Straight Answers

by Rebonack

Wherein Twilight Sparkle Makes a Conclusion

The purpose of science is to come to a better understanding of the cosmos through approximations of reality. Observe a phenomena, compile data, create a working model, and then make predictions. If those predictions prove accurate? Good. If not? Modify the model. If a new model arises that predicts more accurately and elegantly? Replace the old model.

Science is logical, rational, and above all else predictable.

Science was the foundation of Twilight Sparkle's picture of reality. The rock upon which she stood when the tides of uncertainty and unknown rose around her.

This wasn't the first time she had dove headlong into the mysteries surrounding Pinkie. No, far from it. And the more she learned the more she was certain that there was just some small missing bit of the puzzle that eluded her. Some cog in the model of Pinkie's seeming impossibility that, if fit into the proper place, would set the whole humming harmoniously in a way that Twilight could grasp.

Then she sat down with Pinkie there in the middle of Berry's bar and began talking candidly in hushed tones.

And now? Twilight found herself treading water in a fathomless ocean of unknown, trying desperately to gulp precious lungfuls of rational thought, and fighting against an unseen current threatening to pull her down. She wasn't sure how long she would last.

To say that she was overwhelmed would be a monumental understatement.

“Wow Pinkie... That's...” Twilight shook her head as though the motion might dislodge the stray motes of madness chewing at the corners of her mind. “I don't know what to say.”

Pinkie smiled one of her signature Pinkie smiles, but there was some inkling of sorrow in those bright blue eyes. The usual innocence and naivety was replaced with profound understanding of just how grave the situation truly was. Likely more grave than Twilight even began to comprehend.

After all, Twilight had requested their chat stick only to the barest of basics.

“You don't need to say anything, Twilight,” Pinkie replied with her Pinkie-and-yet-not-very-Pinkie smile. “This is why I don't like bringing it up to ponies. I like just being silly old Pinkie Pie. That's easy. When I'm more than just silly old Pinkie Pie everypony gets really quiet and uncomfortable.”

Pinkie rubbed her hooves together awkwardly. Twilight offered her best encouraging smile.

“Ever since those stars burned I've been feeling kind of glum and I thought maybe being silly would cheer me up! But instead it just made everypony else get all itchy in the brain. I guess a little bit of brain itches are easy for ponies to ignore, but too many and ponies get worried,” Pinkie sighed. “I should have known better. Now I think Dashie might be afraid of me. I don't like it when ponies are afraid...”

Twilight reached out a hoof to place it over Pinkie's own. “Come on Pinkie, I'm sure that Rainbow will get over it. This is... This is just a lot to take in all at once. Just because you're a-”

“Eldritch abomination!” Berry Punch yelled from behind the counter.

Twilight shot the earth pony a disapproving look.

“Things like her don't belong in the Waking World. As long as she's here, she's eroding reality,” Berry insisted. “She should be sent back beyond the veil where she belongs. And the alicorn of magic should be plenty strong enough to send her away.”

Pinkie averted her eyes and began playing with her hooves again.

Twilight ground her teeth. “Listen, Berry. I really don't care what you think about Pinkie. She's my friend. And a friend to nearly every pony in Ponyville. Notwithstanding the fact that she's one of the Elements of Harmony! Somehow I have trouble believing that one of the most powerful magical forces of good in the whole world would pick something inherently evil to bind to. Harmony, Berry. Don't you get it? If Pinkie's heart didn't reflect an aspect of Harmony there's no way she could have ever used the Element of Laughter!”

Berry Punch stared at Twilight in silence for but a moment before turning her attention to the shot glass in front of her.

“Don't worry about her, Pinkie,” Twilight insisted. “Just because you're a-”

“Ghost!” Spike hollered as he crashed through the front door of the bar. “I saw a ghost at the library! I think it was-” The young dragon froze as soon as he spotted a certain pink pony. “P-P-Pinkie Pie!”

His stuttering squeal of fight uttered, Spike dove under a nearby table for cover.

Rarity trotted in shortly there after. “Twilight, dear, I found little Spikey Wikey cowering in a corner of the library and I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on this whole situation.” She spared a glance at the once-again cowering dragon. “Spike, huddling up in fright is not at all becoming for a gentlestallion such as yourself. Do try to be more dignified. And I doubt Pinkie intends to do any further haunting?”

Rarity flashed Pinkie an appraising look. Pinkie smiled awkwardly.

“Hey Spike? Why are hiding under that table?” Pinkie asked curiously.

“You're a ghost! What if you do scary ghost stuff at me?” Spike retorted.

“How would a table stop something like that?” Pinkie continued.

Spike opened his mouth only to quickly close it again. “Huh. I guess that doesn't make very much sense, does it? You're not going to scare me though, are you?”

“Being scared is only fun if you're scared sometimes in a fun way! Being afraid all the time isn't any fun at all,” Pinkie said. The smile she smiled that time was a little more up to par with her usual offerings of good cheer.

“Right, right... friendly ghost,” Spike muttered. “Oh! I almost forgot! According to the books only evil ghosts are repelled by salt! So if Pinkie is a friendly famine spirit that explains why she can bake! Score another point for Spike's theory.”

Twilight was about to reply with her usual incredulity regarding the 'ghost conjecture' but Pinkie butted in. “Silly! That isn't the reason why I can bake! I can bake because I get lots of practice.”

This was quickly becoming a circus. But then most everything that involved Pinkie tended to become a circus. Twilight gave her eyes a good-natured roll. “Based on what Pinkie told me I'll admit that it's possible she's a ghost, but I really doubt that's the case. Ghosts still aren't real, Spike.”

“They aren't?” Pinkie asked curiously, giving her eyes a quick flutter.

“No Pinkie, they aren't.”

“Aaww... I guess I'll have to pick something else to be for Nightmare Night, then,” she groused.

Twilight laughed. “Pinkie, I'm sure nopony would mind if you go as whatever you like. After all, you-”

“Are a cartoon!” Sweetie squeaked as she came galloping in through the bar's door. She stopped suddenly only a few paces in, much to the surprise of her two friends. In the blink of an eye everypony present was treated to the sight of a three pony pileup in the middle of the floor.

“Sweetie! You weren't supposed to stop when you made the big announcement!” Scootaloo grumbled as she tried (and failed) to disentangle herself from Sweetie's poofy tail.

“Yeah, we rehearsed it and everythin'!” Applebloom added. “Now our whole musical number is ruined!”

“Would anypony mind explainin' to me what's goin' on here?” Applejack huffed as she trotted inside behind the trio of presently discombobulated fillies. “These three have been nothin' but a bushel of trouble all day. Even bigger bushel of trouble than usual.”

“Sorry, Applejack. I think that's mostly my fault,” Twilight admitted. “The girls caught wind that I was researching Pinkie again and somehow got it into their heads that the whole world is a cartoon.”

“It's the most logical explanation!” Sweetie insisted.

“Well shoot, sugar cube. That's what all this fuss is over? Anypony who ain't touched in the head can tell Pinkie ain't a normal earth pony. But Pinkie is as Pinkie does. There ain't no reason to get all consternated over it,” Applejack laughed.

“I'm pretty sure 'consternated' isn't a word, Applejack,” Twilight felt compelled to point out. “And I think you're right. Pinkie hasn't given me all the details, but-”

“Wait wait wait, are you tellin' me that Pinkie actually gave you a straight up, honest answer when you asked about her tomfoolery?” AJ asked curiously.

“Well, yes. Not enough to give me a complete picture though. That was at my own insistence,” Twilight explained. “But still enough to allow me to infer-”

“Hooee!” Applejack whinnied. “I never did think I'd see the day where Pinkie would give a straight answer about that nonsense. I know I asked more than once, but Pinkie made it pretty clear she didn't feel like talkin' about it none. And I know better than to go stickin' my nose into other pony's business.” She glanced at Pinkie and offered a grin. “Is this all out in the open, Pinkie? You mind Twilight gabbin' to the other girls about it?”

“Yep to the first one, nope to the second! I told her it's okay. If Dashie knows I guess it's okay if everypony else finds out, too,” Pinkie said, doing her best to maintain positive appearances. “Twilight thinks it'll just take everypony a little while to get use to it, then everything will be back to normal! Except for the confusion part, that won't be back to normal since everypony will know why I do silly things all the time even when the silly things aren't something that a pony should be able to do like hanging off skyhooks or appearing inside shrubs or breaking causality by knowing about things before they happen or jumping out of mailboxes or stretching out to give everypony a group hug!”

Pinkie reached out with her front hooves and yanked everypony over to herself for an impossible embrace, Berry Punch included. There was much laughter as a result, though Berry seemed somewhat uncomfortable. Considering her personal stance on Pinkie's nature that probably wasn't much of a surprise.

“Well I wouldn't mind hearin' about this myself,” Applejack said. “What did Pinkie tell you, Twilight?”

“I've been trying to say. But every time I'm about to explain that Pinkie's a-”

“Draconequus!” Fluttershy exclaimed in her loudest and most attention grabbing of voices. Or at least the loudest voice she could muster when she wasn't angry. Which is to say, not very loud at all. “Pinkie told me! Or at least... I think she told me. Don't hate her just because she's a chaos spirit! Pinkie is a nice chaos spirit! And I'm sure Discord can be just as nice as her some day and... umm... now everypony is looking at me...” The pegasus' impassioned speech quickly lost momentum and ended with a mumbled muddle.

Twilight face-hoofed. Sometimes she wondered if there was some cosmic force of comedy that made sport of rendering their lives needlessly difficult. It would certainly explain quite a bit. Once this mess was over she would have to chat with Pinkie about that subject. Hopefully she would still feel like being forthcoming about the mysteries of the cosmos.

“Is that the last interruption? Anypony?” Twilight huffed. “Anypony at all?

Applebloom raised a hoof.

“Yes?” Twilight deadpanned.

“What I don't get is how Pinkie can be a draconequus if she's a cartoon,” the little earth filly said.

“She's not a cartoon, that's ridiculous,” Spike pointed out. “Obviously she's a ghost.”

“She's a monster from beyond the spheres of space and time and she'll doom us all!” Berry shouted whilst flailing her hooves above her head.

“Umm... I thought she was a draconequus... but maybe I was wrong?” Fluttershy offered.

Twilight pressed her hooves down over her ears as her friends began to argue amongst themselves over which answer was the right answer. Everypony thought they had the best evidence and nopony was willing to back down from their position. Voices got louder and arguments more embroiled by the moment!

Pinkie sat off to the side munching on hooffuls of popcorn from a bucket. Rainbow Dash saddled up along side her. For a time the pegasus simply sat in silence while their friends debated the true nature of the mare sitting a few feet away from them.

“Hey, Pinkie?”

“Yeah, Dashie?” Pinkie replied.

“This is kind of silly.”

“Yeah, it is,” Pinkie agreed. She peered down into her popcorn bucket with a disappointed frown. “I mean, who fixes popcorn without any butter or salt? That's just bland and boring!”

“I mean the arguing, Pinkie. Do... do you want me to just tell them?”

“Nah. I should do that. Or let Twilight say what she wants to say first. She's starting to do that thing where one of her ears starts getting floppy and one of her eyes gets twitchy,” Pinkie observed. “I think she'll feel better if she gets to explain something to somepony.”

“I'm still your friend, Pinkie.”

“I know, Dashie.”

“It's just... heh... they don't really train anypony how to handle a surprise like this at flight school.”

“Hehe. I know, Dashie.”

“I've still got your back, Pinks. And I'm still up for pranking and all the rest of that stuff, okay?”

“Okay, Dashie.”

Twilight was more or less oblivious to the nearby heartwarming moment. Her ear was flopping and her eye was twitching as her aggravation continued to build. This was absolutely absurd! This was no way to carry on a debate! Not that there was any point in having a debate since the answer to their point of debate could be supplied with both ease and simplicity. There was only one thing to do. “Quiet!”

All at once the heated jabbering ceased, save for one rather distinctive voice.

“And then I said 'Oatmeal, are you crazy?'” Pinkie proclaimed rather loudly. She glanced about at the silent room and grinned a very Pinkie grin.

“If everypony is done I thought I would explain what Pinkie has explained to me,” Twilight said. She glanced around the room again just to make sure that everypony was finally finished with their interruptions. All eyes were on her with the exception of Berry Punch, who was watching Pinkie with all the intensity of a griffin. Twilight was pleased to find that the interruptions and arguments were finally over. “Wonderful. Now then, I should start by saying that Pinkie-”

“Oh sweet! Pinkie's in here! Are we having a party?” Flitter asked as she nosed through the front door. The lavender pegasus smiled brightly for but a moment before her cheer was crushed by Twilight's withering glare. “Oh, um... Am I interrupting something?”

“Yes! Yes you are!” Twilight hollered, flailing her hooves in the air. “Ugh! Enough! We're moving this to the library. Come on, everypony.”

Flitter watched as the Elements, Spike, and the three most chaotic fillies in town filed out of the building. Her heart sunk a little. For a moment she was really looking forward to a Pinkie Party. Ah well, always another right around the corner, right? “Huh. What was that all about?”

“You don't want to know,” Berry muttered as she poured herself another drink.

~~~~~

The atmosphere of the library was positively electrified. Aside from the upturned colander Spike had been wearing on his head like a helmet to ward off Pinkie's supposed haunting the ground floor was in pretty reasonable condition. Most of the usual research clutter had already been re-shelved, leaving the usually obscured table free of tomes. Twilight and her friends were seated around it, most of them waiting with baited breath.

“Okay! This is it! No more distractions. No more arguing.” Twilight waved a hoof at her friends. “Nopony else barging in since I've magically sealed all the doors.” Twilight gestured at the nearby front door bathed in a soft purple glow. “Just a simple explanation of what Pinkie has told me. And there won't be anymore interruptions. Right?”

Silence.

Applebloom coughed into her hoof.

“Good. Pinkie only explained the basics to me. If she feels like sharing anything beyond that it's up to her. She was kind enough to finally give us some straight answers about her unusual abilities. She's placed a lot of trust in us to continue treating her as a friend just like we always have, no matter what. Can I count on everypony to do that?”

Twilight's friends nodded.

Pinkie busied herself making silly faces at Angel Bunny.

“Pinkie's not a normal pony,” Twilight began. Right away she waved a hoof to ward off comments. “I know you all know that already. That's obvious to anypony that knows her. She explained to me that what she does is not a result of pony magic. That was my original hypothesis, actually. That she was somehow expressing magic passively like any earth pony does, only she used pegasus and unicorn magic as well. The specifics of her unusual abilities are... well... I don't completely get it myself yet. Maybe you could fill in some blanks, Pinkie?”

“Sure Twilight!” Pinkie said as she disengaged from a staring contest with the white rabbit and faced her friends. “It all started long ago on the far distant planet Krypton! My scientist father had learned that the planet was about to explode, and so he sent me away on a rocket that landed in the fields of two humble rock farmers! They raised me as their own daughter despite my incredible powers! And now I fight for truth, justice, and the Mareican way!”

Silence.

Scootaloo raised a hoof.

“Yeah, Scootaloo?”

“Pinkie, that's the back-story for Super Mare,” the little pegasus pointed out.

“It is?”

Scootaloo nodded.

“Well, raspberry fluff! I really liked that one,” Pinkie huffed. Then a wild grin broke out across her face. “Oh well! Story time for real this time! No joking! No misdirection! Just straight answers!”

And then Pinkie told them all the truth.

Author's Note:

For whatever odd reason The Truth doesn't always display properly. If the image doesn't appear at the end of the story click the link!

Comments

[Thingamajig]

...dafuq?

[Pseudonymous]

The cliche non-answer ending. Disappointing.

[Rebonack]

3282841

A non-answer?

Hardly my friend, hardly.

Pinkie Pie is a mystery. To define her is to render her something other than a mystery and fundamentally alter her character. The answer is that there is no answer. And that's an answer all the same.

Could I have picked one of the theories out of a hat and said that was the right one? Sure. But that was never the point of the story.

[Crimson Dawn]

3282841

This story was never really about how Pinkie does what she does. That was just a plot hook. The story is really about all the characters coming up with ideas and the funny moments that those create based on that question. Since there was no real lead up to anything in particular there is no single answer that would be truly satisfying.

I think the best moment in this chapter is when Dash finds Pinkie and makes sure she knows that they are still friends. When this was going to be a one shot leaving her scared was a perfect ending since it was funny but now that it is a complete story it was a great idea to show that they are still close friends even if Pinkie is a...

[B_Munro]

Whatever. I'm still going with Eldritch Abomination. :D

"“Ever since those stars burned I've been feeling kind of glum and I thought maybe being silly would cheer me up! But instead it just made everypony else get all itchy in the brain. I guess a little bit of brain itches are easy for ponies to ignore, but too many and ponies get worried"

"When the Stars are right, Great Pinkiethulu arises from Her slumbers...and hits the 5,000 year snooze button."

[B_Munro]

"But Pinkie, if that's so, how was Discord able to control you?"

"Don't be silly, Twilight! If he couldn't, that would have ruined the game, and you wouldn't have been able to win, and then I couldn't have thrown that big celebration party afterwards! I mean, no party? That would be a Thing Which Should Not Be!!!"

[nemryn]

3282841
I don't really see how there's any confusion here, Sweetie Belle is obviously right.

[Eclipsed]

th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/080/7/b/i__m_ok_with_this___fluttershy_by_megasweet-d3c6ybn.png

[djthomp]

Works for me.

[Puzzle Reader]

...I don't get it. The picture, that is.
Everything else was still awesome!

[Jdts7]

A story called straight answers in which pinkie tells straight answers but the author does not.

Mind blown

And HA! I totally predicted the 'spike cowering in corner and colonder hat' thing :D

[Zanyt]

...I just noticed that The Truth is different every time the page is reloaded. I think the potential implications of that brained my broke. ...er...broke my brain.

[Rebonack]

4507101

Indeedy! Pinkie's mystery is an important aspect of her character, I think.

Though with the introduction of Cheese Sandwich the hypothesis that it's simply some rare form of Earth Pony magic seems more likely.

[Zanyt]

4507126 Actually, from what I saw, Cheese Sandwich seemed to be a relatively normal foal, if very shy and quiet, until he met Pinkie Pie. For whatever reason, it looks like her... 'Pinkieness' rubbed off on him afterwards and he more or less became a male Pinkie Pie. ...maybe it's a rare magical 'disease' that only effects poofy-maned earth ponies?

But, nah, in all seriousness, I feel like Cheese was more... warped into a second Pinkie by his encounter with her as a child. The answer isn't likely to be ever known anyways, although personally, my favorite theories are Pinkie being a Time Lord or a Draconequus.

[Rebonack]

4719559

"Earth is round, Smart Cookie. It doesn't have an up or down!"

From the Hearthwarming play. Their planet is called Earth.

The more you know!

[thereallegend123]

So that's it? That's the truth? That Pinkie Pie is, what, a cloud of sentient goo in pony form? How was that scary enough to put Berry Punch into a coma? How does that relate to the "foreboding" openings of each chapter? Why do ponies see Pinkie as a glow of color in an otherwise bleak world? IS she stealing their joy? I don't know why you crafted seven well-written chapters of build-up only to leave us with little more than nothing.

For the sake of argument, lets say the picture at the end of the story is a fitting answer to Pinkie Pie. It gives us the what (sort of), but it leaves out the why. Why did Dash and Berry react the way they did? What did Berry see when she looked into Pinkie's eyes? How does goo-monster Pinkie do and know all the things she does and knows?

One might argue that ending the story like this is artistic or poetic or deep or something, but not when you leave readers feeling cheated. You're a good writer; I'm disappointed.

[thereallegend123]

3284023
I wish I could agree with you, but that's the not the way the story reads, intentionally or not. There was a great deal of build-up, and build-up implies a resolution.

[superfun]

I know why a clear answer wasn't provided: There isn't a single answer as to what Pinkie is.
And that's because she's everything.
Therefore, she's a draconequus, a ghost, a cartoon (at least, by Equestrian standards), and an Eldritch abomination all at once.

[General Lemarc]

42. An answer so hyped, so complete, so absolutely integral, that it is impossible to actually get it. You played me like a fiddle, good sir.