less than a thousand needs to be written out, it's more professional and proper, therefore being something you should do.
I might do the whole translation thing only once, then move to just instantly translate it into English. No matter how many people say the movie sucked, I feel that Battlefield Earth did a good job when it came to separating the human and alien speech. You get a garbled dialect and subtitles once or twice before they just switch over to instant translation.
So yeah.
I'd start off with the first chapter and give us the details in the first one bit by bit as the story progresses. When I come to think of it, in fact, most of the stuff in that chapter was entirely useless for the details so far provided. Next to none of it translated over to what's going on in the pony world (which could be construed as a possible Big-Lipped Alligator Moment) and none of it was needed to get a sense for what's going on. The story would be far better without it.
Either way, you've got my like and favorite because while others may not enjoy this type of standalone sci-fi, I'm more than a fan of this genre.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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3223516 I really appreciate the feedback. Again, I haven't written a lot of stories myself, which translates to me not being a stellar writer, but I'm always open for improvement. I'm happy that you are a fan of Sci-Fi related stories.
I have made several changes, and am still in the process of revising the active chapters. Once again, thank you.
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Oh, and sorry about the delay. Hard drive broke down, so I had to find a replacement. All is well now
Interesting world and creatures you've got here, though a bit of the mane six dialogue at the beginning seemed kinda weak.
I honestly don't see why people are down voting this so much. Its has many good elements to it, such as a well developed plot, proper character development and just all around proper everything. You've created a universe that's unique and I can honestly say I haven't seen before and only feel the need to learn more about it. I look forward to more of your work.
Just wanted to point out that this seems rather OOC for the timid pegasus. Flutters isn't one to be all chill in the face of a spear as seen in A Bird in the Hoof (though it was only a wing in that case).
In any case, this is getting very interesting.
What is this a crossover of?
4102311
If you're familiar with the Jak & Daxter video game series, some of the content being crossed over is, essentially, a spin-off of that, but with a whole bunch of new fluff added to the mix to create an expansive world.
The only resemblances being made between Jak & Daxter and the Magi Chronicles are that the main characters in both the series and the story look alike, anatomically; the Metal Heads are mentioned a few times; the Precursors are mentioned rather frequently. That's, just about, where all the similarities end-- because of that, you don't, necessarily, need to know much about Jak & Daxter in order to understand the spin-off, though it does help to paint a few pictures.
a question
this fic is in the The Hero ... Discord? Group
Discord isnt even tagged
has he a bigger role in this fic? or is he even in it? :3
just wanted to ask before im going to read it
4132039 Discord is considered a side character in this story. He makes his appearance in Chapter 15, and will continue to appear in later chapters.
I just finished reading, your writing gets better over time, could use some work, but not bad overall
4279957
Thanks for the input. I strive to refine the rough edges that I find at any opportunity. I may need to seek the assistance of an extra proofreader/editor or two, though, because of its size...
To the Group-mobile! (bad pun is bad, I know)
4279978 having a proof reader would help, just someone that could read and make suggestions would make it better
4280061
I do, in fact, have a proofreader, though that individual's activity levels seemed to have dropped off a ledge not too long ago
He probably had to deal with an upheaval of activities, inside FiMFiction and out.
Meh, I don't want to stretch my brain further out trying to discover unknown mysteries at this point. He still did a good job with assisting in the first few chapters.
4280090 your story has been approve by, INCREDIBLE STORIES!
So... whats so impressive about him doing basic telekinesis? Isn't that something most every unicorn can do as well? I feel like I missed something.
2 Words
"Duh" And "Fuck?"
It's supposed to be "Was for the best....".
4681411
I'm with ya man