• Published 29th Feb 2012
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The Legend Of Star Swirl The Bearded - Blueshift



What is the secret story behind the most legendary pony wizard of all time?

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Chapter 7 - The Bowl of Plenty

“Show me the way to go home!”

The quiet of the cool night was shattered by the tuneless, slightly inebriated singing that echoed up from the mighty bridge connecting the city’s principle castle to the nearby mountaintops. It was said that in the days before time began, giants walked the land. They had built a city upon the mountains, connected via an intricate series of walkways, a marvel of engineering fit for gods.

“I’m tired and I want to go to bed!”

Yes, they said that giants once walked the land. Now, however, there was just a tipsy Star Swirl, swaying across the dangerously thin bridge and being followed by an rather nervous unicorn.

“If you want to go home, sir – Star Swirl,” Clover squeaked out as she raced after her new employer, “then the castle is behind us!” She did her best to not stumble and trip on her already-ripped dress, but it was without success. She snagged a corner on her forehoof sending her head over heels and landing on the cold stone ground with a thump.

“Whoa there, filly!” Star Swirl stopped her crooning as she turned towards the fallen Clover, having half-forgotten the pony had even been following her. An evening of free drink, food, and more drink as a guest of the king himself had taken its toll, but for some reason none of the wizards or ambassadors of the court had much enthusiasm for her plan for a “bar crawl” once the evening drew to an end. Only Clover had followed her into the dark, and that was more out of duty than any desire to join Star Swirl in an all-night drinking session.

Star Swirl adjusted her fake beard and staggered in Clover’s direction, offering the small green pony a helping hoof to stand. She was surprisingly cold, Star Swirl noted, briefly considering offering her protégé her cloak before deciding that such behaviour was unbecoming of a master unicorn mage, even if she wasn’t a real unicorn. “C’mon Clover,” she mumbled with a slur. “This’ll be great fun, just the two of us together, having a laugh!” She blinked her eyes and attempted to steady her vision. “Now stop messing around and get back into focus.”

Clover gulped hard as she brushed her dress down. It was bad enough that it was dirty and torn, but a night on the town would surely destroy it. If Star Swirl, the greatest unicorn mage in the world, wanted her to go out though, she should go out. After all, maybe it was some clever test. Elderly wise unicorn mages tested their students all the time, didn’t they? “I’m sorry,” Clover whispered softly,

“That’s better!” Star Swirl waited until the world stopped swimming in front of her, and turned to view the mountaintops that housed the rest of the city of Unicornia. The mountains were beautiful; the lights of the city looking like fairy lights adorning the mountainsides, twinkling away in the darkness. Star Swirl let a grin creep across her face as she felt the weighty money pouch at her side, and the memories of even more gold piled up in her lodgings. All she needed to do was to keep her head down, collect more gold from the gullible unicorns, and then make her escape.

Getting completely sloshed wouldn’t help in any of the above, but then again, such things seem like a good idea at the time.

“Okay, Clover,” she exclaimed as she began to stride across the bridge again. “Show me the nightlife of Unicornia! The best drinking establishments money can buy! You used to be a student here, you should know all kinds of places.”

Clover started to stumble after Star Swirl again. Star Swirl was surprisingly fast, and Clover found herself quickly out of breath. It was as if Star Swirl was being propelled towards the promise of alcohol by supernatural forces. “I-I don’t know!” she quivered. “I never really went out, I’d stay in my bunk studying all night.”

At this revelation, Star Swirl stopped and stared hard at Clover. “What? But you failed your exams! What was the poin-” Clover’s face crumpled and she began to sob, Star Swirl immediately halting her ‘witty’ retort and giving Clover an awkward hug.

“Hey, Clover, no.” She offered up a corner of Clover’s dress for the unicorn to blow her nose on. Clover compiled. “Don’t cry, what I meant to say was…” She paused, searching for the words. “All your… diligence was all for a purpose. You’re with the great Star Swirl the Bearded now, you’ve made it!”

Clover’s face was upsettingly red as she stopped sniffling and wiped away the last of the sudden onslaught of tears. “T-thanks,” she mumbled. “Y-you’re too good to me.”

Star Swirl eyed the expensive necklace around Clover’s neck. Perhaps Clover would get so drunk tonight that she’d ‘lose’ it. “Yes, Clover, yes I am,” she replied, before swirling her long cloak around in what she hoped was an impressive display. “Now, let’s get to the town, this bridge is rather… dangerous.”

“No it’s not!” Clover seemed to take this opportunity to go mad; her previous tears forgotten as she raced over to the edge of the stone bridge and launch herself over the edge in one swift motion.

Star Swirl didn’t even have a chance to cry out as Clover vanished from view, clearly plummeting to her death. Swallowing hard, she sidled up to the edge of the bridge, forcing herself closer and closer. Star Swirl had never been good with heights, and the thought of a several thousand foot drop filled her with special dread. Falling for so long, knowing that you would hit the bottom and die at any moment but being unable to do anything about it…

Hooking her hooves against the edge of the bridge as securely as she could, she peered over the side, expecting to see Clover falling in terror. Instead she was met by Clover’s face as it slowly bobbed up, a silly grin plastered upon it.

Star Swirl leapt back in shock, mouth agape. Clover was slowly rising from the edge of the bridge, her hooves encased in a shimmering sparkling light. Had she been tricked? Was Clover really a powerful unicorn mage who had gone undercover to expose her lies? “B-but…” she gasped, her mouth flapping open and closed uselessly.

“It’s a magic bridge!” Clover exclaimed giddily as she finally rose high enough to step back onto the surface of the bridge. “The stones were treated by a magical spell, you can’t fall off because it’ll catch you! I thought you’d know that!” Her voice became a whisper. “Unless it was a test? Was it a test? Did I pass?”

Star Swirl looked back and forth across the length of the mighty stone bridge that seemed so fragile as it connected the castle to the nearest mountain peak. Of course it would be magical, anything else would be suicide. “Yes. Yes, it was a test. Well done, Clover,” she grunted in an attempt to regain her composure, marching confidently up to the edge of the bridge and staring down at the dizzying black drop beneath. She started to step out into the void, eager to test the bridge herself.

“I even know how it works!” Clover continued excitedly. “It uses the innate magical ability of the unicorn who is falling to catch them and create a magical field!”

Star Swirl instantly snatched her hoof back and made a retreat to the safety of the middle of the walkway, shaking slightly. “Yes, well,” she coughed. “No time for that now. Let’s find somewhere scuzzy!”


***


The bridge opened onto one of the most bustling streets Star Swirl had ever seen. Despite the late hour, the shop-fronts were brightly lit and unicorns of all shapes and sizes were out enjoying the atmosphere. There were theatres and opera houses, expensive dress shops, even actors on the streets playing out classical tragedies.

Star Swirl gazed about at the noise and colour, unsure of where to begin and only barely noticing the small body of Clover as it pressed against her in nervous terror. Eventually, Star Swirl’s eyes alighted on a promising-looking sign. “Wine Bar.” She peered through the windows, seeing a plush room filled with well-dressed unicorn gentry laughing merrily as they sipped expensive wine and listened politely to the tinklings of a nearby piano. It didn’t look like much fun.

“No no,” Star Swirl shook her head. “That won’t do at all.”

For the next half hour, Star Swirl and Clover descended down the winding streets as they travelled down the mountainside. The lower they travelled, the darker and less ornate the streets became, and the grimier things looked. It seemed to Star Swirl that the unicorn society was very segregated: the rich, posh unicorns lived at the tops of the mountains and enjoyed the fine life, while the lower classes were forced to live further down the mountain and closer to the ground. Every few hundred feet they’d pass another packed bar, and Star Swirl would peek in at the window and pass her judgement, considering most of these places “too stuck up,” or “not scuzzy enough.”

Finally, Star Swirl found a bar that pleased her.

“Star Swirl!” Clover started to hyperventilate slightly, hiding behind her mentor as the noise and smell of the bar hit her like a smack to the face. There was no style or elegance to the décor; all of the wooden tables and chairs seemed to be thrown together from whatever was lying about. Some of them even had all of their legs. The bar’s patrons were a world away from the posh unicorns they’d seen in the wine bar: grizzled ponies covered in scars with chipped horns, swigging down the contents of dirty glasses. “Star Swirl!” She tugged nervously on Star Swirl’s robes. “This looks…”

“…Amazing, yes, I know!” Star Swirl’s eyes were bright as she stormed confidently into the bar. “This is what I’m talking about, Clover, good honest drinking with the salt of the earth! Look at this place. ‘The Watering Hole’. I bet they call it ‘The Hole’!”

Clover shuffled after Star Swirl closely in the hope that her mentor would protect her, wide eyes staring in terror at the bar. “Star Swirl,” she hissed urgently. “There’s earth ponies here!” She shrank back even more against Star Swirl, if that was even possible.

Mixed in with the drinking unicorns were tables of earth ponies, hunched over their own drinks and muttering to themselves in quiet enclaves. They were probably, Star Swirl considered, earth pony traders who came to Unicornia to peddle their wares. They would need somewhere to stay after all, and where better than what passed for the gutter of Unicornia. The presence of fellow earth ponies bolstered her already-booming confidence.

“Barkeep!” Star Swirl barked out, letting her robe curl about her for effect as she pounded on the bar. A grimy unicorn with an eye-patch stared back at her. Star Swirl suddenly felt a bit silly standing there in her home-made wizard’s hat and cape. She cleared her throat. “Greetings, I am–”

“I know who you are!” The unicorn barkeeper grumbled, waving a dirty rag over a rack of glasses. “Star Swirl the Bearded, killer of half of Goatlandia’s army.” He leaned forwards, conspiratorially. “The whole city’s talking about you. Brave move, coming down here. There’s plenty of goats who curse your name.”

Star Swirl looked about herself briefly. There were no goats in the room; in fact she’d not seen any goats apart from the Goatlandian ambassador, and he was assumedly back in the castle. She seemed to be safe from revenge for her imaginary one-pony crusade against the Goatlandian empire. “I think I’ll be fine,” she winked. “If not, I’ll just have to explode any goat who tries anything.” Reaching into her pouch, she fished about until she found a silver coin and slammed it onto the counter. “Give me two pints of hard cider, the sort with extra floaty bits, no antifreeze.” She looked across at Clover, who was currently sitting stock still, frozen in fear. “And two quarter-measures for the kid.” She started trotting towards the nearest table that looked vaguely level. “Bring them over, Clover!”

Clover stared in confusion as the barkeeper slammed four glasses, two large and two small, down onto a tray in front of her. The liquid inside looked suspiciously cloudy. “Star Swirl?” She picked the tray up in a weak sparkle of magic and shakily carried it over to the table. “Why are there four glasses? Are we meeting someone?”

Star Swirl simply grinned and doled out the drinks: the two large glasses to her, and the two tiny ones to Clover. “Not at all, Clover, I just thought we’d start the evening with a friendly wager! A contest, as it were! We have a drinking race, the last one to finish their drinks has to buy the drinks for the rest of the night!”

Clover shuffled uncomfortably on her wobbly chair, looking glumly at the two tiny drinks in front of her. “I don’t know, Star Swirl…” she mumbled. “I don’t really drink much, and I don’t have any money.”

“Look at my glasses, they’re huge! You’ll definitely win!” Star Swirl motioned to her large, overflowing glasses. “Besides, if by some small impossible chance you happen to lose, then I’m sure we can work something out. Start a tab, as it were.” Star Swirl’s eyes were drawn towards Clover’s necklace again, wondering exactly how indebted she’d need to get Clover in order to convince the naive pony to hand it over.

Clover began another round of protests, but Star Swirl shushed her. “I won’t take no for an answer. Right, the rules are that the first to finish both their drinks is the winner. We’re not allowed to touch each other’s glasses, and since my drinks are bigger, I get a head start. Got it?” It was an old trick, one that never failed to work on those who didn’t know how it worked. The mark would usually be bowled over by the simplicity of the task, and take it slowly to savour the victory. All Star Swirl needed to do was to down her first pint then place the glass over her opponent’s second glass. As the rules stated they couldn’t touch her glass, they’d be powerless to reach their drink, and Star Swirl would get a full night’s worth of booze for free. It never failed.

“You’ll use a force field!” Clover squeaked back at Star Swirl. “I know I’m no good at magic, there’s no need to rub it in!”

Star Swirl frowned. “I won’t use a force field, Clover. In fact, no magic at all. All magic is banned!” As Clover spluttered a protest, she added, “Unless you use magic to lift your drink, of course. But I won’t, because I’m too wise to use magic in such a frivolous way.”

“Okay,” Clover whispered, a determined look moving across her face as she readied herself. “Let’s do it!”

“Three, two, one, go!” Star Swirl snapped, immediately grabbing her first glass in her hooves and gulping it down. The cider was cool and had plenty of lumps in it, with the pleasant sensation of being kicked hard in the head. Good stuff. With a slight effort she chugged the last of the drink down her throat and slammed the glass down, wiping her mouth as she gasped for air.

Timing was all-important. She moved to place the glass over Clover’s, and paused in confusion. Both Clover’s glasses were still full. “Hey, Clover, you can start, you know!” she exclaimed.

Thwip’. Clover leant her face over one of the glasses and took a tiny sip. The level of liquid in the tiny glass barely moved. “I am, I am!” she gasped, almost as out of breath as Star Swirl was. “I’m drinking as fast as I can!”

Star Swirl slowly placed her empty glass down and watched Clover drink with a terrible fascination. Clover seemed to be struggling quite a bit; Star Swirl probably didn’t even need to cheat to win this one. She silently drank her remaining pint as Clover spluttered into her little glass.

“I give up, I give up!” Clover pushed her drink away in despair. “You win, Star Swirl, I’m useless.” Her eyes started to water again as she trembled against the table. “I don’t deserve to be your pupil!” she croaked out.

“I…” Star Swirl tried to process her worryingly easy victory. It was no fun if your opponent crumbled with all the grace of an injured kitten, but still, money was money. “I’ll put it on your tab…” she replied somewhat awkwardly as Clover burst into tears again, the noise catching the attention of some of the bar’s rougher-looking inhabitants. “Clover!” she hissed, leaning forwards. “It was only a little bit of fun, don’t make a scene over it!”

“No, no, you don’t understand!” Clover snivelled, retreating into the remains of her dress. “I’m not like you, Star Swirl! I’m not clever or brave, I’m not a hero! I don’t deserve to be taught by you! I’m a filthy liar!” She threw her head onto the table, Star Swirl having to act quickly to save the complementary bowl of peanuts from Clover’s forehead. “I’ve been living a lie!” she cried out, as loud as she could.

Star Swirl shook her head quickly to dismiss the effects of the hastily imbibed alcohol as she squinted at Clover. It didn’t look like she was wearing any sort of fake beard, which was how the itinerary of lies throughout Unicornia had been progressing thus far. “I’m sure…” she started, slightly uncomfortable both at the looks they were receiving from the other patrons and the pathetic appearance of the crying Clover. “I’m sure it’s not that bad…”

“It is, it is, it’s the worst thing in the world!” Clover bit her lip, eyes downcast as she stumbled over her sentences, swatting a hoof at her cheeks to dab away the worst of the tears. “I… I…” She stopped, swallowing hard in determination. “I lied to my parents!” she blurted out. “I… I told them I passed all my exams, that I didn’t fail my studies! T-they think I did really well a-and got an important job in the castle and they keep writing to tell me how proud they are, and all along I’m just a cleaner!” She turned her head away in shame, voice lowered even further. “A-and I’ve not seen them for a year. T-they think I’m just too busy, but if I see them I know I’d start crying and never stop and then they’d hate me for lying.” She bowed her head before Star Swirl. “And that’s why I can’t be your student, Star Swirl. Because I’m a liar.”

Star Swirl stared at Clover for a moment, before laughing heartily and thumping the table several times. As Clover started back in shock, Star Swirl decided to dial back the merriment slightly. “Clover, is that all?” She rolled her eyes.

“But I lied to them!” Clover protested. “To my parents! That’s the worst thing anypony could do! All because I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me!”

“That’s a white lie, Clover. You had the best of intentions, I’m sure.” Star Swirl idly chomped down a few peanuts from the bowl and pushed it in Clover’s direction. “And now you’re a student of the great Star Swirl the Bearded. You’ve made it, Clover! You’re not living a lie anymore, it’s the truth!”

“But… but…” Clover looked down at the bowl of nuts as if they were about to leap up and bite her, pushing them back to Star Swirl. “But the ends don’t justify the means! I still did it!”

“Sometimes, Clover, lies can be good. It’s not all black and white.” Star Swirl waved a hoof in the air. “A white lie can make someone feel better about themselves; for example, Clover, you look really quite pretty.”

“R-really?” Clover’s eyes bulged and she turned bright red. “T-thank you Star Swirl.”

There was an awkward silence between the two as Star Swirl searched for an appropriate response, mentally noting that Clover obviously couldn’t handle sarcasm. “Yes, Clover,” she finally said. “I really think that. Now,” she continued, eager to change the conversation, “perhaps you should write to your parents and tell them the truth, but–“ She raised a hoof to silence any prospective protestations “–you should tell them now they can be proud of you, because you’re the apprentice of the greatest unicorn of all time!” She puffed out her chest, revelling in her self-aggrandisation. “Me,” she added quickly, in case there was any doubt. Of course, there was always the chance that Clover’s parents were unwittingly be sitting on more treasure such as the necklace they had given Clover, and that they might be willing to give such trinkets to the great wizard who had saved their daughter from a life of shame and misery. Until such time when Star Swirl eventually did a runner with all her ill-gotten gains, of course.

“I guess…” Clover considered this proposition carefully. “But what if they don’t–”

“They love you, Clover, of course they do.” Star Swirl gave her most genuine smile. It wasn’t hard, Clover reminded Star Swirl of a little kitten mewling for its mother. “You’re their daughter, they want to be proud of you no matter what you do! They sent you all the way to the city to study magic with just the Junior Encyclopaedia of Magic and a worthless trinket – ” she idly motioned to the golden necklace around Clover’s neck “–and so of course you lied to protect their feelings that you hadn’t done as… well as they expected. But look at you now, about to become a master wizard! How proud they’re going to be!”

Clover’s little face lit up. “T-they are, aren’t they? I’m so lucky to have met you, Star Swirl!”

Star Swirl gave an insincere smile and leant back in her chair, which wobbled alarmingly. “Trust me, Clover, I’ll change your life!” She settled down snugly, waving at the barkeeper to bring more drinks as she grew more complacent in her role of wise unicorn wizard. “You know, Clover, you’re lucky that you’ve got the chance to make amends with your parents. I never knew mine.”

Clover’s mouth hung open. “One of the guards at the castle said that you were born out of a flying rainbow-coloured egg that descended out of a sunbeam. Is that true then?”

Star Swirl gawped at this for a moment, tempted to reply in the affirmative before deciding that in this case, honestly might be the best policy. “No,” she replied with a laugh. “No, my parents both died when I was really young. I was brought up by my grandfather.” She smiled, closing her eyes as she lost herself in her memories. “He was like a mother and father to me; a magnificent stallion, a complete role model! He taught me everything I know!”

“Magic?” Clover squeaked.

Star Swirl shrugged, searching for the right words. “Well, how to make things disappear, mostly.” She leaned forwards, casting her gaze around to ensure they weren’t being overheard. “But the thing is, Clover, we had a big falling out and I never made up with him before it’s too late. Clear the air while you still can, or it’ll eat you up.” Looking at Clover, it didn’t seem like it would take much to eat her up.

“What happened?” Clover whispered back, suddenly feeling not so alone after all.

“Ah, despite everything, he was an old-fashioned pony.” Star Swirl let herself sigh wistfully. “He didn’t approve of some of my more… modern excesses. Thought I should stop messing about with mares and settle down, marry a good stallion.”

Clover squealed in scandalised shock. “That’s horrible!” she exclaimed. “Sorry, Star Swirl, but what a terrible pony he was!”

Star Swirl frowned. “Well I…” she faltered, caught off-guard by Clover’s slightly extreme reaction. “I mean he was pretty traditional, you can see his point…”

“Trying to force you, a stallion, to marry another stallion!” Clover clapped a hoof over her mouth. “He must have been crazy, Star Swirl! And that was the tradition where you grew up? You were lucky to escape!”

Star Swirl glanced down at her fake beard, slightly mortified at the route the conversation had taken. “Ah. Yes. He tried to force me into gay marriage. Yes. That’s exactly what happened. That’s why I ran away to become a wizard.” She coughed loudly; obviously the drinking had made her lower her guard slightly more than anticipated, she’d have to be more careful with what she said in future. “Anyway, Clover!” She waved over to the bar upon which now sat fresh drinks; apparently table service was not on the menu. “If you wouldn’t mind…”

As Clover dutifully trudged away to pick up the drinks, Star Swirl gave a sigh of relief, munched on some more nuts and took in the atmosphere of the bar. The air was a roar of noise as ponies huddled around tables talking, drinking and doing deals. It was the sort of place she enjoyed hanging about in: honest. Not that the ponies there were honest by any means, but because you knew that you couldn’t trust anyone. In the more upmarket establishments, everyone tried so hard to be nice with their fake smiles that it was difficult to work out who you really could trust. In a place where ponies were open in their dishonesty, there were far less head games to worry about.

The earth pony traders and the unicorns seemed to keep themselves to themselves, not mingling at all. There were more than a few dark glances shot across the room, but that was the price to pay if the only bar you could afford to drink in was the dingiest in the city. A table across from her, two unicorns sat, staring into each other’s eyes and shifting uncomfortably every so often. ‘Probably having an affair’ Star Swirl thought with a wry grin. A particularly rough table full of unicorns was having a loud card game at the other end of the room; from her position, Star Swirl could guess which ones were cheating, their stance and actions all too familiar to her.

Behind her sat two earth pony traders, looking slightly out of place in their more up-market finery. She imagined that earth ponies staying in Unicornia didn’t have many options when it came to nights out, though this wasn’t a theory she wanted to test herself. She craned her neck around in the most nonchalant way possible, pricking her ears up as she listened in to their conversation. As she did so, her eyes narrowed.

“…And then I ended up with a load of lemon grass, you know the sort! Cheap stuff; can’t get rid of it!” One of the ponies, a big red earth pony wearing a gaudy hat slammed a hoof down on the table. “Been trying to sell it at three bits a kilo for ages without luck. So I put an advert in a paper in Detrot under a fake name, sayin’ I’d buy lemon grass at six bits a kilo! Within days some dozy mare wrote a letter to my fake name sayin’ she’d supply the lemon grass at six bits, and a letter to me sayin’ she’d buy all me lemon grass at three bits!”

His companion, a thin, gaunt green pony, shrugged. “So you’re buying your own lemon grass, Spare Part?” he ventured hesitantly.

“No no,” Spare Parts smirked. “I’m letting her buy the lemon grass off me, and then never turning up in Detrot! Dumb mare will be left with a load of grass she can’t sell, and I’ll be livin’ it large!” He patted the hefty purse that hung securely around his neck while his colleague nodded appreciatively.

Star Swirl sat stock still in a frozen trance as she processed the information. That was her! They were talking about her! She had planned to make the lemon grass deal, and had been patting herself on the back for being so clever about it all! Of course, there was a chance that this was all a coincidence; the likelihood of running into the lemon grass merchant in Unicornia was quite low, after all. Someone was getting conned though, and that someone could have been Star Swirl. There was a principle at stake!

“Hi, Star Swirl, sorry I was so long, I…” Clover placed another round of drinks on the table as she mumbled her apologies, trailing off as she looked at the silently contemplating Star Swirl. “Sorry, are you meditating on a spell again?”

“Clover!” Star Swirl sprang to life, almost shouting out Clover’s name as she tipped the remaining nuts out of the bowl and lifted it high into the air. “I’m glad you’ve returned, I have something very special to show you, something I’ve been working on for a long, long time!” She was extra loud now, making sure her voice carried over to the earth pony trader’s table. “Do you know what this is, Clover?”

Clover’s eyes boggled as she stared at the bowl. “I-it’s the bowl the nuts–”

“Correct!” Star Swirl bellowed. “It is the Bowl of Plenty! A mysterious artefact which I, Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest of all unicorn mages have carefully constructed.” She placed the bowl down on the table with great care, noting with a smirk that the traders behind her had stopped their conversation to listen. “With this bowl, Clover, I can duplicate any item! Simply place something into the bowl and it is doubled! Fruit! Nuts! Bits of metal! Of course, this is merely a foal’s plaything, I can think of no practical use for it…”

“Greetings!” Clover leapt backwards as the two earth ponies sidled over to the table, the large red one taking the lead and doffing his hat at Star Swirl. “My name is Spare Parts, a humble earth pony trader not fit to sit in the presence of a wizard such as yourself. We couldn’t but help overhear your conversation; I have a keen interest in…” He searched for the word “…trinkets of no appreciable value!”

“Oh well,” Star Swirl shrugged. “I was merely showing off this magical bowl to my apprentice. It’s an experiment, nothing more. I wracked my mind thinking of ways I could use it, but apart from having two bowls of porridge each morning, I couldn’t come up with anything!” Star Swirl gave a laugh and stroked her beard, giving her best impression of being slightly addled. She took a sip from her drink to help in this process.

“But Star Swirl, proper physical object duplication is amazing!” Clover exclaimed in wonderment. “You coul–”

“I know, I know,” Star Swirl loudly interrupted Clover. “I could leave it on my desk full of sweets so I’d never run out, but then I’d probably lose my teeth! No no, quite useless apart from as a curiosity!”

“It can… duplicate anything, you say?” Spare Parts leaned over the bowl, hesitantly tapping it with a hoof. I guess you need to be a unicorn to use it?”

“Not at all, the bowl is magically imbued with spells, and recharges daily under direct sunlight!” Star Swirl snatched the bowl back, tumbling it haphazardly over her hooves as if about to drop it, enjoying the pained look on Spare Part’s face. “Even a goat could use it. Watch!” She placed the bowl on the table, flung a nut inside, covered it with a wicker table mat, and gave it a good shake. “It’s important to shake in order to stimulate the magic,” she added, before putting the bowl down and whipping off the cover. Inside were two nuts.

“That’s amazing!” Spare Parts muttered as he stared at the nuts, touching them to make sure they were real.

“I thought I could solve world hunger, but alas…” Star Swirl slumped her shoulders. “It was expensive enough to construct this bowl; to make something larger would be impossible!”

“But Star Swirl!” Clover started to wave her hooves a bit more urgently now. “Don’t you see? With that bowl you could–” Clover didn’t finish her sentence, as one of her chair legs was mysteriously kicked out from underneath her, and she sprawled backwards onto the bar floor with a thump.

Spare Parts glanced at his colleague and then up and Star Swirl. “Just out of academic interest…” he began, “could this bowl duplicate metal?”

“Oh yes,” Star Swirl happily retorted. “You can duplicate scraps of rusty tin, maybe a nail or two, make yourself another door knob, you can’t have enough of those!”

Spare Parts weighed the purse slung across his neck thoughtfully. “And… just out of interest,” he continued, “would it work on gold?”

Star Swirl shrugged. “I guess so…” she considered, taking a long time to stroke her beard. “I’ve never thought about that. Gold doesn’t really interest me, my concerns are more spiritual.” She pushed the bowl towards Spare Parts. “Try it, if you want, I think the bowl has one more charge left in it today.”

Spare Parts grabbed at the bowl, scarcely able to believe his luck as he greedily shoved a hoof into his purse and pulled out a shiny gold sovereign, throwing it into the bowl. “Now what?” he asked, keeping both hooves on the bowl at all time in case it was a trick.

“Now you cover and shake.” Star Swirl offered the wicker table mat. Spare Parts almost snatched it from her grasp as he placed the mat onto the bowl and shook firmly. Finally, at Star Swirl’s nod, the shaking abated, and Spare Parts whipped away the mat, to gasp in amazement.

Sitting at the bottom of the bowl were two shiny gold sovereigns.

He instantly snatched the coins away and huddled down with his friend, deep in conversation. Star Swirl looked on, feeling a slight pang as she saw the coin – her coin – taken away. It had been easy to affix it to the bottom of the table mat so that a good shake would dislodge it, and it was a necessary sacrifice to buy the pony’s trust, but still... Just a few days ago the thought of giving away a whole gold coin would have been sheer insanity to her. The fact that she could calmly give the coin away was ‘proof’ that the bowl worked though; the earth pony traders could easily just leave at that point and be well up on the deal.

Greed didn’t work that way, however.

“Hey, uh, I’ve come to a decision.” Spare Parts turned from his frenzied whispering and smiled warmly to Star Swirl. “I know it’s just a novelty, but I’m sure the foals back home will have use for it. As a toy, you know. How much do you want for it? Half a bronze piece?”

Star Swirl couldn’t help but smile; he was a cheeky one all right. She dispatched the smile as quickly as it came, and shook her head solemnly. “I’m afraid I could only let it go at cost; building the bowl cost quite a lot.” She looked at Spare Part’s money purse, mentally calculating how much was in there. “Ten gold pieces, no less. I’m sorry, that was what the materials cost to make it; I know that the final product is hardly worth that much!”

She was met by another frantic conversation between the two earth ponies; obviously arguing the merits of such a scheme, and convincing themselves that they could use the magical properties of the bowl to recover the cost in no time. It was perfect. Almost too perfect, as Clover’s head rose from the floor to urgently whisper:

“Star Swirl, Star Swirl, don’t do it, you could use the bowl to duplicate your own go–”

Star Swirl placed a gently but firm hoof upon Clover’s head, and it slowly sunk from view once more.

“It’s a deal!” Spare Parts threw ten beautifully shiny pieces of gold at Star Swirl before grabbing the bowl and hugging it to his chest like a new-born foal. “You’re lucky I’m in such a generous mood, old colt!” He gave a wink to his colleague who struggled to hide his sniggers at their good fortune.

Star Swirl just tipped her hat. “Remember to charge it up in direct sunlight! You can get about three charges a day if you leave it out for an hour. Enjoy!”

Spare Parts licked his lips, stumbling over his chair as he attempted to leave quickly lest anything happen to his enchanted bowl. “Oh, I will!” he cackled as he ran into the night.

The moment the two ponies were gone, Star Swirl released her grip on Clover’s head. Her young apprentice gasped out, crawling gratefully to a sitting position.

“Oh, Clover!” Star Swirl gasped. “Sorry, I didn’t see you down there!”

“Star Swirl, those ponies cheated you!” Clover squealed. “They’re going to use that magic bowl to make gold! You could have used it to make gold instead!”

“Oh sweet, innocent Clover,” Star Swirl chuckled, shaking her head in the wisest way that she could muster. “I care not for ‘gold’. I let them have it, it’s important to help the needy and less fortunate!”

Clover clapped her hooves to her mouth at Star Swirl’s words. “I didn’t realise how selfish I was being, Star Swirl!” she chirped. “You’re right, of course you are! Money doesn’t matter, helping others does!”

“I’m glad you think that,” Star Swirl mumbled as she gulped down the remainder of her drink. “Because you’re buying the next round, remember.” She winked, flicking Clover a bronze piece from her now bulging money pouch. “Don’t worry. You can owe me.”


***


Star Swirl shook her groggy head as she stumbled out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She had chosen the correct one this time, but wished to the gods that she hadn’t. “Clover, you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen in there!”

She stumbled to a halt. The table was as she’d left it; a gigantic pile of her empty glasses sat like trophies alongside Clover’s more modest contribution, evidencing the previous three hours’ worth of drinking. Despite barely touching her drink, Clover was swaying from side to side in her tattered dress. But Star Swirl had left her alone; Clover was now surrounded by half a dozen burly stallions.

“Why, I’d love to go outside and s-sample your cucumbers!” Clover drawled, slumping against one of the beefy unicorn stallions, who grinned to his friend. “T-that’s so nice of you!”

“We’ve all got different cucumbers!” another of the unicorns piped up. “You’ll have to nibble on all of them!”

Star Swirl slunk back slightly. Clover was obviously getting herself into a fair bit of trouble, which meant that it was probably time to make a hasty exit. With a mumbled “sorry, Clover,” she started to edge around the room towards the door. This was particularly difficult as the bar was still quite full, and Star Swirl was quite drunk, causing her to somehow bump into every chair on her way out.

“You guysh are sho nice!” Clover slurred, resting her head against another of the stallions. “I’d love to look at all your cucumbers!”

Star Swirl grimaced with a guilty twang, turning to stare at Clover. The doorway was open behind her, cool air blowing at her mane. She could slink back to the castle and safety; Clover could look after herself. It wasn’t Star Swirl’s problem.

Clover raised a hoof, and then started to fall over. One of the stallions caught her. He seemed to be grinning a bit too widely.

The drink was fogging up Star Swirl’s mind slightly, but she fought through the fuzz as she tried to stay focussed. “It’s not my problem,” she muttered to herself. “Stupid Clover, it’s her own fault for not being able to look after herself.” She could hardly push past the stallions and rescue Clover; they were obviously about to carry her off and have their wicked way with her, there was no way they’d give up without a fight. Star Swirl’s grandfather had always taught her never to start fights, only to finish them. There was also no way one drunken earth pony could possibly take on six large unicorns and win.

“You should meet my friend,” Clover garbled out. “He’sh the bestest and cleverest an- and noblest pony in the world. A-an’ he’sh my besht friend!”

Star Swirl stepped outside.

The largest stallion started to stroke Clover’s mane. “Now,” he purred soothingly, “if we all go outside to our wagon for a little private vegetable sh-”

He didn’t get to finish, as half a metal fencepost impacted on the side of his head, sending him sprawling across the floor. The noise in the bar suddenly cut out as all eyes turned towards the scene. Star Swirl threw the fence post to one side and looked at the five remaining unicorns. “My name is Star Swirl the Bearded!” she bellowed. “And this pony’s coming with me! If you’ve got a problem with that, you can have a word with Mr Table!”

The stallions were slow to react at first, staring at their fallen comrade in confusion. One of them glared at Star Swirl. “Crazy old colt!” he blurted out. “No-one hurts one of us and gets away with it!” His horn started to glow with a turquoise sparkle of magic. “And it’s five against one.”

“Four against one.” Star Swirl turned, using the motion to fling up the wooden table and swing it around at the unicorn’s head. His horn pieced the ancient timbers, sending him stumbling out of control. In the same motion, Star Swirl kicked out with her hind legs to smash the closest unicorn to the ground. Her grandfather had taught her many things. Fighting dirty was one of them.

“Bar fight!” A cry came up from the far end of the room, and suddenly the entire bar erupted in a cacophony of violence as chairs were smashed and glasses shattered. In the ensuing melee of bodies, Star Swirl grabbed Clover and yanked her to the floor away from their attackers. “C’mon, Clover!” she hissed urgently.

Clover lolled about on the ground as she struggled to orient herself. “Wash goin’ on?” she mumbled. “Where’re those nice ponies? Are you going to usesh your magic an’ explode everyone?”

“No, we’re going to shuffle along the floor until we get out of here!” Star Swirl pulled a table over the two for cover, slowly scraping it along the floorboards as glasses impacted on the top, and every so often two ponies rolled over it, locked in mortal combat. Bar fights were fun to start, never fun to stay in, and almost certainly ended up with a good amount of law enforcement being invited along at the end.

Finally, the two ponies stumbled into the cool night air, leaving the noise of the bar brawl behind them, Star Swirl supporting Clover to her feet.

“But they were sho nice,” Clover moaned, looking sadly into the windows as the fight continued. “They shaid they were cucumber saleshponies, raising money for orphans.”

“That’s ridiculous. Clover, you’re too trusting.” Star Swirl put an arm round the smaller pony as she hauled her away from the scene. “They were up to no good; you have to be more cautious, you can’t trust anypony. Apart from me, of course.”

Clover nodded, and the duo staggered away into the night.

Nearby, a bleeding unicorn struggled towards a large cart, upon the side of which read: “CUCUMBERS FOR SALE; ALL PROCEEDS TO THE ORPHAN FOALS SOCIETY.”


***


The trip back to the castle had been uneventful, if slow. Star Swirl didn’t especially enjoy crossing the narrow stone bridge while inebriated, but eventually they had returned to Star Swirl’s lodgings. Clover had seemed quite boisterous and spent an awfully long time clattering about her room.

Star Swirl had spent an awfully long time with her ear pressed to Clover’s door.

When she was sure that Clover had fallen asleep, she gently pushed open the door and stepped quietly into Clover’s little box room. Clover herself was sprawled over her bed snoozing peacefully, having failed to change out of her tattered evening dress which was now covered in dirt and cider stains.

“Oh, Clover,” Star Swirl whispered down, a smile across her lips. “Poor, faithful, trusting Clover.” She leant down across Clover’s prone form, carefully releasing the catch on her necklace and slipping it from her neck, holding it up to the moonlight that poured through the window. The jewel inset in the centre glimmered in an expensive way. “It’s such a shame that you lost the only thing your parents ever gave you while on a drunken night out.”

She could get twenty bags of gold for the necklace easily, perhaps more. A warm glow of satisfaction rose in Star Swirl’s belly, and she begun to idly look over Clover’s desk. Her ‘Junior Encyclopaedia of Magic’ took pride of place, and scattered around it were a pile of letters.

Star Swirl took a closer look, sifting through them one by one. They were all from Clover’s parents; all telling her how proud they were of their little filly, with her amazing job and brilliant degree and apologising for all the times they had called her worthless. She looked back at the happily sleeping Clover, who lay serenely, a smile across her face as she dreamt unknowable dreams. “Enjoy it while it lasts, kid,” she mumbled half-apologetically, fighting back any rogue pangs of guilt as she slipped the necklace into her pouch.

She made to leave, stopping as one final letter caught her eye. This one was half-written, and from the wet ink and blotchy writing, Star Swirl surmised that Clover had attempted to write it before falling asleep. She scanned the spidery scrawl with mild curiosity.


Dear Mum and Dad,

Your little Cloverleaf here. I’m sorry. You were right, I’m a stupid, silly little pony. I lied, I lied about everything. I’m not a clever wizard working as a consultant to the king. I didn’t even pass my exams. For the last year I’ve been a cleaner scrubbing the floors because that’s the best I could do, and maybe that’s where I belong.

But I’ve met a wizard, you might have heard of him. Star Swirl the Bearded. He’s taken me on as his apprentice! He’s amazing! He’s so clever and wise and noble; I want to cry when I think about how awful I am compared to him. I wish I could be like that, but I’m not. Maybe one day though. He’s going to make me a wizard too so you can be proud of me. I’d like to be proud of me.


The letter stopped at this point; Clover seemed to have spilt her pot of ink and given up. Star Swirl read over the letter again, glancing back to Clover’s sleeping frame as she did so. Silently, she crept back to Clover’s side and clipped the necklace back around her neck.

“No,” she whispered. “I’m not the pony you think I am Clover. Sorry.” She gave Clover a soft kiss goodnight on the forehead and left the room.

“But maybe I’m not the pony I think I am, either.”

Comments ( 40 )

1092206

Ask and ye shall receive!

Great Googly Moogly! It LIVES!? :rainbowderp: :pinkiegasp: :twilightoops: :raritystarry: :yay:

1117861

The entire story lives in my head (as do many, many others!). It's just a case of getting them written down!

It's not dead! Hooray!

1117870

Hahaha, I know that feeling. I just wish I could finish one story before moving onto the next. :twilightoops:

Finally! This is one of the best stories. It never ceases to amaze in how outrageous the scams can get without failing. But the personal development is nice too.

Oh, wow, this was worth the wait. I just about bust my sides when Star Swirl talked about how her father wanted her to settle down. :rainbowlaugh: And the Cucumbers! :rainbowlaugh: And then; Dat Character Development at the end. :raritystarry:

Those poor cucumber salesponies, they just wanted to show Clover their cucumbers! :rainbowderp:

This story is great! I can't wait to see how it ends!

XiF

Yay! New chapter, and brilliant as always! :pinkiehappy:

keep on writing, I just joined in on this story and I for one know that I would love to see more.

IT LIIIIIIIIIIVES!
Awesome new chapter! Glad to see this fic is still alive. :twilightsmile:

Ah, and so we reach the long awaited character development.

Once again, an enjoyable chapter. Thank you, Blueshift. :moustache:

Great story, i love it.

Starswirl is too cruel to clover, i love the scams and all that, but not on clover, it is just too cruel.
After saying that i guess i wont have to say that i loved the ending of this chapter.

Phew! I was so affraid Star Swirl was going to take poor little clover's necklace! I feel much better now rooting for Star Swirl. As a con-mare she has to learn the number 1 rule of cons: NEVER, under any circumstances, cheat an honest man! Only cheat those who would never dare call in the authority since it would bring to light their own cons!

Cucumbers for oprhans eh? :trixieshiftright:

Nearby, a bleeding unicorn struggled towards a large cart, upon the side of which read: “CUCUMBERS FOR SALE; ALL PROCEEDS TO THE ORPHAN FOALS SOCIETY.”

and with that you win alllll my internets :moustache:

Glad you are alive. Great work.

There are certain stories that make me miss the old rating system so I could indicate they were extra worthy of approval, beyond a simple up or down, beyond even the average story on my favorite list. This is one of them and I'm glad to see more of it.

*Dances a jig of joy upon seeing this updated* Oh Clover, can't hold your drink, can ya?

Whee! It updated! This story is still hilarious. Star Swirl may want to avoid such seedy bars in the future though, lest he stumbles upon that lemon grass salespony again :rainbowlaugh:

1117997 Well, she had no money anyway... :unsuresweetie:

What is this! Is Star Swirl growing a conscience? :pinkiegasp:

OH MOST WONDERFUL OF DAYS! THIS THING UPDATED! :pinkiegasp:

I love this chapter! Star Swirl is starting to slip out (in more than one way), almost letting drop the fact that she is a... she! And it also seems like she is starting to feel the magic of friendship. :raritywink:

That or she wasn't in full control of herself for being a little tipsy.



Also, this chapter brought me back to Nineteen Neighty-Four, back in that story I commented about how I loved the way you played with people's expectations but not without leaving a little room for some of us to think they might actually be true.

Here we have a group of 5 stallions driving a young mare so she can nibble their cucumbers, with hopes of giving some bits to charity. The most logical reaction is "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going"...

...

What do you mean that isn't a tipical reaction!?

...

...

Oh...kay...

...

THE POINT IS! One expects bad things to happen to Clover, lucky for her Star Swirl came to the rescue, but then it turns out they were actually cucumber salesponies...

Were they?

You see, there is something I find odd about a cart driven by five stallions with a giant sign that says CUCUMBERS FOR SALE; ALL PROCEEDS TO THE ORPHAN FOALS SOCIETY... Somehow I can picture it was next to the FREE CANDY cart, if you know what I mean. :rainbowhuh:

(I have a feeling this wasn't intentional)

Anyway, awesome chapter, awesome story, keep it going! :yay:

What a horrible grandfather! To force Starswirl into gay marriage!

AMAZING! Just a few days ago, I searched through many a story to find if this had been updated (I lost it back when they got rid of story tracking) and was saddened when I discovered there was no progress made since then. Then, TWO days after re-discovering it, it gets an update. I have SO much happy right now, let me give you some. :pinkiehappy:

This interpretation is now a lense that I cannot help but to apply to all other Starswirl fics I read. It makes the serious ones very interesting.:trixieshiftright:

Oh!:pinkiegasp: I didn't think this would get another chapter, ever! Thanks!:pinkiehappy:

MORE! :flutterrage:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

If I could reach across the Atlantic, I would start whipping you until you finished this story.

WHY IS THERE NO MORE

BLUESHIFT WAT U DONG

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

1598158
DISREGARD XCOM

ACQUIRE STAR SWIRL

1117775 Chapter eight, then?

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Holy butts why haven't you finished this amazing piece of amazing. D:

How us this not getting more traction? How is there only a single page of comments? why has this not even been commented on for over a year?

I get that the headcanon to it is so thoroughly defunct, both against fandom and official, but I really feel like the story more than makes up for it.

So I'm guessing cancelled? Or put on hiatus?

4321106
It's not like the story couldn't easily incorporate Starswirl's canon accomplishments by having the main character steal credit for things.

So yes, it is a tragedy that it hasn't updated in so long, because this is hilarious, but also touching.

Isn't this story about ready to be canceled?:twilightblush:

I mean is being over 30 months since last update.:twilightoops:

~Leonzilla

Any chance of this being resumed? It's been on my favorites list for...a couple years now.

I seem to recall that Starswirl was getting some character development and growing as a pony.

Also, I like your Starswirl more than the canon one.

Please continue this, or check out mine (for ideas or whatever)...
Star Swirl
(It's also sad to note that mine is way much more far longer than yours, and I'm still not yet done but mine is only taking like a month or two or more, yours is years at this point.)

So should we consider this canceled/hiatused?

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